"Can't rely on my heart to beat in / 'cause you take parts of it every evening / take words out of my mouth just from breathing / replace with phrases like 'when you leaving me'" - drunk, ed sheeran

PRESENT

The harsh sunlight almost blinds her and the silence is enough to deafen her as soon as she wakes up. Even without turning her head to look around, she knows the tension is thick.

She sits up and the first thing she sees is Heehyun sitting at the edge of the mattress across hers, staring sadly at something. The girl even shakes her head and sighs – the sound deep and so utterly melancholy. She follows Heehyun’s line of gaze and finds Im leaning against the railing of the rooftop, also staring at something – guilt and regret swimming in her eyes.

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out Im’s staring at either Eunwoo or Pinky. Sejeong finds out soon enough that it’s both – tangled on the mattress near the stairs.

The events of last night feels heavier as she looks around and finds everyone trying to stay away as far as possible from each other. Suhyun plops down beside her and sighs.

She lets out half a laugh. “Good morning to you too.” Her own tone sounds as sad as the shaking of Heehyun’s head, as regretful as Im’s eyes, and as tired as Suhyun’s sigh.

Suhyun tilts her head slightly and looks up at Sejeong through her lashes. “Everything , huh? I always knew deep inside that we’d all have a falling out. But I always thought the time you left was it. I thought that was it. But we had way too many secrets kept from each other.”

She pauses, gaze landing to Im for half a second before looking back into Sejeong’s eyes. “And I’m Eunwoo’s most loyal friend, probably, but I know Im won’t do that unless she has a big enough reason. Pinky isn’t a big enough reason.”

Sejeong nods at the last sentence. Pinky is not a big enough reason. Im isn’t someone who’d pick love over friendship. She’s covering something up – a truth much more hurtful than what she spoke last night. Sejeong hasn’t the faintest idea what this reason is. But she knows it’s something that might hurt the other four. It might be their fault too.

She knows Im would rather make them hate her for a half-truth, than let them hate themselves.

“Where are the others?”

“Juna and Hayi are… somewhere. I feel like they think they’re intruding some kind of heated but silent argument and wanted to stay out of it.”

Sejeong hums. She would too, if she were them. Want to escape, she means.

“Haein’s in my room here, probably snooping around to look for things to tease me with. Chaeyeon’s walking Mina and Dani around the beach with my mom. My mom likes her a lot, which is weird because I know for a fact that Better Ki likes Haein a lot.” Sejeong smiles at Suhyun’s words. “Maybe I should’ve loved Chaeyeon instead, you know?”

“I’m sure your mom would love Haein too. What happened with her? I saw you two cuddling last night.”

Suhyun smiles – happy and in love in the midst of all the sadness and anger surrounding them right now. “I came to terms with missing her. And knew the only way to get over that ‘missing her’ part is forgiving her.” Her gaze travels around the rooftop. “And this group has enough not-yet-successful love stories. I wanted to subtract one pair.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. By the way, your not-yet-successful other half is downstairs. With,” Suhyun blinks, unsure, “Um, with her mom.”

With her mom. Sejeong nods. “I’m going to go downstairs and say hi.” She stands up, and turns to leave.

Expecting Suhyun to stop her, she slows her steps down. “Sejeong.”

As expected. She looks back and raises an eyebrow. “Yeah?”

She receives a bright smile. “Good luck.”

She smiles back. “Thanks.”

-

She needed the good luck. She needed it and a whole lot more good luck charms. Because she haven’t even reached the living room floor yet when the yells started.

“Kim Nayoung, I am talking to you.”

Nayoung doesn’t reply. And Sejeong stays at the bottom of the stairs – too scared and unsure to cross the bridge to the living room and see Nayoung’s pained face.

“Listen to me, you have to stop this.”

A pause. Then Nayoung speaks in a voice so broken that Sejeong’s own tattered heart breaks even more. “Did you listen to me when I told you to stop screaming at my dad?”

“Do not-”

“Did I trigger you?”

She hears a sigh bounce through the walls and feels the sadness creeping across the floor from where Nayoung’s mom is standing. “Nayoung, darling-”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Nayoung. Please. Don’t do this. You know what happens whenever she’s around. She leaves.”

“So you want me to give up on her, right? Because she always leaves? Dad was like that too. He always left. And you gave up.”

“Do you really like her that much?”

The pause is too much to bear and Sejeong almost climbs back up the stairs. But Nayoung speaks and her feet feel too heavy for her to lift. ”No. I don’t like her that way. I used to, but she reminded me too much of dad.”

“Why are you doing this then?”

“To get rid of the hard feelings.”

The answer’s practiced. Sejeong wants – needs – to believe the answer’s practiced. But a nagging voice at the back of her head – the one that made her leave that fall five years ago and made her run away weeks before their graduation – tells her it’s the truth. Nayoung doesn’t like her that way. This is just charity.

“Are you sure? Joonyoung sent me pictures and-”

She hears Nayoung laugh – the sound hollow and sarcastic. “I thought I was the photographer? I didn’t know Joonyoung’s aspiring to be one too.”

“He sent me pictures and the girl with you-” She hears movements as she stares at the painting in front of the stairs – a painting of the sun setting. It’s beautiful, but dripping with some sort of unexplainable sorrow. As if the painter made it with his own tears mixed in with the paint as he stares at the love of his life walk away from him.

Or maybe it’s her that’s sad. She feels the stillness of the air and can almost see Nayoung staring at the pictures her mother handed her. Nayoung’s mother speaks, “Who’s the girl?”

“Hayi.”

“You look good together. And it looks like she won’t hurt you. Why don’t you try it with her instead?”

Don’t reply. Don’t reply. Don’t reply.

“After Mina’s surgery.”

The world spins and Sejeong bites her lower lip to keep herself from crying out loud.

“Good.” Silence, then the sound of a body hitting another body with so much longing and missing. “I missed you so much, Nayoung. I’m sorry for not being there as a mother. But this time… I’m doing this to help you, okay? She hurt you, I know she did. And I don’t want that to happen again. Please love yourself enough to be able to let her go.”

“I will,” comes Nayoung’s shaky reply. “Let’s go look for Suhyun’s mom outside. She’s with the kids. They’re great, mom.”

Mom.

She hears the door open.

Mom.

She hears the door close.

Mom.

Nayoung never calls her mom mom. Nayoung avoids that term like the plague. Yet she said it with so much warmth that Sejeong knows she wasn’t lying about anything.

She’ll try it with Hayi after the surgery.

And Sejeong knows her heart’s broken – crushed to a million little pieces, burnt into ashes, and blown into the wind so they have no chance of getting back together. But she walks to the living room and finds the pictures placed on top of the coffee table.

She walks to it. She didn’t want to. But she did. Her body moves on its own. And she walks to it.

Right. Left. Right. Left. Her feet move. Her arms sway. Her eyes are glued to the pictures slowly making sense.

Her fingertips raise and they land on her lips – lower one still captured by her teeth - wondering if last night was a dream.

Because right there – on top of the pictures of Hayi, Nayoung, and Mina with the same happiness she imagined people see when their eyes land on her, Nayoung, and Mina every time they pass by them in the street or in the mall – is a photo of Nayoung and Hayi.

Kissing.

Memories of two silhouettes kissing in the middle of couches and lamps on a rooftop she once thought of as her own little world with Nayoung pass through her skull as fast and silent as bullets. As deadly too.

She feels something wet on her thumb and raises it. She sees red tainting it.

Her lower lip hurts. It’s bleeding. But she bites on it hard once again.

And this time there’s no Nayoung to brush her thumb against it. There’s no Nayoung to kiss the pain away.

The only Nayoung there is the Nayoung that’s swatting the particles of the ashen remains of Sejeong’s heart with an annoyed expression in her face. The Nayoung that will leave after Mina’s surgery.

-

She stares blankly at the green semi aquatic secret agent fighting the evil doctor on the screen and tries to tune out Mina’s hearty laughs as Nayoung plays with her beside her.

Normally she would’ve smiled warmly at the sounds. But right now all she feels is annoyance.

Hatred. She hates Nayoung for making her believe that they were a family. She hates Nayoung for making her feel so happy during the last few months under her roof. She hates Nayoung for kissing her last night.

She hates Nayoung for being so hard to hate. Because no matter how hurt Sejeong is, no matter how many times she tries to brainwash herself into thinking she hates Nayoung, she can’t. Because her heart’s not made to hate Nayoung.

No, her heart was designed to love Nayoung so much that it hurts and it won’t care. It just loves Nayoung.

And Nayoung. Nayoung must’ve been programmed to hurt her as much as she can.

“Mommy.”

She looks at Mina and finds her grinning at Nayoung, tasting the term on her tongue and watching in glee as Nayoung’s face lights up.

Sejeong feels anger bubbling in her stomach. “Don’t call her that.”

Mina looks at her, confused. “But you said I can.”

“Not anymore. I’m your only mommy, okay?”

The kid frowns. And Sejeong wants to take the words back and bring the smile back to her child’s face. “But we live in the same house.”

And then she remembers that it’s all temporary. Nayoung will leave. Mina will be heartbroken. “The only reason why Dani calls both Heehyun and Aunt Chaeyeon mommy is because they love each other, okay?”

“But.” The frown deepens. And Mina looks so utterly confused that Sejeong kinda wants Nayoung to lean in and kiss the crease between the child’s eyebrows off. “But you love each other too, right? And I love you two too.”

Nayoung might love you, but she doesn’t love me. “It’s different, okay, Mina?”

“What are you doing, Sejeong?”

“Mina doesn’t need another mom. She doesn’t need to believe you won’t ever leave.” She looks up and glares straight through Nayoung’s eyes. “You’ll leave, right, Nayoung?”

Mina’s head turns swiftly – shocked and betrayed, but not believing Sejeong just yet. In a dejected voice, she mutters, “You’ll leave?”

“No. No, I won’t,” Nayoung assures her in a soft voice that almost lulls Sejeong into believing. She looks up and catches Sejeong’s eyes, confused. “What are you saying, Sejeong? I won’t leave.”

“Yes, you will.”

“I won’t.”

“You will.”

Their voices are getting higher – louder and fuller of emotions. They glare at each other, both determined to not back down.

“I won’t, Sejeong. Where do you even get that idea?” Current passes through their gazes – and instead of bringing content warm to their hearts, it fuels their anger. “Do you- do you want me to leave?”

She shakes her head. “Yes.”

“What?”

“I want you to leave, because you will leave. And I want you to do what you want to do.”

“I won’t leave, Sejeong. Stop saying I’ll leave! I always stayed, I’m not you!”

She in a deep breath forcefully and blinks back the tears. They don’t disappear. She hears Mina begging them to stop fighting but she barely spares her a look. “Is that why you’re going to leave? Because I left you so many times before that you want to know how it feels to be the one who leaves? The one who brings false hope?”

“What?”

“Remember? My eyes? False hopes?” Nayoung her lips in that annoyed way she sometimes does. Sejeong’s gaze lands on them. “Do you remember last night?”

“What? What about it?”

“You kissed me.”

“I-” the sentence gets cut off by Nayoung’s own lungs. Her eyes look at anything but Sejeong and her lips. “I did what?”

She almost cries out a sound that can perfectly describe how ing miserable she is right now. But instead, she murmurs, “You kissed me. You don’t remember.”

“No, I-”

“You’ll leave, Nayoung. That’s an order.”

Nayoung’s eyes burn with anger, and Sejeong is almost scared. “What the hell, Sejeong?” Sejeong sees her hands clenched into fists – shaking.

And she sees two much smaller hands wrap around it and how it immediately stops shaking. “Mo- Nayoung, will you leave?”

Sejeong’s feeling too much. She feels the air slapping against her body. She feels the ground trembling against her feet, trying to throw her off balance. She feels the tag on her shirt making her back itch.

She feels her heart ache at everything in this room. At Nayoung’s pained eyes. At the pictures she took and left under one of the pillows on the couch. At Mina’s shortening breaths.

At Mina’s shortening breaths.

And Mina’s turning blue.

Mina’s turning blue and the tears don’t stop falling from her eyes.

Mina’s turning blue and the tears don’t stop falling from her eyes and everything’s quiet except for her occasional wheezing.

Nayoung snaps out of her trance, screams something that doesn’t register in Sejeong’s brain, and then sprints out the room, screaming for Pinky, or the other Nayoung, or Chaeyeon, her mom- anyone at all that can make it stop.

And while Nayoung’s freaking out, Sejeong stands still. She stares at her child - her baby, her sweet, sweet girl - with her lips paling and her breaths shortening. She doesn’t think, just stares.

The door bursts open and Im and Pinky run in, the others following behind. Sejeong has no idea what they’re doing, there’s suddenly a tank of something - oxygen, she thinks - and a mask plastered to Mina’s face. Nayoung’s crying to Haein’s arms as Suhyun and Eunwoo try to stop their own tears from falling - impossible amount of fear swimming in their eyes.

Chaeyeon hugs a tearful Dani, ignoring the kid’s questions of “what’s happening” and orders of “make it stop hurting Mina”. Heehyun stands beside them, unsure of what to do.

“Juna called an ambulance,” Hayi announces as she peeks in the room. She sees Mina and a strangled gasp escapes . “I- I’ll go wait for them downstairs.”

And then she’s out. Everyone’s in a trance except Pinky and Nayoung, both trying to calm Mina down.

“It’s okay. Breathe. Breathe.”

But she won’t breathe.

Everything seems to be moving in slow motion. The tears falling from Dani’s fear ridden eyes, the rising and falling of Nayoung’s shuddering shoulders, the flailing of Pinky’s arms as she hands over everything Im might need…

The fluttering of Mina’s eyelids - open, close, open, close-

And it stays close.

Sejeong wakes up from her trance. She rips her body away from Suhyun’s arms (when did she even start hugging her?) and runs to Mina, tapping her chubby cheeks. “No! No, baby, wake up. Mina, Mina wake up.”

A body plops down beside her. “Mina, I won’t ever leave. I promise I won’t ever leave. Please, little one, breathe.”

It’s Nayoung. And suddenly, Sejeong cries harder. “Mina, Nayoung won’t leave.”

“She’s breathing.” Pinky breathes out behind them, voice laced with relief. “She’s breathing.”

And within another heart stopping moment, Mina opens her eyes and in a huge amount of air through her paling lips, chest rising.

“Mina!” Dani screams, running towards them. “Are you okay?”

Mina shakes against Pinky’s arms, eyes unable to focus on Dani. Nayoung takes her from Pinky and cries against her hair, muttering apologies that she shouldn’t even say.

A palm lands uncertainly on Sejeong’s shoulder, and she looks up and finds Im. “I think it’s better if we move the surgery to tomorrow. It’s only a week away anyway. Once the ambulance comes, we’ll take her to the hospital and ready her for the surgery.”

She thinks she nods her head, but she isn’t sure. Im sends her a tightlipped smile though, before moving away. She drops to her knees and catches Mina’s eyes. Her heart breaks, ashes breaking into much smaller pieces. Because there’s fear in her daughter’s eyes. So much fear. And it’s not because of ghosts and monsters under the bed.

It’s because of her. Mina’s scared the home she found in Nayoung will be taken away soon and it’s because of her.

“I’m so sorry, baby,” she mutters, palms restless against her lap and eyes cast downwards – unable to meet her daughter’s. “I’m so sorry.”

A small hand covers hers. Wet lashes sweep up and she sees Mina looking at her. The child leaves Nayoung’s arms and enters Sejeong’s, arms hooking around Sejeong’s neck. Sejeong hugs her back, and cries against her. “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t cry, mommy.”

“I’m so sorry, Mina.”

“Mommy, please don’t cry.”

She nods and takes a deep, staggering breath.

And silently cries.

Nayoung stays in her place, staring at them two and listening to Mina mutter, “Don’t cry, mommy” as Sejeong shakes against her small body. Tears unconsciously fall from her own eyes and she has to bite her lips to keep herself from making any noise.

She bites back a Don’t cry, Sejeong and keeps shut.

-

She sits right outside the surgery room as Nayoung leans against the wall far from her. They’re acting like children, she knows. But she can’t find it in herself to ask Nayoung to sit in the space next to her.

She doesn’t need to, because Nayoung grows tired of standing and sits at the far end of the waiting room couch.

“I won’t leave. But if you want me to, I will. Do you want me to leave?”

The words echo in the empty hall. And it hits the walls of Sejeong’s heart a bit too many times. She doesn’t answer, and instead prays to God that her child’s okay inside the hospital room.

“You’re not going to reply to me?”

Again, she doesn’t answer. Heehyun enters the hall at that moment though, and she turns to her. “Heehyun.”

The girl stops in a squat position, about to sit. “Yeah?”

“Do you only want the best for Nayoung?”

Her foxy eyes flick upwards and her gaze lands on her closest friend. Then she looks back at Sejeong, and answers in all seriousness, “Yes.”

Sejeong’s got her answer then. She nods and lets Heehyun sit.

Everyone wants only the best for Nayoung; Sejeong knows that isn’t her.

The door opens before she can say it out loud though, and an out of breath doctor comes out. “You’re the patient’s family? Mina’s family?” They nod. “There was a complication with her surgery… she won’t wake up.”

A/N: don't hate me too much, y'all.