“cause space is just a word / made up by someone / who’s too afraid to get close.” – space, nick Jonas ft. tove lo

-

Nayoung grinned at Heehyun, happiness filling her heart. “You’re graduating, you idiot.”

Heehyun grinned back, a lopsided smirk that never failed to make her look mischievous. She shoved Nayoung’s shoulder. “Can you believe that of a professor gave us extra points for our half-assed costumes?”

“Your half-assed costume,” she snapped back, offended. She flipped her hair back with a smirk. “I was amazing as Wednesday Addams.”

“You didn’t even look anything special.” Heehyun huffed, crossing her arms as she scowled at Nayoung. But as soon as Chaeyeon walked over, Dani in her arms, she was back to grinning. “Dani gets to see us graduate!” She leaned towards Dani, making silly faces at her.

Nayoung frowned. “I’m gonna need to wash that image off my brain. With fire.” She turned and smiled at an ever so peaceful Chaeyeon. “How’s parenting?”

The younger laughed quietly, still as reserved as ever, but there were cracks wide enough for her closest friends to peek in. “Easy, since there’s eight of us taking care of one baby.” She raised Dani, pulling her away from Heehyun, and handing her to Nayoung.

Who took her with a soft smile, and warmth in her heart. Dani had that effect on her, on all of them, she thought. She just made things better by being there, smiling up at them with no worries to think of.

Nayoung would willingly block all rocks life planned to throw at Dani, just to keep that innocence and that smile on her face. She’d be battered and bruised for Dani.

She looked up as someone tapped her shoulder, and found Im’s proud eyes looking back at her. “Here to congratulate me?”

Im scoffed. “I took a day off from my studying to attend this graduation, I better get some pictures.” She added, in a soft voice that no one else would be able to hear, “I’m planning to be an intern in Dr. Ki’s hospital and all she needs are pictures of you, Suhyun, and her spawn in robes.”

“What a softie.” She smiled to herself. Not even the thought of her mom not attending the graduation was enough to ruin the day. She handed Dani to a staring Im and said, “I think it’s about time you hold Dani. You only touched her, like, five times.”

There was hesitance in Im’s face as she took Dani carefully from Nayoung, brows meeting in concentration. “She’s so small, how can I take care of her? I might break a bone.”

“You’re smart, you should know breaking bones don’t happen unless you drop her.”

“Uh, given my track record, Kim, you have to know I’ll most probably drop her. I’m almost as clumsy as you!” She looked up with a raised brow. “And that’s saying a lot!”

She scoffed, rolling her eyes. She was about to retort but Eunwoo hopped over to where they are with a big, goofy grin on her face. “Happy day, huh?”

“Yeah, it’s all hugs and kisses on cheeks and ‘congratulations’,” Heehyun answered for them, appearing beside Im with an impatient scowl. “When is the ceremony starting, anyway?”

“In two hours,” Suhyun answered with a shrug, popping out behind Eunwoo and draping an arm over the younger’s shoulders. “We got here way too early.” She turned to Nayoung with a frown, then looked around. “Where’s Sejeong?”

Nayoung mimicked her, and so did the others, looking around the place for the girl with the bump on her belly under the robes. Nayoung saw her this morning, and she was adorable. She shrugged. “She said she had something to take care of, so I took the car and drove here by myself.”

“Probably getting her makeup done,” Eunwoo suggested.

Heehyun grunted. “Who would take this whole ceremony seriously, anyway? It only gets worse outside of college.”

“Let people enjoy things,” Nayoung shot back, eliciting a roll of the eyes from Heehyun.

“Hey guys,” Haein interrupted, looking grim as she gripped some paper. “Sejeong’s not coming.”

“What?” Suhyun exclaimed with a half-laugh, as everyone else turned to stare blankly at a sorrow filled Haein.

Haein pursed her lips and handed them the paper. “Some kid gave me that.”

Seeing how no one was willing to take the paper, Im did. And she read it aloud for everyone else, Chaeyeon joining the circle. “Hey guys. Congratulations! I’m sorry I can’t be there right now. I’m dealing with things myself, and I’m too drained to attend the ceremony. You guys have been my anchor these past few years, and I’m so lucky to have met you-‘ why does this sound like a goodbye?”

Heehyun grabbed the paper from Im and continued where she let off. “I’m sorry we don’t have a proper goodbye, and I won’t be holding my breath, but I hope to meet you guys again sometime in the future. I wish you all the best. I love you.” She looked up, eyes burning. “What does this even mean? She’s leaving?”

“Did you fight?” Suhyun asked Nayoung, breaking her out of her trance.

Did they fight? Nayoung couldn’t remember. They were all so happy, helping Sejeong with her pregnancy and having a rotational schedule to take care of her. There were no fights. “No,” she croaked out, too confused and numb to think straight.

“We can’t know for sure, though, that she won’t be coming back,” Eunwoo said, trying to bring hope in the circle. “She does this all the time, remember? She leaves to find herself. Then comes back after the weekend.”

Chaeyeon nodded. “Maybe she just needs some space.”

They stood in silence, staring at the letter. Sure, Sejeong did this a lot. Sure, Sejeong always left. But Sejeong never left a letter, and that letter covered Nayoung’s heart, pinching it tight until she was having a hard time breathing, world spinning around her as her gaze flicks from one pair of shoes to the other.

“Nayoung? Come on, she’d come back.” She looked up and met Im’s eyes, her same named friend reaching a hand out to her. “Let’s go to our seats, now?”

She nodded, took a sharp breath. She felt eyes on her, Hayi’s lips on hers, and when she whipped her head, Sejeong was there, staring at the with pained eyes before climbing down the ladder in defeat. She shook her head, getting rid of the thoughts.

“Yeah, she’ll come back.” And Nayoung would always welcome her with open arms, and an exposed heart.

-

A thumb brushes over her cheeks. She turns and Suhyun’s staring worriedly at her. “You okay?”

Her hand shoots up as soon as she feels the wetness on her cheeks, wiping them away. “Yeah.” She takes a deep breath, then asks, “Have I ever told you guys that Sejeong came back?”

Heehyun glances at her through the rearview mirror as Eunwoo stiffens in the seat in front of her. Dr. Im, (she cheekily asked to be called Dr. Im instead), and Suhyun stares at her expectantly. Chaeyeon, it turns out, wanted to stay with Dani at home.

“She came back after graduation, just a few days into autumn. She looked so much happier. Turns out she went to her mother to get take care of herself, and healed.”

Eunwoo turns around in her seat to study Nayoung’s expression. “Then?”

“We were happy. I never told anyone else because I knew you were all still hurt over her leaving with just a note. We took care of Mina—she knew the baby was a girl already, and was happily shoving it in my face that it was because she kept saying it’d be girl—and we were happy.” She takes another deep breath, because one will never be enough to take the weight off her chest. “I even got her to go to Dr. Ki’s hospital, and she was going to give birth there, too.”

Heehyun doesn’t reply, just studies the mirrors as she drives.

Suhyun prods, “What happened?”

“She left a note after a week. Just an ‘I’m sorry’ on it.”

“Do you still want to go ask for forgiveness or some bull?” Heehyun snaps, and they all turn to find her gripping the wheel too tightly. She stops the car in front of a red light, obviously seething. “She sounds like a major .”

“I hurt her, Heehyun.”

“What?” Dr. Im breathes out, shooting Nayoung an incredulous look. “She left you a whole lot of times, Kim.”

Nayoung meets her eyes. “Because I hurt her a whole lot of times.” She shrugs, hands clasped together on top of her lap. “I always pushed her to Joonyoung, looked at her like I couldn’t believe she’d ever get over Joonyoung. I always drove her away, and complained about it to Hayi. I’m so selfish.”

“That’s not true,” Eunwoo mutters softly, “You were hurting, too.”

“She was, too. If I didn’t have this- this victim complex, we wouldn’t have had this ed up history. And I know she heard me promise my mom that I’d leave her and try getting back together with Hayi back at Suhyun’s rest house.”

Suhyun gasps, and Heehyun turns to glare at Nayoung before turning back to road and driving again.

“During that moment, all I wanted was my mom’s approval. I called her mom, for ’s sake. Just to see approval. And I couldn’t stop, and as I was closing the door, I saw her staring blankly at the painting, and the pictures were right there and I couldn’t get them because she got to them first.”

“Pictures of you and Hayi, I assume?”

Nayoung nods at Dr. Im. “I’m an assshole, aren’t I?”

“You both are. What a perfect fit,” Dr. Im says under her breath. Then she sighs dramatically. “But, it’s only because you were both hurting. And, like me, didn’t know how to deal with the pain. It’s ed up but that’s sometimes how humans work. No one has the perfect solution to dealing with the pain, and sometimes we hurt others while dealing with our own hurt.”

“What, should I just accept that humans are supposed to hurt each other?”

Dr. Im sends her another glare. “No, you should just accept that you both made mistakes and need to talk it out. And apologize for them.”

The car comes to a halt and Heehyun turns around in her seat to send them all a smirk. “Write up your apology already, not-Dr. Nayoung,” she winks at Dr. Im, who only rolls her eyes in return. “We’re here.”

-

“No,” is Chungha’s simple reply, not even looking up from the line she’s managing. She points to one kid, then shouts, “You’re obviously not over the height limit, get out of the line, kid.”

Nayoung inches closer. “Come on, Chungha. I just want to talk this out with her.”

Chungha doesn’t reply, and instead pushes her to the side so she can grab one kid and push her against the height measurer, grinning at the kid. “You’re finally allowed this year, huh?”

The kid nods excitedly at her, grinning, before running up the stairs to her friends.

Chungha stops the next in line. “Seats are full.” She smiles sweetly at them before glaring at Nayoung and her group of friends, sending Suhyun a questioning look as she munches on a huge cotton candy. She sighs. “I can’t let you close to Sejeong, Nayoung. Not after countless times of burning each other.”

“I’m here to fix this.”

“How many times did you try to fix it in the past?” Chungha counters with a quirked brow, protective.

Nayoung shrugs. “Countless times. But that was before I figured out we were both at fault and hurting. Or, well, before I thought about actually facing my problems and getting my together.”

“This is still too early, come back when she’s ready,” Chungha says, voice much softer now.

“But what if she’s never ready?” Nayoung asks in a whine. A surge of emotions hit her as she realizes the possibility of Sejeong never being ready to reconcile. Of them dying without talking it out, of not ever letting their feelings known.

Of not seeing Mina ever again, and not greeting Sejeong as soon as she wakes up.

Chungha sighs, eyeing Nayoung. “Don’t look at me all teary-eyed, Nayoung. Some relationships just don’t work. You can’t force her if she’s never ready.”

“She’s not ready because she’s a coward,” Dr. Im steps in, placing a hand over Nayoung’s shoulder. “And she’s a coward because of her emotions. They need to force themselves to talk it out. Kim Nayoung here is the biggest chicken I know but she’s here.”

For a moment, a flicker of hesitance passes by Chungha’s eyes. She chews on her lips as she studies Nayoung, then her friends. She throws her head back in exasperation. “This is out of my hands, okay?” She looks back at Nayoung, gaze now much, much softer. “I can’t force her, she’s still stressed. I’ll try to subtly tell her about it, though. And I’ll call you as soon as she says she’s ready.”

“Where is she, anyway?” Heehyun asks.

Chungha’s gaze flicks to her, and distaste immediately appears on her face. “Taking care of Mina. I promise I’ll call Nayoung when she’s ready,” her gaze lands back on Nayoung, “And you better be here in a moment afterwards, ‘cause I’m sure you know Sejeong. She changes her mind faster than these rides change passengers.”

With that, she turns and tends to the line again, letting new kids in and greeting familiar faces.

Suhyun grabs Nayoung’s arms, mutters a ‘thank you’ to Chungha, who doesn’t even face them again, before pulling Nayoung away. “She’ll be ready,” she assures. “Before you know, we’re all laughing and having fun and Eunwoo’s wearing a disco outfit to this same amusement park.”

That gets her a well-deserved swat at the arm from a bewildered Eunwoo. “Why is that included?”

Suhyun just shrugs her hands off haughtily. “Because that’s, like, the reminder that we’re all back to normal.”

“Me wearing a disco outfit is normal?”

“Yeah,” Heehyun answers not a beat later. She rolls her eyes as Eunwoo scowls at her, looking like a whining little child. “You wore an oil pastel costume to Dani’s third birthday party because Chaeyeon said we should wear pastels. You were an art material, Eunwoo, and Chaeyeon’s model and photographer friends were there.”

At that, Eunwoo ducks her head, blushing. “Okay, but pastel is a confusing term, don’t you think?”

Heehyun pokes the top of her head half-annoyed and half-amused. “Everything’s confusing for you, Eunwoo.”

The three bicker among themselves as they walk towards the exit, slow and as if they have all the time in the world.

But that’s only because Nayoung wishes she has all the time in the world, wishes she stumbles across Sejeong while taking her time like that day she first met Mina.

Wishes to see them again.

“Hey, she’ll be ready,” says Dr. Im, placing a hand on her shoulder and interrupting her thoughts.

She sends her a small smile. “I hope so.”

…

Mina won’t talk to her.

It’s her fault, anyway, for driving Nayoung out of their lives, but Mina not talking to her hurts. It should hurt. Mina’s her child, and she’s young but she’s already so mad she not talking to Sejeong.

“Mina.”

The girl looks up uninterestedly from her coloring book.

‘I’m sorry’ is what she wants to say, but she settles for a “What are you doing?” instead, throat clenching and smile trembling.

Mina shrugs, then points to her coloring book.

Sejeong’s heart breaks. “Mina?” she tries again, but this time Mina doesn’t reply. “Anything bothering you these days, Mina?”

Mina shakes her head. “No,” she mutters softly, the first word she ever said to Sejeong after going home from the hospital and crying a good few hours about Nayoung. Sejeong almost cries at finally hearing Mina speak to her again, and not just to Chungha.

But then Mina gathers her colors and drops them in her pencil case, zipping it close before dropping the case in her backpack, along with her coloring book. Then she stands. “I’m gonna go play outside,” she mutters, shifting between her two feet, little hands grabbing her backpack.

Normally Sejeong wouldn’t let her, but right now she’s desperate to get her love back. So she nods and watches as Mina’s lips quirk a little before she runs out of the house, backpack bouncing against her back.

She watches as Mina runs away, not once looking back. She watches as the door slowly closes, and when it does, she lets the tears fall.

So much for her wish of getting her friendship back with Nayoung. So much for her dreams of raising Mina with Nayoung.

So much for all her hopes of doing everything with Nayoung, like they promised each other before everything got too complicated and unspoken confessions rang in the air, none of them willing to acknowledge and would rather just feel ty about themselves, fading off into the background and trying so hard to find happiness in others.

Trying so hard to not depend on each other so much, to find life outside of each other.

It’s stupid because without Nayoung, Sejeong’s life shouldn’t even be called a life. Without Nayoung, Mina is her only source of oxygen. Without Nayoung, Sejeong lived just trying to go through the process, the steps, and trying to work hard just to keep Mina fed and clothed. To make Mina happy.

When Nayoung entered her life once more, she was met with the thrill of being alive. With Nayoung, it wasn’t only her who was happy, but also Mina.

But now she drove Nayoung away once more, and with her came Mina.

-

Afraid to arrive too late if ever Chungha texts her about Sejeong, Nayoung rents a room in the dingy motel in front of the amusement park.

The others sent her incredulous glares, Heehyun even punching her shoulder. But she stood her ground and begged for the others to pick up some clothes for her.

Eunwoo stared right back at her, Suhyun just waited for Heehyun’s answer, and Heehyun shook her head without another thought.

It was Dr. Im who hugged her and patted her back, asking for the passcode, and ignoring the looks the other three sent her.

It’s Dr. Im who drives back to the motel later that night, with a suitcase of Nayoung’s clothes and some canned beer.

She leaves the suitcase by the door as she walks to the veranda where Nayoung is, placing the bag of drinks on the table and sitting on the only other unoccupied chair, following Nayoung’s line of gaze towards the park.

She sighs. “Remember when we were young, and we thought having to go home before dark was the worst thing that ever happened to us?”

Nayoungs glances at her, then at the drinks. She takes one and pops it open before answering, “Yeah. Are you about to say the cliché ‘but now we’re dealing with heartbreaks’ and such?”

“No,” Dr. Im answers, shaking her head. “I was about to say that was the worst thing that ever happened to us.”

“What?” she laughs out.

“Adults thought the dangers were lurking outside, they thought they were protecting us.” She in a breath, throwing Nayoung a sideways glance. “But the demons were inside the houses, weren’t they? Screaming at each other, blaming each other.”

Their parents. Nayoung nods.

“Expectations high, understanding low.” She’s quiet for a moment, thinking, and Nayoung almost replies but she adds, “I used to think ‘what are the odds of five people with messed up families meeting each other and becoming friends’? I thought it just… it didn’t add up, you know? It wasn’t balanced.”

Nayoung takes a gulp of the drink, wincing at the sudden taste hitting her parched throat. “Yeah?”

“But then I realized; we’re friends because we understood each other. We knew what the others were going through, and we- we found comfort in each other.”

“Are you being sensitive, Im?” Nayoung laughs to drown out the sadness creeping inside of her. Because there isn’t a single lie in Im Nayoung’s words. Sure, they were ‘destined’ to be friends, their parents being friends and all that, but she first really warmed up to Heehyun when she saw her playing alone in their front yard.

(“Why are you alone?” she asked, a toy microphone in her hands.

Heehyun looked up, squinted at the microphone, and dropped the toy she was performing an operation on. “My parents are talking. It’s adult stuff.”

Nayoung strained her ears and heard loud screaming way too familiar. She handed her the microphone before sitting on the damp grass and playing with Heehyun’s toys. “My parents do that a lot, too.” She pouted. “I don’t like adult stuff.”

“Me too.”)

At the memory, she winces as if she’s about to be hit. But, really, the only thing getting hit is her heart, tightening, clenching, hurting. “You’re right, though.”

“They’re… they’re well meaning, though,” Dr. Im mutters under her breath, still watching the bright lights from the park.

Nayoung scoffs. “Well meaning, my .”

“Nayoung, some people just fall out of love.” She takes a can and opens it, watching as the fizz drips down her thumb. “Some people don’t, but they don’t work at all. We were… everything they did, all those screaming they tried to hide by making us go play outside, it was all for us.”

“Didn’t feel like it,” she replies quietly, sardonically, before taking another gulp of her drink, hoping it’d cool down the fire in her heart. “It would’ve been better if they just left each other instead of making me hear all those shouts. I first learned words could cut from them.”

“They did leave each other, though, didn’t they? When they realized they shouldn’t hold on to each other just for their kid? How many years did it take you to realize you like to victimize yourself?”

She rolls her eyes at the question, avoiding Dr. Im’s gaze.

“It takes a long while to realize, and even longer to admit. By the time you do, the damage has been done.”

“What are you trying to say, Im?” she snaps, turning to meet Dr. Im’s eyes.

Dr. Im shrugs. “If you want fix this thing with Sejeong and Mina, how about fixing what caused you to be scared of being left behind and asking people to stay? What caused you to think people are supposed to leave you in the dust, anyway, and it’s better to push them away?”

The face appears behind Nayoung’s eyelids as she squeezes them tight, suddenly dizzy from staring at the lights of the Ferris wheel too long.

“It’s been too long since you last talked to your mom, Kim. A real talk, with real feelings.”

“I can’t- you don’t understand, I—”

“But I do understand. It took me years before I reached out to my dad. At first it was just because I wanted to shove it in his face that I’m becoming a doctor- that I actually stood out from you guys. But then I ended up crying to him, and realizing he’s as ty with his feelings as I am, and I got my toxic way of handling hurt from him.”

She opens her eyes and the bright lights shock her once more. “I’m… scared.”

“We’ll be right here with you no matter what happens. And no matter what happens, as long as you do it, you’re ready to fix things between you and Sejeong.”

She doesn’t meet Dr. Im’s eyes, knowing the promises are there. So she just nods, mutters a “fine”, and gulps down the remains of her drink. “Fine,” she says louder, more confidently. “I will.”

Dr. Im smiles proudly at her, she smiles back.

…

She learned it from Nayoung.

Nayoung liked talking to the moon. Not out loud, just silently. Whenever Sejeong came home to a dark living room, there would always be light by the fire exit, and Nayoung would always be there, looking up at the moon and swaying lightly.

When she asked once, Nayoung told her it was because the moon was the company that kept her sane, and then prompted her to talk to the moon.

She sat by her side, watching the busy streets below, and when Sejeong was done, a weight has been lifted off her chest.

The memory is so distinct that Sejeong talked to the moon every time she missed Nayoung, hoping for the weight to lift of her chest like the first time. But it wasn’t the moon at all that gave her comfort, it was Nayoung.

Still, the moon is an alternative. She sneaks off to the dump of broken parts of rides, sits on one of the horses sideways, and looks up at the moon, bright and beautiful.

It’s been so long since she last said hello, always glancing up shiftily at her but diverting her gaze the moment the moon stares back.

Tonight, she keeps her gaze on the moon.

“Hi,” she croaks out—awkward and afraid. She glances sideways, trying to see if anyone can hear her aside from the moon, but she’s alone here.

She takes a deep breath and starts talking again. “It’s been a year. I’m sorry. I was… busy.”

The moon stares back, lips curling and distasteful.

Sejeong shrugs. “I know all our conversations are about her, or about Mina. About my problems, really. You must think I only come to you when my world’s crashing, and not when I’m, well, when I’m floating, but—” she lets out a staggering breath. “But you bring comfort, and you’re always there for me.”

The moon rolls her eyes, almost turning away.

“I messed up big time, Moon.”

You did, the moon snarls.

“The two people I love the most left me.”

Mina didn’t.

“But she’s… she’s young. She’s young, and she’s going through these emotions. A child like her shouldn’t feel so mad she just shuts everyone out.”

She needs Nayoung.

“And I do, too.” She sighs, eyes downcast. “I do, too.” Then she laughs. “I’m nuts, aren’t I? Talking to the ing moon. So lonely she’s talking to rocks!” she yells as she gestures to the moon.

Hurt passes through the moon’s face, lacing her features beautifully. She turns, avoids Sejeong’s eyes.

“So ing messed up she hurt the moon,” she whispers, staring at the moon. “So hurtful even the moon turns.” She takes a deep breath before jumping off the horse, dusting her pants. “I just wanted to, uh, catch up, I guess. Your sun still unreachable?”

The moon doesn’t reply, still having her back to Sejeong.

Sejeong laughs. “I pushed my sun away, too.” She smiles up at the moon, lips pursed and trembling, eyes watery and stinging. “See you next time, moon,” she mutters before leaving the dump.

The moon glances, but doesn’t ask her to stay.

-

She’s about to ditch the date when her mom enters the cupcake shop, looking so out of place with her lady tuxedo and her suitcase in the middle of the snitches and wands and cupcake stands.

She stares at her, watches as she scans the room, and her heart aches because as much as she hates her mom, she also kind of misses her.

When her mom meets her eyes, her heart almost jumps out of her ribcage. She manages a weak smile before pushing a plate of cupcake and a cup of coffee towards her end of the table, her own cupcake halfway finished and her own cup empty. She asks a new waiter, Haebin, she thinks is the name, for a cup of hot chocolate, and gets a judging look in return.

She doesn’t comment on it and just waits for her mom to arrive.

“What is it?” her mom asks, voice business-like.

She almost scoffs. “Please sit down.”

Her mom sits, prim and proper across her, eyeing the way she’s slouched in her seat. “What is it, Nayoung?”

“I’m blaming everything on you,” she says, avoiding her eyes. “I grew up… the way I am, uh… because of you.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“I grew up, uh, thinking everyone’s bound to leave me.” A sudden bout of courage fills her and she meets her mother’s unreadable eyes. So good at keeping emotions at bay that her child learned at young. “Because my parents did. Because I heard the screams, and the threats… and I was- I was just waiting for them to leave. To stop the noise.”

Her mother keeps their gazes connected, but she her lips nervously and her eyebrows trembles. “You heard?”

“Pretty hard not to,” she replies with a slight twitch of her lips.

“I’m sorry.”

She ignores the apology, lets it punch her gut instead. “That thing you did… with, uh, with Hayi and the pictures messed up… messed up my, um, my thing with Sejeong—”

“She left—”

“My happiness.”

Her mother shuts , pursing her lips and leaning back against her seat. “I didn’t realize—I thought I was helping you.”

“How could you? You don’t even know what’s happening in my life.”

“I do.” At Nayoung’s quirked brow, she adds, “I ask for reports from Heehyun.”

Nayoung laugh, catching her mother off guard. “From Heehyun? No wonder you hate Sejeong, she’s the leader of the anti-club!”

Her mother’s lips lift up at that—whether at her statement or her laugh, Nayoung doesn’t care. “Yeah, but I only see things from her perspective. And I, well, your father and I, we’ve hurt you way too many times. I didn’t want you to go through more hurt. You seemed genuinely happy with Hayi.”

“It’s a different kind of happy,” she says, suddenly comfortable with talking. Almost like she’s back to being a child that tattletales everything to her mom. “She makes me happy, but she’s not Sejeong.”

“I’m sorry, then, for thinking I have the right to tell you who fits you when I wasn’t even there for you. I just wanted you to be happy even after I ruined your childhood.”

The words kind of make her head spin. The sincerity knocking the air out of her lungs. She lets out a chuckle. “I’m…” she stops, blinking away the tears. “I’m actually sorry, too.”

Her mother’s eyes snap back up. “You didn’t do anything wrong, honey.”

“It takes two to not talk. It takes two to ruin a relationship. I’m sorry. I thought too little of your love for me. I doubted everything you did.”

“I made you do that. I wasn’t exactly the best mother.”

Nayoung shakes her head. “I made you feel like you weren’t the best mother. But now that I think about it, you hugged me to sleep whenever I had nightmares. You apologizes for all your shortcomings by giving me everything I wanted. You went through the trouble of driving to Suhyun’s rest house to make sure Sejeong doesn’t hurt me anymore.”

“Your nightmares usually had screaming and cursing, I raised you thinking material things are enough to fill the hole in your heart,” she lists off, two fingers up. As she adds a new finger, she says, “And I messed up your happiness.”

“I never said you were perfect. But you had good intentions.”

“You’re my daughter,” is her answer. And it is the answer. Nayoung’s her daughter, and she’s the mother who can’t express herself well, but wants the best for her.

Nayoung nods. “You are… mom.” And the words doesn’t taste so deadly against her tongue anymore, not poisonous or metallic. She smiles. “I love you.”

Her mother’s face lights up almost immediately, only pausing to let the words sink in. She laughs loudly, getting a few glances from the other customers, tears b in her eyes. “I missed that so much.”

Nayoung laughs, looking away just as a tear falls. “I did, too.”

“I love you, too. You’re my happiness, Nayoung, and I messed you up. I’m so… so happy right now.” She grabs Nayoung’s hand, squeezes it. “I love you so much.” Then she pats it. “Go get your happiness back.”

Nayoung laughs at the cheesiness of it all, but her heart’s swelling so much she doesn’t care how embarrassed she’ll be after this. She doesn’t care about Haebin standing a few feet away, holding her cup of chocolate and probably trying to figure out if she should give it to her.

Suhyun appears and takes the cup from her, taking it to Nayoung’s table and sitting beside Nayoung’s other, nudging her with the side of her and making her laugh and scoot over.

She talks about a hilarious incident that happened a few days ago in the shop, something about Juna being so flustered over a call from Hayi that she accidentally dipped her hand in a bowl of batter.

And it is hilarious, with the add-ons that’s always there when Suhyun’s telling a story, but the tears just keep falling and Nayoung’s nose is runny, and her mother’s also laughing while crying, other customers looking at them and trying to figure out if her mother’s really the CEO of the entertainment company, laughing while crying with her mascara smeared on her cheeks.

And Nayoung breathes.

…

Mina’s talking to her, now. But it still hurts. Because Mina’s only talking to her for the sake of talking. She smiles, answers her questions, then leaves and locks herself in Chungha’s room with god knows what.

But at least Mina’s talking. At least she’s not losing her voice like Sejeong.

Chungha tries to prod her to talk to Nayoung, whenever Mina’s not anywhere near, of course, but she shrugs off any mention of her college friends and just focuses on singing.

Because singing is her way of talking. In songs, she apologizes. With notes, she says thank you. With her voice, she confesses.

But the person she wants to hear her singing is somewhere far, probably hating her for taking Mina. Probably hating her for leaving once more.

And Sejeong hates herself, too, but she also hates Nayoung. Or maybe just their situation. Because they keep hurting each other no matter what they do, keep pushing each other away while yearning for each other’s touch.

They’re bound to burn, bound to break. A pair like them would never work.

There’s a crash somewhere as she’s tuning her guitar, and she looks up abruptly. “Mina?”

“I’m okay!” the girl yelps from Chungha’s room.

Sejeong stands and walks to Chungha’s room, peeking in at the girl who’s patting a huge book and blowing on it, whispering something before kissing the cover. “What’s that?”

Mina’s knee-jerk reaction is to throw the book under Chungha’s bed before jumping up. “Nothing.”

“Are you sure?” Sejeong queries, eyeing the bed.

Mina follows her gaze and, with the cutest nervous expression, covers the bed with her body. “Nothing.”

“Okay then.” She smiles. “You okay, though?”

“I’m okay,” Mina insists, smiling back.

But Sejeong’s heart cracks because that isn’t a real smile. Mina, at her age, is faking her smiles. She nods, though, and lets Mina think she’s fooling her. “Okay. Want a hug?”

Mina shakes her head, piercing Sejeong’s heart once more with the way she uneasily looks up at her. “I’m gonna go play outside.”

“You’re always playing outside, Mina.”

“Please? I’m going to play with aunt Chungha.”

She blinks away the tears that Mina pretends to not see. It’s always Chungha these days when it comes to Mina. But with Chungha, she smiles easily. “Sure. Don’t—” before she can finish, Mina’s running out the door, “don’t bother her too much.”

She thinks of taking the book from under the bed, but she doesn’t want to break Mina’s trust again. So, she just goes back to tuning her guitar and preparing for her show, heart so heavy it may as well be a rock. She looks outside the window and the sun is shining bright.

Happy and bright, bubbly and bright. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out why the moon loves her.

…

She takes the book. Or, well, it’s a scrapbook. A journal.

And Sejeong’s already battered, bruised, shattered heart is brought thirty feet up in the air only to fall once more.

Kim Nayoung’s photos of favorite things.

Afraid, she flips the cover with shaking fingers. It’s a picture of the five of them, all maybe about 8 years old, smiling giddily at the camera with paint smeared all around their body and clothes, faces not left unscathed.

“Eunwoo’s 5^th birthday. Instead of finishing the banner we were making, we ended up having an all-out paint war.”

She laughs. Next is a picture of little Nayoung and her parents and her grandfather, still messy. There are chunks of cake on their faces and suits, grins on their lips.

“Only picture I have of all of us. I baked a cake but tripped while giving it to my dad. It ended up flat against the table. We ate the top off, and then my dad started wiping the icing on everyone, even their suits.”

Her heart warms, lungs tremble. There are a whole lot more pictures of them as kids, in different parties and different kinds of messes.

Halfway through is the first picture of Sejeong. There is no Nayoung in the picture, just the gang on top of a hill, with Sejeong holding a guitar and Eunwoo using a spoon as a knife.

Sejeong can hear the picture, can hear Eunwoo’s voice cracking and everyone laughing at her. Hit with sudden emotions, she flips to the next page.

(“I love these losers to death. I don’t know how to love living without them.”)

A picture of just them two. Sejeong’s arm around Nayoung’s shoulders, pulling her down as she flashes a peace sign at the camera, her eyes hiding behind her smile. Nayoung has a more annoyed look, glaring at the camera but still also flashing a peace sign.

“Whenever I’m down, this girl lifts me up.”

Sejeong goes through all the pictures, stops trying to hold back tears after the fifth picture of all eight of them together, all with the words ‘love’ and ‘they make me so happy to be alive’ written into different other phrases, all coming back to the root meaning.

Nayoung loves them, and Sejeong loves them. But love isn’t enough to move mountains, love isn’t even enough to keep them all together.

The tears reach a whole new level of stream as she arrives at the picture of their graduation.

“Should’ve been the happiest day of my life, but ended up being one of the saddest. Sejeong where the are you?”

Right after that, the picture they took when Dani was born, all of those pictures they took when Dani was born.

“Who knew this was the last? When we took this picture I had my home in it. Now, I’m lost.”

“Mommy?”

She looks up, eyes hurting and stinging when she blinks, head spinning. Through the tears, she finds Mina staring at her, gaze falling to the journal. The girl runs to her, takes the journal, then stuffs it in her bag.

“I’m sorry, I took the journal.”

Mina’s eyes are watery as she looks back at Sejeong. “Mommy, stop crying.”

Sejeong shakes her head, scooting farther from Mina. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, mommy,” Mina insists, reaching a hand out to her. “Mommy don’t need to say sorry.”

“You miss Nayoung, don’t you?” Sejeong asks through broken tongue, words coming out huffed.

Mina looks away, then shakes her head. “I have mommy.”

Oh god. She gets on her knees and takes Mina into her arms, making the girl cry in an instant. “I’m sorry mommy took Nayoung away from you.”

“I have mommy,” Mina repeats, softer. She clenches her fist against Sejeong’s shirt, pulling her closer.

“I’m so sorry.”

“I have mommy,” she still repeats.

Sejeong shakes her head. “Don’t lie.”

“I have…” Mina sniffs, and her hold loosens. “I miss my kitty,” she cries. “Mommy, why did she goodbye?”

“I’m so sorry.” I made her.

“Is it forever, mommy?”

“No.” I hope not.

“Miss her too, mommy?”

She nods against the top of Mina’s head. “Yes.”

Mina continues to cry against her chest, and she continues to cry against Mina’s head, glancing every once in a while at the bag, the last photo burning in her mind.

A picture of her and Mina, unaware and making breakfast. The caption: “Maybe I’m home.”

-

Nayoung’s trying hard to resist kicking her friends out during a game of monopoly in her motel room when she gets the text.

At first, she doesn’t even look at her phone when it made a sound, glaring at an arguing Dr. Im and Heehyun instead, at each other’s throat because the former cheated. Suhyun and Eunwoo, of course, takes this opportunity to move their pieces and check the deck of cards.

At first she almost throws the phone to them, to catch their attention and make them stop being children.

But then she sees ‘Kim Chungha’ as the sender and she scampers up, walking to the veranda to open the text, heart bursting against her ribcage, pushing her lungs apart and making it hard to breathe.

The text takes her breath away.

She wants to meet you at the rooftop. She says you know where it is.

A/N:

Who here thought I was going to update next year? [raises own hand]. This is actually the second to the last chapter. I already have the ending written, too. We’ll get the last chapter maybe next week or the week after that, and that’s not as heavy as this chapter.

Thank you so much for the support towards this story and those cute supportive messages about my mental health. Not to sound cheesy but readers do make writing not as hard. You guys are the best, and the reason why I couldn’t let go of this fic! Still, leave a comment!