Chapter 1

Future

I have not seen them since that day. The doctors said it’s the best option. They fear a relapse but they are just being overly-cautious. I know better now, I will not be influenced as I once was, there is enough red on my hands.

Present

 “Tell me what happened,” she said in a calm and soothing voice.

“I don’t know what you want me to say.”

She paused and looked at me hard as if attempting to decipher what I meant. “Why don’t you start from the first girl? You worked down the road from her, is that right?”

“She was… I do not see the point of this. They were all the same. There is nothing to say. I have nothing to say. It no longer matters.”

“I cannot help if you don’t want to be helped, it’s been 3 months and you haven’t even tried to say something about anything. You were intelligent as a boy. Top of the class since first grade, best pianist in terms of composition, arrangement and improvisation, and always a team player in sports, however, this all stopped after graduation. Not a trace of anything, you didn’t even apply for college.” She seemed confused and frustrated.

There was a silence where it appeared as if she wanted me to respond or feel regret over my ‘lost’ opportunities.

“Don’t you want to leave and live your life?”

I did not reply, not because I was being uncooperative but I could not understand why she despaired. Could she not see I had my reasons? I do not regret it. I did what I had to do.

“I see we won’t be getting anywhere today. Perhaps you would like to return to your room or take a walk in the garden again.”

I got up and left the room. It was well lit, had white walls with fresh flowers as decorations and pictures of places I had once wanted to go to. As I walked towards my room, I heard her speak with someone else. “At least he said something today right? Even if it wasn’t what you wanted,” the other person said.

3 weeks later

“I do not know what you want. Do you want me to express remorse and apologize? Should I curl up and cry? Is that what you want?” I could not keep it bottled in anymore. I simply wanted to return home and to see my family again. “I did nothing wrong. Stop forcing me to tell you about myself.”

“Is that how you see it? You are not the one at fault.”

“They deserved it. The lies that they told other people while smiling and pretending to be kind. They all acted as if they were the epitome of grace,” I spat out.

“What do you mean by saying that they lied?” she asked.

I looked away from her and stared out the window then I replied, “They stole the spotlight from another person and acted as if they were in the right.”

“That’s not exactly true, the last girl, she was just a random girl that your mother picked. According to the police report, no connection could be found to you or to any of your family. Your mother just happened to see her and picked her,” she stated. It was one of the few times where she did not ask a direct question.

I quietly said, “You are wrong. My mother would not simply choose a girl for no reason. Mother knew that there was something wrong about her. We do not hurt the innocent.”

“You know what happened was wrong. Hanbin, how much longer are you going to delude yourself? Your mother isn’t here, she can’t hurt you anymore,” she said gently with a sad look in her eyes.

“You do not know of what you speak of. Mother is of pure heart, she had to sully herself in order to clean this world. She had to protect us. She made sure that we were not a part of it.”

“That is a lie Hanbin. You were involved. She told you what to do.”

“I chose to do it, I offered to help so that she would not have to do it alone. She was alone for so long with no other person to carry the burden.”

“Would you have done all of this had it not been for your mother?”

I turned the knob and was surprised when I did not see her sitting at the table or by the couches as she was usually. She was never late, she was always waiting for me with her board and pen in hand.

Suddenly I heard rushed footsteps and a voice calling out, “I apologize for being late Hanbin, I had an appointment and it went over time.” She wore a suit and no white coat as was her usual attire. She poured herself a glass of water and gestured to ask me if I would care for some too. I shook my head and she finished drinking.

“Please let’s not waste any more time.” While I sat down in the usual soft sofa, she put on her coat and prepared for our session. “Let’s try something different today. I have heard about your daily routine as a child and the different schools you attended. You mentioned your friends and your relationship with your mother and your brother. I have yet to hear you speak of your father.” Here, she looked straight at me. “Where is he now? You don’t ever speak of him. I’m certain that even if he’s gone you would have had some good memories of him.”

“I do not remember him. He left when I was small and Mother never spoke of him,” I said as I stared at her blankly.

Her gaze fell to the file before her, “It says here that you were 9 years old when your father filed for divorce and moved away. A 9 year old is old enough to have some memories.” She leaned forward and looked at me again more forceful than usual. “Do you know where I was earlier?” She flung her hand carelessly in the air and said, “That was rhetorical. I was at a meeting with the board and the prosecutor. It appears that they want to see results from these sessions, otherwise you will be sent to a mental asylum and declared unfit to live in society.”

I focussed on the worry and desperate plea in her voice, which confused me because it seemed as if nothing I said could make her understand that I feel nothing. The blankness that I felt inside was painted on my face.

“They will lock you away and you will never be let out.”

“Then that is what will happen. I cannot comprehend what reaction you wish me to have.”