{Love yourself so no one has to. They are better off without you. }

Seungri hated the man in front of him.  He glared at the name plate in front of the man and had an urge to smashed it into pieces. This man, Dr Lee Jaejin, was infuriatingly persistent. 
"I will repeat again. I am fine. Just having a little trouble sleeping and i am too busy nowadays to remember how i was feeling. But i can tell you clearly that i am pissed now." Seungri growled out in frustration. 
"Okay, if you insist, let me translate it on your behalf then. Lee Seunghyun shi, you are still suffering from insomnia and you are so uninterested in your own life that you are unable to care enough to figure out your own emotions. Correct me if I am wrong." Dr lee stated confidently while assessing Seungri's reaction.
Seungri gritted his teeth but said nothing. He absolutely loathed the fact that this man could riled him up so easily and break his mask in the matter of minutes. "Seunghyun shi, let me help you. You don't have to tell me everything but at least be honest to yourself. You are not Seungri, at least in this room. Don't let Seungri sufffocate you. Isn't that the root of your problem now? This is just my guess but you are tired of being in the spotlight every moment of your life. You secretly long to go back to the days when you are still Lee Seunghyun right?"
Seungri bite his lips and looked away. He would not be fooled to listen to this man. This man who pretended to know everything about him even though it was only their 5th meeting. He would have left now 10 minutes ago but he needed those pills. And this man can provide him that. 
He was suffering from a serious case of depression so much that he could feel himself being into a blackhole of despair and loneliness. He endured those agonizing days of dragging his body around and pretending everything was fine until he gave up. Without the knowledge of anyone, he made an appointment with the psychiatrist, Dr Lee Jaejin. His aim was to get those antidepressant and sleeping pills and once he gets better, he would never see this guy again. Those pills work wonders. He no longer feel the heart clenching pain and bone deep disgust of his worthless self. In fact, he was numb. Inside out. Unfeeling, uncaring and aloof. He got into his usual habits of playing pretend with the world...with himself. 
However, after he ran out of those pills, he had no choice but to book another appointment with Dr Lee. The second session was not as easy as the first. There was no standard questions and polite acceptance at his unwillingness to share his feelings. This man was relentless in his attempts to tear his mask off. Just the fact that he knew he was trying to fool him freaked him out. The way he ended the session really shocked him. "Stop trying to fool me, the world and most importantly yourself. I know what it feels like. Depression is like drowning. Except everyone else around you is breathing. The pills are like oxygen tank but once depleted, you will drown again. I can pull you out of this bone crushing ocean, only if you let me help you. See you again in the next session."
 Seungri knew he could trust this man. He knew the knowledge and experience of this man was the best in Korea. However, it was himself that he could not trust. He could not trust Lee Seunghyun. 
Lee Seunghyun was forced to grow up and adapt to the society at the young age of 15 when he first came to Seoul. Back then, he had no one to lean on, no one to protect him. The young cocky boy from Gwangju loses his confidence in the matter of a week when he heard all the talks behind his backs. 
"The newest trainee is really bad. He's probably going to be send back by next month."
"He couldn't even sing. I can sing better than he does."
"His dance is average at best. Youngbae is much better. Just what did Sajangnim sees in him?
Young Seunghyun heard all that and it seriously demoralised him. What shattered his self esteem however was when he accidentally heard his own leader talking about him. 
"Who is he to just shamelessly try to be one of us? He doesn't have any talent at all! Even if he did polish up his dance, he still can't sing for god's sake! Hyunseung at least has a good voice. He is better looking and his dance is good enough. Even if I have to be in a boy group, I would rather have Hyungseung than the village pumpkin." Jiyong ranted to his bestfriend Youngbae. 
Young Seunghyun didn't know how to feel about this situation. He could feel hot tears pooling in his socket but before he could leave secretly, the door opened and Jiyong pause momentarily, shocked that Seunghyun just heard everything he had said. However, he just walked away without saying anything. He could care less if the unwanted trainee heard what he just said. 
Young innocent Seunghyun stood alone for ten minutes, looking at Youngbae who continued practising his dance. That was when young Seunghyun learnt that the adult world was a cruel place. Only the strongest survive and there was no one to trust and count on. Every single one of them was judging him, waiting for him to break and waste away. Lee Seunghyun was too weak minded to survive. He needed to grow up. He needed to protect himself. He needed to survive. 
And Seungri was born the very next day. Seungri who was cocky and thick skinned. Seungri who appeared unaffected by the ugly words of people around him. Seungri who has self esteem as tall as the sky. Seungri who do not need anyone else. 
And when Seungri sucessfully forced his way into BigBang, he struggled even harder to stay strong. The showbiz world was full of traps and sly foxes. He learnt it in a hard way when his scandal broke out. But even then he survived. Seungri survived even with his bruised heart and battle scars that would not fade. The netizens however would not let him forget his mistakes. They were reminders of his worthless self even as Seungri.
But Seungri endured because that was the only thing he could do. He practiced his smile everynight and plastered the perfect mask the next day. His broken mask needed constant maintanence but even then, cracks were appearing and it was a matter of time he would lay bare to the world. He was fully aware of that when one night, he woke up to find himself in the bathtub and his thighs littered with red cuts that were no longer bleeding out. His white shirt stained with his own blood and his hand gripping tightly on his razor. What shocked him the most was not the blood or the burning pain. It was the peaceful state of his mind and how relieved he felt. Since that fateful night, he could no longer control himself and his emotions. More cuts appeared and the old scars did not have the time to heal. Seungri was honestly scared but he could not stop. He could not give up on his only outlet. That was when he made up his mind to get help. 

And that brought him back to the present situation. Dr Lee accessing him with critical eyes while he struggled futilely to appear unaffected by his sharp words that were spot on. What Dr Lee do not understand was that he could never go back to Lee Seunghyun anymore. This world has no place for Lee Seunghyun. What they wanted was Lee Seungri. Be it to love or to lash out their frustration on, the person they wanted was BigBang's maknae Seungri. Lee Seunghyun was long dead. He had buried him 7 years ago. Why couldn't he understand that?! 
Dr Lee could literally see the pain reflected in Seungri's eyes. He could see the internal struggle and frustration. He wanted to help but he needed Seungri to open up to him. However he knew well enough to take things slow for patients like Seungri whose self defence mechanism was very strong. He remembered the first meeeting when he walked in like any normal person. He donned on this beautiful smile and Dr Lee almost thought he walked into the wrong department. However when he started accessing him and asking trap questions that appeared normal, he noticed that Seungri's problem was not just insomnia as he claimed. After pushing a little, Seungri let it slipped that he was feeling a little blue. Dr Lee knew it was more than that but he could not do anything else when Seungri insisted to be fine. He actually debated with himself for a while on whether he should prescribe antidepressant pills to him. Clinically, Lee Seunghyun did not display any signs of major depression. However his years of experience and gut feeling told him that this young man in front of him was drowning himself. He needed Seungri to come back to him and if that meant to give him the pills, he would. And Seungri did come back to him. The second session was much more fruitful then the first but Seungri still did not give in. It was until the third session when Seungri gave up pretending in front of him. It could be that Seungri was having a particularly bad day or that the depression has taken a toll on him but Seungri was much more open that day. Perhaps he was too exhausted to fake a smile and he simply sit down in the sofa, staring blankly at him while answering questions almost mechanically. But just when Dr Lee thought he was getting a breakthrough, Seungri receded back into his shell. 
"Dr Lee, perhaps for a person like me, an oxygen tank is more than enough. My lungs are no longer used fresh air and a whiff of that could potentially shut them down. I am satisfied with bearing the weight of the oxygen tanks, as long as i can breathe under the murky water. Thank you for your effort but don't waste your time on someone who doesn't want to be save."
Dr Lee was stunned by his admittance. It was the first time Seungri openly admit that he has a problem. However, Dr Lee would not allow himself to simply stand aside and watch this young man sink in the murky water when he should be out in the sun enjoying life like all other 22 years old man. 
The fourth session was more of an interpretation test for Dr Lee. He learnt to decipher Seungri's limited sharing on his feelings and based on Seungri's reaction when he make wild guesses about Seungri's current situation, he was able to access the severity of his condition more accurately. He would say he was pretty good at forcing an reaction out of the blank facade Seungri instinctively put on to protect himself. He understood that as a public figure and a global star who was under scruntiny all year round, Seungri could not afford to make any mistake. But from what he gathered, not even his family members knew about his depression and that was not ideal for his recovery. He needed all the support available but this stubborn boy chose to suffer alone. It was almost as if he trusted no one else but himself. This he would have to delved into in the future sessions, perhaps when Seungri begin to trust him. 

"Lee Seunghyun shi, tell me the truth, do you feel that your situation is getter harder to handle? Now that you started on your schedule. Do you feel that being busy is doing you good or bad?" Dr Lee asked seriously. 
Seungri honestly did not know how to answer that. He looked at the concern and determined face of Dr Lee and couldn't help but wonder why does he care? Why care for a stranger like him? It wasn't like he was gettting paid more for curing him. So why? 
Seungri did not know why but he answered Dr Lee truthfully. He told him that he did not know what he was feeling but he was coping fine. He wasn't feeling any worse and the pills numb to the degree that he no longer care about how he was feeling. Perhaps unlike what Seungri thought of himself, somewhere deep within him, Lee Seunghyun was desperately waiting for someone to save and free him. And that someone might just be Dr Lee. 
Dr Lee nodded pleasantly when Seungri answered him truthfully. It wasn't that feeling absolutely emotionless was good but at least Seungri was honest to himself. He was no longer trying to fool himself into thinking that he was doing great. Admitting that he was sick was the first step. The next step would be to understand himself. However, that required a lot of time on his part to guide him. Time that Seungri do not have. In fact, the fifth session was ending as Seungri needed to rush for a live performance. 

"Alright. I understand. Thank you for your honesty and cooperation. You did great today. I will prescribe the same dosage as the last session. This can probably last you for 2 months but you need to see me again after that. I understand fully about your situation as an idol and the risk you are taking but this is the hospital protocol. You can make an appointment whenever you like. My doors are always open for you if you need someone to talk to. Hope to see you soon Lee Seunghyun shi." Dr Lee shook Seungri's hand tightly and looked into his eyes warmly. Seungri averted his eyes as if he was burnt. He was not used to such kind and powerful gaze. 
Seungri donned on his disguise before trudging out of the room. This session was exhausting as usual. He depised the fact that Dr Lee could read him like an open book but how much he had read was unknown to him. Stupid mind reader. 
He collected his medicine before leaving the dreaded place to their dorm. He had started living with Daesung and Youngbae and he was honestly fine with it. It wasn't like there was much interaction among them anyways. By the time he reached the dorm, he only had 2 hours to get ready. He could hear Youngbae and Daesung busying themselves in their respective rooms. Seungri returned to his safe haven and hid his pills in the drawers at his bedside. It wasn't like anyone would barge in without his permission but even for a while, he wanted to pretend he was not sick in his mind. 
He caught at his reflection in the mirror and frowned. Who was the hideous looking man in the mirror? When did he become so old and sluggish. His sunken dark circles made him looked like a man on death bed and his body...the fats underneath his clothes. The blemishes on his skin and the pathetic look in his eyes when he looked at his filthy self. No, he could not go out like this. He could not face the outside world like this. Not when he could not even bear to look at himself for more than a minute without wanting to tear his ugly face off. 
He unconsciously reached out for the penknife that laid in his pencil holder. He needed to regain control and calm himself down. He desperately needed to relieve his pent up self hatred by punishing himself. Only then would he be able to forgive himself for even existing. 
At first it was only a shallow cut as he hissed at the sharp pain. However, there was not enough pain and he went on to the next line applying a little more force than before. This time round the layers of skin split open and blood gushed out immediately. Blood slowly trickled down his thighs onto his bedsheet but he could not bother with that. He stared in amazement at the blood stain pooling underneath his thigh, spreading bigger and bigger like a red flower blooming in spring. It was just so captivating. He was broken out of his trance when Daesung knocked on his door, rushing him to get ready in five minutes. Only then did he realised the time and carelessly wiped his thighs with tissue. After making sure that the wounds are caked by dried blood and no longer bleeding, he pulled on a new pair of jeans and threw the tissues into he bin. He almost forgot to wiped the pen knife clean and placed it on his table. He left his room quickly, avoiding the mirror on top of the dressor table. He could not afford to let his control slip now. BigBang needed Seungri to be perfect now.