I embrace the weary heart of mine that is so steeped in sighs

It all started on November 4th, 2013, back when our schedule was less cramped. We all had the next couple of days free, but most of that time was dedicated to practice. Though there were some moments free. It was in one of these moments that our relationship spiralled into being.
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We had just finished practice and it was 9pm already, I was sat on the hard wooden floor, panting and sweating like there was no tomorrow. Practice had lasted 6 hours, which was less than normal, but was still tiring. Most of the members had already left for the dorm, planning to get as much sleep as they could before we repeat it all tomorrow. Only 3 of us were left now, me, Yixing and Baekhyun.

While Yixing was busy packing his stuff away, Baekhyun shuffled towards me and crouched by my side. I felt his hand brush against my leg and I immediately tensed up, having not seen him moving towards me in the mirror. He made a small apologetic sound and lowered himself to the floor, where he proceeded to wrap his arms around his legs in a childlike way and stare at me with his cute puppy eyes. With a small voice he sang ‘Chanyeol’ and blinked at me innocently.

I sighed and turned my head towards him.

‘What is it?’ I sounded annoyed, only because I was tired, but his eyes widened and he backed off a little.

‘I… I was wondering if you wanted to grab a drink, to cool down, I mean?’ the nervousness was obvious in his voice but I didn’t catch it. So, without thought, my head turned to Yixing, with my eyes still trained on Baekhyun.

‘Sure,’ my eyes flicked to Yixing, ’Lay! Do you want to come for a drink with us?’ I saw Baekhyun shaking his head out of the corner of my eye, but guessed he had something in his hair. Yixing looked up at me, eyes half shut and beads of sweat on his forehead.

‘Sorry Chan, I’m just going back to the dorm.’ he murmured before grabbing his bag.

‘That’s fine, see you in the morning!’ he nodded back at me in acknowledgment and dragged himself out of the door, before shutting it softly behind him.

I turned back to Baekhyun, who looked relieved and had a slight smile on his face.

‘Guess it’s just the two of us.’; did he sound excited? He must be really thirsty. I sent a small smile back to him before forcing myself off the uncomfortable wood of the floor. He followed me like the lost puppy he was as I grabbed our stuff and headed to the door, holding it open for him to go through first.

Flicking the light off as I went out, I called out to Baekhyun as I turned around, to find him inches away, eyes eagerly staring into mine. I cleared my throat loudly as a tossed him his bag. His eyes dropped in what seemed to be disappointment.

I tried to ignore the urge to asked him what was going on with him and succeeded until I saw him flinch when our hands brushed. I grabbed his hands and pulled him to a stop. He looked at my face then down at our entwined hands.

‘Baek, what’s wrong with you today, are you bipolar or something?’ his eyes slid back to mine, something glimmering behind the irises, something like hope. But then I gave him a pointed look, urging for an answer and his eyes went dull.

‘Nothings wrong, I’m just tired.’ he whispered with a shake of his head. He coughed nervously and turned away from me, his hand still in mine, and started pulling me to the nearest coffee shop.

I didn’t believe what he said at all but decided not to question further, after all it was none of my business. We walked through the icy streets, sticking to the shadows so nobody would recognize us. After about 5 minutes of awkward glances and gradually moist hands, on Baekhyun’s part, we reached the coffee shop and slipped inside.

The waitress already knew us, as all the members were regular visitors, so she greeted us calmly. After a second though her eyes widened in shock, as they had traveled down to see Baekhyun’s hand still tangled with mine. I pulled away quickly and a strange feeling of loss crept over me, I felt the need to reach for his hand once again but resisted, worried of the waitresses hunting eyes.

We settled down and ordered our drinks. His legs bumped against mine under the table and we both flinched and apologised simultaneously. It couldn’t possibly get more awkward than this. The waitress came with the drinks, she was still eyeing us up, then moved back over to the other side of the room, where she carried on glancing at us every couple of minutes.

As soon as I had taken a sip from my mug Baekhyun suggested we tried each other’s drinks. Our fingers brushed while we passed mugs and Baekhyun decided to turn the mug around to the side I had drunk from and press his pink lips to the same space. I felt a slight blush on my ears when I started drinking my own coffee again, knowing that we had just shared an indirect kiss and that Baekhyun was staring intently where my lips connected to the cup as the deed was being done. Couldn’t get more awkward my .

To make things worse, he started pressing his leg against every inch of my leg he could reach, staying silent, only sipping his drink, eyes unwavering from my face as if to not miss a single change of expression. I kept my face as blank as possible, so not to encourage him with his exploring. I, however got the opposite reaction from him, as he slowly declined back in his seat as if he was resting, and nudged my crotch with his knee. I leapt up immediately, spilling my drink as I went and spent the next couple of minutes helping the waitress clean it up before paying and grabbing Baekhyun’s arm to drag him back into the cold street.

We reached a back alley a few minutes away from the shop, I shoved Baekhyun through the opening and I thought of how to approach the questions I was about to ask. I pushed him against the rough, wet wall with both hands, pinning him there, ignoring the way he squirmed.

‘Look at me,’ I demanded. He obliged, his eyes were wet and his cheeks were flushed pink. What I saw evoked pity inside of me and made me realise that I shouldn’t be too hard on him, so I removed my hands from his shoulder and rested them at either side of him, making him blush harder.

‘Baek, I want you to be completely honest, please tell me what is going on with you. You are acting so strangely and back at the café, what was that?’ I was looking him straight in the eye, voice calm and quiet so I did not upset him. ‘Please, I won’t judge what you say.’

He took a deep breath and diverted his eyes away from mine, he was moving again, trying to escape his current enclosure. I grabbed his arm and softly gripped his chin with my spare hand to turn his face back to my own. His hand came up and settled on the hand that was cupping his face. His cheeks were crimson under my palm and he stared up at me, his eyes gleaming with an unknown emotion.

His mouth started moving, but no words came out so he stood there looking like a fish out of water for a while, with me staring at him, waiting. Suddenly, he closed his eyes and started leaning forwards. Questions ran through my head and shock ran through my body, making me unable to move. It was too late, his lips landed softly on mine and I reared back. My breath came heavily, my eyes were unmoving from his own which had opened seconds after the kiss, showing a sadness deep within. We stayed there for what seemed like hours, both of us panting like we had run a mile.

‘Baekhyun, wha-’ as soon as I started talking he broke down, he turned his head away from me, large tears rolling down his cheeks. He gripped my shirt and started sobbing into the material. I had no idea what to do, so I started rubbing his back. After a few minutes, he calmed down and slowly let of my chest so he could stand up straight. He still wouldn’t look me in the eye or say a word.

Knowing what he was like I didn’t push him to give me an answer, instead only patted his arm in reassurance. I was confused myself, but I respected him enough to leave him be and solve my own puzzles later.

It was getting late, we would need to go back to the dorm soon if we wanted enough rest for tomorrow’s practise. I made a move and slowly ran my hand down his arm, trying not to startle him, and entwined my fingers with his. He finally looked at me with questioning eyes. Instead of speaking I turned and started tugging him out of the cold ally way. His hand was warm in mine as he pulled me back, my face turned to his expectantly.

‘Ch-Chanyeol, I need to tell you something.’ he whispered, I opened my mouth to talk but he used his free hand to cover my lips. ‘Please don’t. I-if you speak I will lose the courage to say this.’ He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. ‘I-I like you.’

I blinked at him dumbly, staring as his eyes fluttered open and his hand dropped from my mouth. It was clearer after the kiss that this was true but I should have realised earlier. The tension between us had been growing for months. I was worried Baekhyun hated me every time he avoided me or vacated a room I had just entered. But then there were the stares I caught out of the corner of my eye that wouldn’t stop until I looked at him. In the end, it was the opposite of what I thought. He likes me.

‘Baekhyun..’

‘No, not yet. I am sorry about earlier, the touches and the looks, it was wrong. I got my hopes up, I thought you might… like me back.’ He left the sentence hanging like a question. I felt my cheeks flush as a movie wheel of thoughts ran through my head. Odd dreams seemed to flash in my mind, dreams I had forgotten when I woke up. Dreams of his pink lips gliding over my skin, his eyes gazing into mine, his small hands engulfed in my large ones.

As if he could see my thoughts he squeezed my hand, my eyes flickered downwards and then back to his. I tried to form words but the realisation hit me. I liked him too. I had for a while now but it had not clicked before today. Slowly the words came to me.

‘I think I like you too.’ I said carefully. His face seemed to glow, a smile as bright as the nicest day graced his face.

His lips came to mine once again, but this time I did not pull back, instead I relished in the feeling of his plump lips connected with mine. Only a few seconds went by but it felt like an age. The smile was still there when he pulled back. He started leading me to the street and out of our bubble but I opposed and gripped him tightly. His smile faltered for a second when he saw my expression.

‘There is one thing,’ I stated steadily. 'No one can know.’

He gave a small nod in agreement, his face more somber than before.

‘Only we know.’ he whispered almost to himself as he ce again and pulled me back towards the dorm.

A/N: Hey sorry it took so long to upload, I am literally just writing this as it comes to me with out a plan or anything. Also sorry if structually the sentences don't look right, I have mild authors block so I am currently unable to string words together with out editing the line 5 times and I wrote most of this late at night. Okay no more apologising, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. The next one will be out soonish because I have a week free so I will right whenever I can. See you next time!