{I'm supposed to be strong but I am finding it hard to fake a smile. I'm a strong person but why am I crumbling?}

Finally, after years of solo activities and concerts, BigBang has made their comeback and were having tours around the world. Seungri was doing as well as he could be, investing all his time and energy to keep up his act around his hyungs. He could not afford to break down in front of any of them. He had succeeded all these years and wasn't going to fail right now. 

However, it has been getting harder and harder for him to keep his composure and sanity especially when he was running out of pills but had no chance to make an appointment with Dr Lee. He was under scrutiny of his company who was suspicious of Seungri's oddly dormant behaviour. He stayed in his apartment when there was no schedule and turned down all offers to variety talk shows and interviews when given a choice. He stopped hitting the clubs and most suspicious of all, he would disappear for at least three hours once every two months and refused to tell anyone where he went to. He would of course lie about visiting friends or family but his manager soon realised his lies. This rang an alarm in him to keep a close eye on his charge not knowing how much distress he was causing to Seungri. 

His manager was not the only one. Seungri might be paranoid but he had this uneasy feeling when he noticed one of his hyungs sending him worried and concerned looks at times he thought he wasn't looking. Daesung was not being pushy and nosey but Seungri couldn't help being wary of his unexpectedly observant hyung. Especially when he suddenly question him when he walked into the changing room. 
"Seungri ah, since when did you change in the changing room? Are you hiding something from us? A secret tattoo or something?!" Daesung exclaimed, attracting curious glances from the others. Seungri froze for a second before regaining his wits. He laughed forcefully that he was being shy and about wanting to see his awesome body. Daesung scoffed at that and thankfully let it go. Jiyong however wanted to make sure his maknae did not do anything bad which was ironic from all the tattooes on his body. 
"Maknae, you better not let me catch you doing anything stupid. You're too young for tattoo." Jiyong nagged for the hundredth times when he failed to catch a glimpse of Seungri's body. Seungri could only laughed fakely to hide his uneasiness at his narrow escape. 

Even so, he was losing himself when he could feel the frustration and anger bubbling underneath his skin. He has been rationing his pills and this particularly bad day was his 8th day without the pills. They just ended a performance and was in their resting room when Top started commenting on how nyongtory moments were decreasing. Youngbae teased about the nyongtory ship sinking and baeri would be the new trend while throwing his arms around Seungri jokingly. Seungri grinned at his declaration and turned to see Jiyong's reaction. He initially thought Jiyong would frown or pushed away Youngbae's arm and mark his claim as always but all he did was laugh lightly. 
"He is all yours then Bae. I am dating now and i don't want her to misunderstand anything. Besides I am sure fans are bored of our fanservice by now." 
Youngbae looked disappointed at the lack of reaction from Jiyong and walked away from Seungri. "No thanks. I have my own gorgeous and perfect girlfriend too." 
That started another bickering session between the two bestfriends about how perfect and wonderful their girlfriends were, not knowing how hurt Seungri was. Seungri was well aware of his flaws and hideous self but to be compared and thrown aside like this only made his self hatred deepened. His automatic defence shot right up as he pretended to laugh at the two of them. Little did he know that Daesung was observing him intently and noticed his odd laughter. Seungri sounded like he was choking on tears to Daesung but there was nothing he could do. Not when Seungri refused to let anyone in. Not when he wasn't sure about his observation and do not have the guts to confront him alone. So he kept it to himself, just like the other times in the past.

Seungri was back in his room, chained in his personal hell. His mind was reeling in self disgust as the words earlier replayed constantly. He dugged his nails into his skin when he heard his own voice echoing in his dark room. Telling him to take a good look at his pathetic self and how he was pulling everyone down. 
"Take a good look at yourself. You call this Seungri? You are just a village pumpkin Lee 
Seunghyun. What did you do to deserve this life when there are millions out there that are so much better than you. Those that at least have some talent. What do you have? No looks, no talent. You are really something to be able to shamelessly pretend that you actually deserve to stay. Gosh I actually feel embarrass for you."
Seungri hugged himself tighter as tears gushed out like a broken faucet. 
"Stop it. Please." he cried but the voice wouldn't stop. He covered his ears as his last resort but that only make it worse as if the voice became even louder and clearer. He unconsciously fished for his pills in the drawers. He took two pills and swallow them dry. While waiting for the drugs to kick in, he took deep breaths to stop the waves of panic washing over him. Out of frustration, his yelled and threw the bottle onto the door even before his mind could register and stopped himself. The commotion attracted Daesung's attention who abruptly opened the door and was surprised to see Seungri heaving in his tear strickened face. His eyes then trailed to the lone bottle lying next to his feet. He apprehensively bent down to pick up the bottle praying hard that it was not what he had suspected. 
He gasped at the clear name on the prescription sticker. 
"You...why? Since when?"  
Seungri let out a broken wail. He was god damn tired of life. He just wanted an escape. Call him coward but it was too tedious, too scary and too difficult for him. 

Let me sleep. Just let me freaking sleep!

 He grabbed the bottle on the drawer and poured the whole bottle of sleeping pills into his mouth. He wanted instantaneous relief. 
"What the hell are you doing maknae!" 
Daesung yelled lunging forward forcing seungri to spit out those pills even before he could swallow them. 
"Spit them out. Spit everything out!" Daesung forced opened Seungri's mouth to check if he got all of them out. 
After ensuring that he got everything out, he pulled seungri into an embrace rubbing his back soothingly. 
"Why? Why didn't you tell hyung? Hyung is here. Everything is gonna be alright." Daesung's voice cracked at the horrifying scene just seconds ago.  
Seungri grabbed onto daesungs pyjammas desperately burrowing his head into the warm and safe chest. 
"Save me. Hyung save me! I'm scared. I'm tired. I just want to sleep. My head hurts. So bad. I want the pain gone. I want everything gone!" Seungri dissolved into tears as he let it out.  
"God seungri ah. Sleep. Hyung will be here. Hyung will protect you. Sleep." 
Daesung rocked seungri slowly coaxing him to finally relax and sleep. He was still in shock at the unexpected discovery. What should he do now? His mind is in a jumbled mess. Panicking, he whipped out his phone and called Youngbae. He should be reaching their shared dorm soon. 
"Hyung where are you? Come back now please. Hurry! Seungri...wait a minute."  
Daesung stopped when Seungri whimpered in his sleep. Soon the small whimper escalated to tossing and turning. He failed his arm as if warding some personal demons off. 
"Seunghyunnie. Maknae ah. Hyung is here. It's okay. Calm down. There's only hyung here. No one will hurt you. I won't let anyone hurt you."
Daesung said soothingly as he pinned the arms of seungri down to prevent him from hurting himself. 
When he was sure seungri was back to sleep, he quickly picked up the abandoned phone to Youngbae worried questions.
"Hyung just hurry home." Daesung pleaded before ending the call.
Daesung sighed and he scanned around Seungri room. There was nothing special or personalised. He laid his eyes on the waste paper basket under the desk and he could feel a shudder down his spine. He gently pried off seungri's fingers that are grasping his sleeves tightly before manoeuvring to the ominous object. He gulped nervously as his god damn overactive mind kept feeding him the image that he was afraid to confirm, especially after noticing the the penknife that lay innocently in the pencil holder. 
He in a deep breath in shock to see the basket half filled with used tissues....dyed in red and brown. No way...
Helpless tears filled the brim of Daesung's small eyes. Just what was his dongsaeng going through? Seungri_their strong baby. Why? And what was he doing as a hyung? Why didn't he notice anything? No, why didn't he do anything? What else was seungri doing to himself? 
At this frightening thought, he quickly scrambled to his feet and rummaged the room. He collected all the sharp objests and dug out all the hidden bottles of drugs. Aspirin, sleeping pills, antidepressant pills_ Duloxetine. He would have to confiscate all of them. He felt nauseous at the thought of seeing his ever confident and cocky maknae pouring these supposedly life saving pills into his mouth again. No way!
He then moved back to the bed and stared blankly at his broken maknae who seemed to be trapped in his own world of nightmares. Cold sweat soaked through his shirt matting his fringe to his forehead. Seungri breathed heavily while shaking his head helplessly. Seungri never look so vulnerable...so fragile. He couldn't even find his peace in sleep. Daesung could no longer hold back his tears. He collapsed next to seungri's bed and apologised profusely. Apologise for his failure as a hyung. He recalled his own depressing days in 2011 when seungri was surprisingly the most sympathetic to his plight. He stayed by his side despite their awkward relationship. Unlike his hyungs who tried to console him by feeding him positive thoughts that further disgust himself, Seungri just sat next to him, silently. He patiently waited until Daesung broke down before pulling him into an awkward hug that daesung couldn't be more grateful for. They laid on the bed together when Seungri finally opened his mouth. 
"Hyung, i know that you blame yourself for this unfortunate accident. Yes, you're at fault for speeding. But promise me never to take the easy way out. Because living is way harder than dying. To live is to accept your failure and punishment. Netizens are sure to put you down. Take it like a man and accept the blames. Endure the guilt and pain until you have atoned for your mistake. I will endure with you hyung. Until i can no longer do so. Even then you have to. Because that's the price you have to pay." 
That speech shook daesungs to the core. He then realised how true seungri words were. He was in so much pain that he wanted to just die and sink into oblivion in which he has no rights to do so. Who was he to just escape from his punishments. The next day, Daesung surprised the hyungs when he woke up to prepare breakfast as usual with a smile on his face. They had no idea what happened between the maknaes but they have indeed grown closer to each other. At that time, they were just glad that Daesung was getting better. 

The noise of the door opening broke daesung out of his reverie. He gave seungri one last look before quietly leaving the room. He looked at the three members who rushed to him worriedly. 
"Why are you here jiyong hyung, Seunghyun hyung?" Daesung sniffed quietly. 
"They are with me just now. What happened to seungri? Why are you crying?" 
Daesung took in a deep breath to calm himself down. He forcefully swallowed his sob. 
"Maknae...maknae is sick. And none of us noticed. Mak-"
He was cut off by the loud thud from Seungri room. He immediately ran into the room straight to seungri who was gasping for air. Seungri face scrunched up in pain. He did not even register the fact that all the bigbang members have gathered in his room. He weakly shoved Daesung away and moved to the desk where all his pills were. He randonly opened a bottle and pour out the content. He just swallowed them dry not caring how many pills he just took. He rest his head against the desk and started the breathing exercise to calm his erractic heart rate and splitting headache. His hand then reached blindly for the next bottle when a hand grabbed his. 

"Stop it Seunghyun. I will take the pills to you. Rest in bed first. I will be right here with you. That's right. Close your eyes. Breathe. Everything is gonna be okay." 

Seungri jolt out of his delirious mind. What? It was then did he noticed the presence of all the bigbang members. His mind went blank as Daesung guided him back to his bed. It was only when Daesung tried to lift up his shirt did he jerked and stopped him. He hid shameful secrets underneath the shirt that he was unwilling to let anyone know. Surprisingly, daesung gave him a knowing look and turned to the hyungs asking them to leave first. Jiyong wanted to protest at first but Seunghyun hyung dragged him out before he could open his mouth. 
When everyone was gone, Daesung lifted seungri shirt despite the resistance. He had mentally prepared himself for what he was going to see but it still hurts to see with his own eyes at the numerous cuts at the side of Seungri's pelvis bone. He pulled seungri sweatpants down and gasped at the cuts that littered all over his thighs. 
Seungri looked away shamefully. That was it. He was exposed completely. After years of struggle is this it? 
Daesung gave seungri two yellow pills according to the instructions. Seungri took them wordlessly. Daesung let his tears flowed as he carefully disinfect all the cuts before wrapping them tightly with the bandages in the first aid box. 
"I am fine now hyung. You can leave." Seungri whispered emotionlessly. 
"What are you talking about? I am not leaving you. I am not letting you deal with it alone. You can trust me you know?" Daesung cried out in exasperation.
"Hyung, i want to be alone. I am fine. I have been fine since a long time ago and i will continue to be fine from now on." Seungri insisted, trying to convince himself more than his crying hyung.
"Please seungri! Is this what you call fine?! Look at those...those cuts. Do you know how scared i was when you poured the whole bottle of pills into your mouth? You almost died! I almost lose you! Look at what you are doing to yourself!" Daesung tried to scream some sense into Seungri. 
Seungri's face burned in humiliation at the exposure of his weak moments.
"I am coping well. I just...just lose it for a moment. It won't happen again. I promise. I am fine. I have been going through this for years alone! I don't need any of your help! Please just leave me alone! Leave me alone! Leave me alone!" It was as if Daesung has struck a nerve and Seungri just exploded from all the stress and confusion. He hit his thighs agitatedly and angry tears flowed down like miniature waterfall. 

"Seungri ah! Okay. Okay I will leave you alone for now. Calm down! Calm down. Don't hurt yourself please." Daesung backed away panickly to calm him down.  Seungri tucked his head in between his knees and rocked himself. Daesung could tell that he was trying his best to steady his breathing and heart rate, He sighed and gave Seungri a last concerned look before closing the door to give him some privacy.

He was met with three expectant looks that demanded explanation. Top, Youngbae and Jiyong were confused and worried. 

"Let's take a seat first before i explain to you. To be honest I don't know much too. I only noticed something was amiss about maknae's behaviour sometime back but since he was doing fine and there wasn't any obvious signs I decided to let it go. However tonight, Seungri was looking tense and...weird. He didn't even join you guys at the club tonight. So i decided to follow him home. He told me he was tired and went into his room. After about an hour or so, I heard him yell and there was a loud thud. So i immediately went to check only to find a bottle of anti depressant pills on the floor. Seungri was crying. Then he poured a bottle of sleeping pills into his mouth. I made sure he spat all of them out before i tuck him in bed. He was a bit out of it actually at that point. He asked me to save him. He begged me to let him sleep. Hyungs, he...he was hurting himself. His waste paper basket is filled with tissues stained by dried blood. He...he cut himself on areas that can be hidden by clothes. He wasn't hiding a tattoo...it is something worse than that."
Daesung took a moment to gather himself before looking up at the others who were stunned at the sudden unexpected news. 
"These are the items I gathered while he was sleeping, More might be hidden but i don't think we should push him too hard. He had a meltdown just now because I refused to leave him alone. He just exploded and began hitting his thighs in frustration. I honestly don't know what we should do now. Just when did all these started?"
There was a heavy silence while each of them tried to absorb and understand the situation. 
"Why? Why didn't he let us know? We could have help! Didn't he trust us?" Jiyong exhaled tiredly.  
Daesung answered in an equally exhausted tone. "Actually I asked him the same question. He told me that that he has been coping fine all these years alone. It stung honestly to know that our maknae was suffering so much yet none of us noticed anything. We just expect him to be all bubbly and cocky. To be Seungri of BigBang. We took his presence for granted and now that he needed help, I don't know how to help him at all. I couldn't provide him the same support he gave me back then. I knew something was going on with him. I knew it all along but I did nothing to help. I just...just left him to suffer alone. I selfishly dismissed all warning signs because i was scared to confront him. I failed as his hyung. I failed him."

Top put his arm around Daesung's shoulder to comfort him. "Don't say that Dae. You at least notice something. I did not even care enough to notice anything. I was just self absorbed in my own life and career. I only called him when i needed his help or company. I too failed as the hyung of BigBang. But now is not the time to blame ourselves. We need to gather ourselves and think of how to help Seungri from now on. We need to understand more about him."

Jiyong sighed in agreement. "It's late now. Let's spend some time to sort out our own thoughts and feelings. Feeling sorry and guilty will not help maknae. We will stay over for the night. In fact I think I will just move in. Do you mind sharing your room with me Bae?" 
Youngbae agreed and it was decided that Top will share a room with Daesung. Tomorrow...tomorrow they will have to confront Seungri and have a long talk with him. But for now, they all have some reflection to do.