The garden was always rather peaceful, giving off a serenity that even I could not stop. It felt almost cleansing to my spirit.

Unlike me, each flower overflowed with its own virtuousness especially the little white flowers, small but still perfect. I was damaged, and it clung onto me like repugnant fumes reeking with immorality.

I was four when I opened the master bedroom’s door and found my father with another woman partially .

*Flashback start*

“Daddy?” I said quietly. “Daddy?” I said louder. “Daddy!” I practically screamed.

“Omo! What is he doing here?” the woman said shocked.

“I don’t know,” my father said, “Hanbin, I told you not to come disturb me.” He got up and walked towards me, the woman stretched out her hand and grabbed his hand to stop him.

She smiled at him and said, “Let me deal with this, Honey.” She turned to me and gave me a cold stare. “How dare you disobey your father?” she said in a dangerous voice. She came and grabbed my ear and twisted it until it hurt. “Never do that again and don’t you dare tell your mother,” she said in a low voice. She threw me out and slammed the door.

*Flashback end*

I saw this woman again, I was eight years old.

*Flashback start*

Her belly was bigger and Father was gently caressing it. I stood by the doorframe, fearing to go in. She had left her mark on me.

I heard Father gently saying, “She’s going to be a beautiful baby just like her mother and sister.”

“Don’t say that, you’re making me blush.” She giggled like a child, the sound made me feel disgusted.

I needed help before Mother came home but I did not want to ask for help while the other woman was here.

I walked in while saying softly, “Father, I need your help please.” I tried to stand up straight and look unafraid.

“I will help you later,” he replied shortly.

“I would like to finish my gift for Mother’s birthday,” I said hoping it would change his mind and that he would understand. Naturally, I was wrong.

He looked at me with dead eyes, “I’m very busy at the moment Hanbin. I don’t have time to help you with your silly ideas.”

“You are not doing anything of importance! Why won’t you help me?” I said growing angry. I could not comprehend why he would not just spend five minutes to finish my present.

“Don’t raise your voice at me Hanbin!” Father replied furiously.

The other woman stood up and walked towards me, “Your father has already said that he doesn’t have time. Now, stop being a brat and leave us alone,” she said firmly.

“I do not have to listen to you. You are not my mother regardless of what you do with my father,” I said indignantly.

She slapped me before I could understand what she was doing. I held a hand to my cheek. I looked at my Father, he simply sat there, uncaring. I realised in that moment that because of this woman, I held no place in my Father’s heart. It hurt me to know that in comparison to this woman, I was so unimportant that I could be left out in the cold of the world by my own Father.

*Flashback end*

It was because of that woman that I grew to detest any female who was the mistress, the affair that would one day in the future, wreck an entire family. I never told Mother of the strange woman in our house when I was alone with Father. I should have said something, perhaps things would be different, perhaps she would still think of me as an innocent. I would still consider myself pure, but I was tainted beyond saving.

*Flashback start*

Mother was screaming at him, desperately trying to find answers and reasons to the situation. “Why now?” She cried out, “How could you do this to us? Our children…”

“How could I do this to you? You’re making it sound like my fault, we both know that this was always coming,” he replied clinically, “And we only have one child, we lost the other one, I think it’s best if we split up. At least one of us will be happy if we do this.”

“If you think I will be happy…”she began to say.

He held up a hand to stop her, “You mistook me, I will be happy.  In our time together, have I ever been selfish? When you wanted to pursue your career, I didn’t stop you, I stayed with OUR child at home. When you lost our second child because you wanted to do that report and slipped, did I once blame you for it? I comforted you and supported you in everything you did, but I also need support and care. So I am going to be selfish this once and hope that just this once you will support me.”

Mother looked down, “I was wrong to think that you had forgiven me, I thought you would never bring it up. I know that we only have one child here but….”

Father cut her off again, “I have someone else. She’s pregnant and this is my chance to start over and your chance too.”

Mother’s face shut down. “I see. Who is she?”

“You don’t need to know.”

“I see that even you broke your promise after imploring me to believe. What was it that you said?” She paused and then a fake expression of remembrance appeared, “Oh yes! I will never hurt or betray you. Give me a chance to deserve your love.” She stopped and looked at him, “I see how a pretty girl can change your mind.”

“Oh don’t go on a reminiscing stroll down memory lane!” he retorted with signs of annoyance.

“I should not go on? Forgive me for trying to make sense of what is happening,” Mother said.

“There is no use, you can’t change my mind.”

“Who said I would want to? I never asked you to simply support me, I would have gladly accepted your input but you never said anything. I cannot understand how you could tell a complete stranger from us, how you feel. A nobody to our family…” Mother said growing increasingly emotional.

“She’s not a nobody. She’s a somebody to me. She is a somebody to our family…” Father began.

“What do you mean by that?” Mother said angrily cutting him off.

Father looked down, he was unwilling to part with the information. He combed his fingers through his hair and sighed, “I didn’t want to say this. It’s MinRi. She just understood me and she saw how hard of a time I was going through.” He looked at Mother beseechingly, hoping she would be understanding.

“MinRi? My friend, MinRi? So I suppose everyone betrays me in the end even you who said in your wedding vows that you would never do this to me,” Mother said. “I believed in you! I trusted you! I blindly trusted you. I cannot believe that I did not know.”

“Oh stop with the dramatics! There were plenty of signs, I mean even Hanbin found out…”

I left after that statement and went up to my room.

*Flashback end*

From that moment onwards, Mother never looked at me the same way. She blamed me and later on I learned to blame myself. She never told Father about Jinhwan, he might have stayed if she had. From that time onwards, I saw myself as being sullied with no hopes of returning to that state of complete pureness.

I broke away from my thoughts as I felt a touch of wetness in my palm and looked down to find that I had accidently crushed the tiny, white flowers.