20 January 2016

Book, I have been requested to write in you all my thoughts, memories and what feelings I can express. I do not see the point in this. However, I will do as they say.

I went for a walk today. It rained 20 minutes later.

27 January 2016

Book, today’s session with her was exceedingly boring. She only knows how to repeat and relay things I already know and suspect. Can she not see that her inquiries are pointless?

3 February 2016

Book, the food today was unsatisfying. Flavourless. I wish the chef would put in some heart into his occupation. Nobody enjoys eating food that lacks colour and dulls the taste buds.

10 February 2016

I want to go home. I miss my brother and I am uncertain how much longer I can stay here without driving myself insane.

24 February 2016

Book, it has been 2 weeks. They locked me up in solitary confinement due to the fight I instigated with another patient. She deserved it. She was like the others. She should thank Fortune, for had I been with Mother who knows what would have happened.

2 March 2016

Book, I sometimes wonder why I address you. There appears to be no point, you cannot answer me.

16 March 2016

I am bored. I have not had a session this week. I just realised I have not truly introduced myself.

Please allow me to write out my story. Or shall I rather say the part of the story that I can unveil.

My name is Kim Hanbin. I was born 19 years ago on the 22 October 1996. My family consists of Mother and my brother. I went to various schools and in total went to 9 different institutions in my life. Mother often had to move to different cities because of her chosen career. My brother and I are 5 years apart and I would do anything to protect him.

The moment I saw him I pledged to him and the universe that I would protect him. My sibling needed all the help he could secure, as he was a small little thing, even when compared to other babies born on the same day. Mother named him, Kim Jinhwan.

Due to our continuous uprooting and replanting, I have very few true friends. What friends I have I can count on one hand. As a child, I was highly gifted and many children grew jealous. This too is a factor in my lack of friendships.

A child prodigy I was called by many. Music notes and melodies were something that belonged to me. A space that I truly possessed on my own. Though I was not excellent in playing well-known pieces, I was talented at composing. I always was a faster thinker and remained top of the class regardless of where I was or which school I attended. Perhaps my only flaw, if I can call it that was my lack of inborn athletic skills. For example, I could play basketball as well as any other fellow classmate but I was not a star player.

23 March 2016

I remember the time I played marbles with my brother. He was not very good but I ensured he won more games than he lost. His favourite were the pearls because they were white. Even as a child I perceived that his soul was purer than any other that I had met.

30 March 2016

I wonder what my life would be like had everything not changed that day. I wish that he had not said anything. Mother did not know then and would have likely lived in ignorance.

7 April 2016

I was about 13 when I first noticed that Mother sometimes left the house after we went to bed. She would be out for hours. I discovered a pattern in our movements, we always moved after a long weekend where my brother and I were left with a sitter. My brother never suspected anything, even when we were older, probably because these things never seemed to bother him. When I was 15, Mother stopped calling a sitter instead I was put in charge of keeping the house while she was gone.

19 April 2016

It must be strange for me to write today. I always write on a Wednesday however I had to write today. I dreamed of clear water and then a drop of blood changed it all to red. I do not know what it means. It reminds me of the day where I asked Mother what she did when she went out at night. I had once suspected a boyfriend, but that could not have been right. It did not make sense for that to be the reason for her absences.

 I remember that day and all its details.

*Flashback*

“Where have you been?” I asked as Mother opened the door. She was caught off guard but returned my stare. “What are you doing up so late? You should be in bed, you have a match tomorrow.” “You did not answer my question. Where were you? In fact, where do you go when you leave at night?” I asked again. “You should not worry my Hanbin. Nothing is wrong, all is well,” she replied with a tight smile. “Why will you not tell me? What is it that you do that you cannot tell me nor can you do it in broad daylight?” I started to get frustrated and my voice grew louder. “You forget your place. Do not question me. There is no cause for worry,” she said shortly. I looked down, “I just want to help. You should not sleep late either.” She sighed, “I had hoped never to involve you, and you are still young I want you to remain the way you are.”

*Flashback end*

She wanted me to remain the way I was, but we both knew that I was tainted even before I had asked.