“For all the air that's in your lungs / For all the joy that is to come / For all the things that you're alive to feel / Just let the pain remind you hearts can heal” – hate to see your heart break, paramore

-

It happens way too fast, and Nayoung’s numb just trying to understand it. Mina’s there, inside the room, resting. And she was smiling widely at Nayoung and the others just moments ago. She was grinning at them, arms spread so she can hug them. Laughing at Eunwoo’s antics with Princess Mandu that Nayoung kept on the chair beside Mina’s bed the whole time, and pouting when Heehyun told her Dani can’t come play today.

But now there’s rage and fear and sadness in Nayoung’s heart as she stares at Sejeong. “You’re… asking me to stop seeing Mina?” she asks, spits.

Sejeong blinks, flinches back, and shrugs. “She’s- she’s okay now. Her hole’s healed, and you were only helping with the hole, right?”

“Don’t you think you’re being a bit too harsh on me right now? I- I wasn’t there when Mina took her first step. But I hoped I’d be there to witness her hundred thousandth until the last one she takes where I’m still breathing. Why are you doing this to me, Sejeong? I just wanted to be there for Mina and-“

“You’re not her mother.”

They were spoken softly – very, very softly. But they pierce through Nayoung’s heart faster and deadlier than the ones Sejeong spoke when she left five years ago.

She blinks, unable to respond. Her knees tremble and she’s afraid that she might fall. But she stands tall and raises her chin.

Of course, it’s her own fault for forgetting. She’s been too in love with the memories they created together – the three of them. It’s her own fault for letting her heart believe it found a home. Of course, this is all temporary.

And it’s ending sooner than she expected.

Taking a deep breath, she nods. But she still feels her lungs deprived of air and the world spins with the action. “I know.”

Sejeong looks up at her with apologetic eyes – like she’s trying to say she didn’t really mean them – those hurtful words.

But Nayoung knows she does. They always mean it – everyone – when they say the home she found wasn’t really made for her. When they say she’s not really welcome in the home she so desperately wanted to live in.

“Okay. I know. I’ll leave. I’m sorry.”

“Nayoung-“

“No, Sejeong. I should’ve known. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have forgotten that this was a temporary thing. I’m sorry you had to see this side of me.”

“Nayoung, I’m so-“

“No, please don’t,” she mutters – begs – and Sejeong flinches at the hurt dripping from her words. “Please don’t say anything, Sejeong. If you do, I might hate you. And I don’t want to spend another five, or ten, years hating you.”

There it is. Nayoung finally admitted it. She hated Sejeong during the five years she was away. She hated her so much she just pretended she never existed. Sure, there are nights when she’s just so lonely and no one – not Eunwoo, not Heehyun, no one – could make her feel better.

And she knows it’s because the only person who ever got her through the lonely nights is miles away – or probably kilometers, she didn’t know – in some house with the child they were supposed to raise together: happy, contented, and probably has forgotten all about the girl who used to wake up in the middle of the night, climbing in her bed, and hugging her tight whenever the nightmares came invading her dreamless sleep again.

But most of the time, she just hated Sejeong. She hated her with so much passion, hated her with so much hurt clenching her heart. She never understood why Sejeong did what she did – promised her a home and then went off and left Nayoung out in the rain like a lost puppy unsure of its surroundings. A penny in the rain that no one found valuable enough to take home.

Sejeong knows though. Sejeong knows why she did what she did. And Nayoung wants to know. But all she can see in Sejeong’s eyes is discomfort – and hurt.

“You hated me?”

She swallows the lump in and feels it dive headfirst down into her heart, making it heavier than usual. “So much.”

The hurt that clouds Sejeong’s eyes makes her falter for a moment. And then Sejeong speaks, “I hated myself so much too.” And she wants to hug her tight, tell her she’s sorry. “But I hated you too, Nayoung.”

She expected herself to be mad, to shout and throw something, probably punch something even – but not Sejeong. Because she’d never hurt Sejeong like that. But she just blinks. Because she obviously expected this. She obviously expected Sejeong to hate her too.

She raises an eyebrow, though. “You hated me?”

“Yeah. You promised me a home, Nayoung.”

“No, you promised me a home.”

“You promised me a home, Nayoung,” Sejeong repeats, eyes turning watery and lips starting to tremble. “You promised me a home, but you didn’t have to. Because I already had one with you. Until one day I found someone else in our home.”

Nayoung blinks, unable to understand what Sejeong’s saying. But something in her heart’s tugging at her mind, trying to make her remember the mistake she wanted to forget so hard.

“Our rooftop. Remember it?” She nods, Sejeong her tear coated lips. “You brought Hayi there, right? And- and kissed her there.”

“The home I-“

“I know we’re talking about a different kind of home. But that action made me realize that your home doesn’t have enough space for me anymore. That rooftop was a sacred place for us. I never brought anyone there. And, yes, call me jealous because I was, but that really crossed the line for me. You kept bringing her to events only the two of us had, you kept-“

“Sejeong, she was my girlfriend then-”

“Yes, and you didn’t tell me! I needed to hear it from your own lips, with your own voice, that you picked her. I know we had something back then, Nayoung. It wasn’t a relationship, but it was something. We weren’t just friends, that’s ing bull. But with Hayi around, I realized you’re capable of loving someone else.”

She frowns. “Is that so wrong? To be able to love someone else?”

“Of course not. But it hurt me.”

And looking straight through Sejeong’s eyes, Nayoung knows she isn’t lying. “You picked Joonyoung.”

“I never did. You only assumed I did.”

She opens , ready to rebut. But no words come out. She sighs. “I never picked Hayi over you either.”

“I honestly don’t even know anymore, Nayoung. Maybe this reunion was too drastic.” Sejeong bows her head slightly, and Nayoung sees the tears falling on the floor. “You can say goodbye to Mina. Then we’ll leave.”

She watches Sejeong turn her back against her, walk slowly to the other end of the hallway – with shaking shoulders and hesitant steps – and only nods when she’s already out of sight.

Things were okay for a while. And she certainly felt like it could be something everlasting. But, of course, everything’s as temporary as always – and her happiness has boarded its plane away to a place where she can’t reach it.

Only dark days ahead, and without Mina to hold her trembling hands and Sejeong to look at her with that ‘it’ll be okay, I’m here’ gaze, she doesn’t know how to survive them.

-

“How are you?” Eunwoo asks, lightly kicking her foot from where she sits at one end of Nayoung’s couch.

Nayoung looks up from a sleeping King Simba on her stomach, eyes devoid of life. It's been so long since she last seen Mina. A month, three days, and ten hours since the last dimpled smile. But it's not like anyone's counting. She smiles at Eunwoo.“Peachy.”

“Great.”

“Yeah.”

Silence takes over them again. Eunwoo’s honestly the company she likes most in moments like these. She doesn’t prod for answers like Suhyun would, doesn’t curse at the world like Heehyun would. She doesn’t try to reason with Nayoung like Im would.

“How are you and Im?”

The younger sways her head, and looks up at Nayoung through thick eyelashes. “What?”

“You know about what she did, right? Her trying to play with your emotions?”’

“Ah,” Eunwoo mutters, nodding. Her chest rises and falls, like she just took a deep breath and let it out in one swift moment. Her gaze is trained on the moving pictures on the screen but Nayoung knows she isn’t paying the cartoons any attention. After a moment, Eunwoo dips sideward towards Nayoung’s feet, and she hugs her legs as her head rests on Nayoung’s thigh.

“It was ed up.”

Nayoung gulps, hurt at the betrayal in Eunwoo’s voice. “I know.”

“But, you know what? It shouldn’t be enough to tear us all apart,” Eunwoo whispers against her thigh, hand reaching out to pat King Pegasus’ fur. Nayoung’s heart breaks both at Eunwoo’s statement and King Pegasus’ name.

“Did she apologize?”

“She did, the night I told you guys about my song reaching top 100.” Eunwoo heaves a sigh, so deep and tired that Nayoung immediately reaches out to comb her fingers through her hair. “I miss us.”

“Even after what she did?”

Eunwoo doesn’t meet Nayoung’s gaze, and lets her own brush over the spots on the ceiling. “Even after everything. Getting my heart broken isn’t fun, Nayoung. But losing Im isn’t any better. And I have a feeling we lost her way before she hurt me, and that’s mostly the reason why.”

“She was just being an ,” she retorts, still annoyed.

“It’s like you don’t know who Im Nayoung is.” Eunwoo laughs, breath tickling Nayoung’s thigh. “She has her reasons, and I think it’s about time we listen to them.”

“Are you sure you’re okay with this?”

“No one’s ever okay with getting their heart broken.” The younger sits up, meeting Nayoung’s gaze. Nayoung’s heart almost aches at how much Eunwoo grew up, and how she’s now getting her heart broken, and she’s not lashing out on anyone. Nayoung just wants to go back to the times when Eunwoo’s biggest concern was whether she wanted to take a nap or play outside.

“But I also want to fix this friendship.”

Nayoung groans, flopping across the couch. “That’s too much emotion.” She sighs. “I still don’t even know how to deal with missing Mina so much.”

Eunwoo scowls, taking her wrist and pulling her up as she stands. “Save that missing Mina and Sejeong thing for another day. Baby steps to getting your life together.” She smiles. “Come on, call Suhyun and Heehyun and let’s go have a heart to heart, tear filled, all-those-heart-wrenching-moments-in-sitcoms-should-be-ashamed talk with our favorite doctor.”

-

It takes a whole lot of convincing to force Heehyun and Suhyun out of their caves and confront Im in her office, especially since Im’s office is in Heehyun’s mom’s hospital and the girl’s still too petty to go anywhere near unless she needs to for Dani or Mina.

But Eunwoo’s teary eyes are magical against those two and they end up in the backseat of Nayoung’s car, sulking as Eunwoo bounces on her seat.

“How are you so happy?” Heehyun grumbles, arms crossed and brows meeting. “She hurt you.”

Eunwoo just grins, nodding along to the song playing. “Yeah, but I missed this. I missed all five of us together like this. When I become a popular singer, I need us five to be best friends again so I can talk about you guys all the time.”

Suhyun scoffs, but her eyes are soft when they meet Nayoung’s on the rearview mirror. She diverts her gaze, still scowling. “Promote my cupcake shop, .”

Eunwoo’s grin widens. “Of course.”

-

Maybe they should’ve thought about how Im would react, too. Because as soon as they step in her office, she drops her papers and looks so fear stricken Nayoung almost hugs her. She tries to push them away with excuses of too much work and other bull, and Heehyun snaps at her.

“You’re the one who’s wrong, Im, and we’re here trying to fix this.” She squares up and her gaze hardens as soon as Im meets her eyes. “You don’t get to be picky.”

“I already apologized to Eunwoo. The wedding is off. I have no ing idea why we still need to fix anything at all.” She turns around to gather her papers. “People grow up and you all need to accept that. You can go have fun in your own little group, I’m busy.”

Suhyun grabs her wrist as she’s about to leave the room and turns her around, scowl marring her features. She jabs a finger at Im’s shoulder. “Don’t you ing get it? The group isn’t the same without you! You’re the one who messed it up, and now you’re the one who has the guts to not want to have this talk?”

“Me? The group was messed up even before I ed up Eunwoo’s feelings and my relationship with Pinky.” She gestures to Heehyun and Nayoung, standing with Eunwoo between them. “They had lots of fight and it affected the group, too, but I don’t remember you-” she jabs back at Suhyun’s shoulder, making the younger flinch, “-getting all worked up about it.”

“They fixed their fights. None of them left.”

Im laughs sardonically. “So? Who told you I don’t have the right to leave? I said my apologies, and I want out.”

“Are you lashing out because you think you don’t deserve this treatment?” Eunwoo speaks out, fiddling with her fingers as she looks up teary eyed at Im. “Are you lashing out because you’re mad at yourself for doing something horrible to your friends, apologizing, and then being cornered about wanting to fix the friendship you didn’t bother wanting to fix?”

Eunwoo seems to have hit a spot, as Im stiffens and her hold on her papers tighten. Her jaw twitches and Nayoung knows that means she’s about to angry-cry.

Heehyun eggs, “She asked you a question, Im,” Im starts breathing fast, obviously trying to keep herself calm, but Heehyun continues, “Eunwoo asked a ing question, Im.”

“Stop calling me ‘Im’!” she yells at them, eyebrows shaking. She looks up at them and Nayoung notices the tears silently falling. “Why am I called Im? I’m Nayoung. Why am I called Im but Na- Kim is called Nayoung?”

She sees Suhyun shift her weight from one foot to another. “Well, it’s because-”

Im – Nayoung cuts her with a glare. “It’s because I’m not really as important as the other Nayoung, right?” As she says this, her gaze flicks to Nayoung’s face. And Nayoung feels her heart breaking at the pain in her same named friend’s eyes. “The thing is… I’m not as important as any of you. I wanted to be a performer too, you know."

The air stills at the sudden confession. Gazes lift from the ground and land on the Doctor Nayoung’s eyes. Heehyun speaks, “Why did you-”

“Because I wanted to be different. I wanted to be a performer – to dance. But my desire to be different is greater. You were all taking the entertainment route. Applied music, all those fun stuff. I wanted to be different, so people would hear my name and think, ah, that girl. If I took applied music too, people won’t be able to distinguish me from-” Weaker Nayoung looks at her again, but she doesn’t see hatred in her eyes, only sadness, “-Stronger Nayoung.”

“That’s not true,” Nayoung mutters weakly, ashamed of herself.

“They might not even know there’s another Nayoung. I’m not a core part of this group. Heehyun’s the one who stirs up trouble, the excitement. Suhyun’s the one who brings the laughter – the happiness. Eunwoo’s the softness. She’s the youngest, the one who takes away the madness with her hugs and whining. Nayoung’s the one who makes sure everyone falls back together every end of the day.”

She sighs. “I’m just me. I wanted to be something. And I got mad. I just- I wanted to hurt people. I got too mad. And I… I did that. And I couldn’t stop.”

“Oh my god,” Eunwoo murmurs, and there are tears streaming down her face that Nayoung so desperately wants to wipe off. But Eunwoo moves and then she’s hugging Im Nayoung’s torso, sobbing against her chest. “I’m so sorry, Nayoung. I’m sorry, we’re all sorry. We only called you ‘Im’ because you, well, Kim Nayoung came first and-”

“I know, I understand that. I was just being petty and then I came to hate it, but you still called me that because I never said I disliked-” she breaks off into a sob. She inhales sharply, staring at them through tired, defeated eyes. “I’m miserable in Med school. But it hurt more that you guys never noticed.”

The next to break is Suhyun. She lets out a strangled cry before throwing herself on Eunwoo, hugging both her and Im Nayoung. “We’re horrible. We’re so horrible.”

Heehyun sighs beside Nayoung, raising her hand aimlessly. Then, in a meek voice, asks, “So what do we call you? Weaker Nayoung?”

Eunwoo pulls away, glares at Heehyun, but Im Nayoung chuckles softly. And it turns into a loud barking laugh, Suhyun giggling beside her. Im Nayoung shrugs. “Sure.”

Heehyun lets out an uneasy laugh. “Really?”

“Or just call her Nayoung, too,” Nayoung says. Im Nayoung’s gaze flicks to her and she manages a small smile. “We all deserve to be called our real names, and she’s Nayoung, too.”

Im Nayoung smiles softly, new tears forming in her eyes. “I’m sorry for everything I did. I didn’t make time for you guys, and I hurt you,” she mutters to Eunwoo, pulling her into her arms again. “I hurt everyone because I didn’t know how to deal with my own hurt. I’m so sorry.”

Suhyun shrugs, tears still freely flowing from her eyes. “Which perfect person knows how to deal with the hurt, anyway?” she asks, blinking rapidly. “I wish you didn’t do what you did, but I wish we didn’t drive you to do it, either.”

“You didn’t. I just didn’t talk about it. It’s not your fault.”

There’s movement beside Nayoung and she turns to find Heehyun walking up to the three, joining the hug and ducking her head to hide her tears. “When did we stop talking to each other, anyway?”

“Around the time we grew up, I suppose.” She stands straighter and smiles tightly at them before joining the hug, arms around Heehyun to keep her in the hug in case she tries to break apart. “We’re sorry we didn’t ask if you were okay with being called Im, Nayoung.” She crumples her face at that.

Im Nayoung laughs. “It’s so weird calling someone else by your own name, huh?” Kim Nayoung nods, still scowling. “Let’s figure out nicknames some other time.”

“Yeah, I just want to stay here,” Eunwoo mutters, voice muffled agaist Im Nayoung’s chest. She smiles up at everyone as she stands in the middle of the hug, and the smile back.

“You’re such a ing child,” Heehyun grumbles, no bite and all fondness.

Eunwoo meets Kim Nayoung’s eyes, tears in her own but they’re smiling. “See? Baby steps aren’t so hard, are they?”

Kim Nayoung laughs, shaking her head to hide the tears. Then she knocks Eunwoo’s forehead. “Tomorrow, you’re accompanying me to meet Sejeong.”

“I’m coming,” Suhyun excitedly says against Im Nayoung’s shoulder, smiling. “I want to go to the amusement park again!”

“Count me in,” Heehyun mutters. Then she blinks and groans. “And Dani, too. Chaeyeon won’t let me leave her with Dani on her rest day.”

Im Nayoung chuckles softly. “Can I come?”

Eunwoo looks up at her slowly, lips breaking into a goofy grin. “Of course! This is just like the old times!”

“Why are you such a kid?” Heehyun squirms under the hug, but Kim Nayoung tightens the hug around them, grinning mischievously at Heehyun’s scathing glare. “Ugh.”

“Come on, we’re being a family right now,” Kim Nayoung says, fingers digging on Im Nayoung’s shoulders as she tries to stop Heehyun from getting away.

There’s silence as they try to savor the moment, in an awkward hug with their breaths mixing together and their bodies pressed too tightly for Heehyun’s liking. Kim Nayoung just smiling to herself at how much she missed this. Them. Just them, with no hidden tensions.

She knows there’d be more fights along the way, as it’s not something you can avoid. But she hopes they all end with this: them hugging, Eunwoo smiling happily, Suhyun with her eyes closed as she sways all five of them, Im Nayoung avoiding their eyes, Kim Nayoung studying them with fondness, and Heehyun squirming underneath.

And asking, “Uh, how long do we have to do this? My neck’s gonna break.”

Just them.

A/N:

Alright, I have nothing to say except sorry. I didn't realize it's almost a year since I last updated. 2017 has been rough on me and my mental health, so I wasn't able to write all that much. It more that I only have one or two chapters after this and I left it hanging. I'm not making promises about the next update, but I hope you all enjoy this short chapter. Thank you for the support! Comments still make me happy! Happy 2018!