Goodbye, my ending

“Brother,” Sehun’s voice was a soft, powerless whisper, “please-”

“I’m going to Curacao, Sehun,” His brother’s voice on the phone sounded so distant and foreign it hurt, “nobody’s going to stop me. Not even father can change my mind this time.”

“What about university? What about Soojin?” Sehun turned desperate as the realization really sank in, What about me? “What about-”

“Sehun, it’s time for me to explore,” The determination in his brother’s voice pierced right through Sehun’s heart, “Sehun…” The voice softened carefully, “Forgive…. Forgive your brother, alright? I need to find my place in this world.”

“And your place in this world is in Curacao?” Sehun replied bitterly, “Well then I hope you stay in Curacao forever! I don’t want to see your face ever again!”

Lies. They were all lies. Sehun was a liar, a big fat liar. He would do anything to see his brother again. He would do anything to make his brother stay. It was unfair of his brother to suddenly make a rash decision and leave the country next week. It was unfair of his brother, a person Sehun had always looked up to, to simply leave like Sehun meant nothing at all. No matter what his brother’s reasons were, they were not valid. They were not right. Nothing could make this decision sound right.

“Sehun-”

Sehun would break into pieces if he heard one more word, so he quickly pressed the end-button. There was so much boiling inside of him, so much that needed to be expressed, but Sehun did not have the time to let it out. Sehun had to go home, study and work. Sehun had expectations to meet, promises to keep. Sehun did not have time to cry at some bus stop miles away from his safe harbor. Sehun did not have time for emotions or feelings.

Yet, as he watched the rainfall from under the bus shelter, he felt the inexplicable urge to burst.
“Did you order the rain?”

Sehun’s eyes flickered in surprise as he looked up to meet a pair of big eyes. There was something youthful and cheeky about the way this person stood in front of him, the rain dripping down from his wet hair. And that something made Sehun feel extremely defensive.

“Excuse me?” Sehun asked.

The young man with the bright smile and crinkles at the corners of his eyes, chuckled heartily, “I’m sorry, you looked so gloomy I thought you were the one who ordered the rain.”

“I…” Sehun looked up to meet a colorless sky, “That’s not possible…”

The other broke out into a bright laughter, “You’re being too serious,” The stranger made his way next to Sehun, glancing at Sehun with an effortless smile, “Hey, you want to hear something?”

“What?” Hesitation filled Sehun’s eyes as he watched the other rummaging through his bag.

“Something to make you relax,” The stranger pulled out his phone, the earpods dangling carelessly from it, “Here you go,” Lu Han put one of the earpods in Sehun’s ear, “Let go.”

The melody was gentle and smooth. There was no harshness. There was no abruptness. There were only lingering notes, lingering wishes. There were only the little voices trying to hold onto something dearly, but failing miserably. All the hands could hold onto was sadness. All the hands could hold onto was a bitter sadness that slipped right through the fingers and into the hearts.

“It’s okay to not be okay, you know?”








><

It’s my fifteenth try today. I’ve tried the recipe Hyunwoo89 sent to me, thank you for sharing. The sponge cake was indeed firmer, but it was a bit on the dry side in my opinion. I’ll try lessening the amount of flour next time. Fortunately, this time the raspberry ice cream inside didn’t melt, but the meringue almost turned black. I think I need to adjust the heat of my oven next time.

The sweet smell of baked meringue and vanilla sponge cake lingered in the air as Sehun typed his post, the old laptop producing an uncomfortable and dusty heat. The burning sunrays hitting his body caused a thin layer of sweat, which glued his shirt to his skin like a clumsy piece of papier-mâché. There was so much waiting to be washed and taken care of, but the unbearable disappointment that came with yet another failure to make the perfect Baked Alaska numbed him. He was so close, so terribly close.

Just not close enough.

He was about to click the post-button, when his phone gave the familiar and sharp tone he had been waiting for all day long. It instantly grabbed his entire attention, a fire rushing through his entire system. His hope was growing with every millisecond as he hastily reached for his phone, desiring to see only one single name gracing his screen.

It was indeed that one name his heart had longed for, but the content of the message threw all his hopes off the cliff.

Baekhyun: That friend of mine I messaged about before will arrive today.

A bomb of sadness exploded inside of Sehun at the message, filling every vein of his body.

Sehun: Let’s talk this over.
Sehun: Please…
Baekhyun: …Sorry.

The scent in the apartment instantly turned bitterly sour. One rejection and Sehun felt like everything was taken away from him. He felt like crying and throwing with objects, and it took all his self-control not to. It took all his energy to force himself to pick up the fork and dig into the dessert like a madman. Maybe he really would become crazy, if he allowed himself to.

Baekhyun.

Sehun choked on a piece of slightly burned but crunchy meringue at the name. His eyes mindlessly looked around the apartment. So many things still screamed out Baekhyun’s name, Baekhyun’s being. There was the coffee brown leather couch Baekhyun had so desperately wanted to buy the first time he saw it. There were the many souvenir magnets Baekhyun loved to collect whenever he went on a trip on the refrigerator door. There were the plates Baekhyun had made himself at a workshop one time, far from perfect but full with passion and love. The screaming was so loud that it kept Sehun awake at night.

But maybe the most painful fact of it all was the reality that with every passing day, the screaming weakened. With every passing day, Baekhyun disappeared even more. Sehun could try to chase after it, but it was futile. His laughter, his scent, his liveliness – it was disappearing. Burnt pancakes and jumping on the couch were becoming increasingly difficult to imagine. Memories of kissing in the kitchen under the refrigerator light and waking up together were slowly losing its colors, becoming more and more like a vague dream.

All that stayed was… Silence.

“I really love your cooking, Sehun!”

Sehun shoved another piece of the dessert in his mouth, the taste unbearably sweet.

In the end, everything would get eaten up by silence.


><

Honestly, Sehun thought these kinds of people only existed in movies, dramas and books. He thought these kinds of people were fiction. Then again, maybe these kinds of people really did exist, but they just never crossed paths with someone like Sehun. Maybe these kinds of people really did exist, lived under the same sky but in a different world. They lived in a different world from Sehun, who always double-checked the weather forecast before leaving home.

Not like the person in front of him, who seemed to have swum in the roughest ocean before arriving at Sehun’s front door.

“It was raining while I came here,” A soft, raspy voice stated matter-of-factly, as if the sight was not something to be surprised of.

“I… I see… Listen,” Sehun wanted to be as polite as possible, but the itch to make this person go away was unbeatable, “I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to stay he-”

“I know it’s sudden, but I have no place to stay and Baekhyun said it would be alright to live here for the time being. I’ll pay rent,” The stranger with the dark brown hair said, looking up with a pair of big eyes, “Baekhyun said you wouldn’t say no.”

It was cruel. It was really cruel how Baekhyun could make him give up so effectively. One only needed to mention Baekhyun, and Sehun would immediately give in. Sehun would instantly comply. Sehun would do anything, really anything, when it came to Baekhyun.

“I…” With every single second the motivation to say no diminished, “I just never heard about you. I know all of Baekhyun’s friends, but I never heard about you.”

The young man smiled slightly, shrugging his shoulders, “Maybe he just never bothered telling you about me.”

But Baekhyun tells me everything, Sehun wanted to scream, “I see…”

“I’m sorry, I should formally introduce myself,” The slightly smaller male let go of his luggage in order to extend his dripping wet hand, “My name is Lu Han. I was Baekhyun’s classmate in high school.”

“Nice to meet you, I’m Oh Sehun, Baekhyun’s-” Sehun’s heart clenched as reality sank in once again, “I’m Oh Sehun,” He shook Lu Han’s hand with reluctance, the water seeping into the pores of his skin.

The young man blinked his eyes a few times before nodding his head, as if understanding what was going through Sehun’s mind, “Thank you for letting me stay here.”

Don’t thank me, thank Baekhyun, Sehun thought bitterly, “It’s no problem.”

“Is it alright if I get inside?” Lu Han asked while looking at Sehun, “I know I must look terrible right now but it’s rather cold outside-”

“Oh, of course!” Sehun said, eyes widening as he realized how impolite he was for not letting the other inside already, “Come inside!”

“Thank you,” The brown haired male said before stepping inside, the wheels of his trolley making an ugly screeching sound that caused Sehun to wince.

Sehun closed the door before watching the young man, scratching the back of his head as he contemplated what to say, “You… You don’t have an umbrella?”

Lu Han shook his head at this, “I just didn’t feel like using it.”

Sehun gave the other a nervous nod, not really knowing what to say to that, “I see…” His gaze landed on the small size of the man’s luggage, a spark of surprise firing up inside of him, “Is that all your stuff?”

Big eyes looked down at his own luggage before nodding his head, yet another polite smile lingering on his face as he spoke gently, “Yes. I don’t have much, don’t worry.”

“No, no, no!” Sehun waved his hand anxiously at this, “I didn’t mean it like that! I- I was just surprised! I mean, n-normally a person would have more stuff, right?”

This caused Lu Han’s gaze to lose its strength and Sehun’s throat to go dry, “I like fresh starts.”

Sehun did not know what to make of that sentence.


><

Ever since Baekhyun left, Sehun started baking like he aspired to become a baker. It was his way of coping with the unbearable emptiness that left his body hollow. It was his way of getting through the evening hours otherwise spent staring at the wall. Ever since Baekhyun left, his love for sleep was one-sided, the latter running away from him like he was a nightmare.

It was half past eleven when he cracked open the first egg, starting the tedious job of separating egg whites from egg yolks. A good macaron needed not a lot of ingredients, but a lot of care and attention. And the more care and attention Sehun gave his sweets, the less time he had to crave for care and attention himself.

“What are you doing?” A smooth voice asked politely, yet causing him to momentarily lose his focus and drop some egg yolk into the bowl of egg whites – ruined.

“Damn it!” Sehun shouted in frustration as he stared at the little bit of egg yolk tainting the transparent whiteness, “I- I was planning on making some macarons.”

Lu Han gave a glance at the clock hanging on the wall before stating, “It’s almost midnight.”

“I’m sorry,” Sehun bit his lower lip, remembering once again that he was no longer alone in the apartment, “I’ll keep quiet.”

“I’m alright with you baking at night,” Lu Han said immediately, hastily waving his hand, “I was just wondering whether it isn’t a little too late to start baking.”

“I…” Sehun stared down at broken egg shells, a lump growing in his throat, “It’s-”

“Hey,” Lu Han interrupted, big eyes looking at the bowl of egg whites, “you want me to help?”

Sehun blinked his eyes, “You can bake?”

A grin grew on Lu Han’s lips, “I’m actually better at tasting.”

Sehun tried to keep himself from laughing, but a soft chuckle nevertheless escaped his mouth, “Don’t you need to sleep? I mean,” He pointed at the dark circles ungracefully but visibly present under Lu Han’s eyes, “you look like you could use a good night sleep.”

“I’m not young enough anymore to be able to sleep before midnight,” Lu Han said without looking the other in the eyes, “Hey, you have a lemon?”

Sehun’s eyes flickered in surprise, “Y-Yes, but why?”

“Putting a few drops of lemon juice in the egg whites before you whisk it makes the meringue much silkier,” Lu Han took a seat on the counter chair, “You should try it.”

“I think I’ve heard about that…” Sehun replied with a nod before his eyes widened, “You do know how to bake.”

“I just really like eating delicious food,” Lu Han pointed at himself with pride, “if you get my approval, you know you’re doing a good job.”

“I didn’t expect you to be narcissistic,” Sehun commented while he walked to the refrigerator for a lemon, amused with the other’s attitude, “you looked pretty down to earth when you walked through the front door.”

“This is called being honest,” Lu Han said with a cheeky smile, “humbleness is overrated.”

Sehun was about to say something back, when something popped up in his mind.

“I’m the best when it comes to singing,” Baekhyun stated, his eyes beaming with pride.

Sehun laughed at this, “How can you praise yourself like that without feeling embarrassed?”

“There’s nothing wrong with being honest, Sehun!” The smaller male immediately replied, “We shouldn’t need to be humble all the time. Being honest sometimes makes life much easier!”

Baekhyun lived his days with a forgiving smile. He was only human, so of course he was bound to trip and fall from time to time. However, what made Baekhyun incredible was the fact that he never gave up. Baekhyun cried and complained, but after that he would wipe the dirt off his face and stand up confidently again.

“Hey, Sehun-”

Baekhyun was often afraid, but after that he would face the monsters like he was fearless.

“-Are you listening?”

The lump in his throat was growing bigger and bigger, making it harder and harder for him to breathe. Every thought was hurting him, every second was forcing him to move on when all he wanted was to stand still-

“Sehun!”

Sehun snapped his eyes wide open at the loudness of the voice, “Y-Yes?”

“Are you alright?” Lu Han asked in a voice that seemed genuinely concerned.

“I…” Was I alright? “Y-Yes, completely fine.”

Sehun immediately put his autopilot mode on after he said that. Shutting down the emotions and feelings. Shutting down the thinking and wishing. It was the only way he could function. When he was baking, he had no time to think about anything else but flour and eggs, which was great because thinking too much would only ruin.

Thinking too much could only ruin.

“Hey, Sehun, do you like listening to the radio?”

Sehun heard Lu Han speaking, but he could not let the words sink in. His mind was too numb to accept any stimuli from the outside. All he could hear was whisking and piping. All he could feel was delicate egg whites, fragile almond flour and melted butter. All he could understand was baking and creating.

All he could understand was-

You love who you love
Who you love
You love who you love
Who you love

Sehun dropped the piping bag he was busy preparing. His whole body froze, but his heart dropped at the words being sung. His breath and peace were stolen just like that. He could try his utmost best, but he was not going to hear anything else but the words being sung.

“What…” Sehun’s voice was raw and soft.

Oh you can’t make yourself stop dreaming
Who you’re dreaming of

“It’s painful, isn’t it?” Lu Han asked while picking up the piping bag and continuing Sehun’s work of piping macaron shells.

“What is?” Sehun replied before biting down harshly on his lip.

Lu Han’s voice was understanding, “Trying to keep it all in.”

Some have said his heart’s too hard to hold
And it takes a little time
But you should see him when he shines
Cause you never wanna let that feeling go


><

Sehun woke up with guilt mocking him. It had not been Sehun’s intention to lose control. It had not been Sehun’s intention to throw his apron down on the kitchen counter before rushing into his bedroom. It had never been Sehun’s intention to yell at anyone or to lose himself completely.

“Who do you think you are?! Mind your own business!”

But Sehun was not the kind of person who dealt with sudden obstacles well. Sehun was the kind of person who had everything planned out, worked out. Sehun did not jump into situations without a plan and a back-up plan. Sehun was always prepared, always saved by his diligent preparations. He did not like people messing with his plans and ideas. He did not like people who relentlessly walked into his life, throwing things upside down like all his hard work was nothing, and pretended it was out of good will.

And that was exactly what Lu Han had done.

Songs. Sehun did not listen to songs. He did not seek songs. He lived his life listening to the sound of reality. And that was already enough. More than enough. There was no need for music created by ambitious dreamers who heard more than they should. Listening to music was a bad way of losing control, and Sehun did not like that kind of feeling. Sehun’s priority was to always stay sober.

Yet, as he stepped into the open kitchen, his breath hitched. Yet, as he looked at the small porcelain plate with brightly colored macarons, his heart hurt. The aggravating lyrics popped up like fireflies in the forest, bursting colorfully in his colorless world. Sehun would do anything to keep those colors out of his sight, out of his mind.

Whatever did not touch him, could not harm him.

You love who you love

Sehun decided that admiration of food was a waste of time as he stuffed the macarons into his mouth. The taste was so far away, but the sweetness tasted like a fresh wound. The vanilla bean paste tasted like tears. The meringue tasted like the rivers he cried in his dreams. The crunch tasted like his heart cracking, breaking. Sehun was pretty certain sweets were not supposed to make him experience such an agonizing pain, but there was no helping it. There was no stopping it.

It was at the speed of lightning that Sehun grabbed his phone and hastily sent a desperate message to the one person his mind was filled with at the moment.

Sehun: I miss you.

It was missing someone in the worst way. It was missing someone in the ugliest way. The way Sehun missed Baekhyun was awfully raw. He would see Baekhyun’s being in people. He would be remembered of Baekhyun’s being with inanimate objects that never meant anything before. He felt hollow. He felt like he was incomplete. It felt like he was left on his own in a place that was no longer familiar to him. Every wall screamed Baekhyun’s name and Sehun was not strong enough to let the memories go.

Sehun: So, so, so much…


><

“I bought us a blender,” Lu Han said the moment he walked through the front door.

Sehun looked up from his pot of homemade chicken soup, a weak polite smile appearing on his anxious lips, “Is that so?”

Lu Han nodded his head, ignoring Sehun’s hesitance and seemingly disregarding last night’s little fall-out, “To make smoothies.”

“You like smoothies?” Sehun asked, a little bit more comfortable with talking as time passed and he watched Lu Han threw himself on the couch with his coat still on.

The smaller male shook his head at this, big eyes blinking a few times before replying, “No, actually I just really like to see fruit getting destroyed.”

Not knowing whether Sehun was to really take this answer seriously, he merely laughed a little. Lu Han, however, seemed to have been utterly serious because he walked up towards Sehun to show him the content of the plastic bags he was holding – oranges, apples, bananas, pears, even strawberries. It must have been at least a few kilos that Lu Han had carried all the way home.

“You’re serious?” Sehun asked in surprise.

Lu Han grinned at this, “Why do I have this feeling you think I’m a completely suspicious and untrustworthy person? Because I don’t remember ever lying to you.”

Just because you’re not lying, it doesn’t mean you speak the truth, “I… I n-never thought of you like t-that.”

A soft chuckle left the other’s mouth, “Of course you didn’t. Hey, what are you making?”

Sehun scratched the back of his head as he explained, “Chicken soup with rice noodles.”

“Wow, that’s really something else,” Lu Han took a deep sniff, eyes lighting up like those of a little child, “Hey, let me eat with you. I’ll make you a delicious fruit smoothie in return.”

Sehun was about to decline, because he did not really fancy fruit smoothies, when he saw how Lu Han’s eyes shone so excitedly at the scent of homemade food. It was a sight he had not seen in a very long time, but did not think would ever miss this much. Also, the sight caused a lump to grow in his throat.

“I…” The lump grew bigger with every passing second, “…Alright,”

“Awesome!” Lu Han exclaimed happily.

And the lump vanished in the air.

Sehun was about to continue cooking, when the guilt filled him once again at the remembrance of his rude behavior yesterday, “A-Also, about yesterday- I… I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-”

“Don’t worry about it,” Lu Han said with a smile, “I understand.”

If that was Lu Han’s reply, Sehun felt it would be better to leave things as they were then, “Thank you.”

It had been awhile since Sehun ate dinner in the apartment with someone else. It had been awhile since the apartment was filled to the ceiling with the sound of happiness and the air of joy. Living alone was not difficult thing. Not at all. Everyone could live alone. However, once you knew how living with someone else felt like, everything that you did alone felt so meaningless. It felt incomplete and it created a hole in your chest. Eating alone did not make sense anymore once you knew how it was to eat together. Food did not taste delicious anymore on your own once you knew how heavenly it could taste when eaten with someone else.

Maybe that was why people started looking for home in the arms of money-loving sirens once their houses were empty. Everyone needed a home, after all.

“Here you go,” Sehun said, a spark of excitement going through his body at the sight of two bowls on the table, “Chicken soup with rice noodles. I’ve added corn-”

“It’s a fresh chicken bought at the local market four bus stops from here, chopped by someone who knows how to handle precious meat like chicken. So no pieces of bones in the soup. And the soup’s so clear because you’ve removed the fatty skin. You’ve added ginger shortly after adding the chicken to boiling water, giving the soup warmth that tingles in your throat. The vegetables all complement the chicken so well, like carrots and corn. And you added a little bit of coriander for some kick and scent. You used freshly made noodles bought at E-mart, boiled for precisely five minutes before rinsing it with cold water. However… There’s this mild sweetness that I can’t seem to explain…” Lu Han took another spoonful of the soup, eyes glistering the moment he realized what the answer was, “Honey dates.”

Sehun was beyond shocked, his eyes widened to their maximum, “You…”

Lu Han grinned cheekily, “I told you I would know whether you did a good job or not.”

“H-How did you know?!” Sehun took a taste of the soup himself, trying to see whether he could taste every single ingredient.

“But don’t get too full of yourself,” Lu Han said without looking up, eyes glued to his bowl of noodles, “You still have a lot of room to improve.”

“What do you do for a living?” Sehun asked in awe, extremely curious now that he saw for himself what this person sitting in front of him was capable of.

“I’m a radio DJ at MBC FM4U.”

If it was possible, his jaw would have embarrassedly dropped on the table.

Lu Han looked up and laughed at Sehun’s perplexed face, “Hey, don’t be so surprised. Just because I’m good at tasting doesn’t mean I cook for a living. I told you before, I’m better at eating delicious food.”

“I… I just didn’t expect it…” Sehun replied, the embarrassment crawling under his skin.

“That’s fine, I didn’t expect you to be saving children for a living either,” Lu Han nodded his head in appreciation, “I admire that.”

“H-How did you know?’ Sehun was sure he had not told Lu Han before he was a pediatrician.

Lu Han looked Sehun in the eyes with a fond softness, telling Sehun that it had been Baekhyun. As always, it was Baekhyun.

“How is he-” Sehun wanted to ask Lu Han so badly, but there was no way the words would leave his lips.

However, Lu Han seemed to have understood, because he put down his spoon before speaking, “You two are terribly similar.”

The taller male’s eyes flickered in surprise, “What do you mean?”

There was a flash of something serious in Lu Han’s eyes before the playfulness appeared again, “Nothing,” Lu Han stood up with a smile, “Thank you for the meal. Now it’s time for me to show you my skills.”

“Making a smoothie requires skills?” Sehun asked with wide eyes.

Lu Han grinned in amusement, “I don’t know about anything else, but cutting fruit definitely requires skills.”

Sehun never thought peeling and cutting fruit would need any skills, but seeing how Lu Han murdered apples and strawberries mercilessly made him reconsider that thought. There was more fruit on the apple peels than on the apple itself. The juice of the orange was scattered all over the counter like a war had happened. There was almost nothing left of the fruit, and Sehun’s heart ached at the sad death of fresh fruit. This was against all Sehun’s principles when it came to food.

“Could you… Like… Please, give me that knife?” Sehun asked, wincing at the sight of Lu Han relentlessly cutting an apple into two.

The other looked confused, “Why?”

“You- I… You really are a disaster when you cut fruit, you know,” Sehun said honestly, quickly grabbing the knife before Lu Han could continue.

“It’ll still taste good,” Lu Han reasoned.

Lu Han watched intently as Sehun cut the fruit neatly. Every plate was slowly filled with a different kind of fruit, and slowly but visibly the messy remains of Lu Han’s fruit war was covered by Sehun’s diligent cutting. A proud smile appeared on his lips as he put down all the bowls on the kitchen table. He swiftly opened the box with the blender, putting the machine gently on the table.

“So, what kind of fruit do you want in your smoothie?” Sehun asked while looking at Lu Han expectantly.

Lu Han glanced at the different kinds of fruit before messily picking things up with his hands. Sehun groaned intently at the other’s ignorance of the spoons lying next to the bowls.

“I want some heartbreak,” Lu Han said as he threw some strawberries in the blender, “some sadness, some anger and a whole lot of loneliness,” A huge amount of sliced apples went into the machine, “Alright, time to destroy.”

Sehun watched with a frozen body as Lu Han put on the machine. The blender turned distinct fruit into one chaotic mess of a drink. The structure was destroyed. The individuality was destroyed. Everything Sehun worked so hard for, disappeared. Everything combined into a loud sound of movement that sounded strangely comforting. It was loud enough to cover his ears, but soft enough not to reach his deepest fears. And that was all he needed.

Lu Han poured the fruit juice into two glasses, “Here you go, my friend.”

“T-Thank you…” Sehun said as he took the glass Lu Han handed to him.

“You want to hear a song?” Lu Han asked after he took a large gulp of his drink.

Sehun was so close to saying no, because he did not like songs, but he was too curious what kind of song Lu Han would choose this time. Lu Han worked at a music station, so that should mean something. At least, he hoped it would mean something. Sehun did not understand why he thought it would mean something, but he decided to leave his thoughts be.

Lu Han grabbed his phone and looked through his music library, seemingly already having a song in mind. A victorious smile appeared the moment he found the song he was searching for. He quickly put down his phone and put it on loudspeaker mode. The first soft note crashed into the kitchen like a huge exploding bomb.

(I have never really felt)
(The ambience of a snowfall)
(We shiver together)
(So that we can truly understand)
(The meaning of tenderness)

(We have never walked hands in hands)
(On a deserted beach)
(Perhaps from now on)
(We can learn to cherish eternity)

“You don’t understand Mandarin, do you?” Lu Han asked, smiling when Sehun shook his head, “This song is called Red Bean. I’m not sure if red beans symbolize anything here, but for Chinese people, red beans symbolized love and fidelity.”

Sehun felt the lump growing in his throat again, “Some believe red beans can prevent bad luck.”

Lu Han nodded at this, a soft grin appearing, “I see. Well, that’s not that different.”

“It’s a superstition, though,” Sehun argued, the words coming out painfully with the lump preventing him from speaking smoothly.

Lu Han laughed at this, “Do you really need to be so insufferable all the time?”

(There are times, there are times)
(When I believe that everything has a limit)
(There are times when we are together and times when we are apart)
(Nothing can last forever)

(But there are times when I’d rather)
(Choose to keep this love alive and not let go)
(And wait until we have finished admiring this view)
(Perhaps you will keep me company)
(And watch the trickle of water flow forever)


><

Sehun was busy preparing his cookie batter, when his phone went off. It surprised him, because nobody would send him a message in the middle of the night. Sehun quickly glanced at the clock hanging on the wall – 1:07AM. Sehun sighed before picking up his phone, half expecting some stupid advertisement message.

Lu Han: What are you baking tonight?

Sehun blinked his eyes in surprise. He did not expect Lu Han would really send him a message. Shortly after their dinner together, Lu Han had asked Sehun for his phone number, reasoning it was unacceptable to not have his housemate’s number. Sehun had found it a reasonable enough request and had given Lu Han his number. Lu Han had made sure Sehun added his phone number too, and even went as far as sending himself a friend request from Sehun’s phone on KakaoTalk. To receive a message at midnight was beyond Sehun’s expectations.

“How does he know…” Sehun muttered to himself, fingers already busily typing back a reply.

Sehun: How do you know I’m baking tonight?
Sehun: Also, where are you? It’s already midnight.

The ‘1’ disappeared within a few seconds, but it took awhile before Lu Han replied.

Lu Han: I told you I work as a radio DJ.
Lu Han: I’m on air right now. Give it a listen.
Lu Han: Here, download this.

Sehun watched how an invitation popped up, asking Sehun to download the MBC FM4U application. For a moment, Sehun hesitated. He had never listened to the radio before. Listening to the radio just was not his kind of thing, for all sorts of reasons. However, sleep was not going to come anytime soon, and Sehun might as well see what Lu Han had to offer. If it was bad, he could always just delete the application and pretend he never listened to it.

The application downloaded fairly quickly, and Sehun wasted no time opening the application. He sighed when he saw he had to make an account, something he disliked to do so much. He loved keeping himself anonymous, and he liked it even better when he did not have to come up with fake names and difficult passwords he could not remember.

Lu Han: Go to Goodnight radio. .
Sehun: I’m still making an account.
Lu Han: Ugh, you’re so slow.

Sehun’s eyes widened at the message, feeling terribly offended. He was not slow at all.

Sehun: If you could just keep quiet for a minute.
Sehun: Then I might be able to successfully make an account.

He was finally able to make an account, when another message popped up.

Lu Han: Goodnight radio.
Lu Han: Now.

It took awhile, but Sehun eventually found the Goodnight radio stream. He put his phone on loudspeaker mode and sat down on the counter chair, patiently waiting for the song to end. It was obviously a boy group singing, the mixture of voices giving away there were probably too many youngsters dumped into one group. The sound was repetitive, and the only charm Sehun could find was catchiness. A kind of catchiness all pop music possessed these days and therefore made it nothing special anymore. Did youngsters really listen to this kind of music nowadays?

“That was EXO’s Love Me Right. They’re insanely popular right now, which is probably because of the upbeat and refreshing music they bring out. Their performances mirror their strong passion very well. Talking about passion, I assume most of the listeners are people who are working very hard right now. You might be trying to finish all your homework, study for your exams, finish a paper, work on a project, fighting to meet a deadline. It might seem like everyone’s different, but aren’t you all working hard with a kind of energy that comes from deep inside of you? You could be giving up, but you aren’t. And that means something.”

Sehun glanced at his cookie batter that was lying sadly on the kitchen counter, smiling sadly at himself. Not everyone stayed up because of passion.

“And there are also those who try to bury themselves into something, because it’s the only way they don’t feel anything they’re afraid of. It might not seem like passion to some, but it seems like passion to me. Because passion is an emotion so strong that it takes your breath away. It can be good and it can be bad. Some people feel a burning passion that keeps them going. Others feel a furious passion that prevents them from moving.”

His fingers were trembling as they reached for his phone, so desperate to close the application. He did not want to hear any more. He was afraid of what might come next. He wanted to protect himself, save himself and he had a hunch Lu Han knew exactly how to climb those walls he had put so much effort into building. And that frightened him terribly.

“Either way, it’s not something you can deny.”

Sehun did not hear the introduction to the next song. Sehun did not hear any word Lu Han spoke afterwards. There was the lump again that was growing in his throat, making it so difficult for him to breathe. It was painful and Sehun would do anything to make it stop. It hurt and Sehun was not ready for the hurt. Sehun was not ready yet for the pain.

And maybe Lu Han knew that all along.

I don’t mind it
I don’t mind it at all
It’s like you’re the swing set and I’m the kid that falls
It’s like the way we fight, the times I’ve cried, we come to blows
And every night the passion’s there so it’s gotta be right, right?

No, I don’t believe you
When you say don’t come around here no more
I won’t remind you
You said we wouldn’t be apart
No, I don’t believe you
When you say you don’t need me anymore
So don’t pretend
To not love me at all


><

Sehun stood in front of the huge building, taking occasional anxious glances at his watch. He had been waiting for almost an hour. He was certain Baekhyun always left work around this time, but deep inside he was afraid he might have missed Baekhyun. He really needed to see Baekhyun. He really needed to speak to Baekhyun. Sehun was certain everything could return to how it was before, as long as he could speak to Baekhyun.

Baekhyun just needed to give Sehun a shot at second chances.

His gaze darted from one point to another, his teeth digging deeply into his lower lip. He wished so badly-

His gaze landed on someone who looked an awfully lot like Baekhyun.

“B-Baekhyun…” Sehun watched this person intently, hoping it was indeed Baekhyun.

Standing a few meters away from him, with his head down and cap on, was indeed Baekhyun.

Sehun wasted no time and sprinted his way to the other. He had wanted to see Baekhyun so badly. He needed Baekhyun in his life so badly. And now that he had finally found Baekhyun, there was no way he would let the other escape before hearing him out. Everything that Sehun had kept safely inside of him wanted to come out so badly.

“Baekhyun!” Sehun screamed, his hand holding onto the other’s wrist tightly.

Baekhyun turned to look at the other, eyes widening in shock at the sight, “S-Sehun, what-”

Sehun hugged the other male tightly, desperately wanting to keep the other by his side, “I’ve missed you so much… Baekhyun, I-”

But Baekhyun pushed him away like he was a disease, hurting Sehun beyond repair, “Please don’t be like this, Sehun, we already broke-”

“I know you love me! I know you still do! So don’t say something as cruel as breaking up!” Sehun screamed, already unable to control himself anymore, “Eight years, Baekhyun. Eight years! We’ve been together for eight years! We’ve been in love with each other for so long! Don’t pretend like it was nothing-”

“It’s just a number, Oh Sehun!” Baekhyun yelled back.

Sehun felt like he was being brutally and mercilessly killed as he stared into Baekhyun’s strong and unforgiving glare. It was such a bitter feeling to realize how those eyes used to look at him with tender love.

It was such a bitter realization that at one point, they had been lovers, and now they were nothing at all.

“W-What…? A number? We promised we would stay with each other for a lifetime! Is that just a number too?” Sehun felt something burning his eyes and blurring his vision, “Is everything we’ve been through just a number too? We’ve become such a big part in each other’s lives! I still need you as badly in my life as eight years ago! And I’m sure you can’t forget about all the memories we shared either!”

“Sehun, you don’t understand…” Baekhyun looked away, “You don’t understand what you did to me…”

“What are you talking about?” Sehun exclaimed, the anger rushing through his veins and making his mind drunk, “When have I ever mistreated you? I’ve done everything I could to make you happy! I’ve treated you like the love of my life! I-”

“You’ve turned me into a habit!” Baekhyun cried out loudly, the tears streaming down his reddening face, “Oh Sehun, you turned me into a habit! You’ve turned me into a habit I couldn’t bring myself up to be for a lifetime!”

Sehun did not understand what Baekhyun could possibly mean, because Sehun had never treated Baekhyun like that. It was ridiculous. Baekhyun should not make things up-

“You think I’m making things up, don’t you?” Baekhyun grinned sadly, the pain clearly written in every pore of his face, “It’s just because you don’t want to see it, Sehun. You think you know yourself very well, but sometimes you just refuse to look. Sometimes you refuse to look around and see things in other people’s perspectives.”

Sehun wanted to scream that he had always been looking at things from Baekhyun’s perspective. He made sure everything was just the way Baekhyun liked it. He made sure breakfast was ready before Baekhyun woke up and went to work. He made sure to choose comedies when they went to watch a movie at the cinema, because Baekhyun did not like movies that were too serious or horrifying. He made sure to plan everything just the way Baekhyun loved it.

“I don’t understand what you’re saying…” Sehun laughed bitterly at this, eyes glaring at the other, “I’ve been working so hard to make you happy, worked so hard just so everything is the way you like it, and you’re saying I’m only thinking about myself?”

“You’re not listening, Sehun-” Baekhyun tried to reason, but Sehun cut him off relentlessly.

“You’re not making any sense!” Sehun held onto Baekhyun’s shoulders with a deadly strong grip, the anger inside of him boiling like magma, “When have I ever thought only about myself?! Don’t you see everything I’ve done for you?! Even when I didn’t sleep for days, I would still put you on top of my priority list! I would still fight lions for you! Did you ever even love m-”

Baekhyun’s gaze hardened at this, “Don’t you dare to finish that sentence, Oh Sehun,” His voice was as cold as winter’s first rainstorm, “I swear, don’t you dare think I never loved you, because I loved you more than you loved me.”

How is that even possible, Sehun thought bitterly, when I loved you, still love you, so much I can’t even bear the thought of spending the rest of my life without you?

“Don’t lie to me, Byun Baekhyun,” Sehun pushed Baekhyun away of him, the mere touch already enough to make him feel sick in the stomach, “You know that’s not true...”

The slap on his face did not hurt as much as his heart hurt, because never in his life had Baekhyun hit him. Never in his life had he experienced such a cruel Baekhyun. To have been brutally hit by the one person you entrusted everything, was as painful as having your heart ripped out of your ribcage and thrown into fire.

“Sehun, stop tearing me into pieces.”

Sehun did not understand how Baekhyun could say that, when Baekhyun was the one who tore his heart into a million pieces.


><

I thought that I’d been hurt before
But no one’s ever left me quite this sore
Your words cut deeper than a knife
Now I need someone to breathe me back to life

Sehun was frowning like a child as he held his empty beer bottle upside down, angry at whoever person had stolen his beer. He needed more beer and he needed it immediately. The monster inside was already moving and trying to climb up again, and Sehun needed the alcohol to wash it down. Sehun needed the beer to keep him sane.

Tripping over myself
Aching, begging you to come help
And now that I’m without your kisses
I’ll be needing stitches

“Waiter, another beer!” Sehun yelled with flushed cheeks, swinging the beer bottle dangerously in the air, “Quick…!”

Sehun leaned his head against the table as he pulled out his cell phone. It took some time before he was able to unlock his phone, the messy coordination of his fingers to blame. Sehun gulped down hardly before he went to his photo gallery, his eyes glued to the screen as he looked at all the pictures he had taken with Baekhyun. Every single picture was a story of happiness Sehun thought would last. But it did not. The pain made him slam his phone on the table and scream in agony. Fingers turned into fists that were in desperate need to hit something, anything.

Needle and the thread
Gotta get you out of my head
Needle and the threat
Gonna wind up dead

His phone went off at the worst times.

For a moment, Sehun decided that he would let nothing bother him tonight. It did not matter who it was, he was not going to look and he was not going to answer. To hell with everything. Unfortunately, this person was persistent and sending him way too many messages, irking him in the worst way possible. It was annoying and painful to his ears.

Sehun laughed hollowly at the message.

Lu Han: Where are you?
Lu Han: It’s already 3 in the MORNING.
Lu Han: You alive?

Sehun was not certain whether he was alive, but he found it ridiculous someone who barely knew him was concerned about him. Absolutely ridiculous. Lu Han and he were practically strangers living under the same roof. Lu Han would not understand what he was going through. The concern was pretentious and ugly and made him want to throw up.

Lu Han: Don’t ignore me.
Lu Han: What, you finally lost it?
Lu Han sent an audio file to you.

Sehun sighed in frustration, not in the mood to deal with Lu Han. However, it was taking too long for his beer to come, and the monster was climbing higher and higher. In the spur of a moment, Sehun pressed on the play-button and pressed his phone against his ear.

Even when I sing
Even when I walk the streets
I’m filled with thoughts of you

I wonder if you’re hurting like me
I wonder if you’re also crying like me
I wonder if you also spend all day like this
Living in memories, just like me

Sehun saw nothing but red as the audio file reached its end. Something had snapped inside of him, but he did not know what. All he knew was that Lu Han was messing with him. Lu Han was messing with him in the worst way possible, laughing at him and rubbing salt into his wounds. Lu Han was cornering him, making it hard for him to breathe. Sehun had enough of it.

So he called the other up.

“You bastard! ing bastard!” Sehun screamed into the phone the moment the other picked up, “Stop messing with me!”

“Are you alright?” Lu Han asked instead, making Sehun even angrier.

“What do you think?! You ing bastard, leave me alone! Don’t send me stupid songs! No, don’t let me hear another song! I’ll kill you if you do! I’ll really kill you if you do! I hate your ing songs! I hate you too!”

“You saw Baekhyun, didn’t you?” There was a hint of concern in Lu Han’s voice that caused Sehun to scoff.

“You’re all bastards! You’re all ing bastards! You know what? I don’t even need any of you! I’ll be just fine on my own!” Sehun gritted his teeth as the waiter brought him his beer, “Could you bring it any later?! I almost died waiting!”

The waiter glared at him rudely, but decided to turn around and leave instead of causing a scene. Sehun, however, wished the young man had possessed enough guts to start a fight. It would have made him feel better.

“Stupid coward can’t even speak up for himself…” Sehun laughed loudly, finding everything and everyone pathetic, “Bastard can’t even defend himself!”

“Oh Sehun,” Lu Han said with a stern voice, “you better tell me where you are right now, so I can come pick you up and drag you home.”

“Someone thinks he has the right to tell me what to do!” Sehun found everything so funny, laughed at everything so intensely there were tears in his eyes, “I don’t need your help!”

“You-”

Sehun ended the phone call with a nonchalant click, his screen turning black immediately. His hand clumsily reached out for the beer bottle on the table. He cursed under his breath when he almost knocked it down, hastily reaching out to hold onto it like his dear life depended on it. The liquid was thrown down his throat like water, the burning sensation it provided making Sehun feel good. It felt fantastic to feel something inside of him burn. It made him feel alive.

So alive he was finally able to fall asleep.


><

Sehun woke up to Lu Han murmuring while putting a hot wet towel on his forehead.

“Bastard, huh? You dare call me bastard?” Lu Han clicked his tongue before laughing at the remembrance of such offensiveness, “Oh Sehun, you’ve no clue how lucky you are. How dare you call me a ing bastard? For real? Is that how you call someone who carried you all the way home? You’re so lucky I’m a person who comes close to being a god, because otherwise I would’ve let you get beaten up by some real ing bastards. Don’t need my help, my .”

Lu Han continued his ranting, but even a drunk Sehun understood that Lu Han actually still cared. The way Lu Han’s fingers tenderly removed the hair sticking against his forehead and gingerly tugged Sehun’s blanket up was enough of a give-away. Lu Han was a not a bad person. And maybe that made Sehun even a bigger bad guy.

“No more songs, huh? You’ll kill me if I do, huh? Well, let me test that! Here, listen to this song and kill me right now! Huh!” Sehun watched through blurred vision how Lu Han held onto his phone, eyebrows knitted together as he looked for a song, “How dare you even think of killing someone as handsome as me?”

If Sehun had any strength left at that moment, he would have chuckled.

(Coffee, another cup)
(Thinking back to all of this)
(So many details)
(Your pout, for example, a smile’s departure)
(The world outside the window)
(Neon lights at the intersection)
(Brighten up this entire street)
(I quietly understand, how it feel to be without you)

“Sehun, don’t you like this song too?”

“Songs can color your world, Sehun!”

(Time, if reversed)
(Again, given a chance)
(How do I give a reason)
(Your one sentence, ‘I don’t love you anymore’)
(I thought it was solved)
(Empty perfume, dried roses)
(I’ve asked all night)
(Dull and careless, you say it’s too tiring to explain)

“It hurts, doesn’t it? The memories?” Lu Han took a deep breath, eyes looking at something that seemed so far away, “When everything is still fresh, even the softest wind hurts.”

Songs hurt because they reminded Sehun of Baekhyun. Songs hurt because Baekhyun used to paint his own life with songs too. And Sehun, fragile as he was, thought he would be able to continue living if it was a life without songs. Sehun was not ready to face the fact that Baekhyun was no longer in his life, and therefore he ran away. He ran away but at the same time he wanted it so badly. It was paradoxical and it was killing him. He wanted to wipe away all the memories on the walls but at the same time he wished so badly Baekhyun would burst into the apartment and pull him into an embrace. Sehun baked because he wanted to forget but at the same time baking reminded him of Baekhyun.

(Paper cranes, your gentle folds)
(Like Jazz, that natural happiness)
(Perhaps letting you go)
(Is just another way to love you)

“You’re a fool, Oh Sehun, a stupid fool. Baekhyun was right when he told me about you. You really are a fool. That’s why he asked me to look after you,” Lu Han sighed in defeat, “You’re both fools. You’re both stupid fools.”

(A thousand paper cranes, the story is still warm)
(Naturally, we start to sing)
(I walk past, the reed pipe softly plays)
(Our love ends here, your smile stops struggling)

Sehun smiled in his dream that night.