His brown eyes... 

Kyungsoo couldn't help but stare. After so long not being in each other's company, being in his space felt somewhat of a safe haven to him again. In his room. On his bed. Surrounded by his scent. Looking into his eyes. Despite Kyungsoo's hurt feelings, their shared moment didn't fail in filling his chest up with a dull ache of nostalgia and love. 

Love... 

He wonders, looking into Kyungsoo's eyes, what the older boy is thinking. Whether they shared the same thoughts. The same feelings. 

"Why did you do it?" 

Kyungsoo hadn't fully intended to speak and neither did Jongin as his eyebrows quirked up slightly at the question. 

"I mean... I keep thinking back to it and how stupid and hopeless and pathetic I am and you just- Why did you do it? "

Jongin pondered Kyungsoo's words. His face set in deep concentration. 

"People like me." 

"What the Jongin-"

The older boy quickly sat straighter, shaking his head frantically as he tried to explain himself. 

"People like me. But it's never because of me. It's because I'm handsome. Or I can dance. Or I am a 'good' guy I don't ing know. But no-one truly... Gets me you know. But you.

"What does this have to do wi-"

"It is important because I need you to understand. I love that. I love that you get me. I love that we get eachother. I love you and I want to be with you and I have to try so ing hard all the time to pretend that I don't. And that party! That party it got to much Kyungsoo. You lent in. You wanted to kiss me. And then you said you haven't even kissed anybody before and ..."

In. Out. In. Out. 

Kyungsoo had nothing to say as he looked into Jongin's as he went on. 

I love you 

I love you... 

I lov-

"I just wanted something for us you know? Just wanted you for one moment. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you because of it. And now I don't have you at all and its killing me because it's my fault"

"Why do you think you don't have me? Jongin you-"

"I don't have you do I!! You want nothing to do with me anymore and I don't blame you. I'm a mess and I'm not good for you"

"So you sleep with me. some girls. Kiss me and then some girls?"

Kyungsoo regretted his words as soon as he said them and the tiny wince that showed in Jongins face only worsened it. 

"We haven't... I-I never actually"

Jongin didn't even need to finish his sentance. Kyungsoo could feel it again. That deep ache in his chest. Making it hard to breathe as he considered what Jongin was implying. 

"What?"

Jongin sighed as if his spirit had been knocked out. Looking broken and defeated he glanced up at Kyungsoo's wide eyes. 

"Kyungsoo, I never had with those girls"