Chapter 1: Craving What You Can't Have
Too tired to hold on; Too in love to let go.Ever since they were trainees, Seolhyun had developed very strange feelings towards Hyejeong. They were like besties - always together, but unlike the taller girl, Seolhyun had developed more-than-friendly feelings. She had been silent about it to avoid being judged and rejected, hence kept it all inside. She just enjoyed Hyejeong’s company and being her 'best friend', and that was all she needed. Meanwhile, even though she got many date proposals from men around, she refused them all - her heart was too busy adoring Hyejeong. And she secretly hoped Hyejeong would notice her someday, relying on Hyejeong's gay-ish behaviour.
But... everything was ruined when Hyejeong herself was asked out on a date by a man. Seolhyun knew it was all over when Hyejeong actually said "yes".
When Hyejeong first told her that she'd be going on a date, Seolhyun couldn't reply. She had a weird feeling as though something heavy was blocking the way in and she couldn't pronounce a word. But the worst were the sharp, sudden pangs in her chest. It literally felt like how it sounded: her heart getting broken into pieces as she came to realize that she was possibly losing her crush, along with her dreams and hopes. But she still somehow managed to keep her calm in front of Hyejeong and even encourage her before her date.
But things got a lot worse when Hyejeong actually went on a date; while Seolhyun stayed at home, trapped in the room and being too numb to think or cry. That aching, throbbing feeling in her heart wouldn't leave her alone, and she wasn't sure whether she felt the actual pain or the emptiness inside her. She had no desire to be comforted or calmed down by the members, but as time went by, she regained more need for fresh air. She put a warm coat on and slowly wandered off to the front door, leaving the dormitory and slowly making her way to the park. But something stopped her in the midway: and made her realize she used the wrong timing.
"Eonni..." Seolhyun was so numb that she couldn't even feel how a warm pair of tears rolled down her cheek.
There she was. The 'love of her life', standing face-to-face with a man, their faces inches away from each other. Seolhyun couldn't watch the scene anymore, she knew what was to happen and she couldn't bear it any longer. There was such a high and firm pressure inside her chest that she could literally feel her heart breaking. Her eyes, which were already welled up with tears and felt heavy with them, were itching even more and got blurry enough to almost lead her to lose her way whilst walking. She turned to the opposite side and ran up the stairs back to the dormitory, her eyes refusing to guide her a way. She had a hand around to avoid making any sobbing sounds as tears streamed down her cheeks.
At last she was there: back in the room. So warm and yet so cold. So dear and yet so vicarious. So big and yet so airless.
She was done. She felt stressed, worthless, miserable, unloved and lonely. She could no longer bear the whole situation, even though she kept her cool until now, she could no longer act like she was perfectly fine when her heart was mangled beyond recognition. She kept going back and forth, o
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