Goodbye, my ending

Sehun woke up with a bitter taste in his mouth. His head felt like it had been hit with a hammer while he was asleep, the dizziness pushing him down. He wanted so badly to continue sleeping, but he was certain he would throw up if he stayed in bed any longer. Sehun always felt like he had battled in a heroic war and drowned in seven seas whenever he woke up after drinking way too much alcohol. He felt like he had been drained from top to toe and all that was left were skin and bones. Dry skin and skinny bones.

His phone went off, the tone piercing right through his skull like little knives.

His breath hitched at the sight of the caller ID and a shiver went through his spine.

“G-Good morning… Father,” Sehun spoke carefully, his voice sounding terribly hoarse.

“How are you doing?” His father asked, his voice strong and clear-cut, “…You just woke up?”

“Y-Yes…” Sehun took a quick glance at his phone, cursing under his breath when he realized it was already afternoon, “N-No, I mean, I’ve already been up for-”

“I heard you took a temporary leave from work,” His father stated, and Sehun could just picture the disapproval painted on his father’s face, “Why?”

Sehun sat up immediately at this, the anxiety bursting inside of him like firework, “I just- I haven’t taken a break ever since I started working, so I thought-”

“Don’t rest for too long,” Was his father’s only concern towards him, “The patients need you. And you can’t afford wasting too much time. Right now’s your time to shine, do you understand?”

“I- But-” Sehun took a deep breath before replying, “I understand, dad. I’ll go back as soon as possible.”

“Good,” His father said, his voice a little bit warmer than before, “very well. Also, since you’re on a break right now, come visit us. Your mother misses you, and your brother just came back from Austria.”

Sehun smiled softly at this, the headache no longer unbearable, “He’s back?”

“For the time being,” His father sighed before continuing, “He loves to wander around.”

“It’s where his passion lies, father,” Sehun said, fondly yet sadly thinking back about all the stories his brother loved to tell him before sleeping.

“Some people feel a burning passion that keeps them going. Others feel a furious passion that prevents them from moving.”

Sehun tried to shake it off, but the monster he had desperately wanted to drown yesterday night was back again. It was slowly crawling its way up, leaving bloody footprints on Sehun’s veins as he moved. It was frightening and suffocating. It made it difficult for Sehun to breathe. It made Sehun want to vomit all his fears and ghosts.

“F-Father…’ Sehun gulped down the lump growing inside his throat, “I n-need to go. I’ll speak to you soon…”

“Alright,” His father said gently.

Sehun immediately ended the conversation, his breathing starting to turn erratic and painful. His shaking hands held onto his phone tightly, the pounding headache becoming more and more deadly. He needed something, something that could save him-

Sehun threw away the blanket and hastily ran out of his room. He walked into doors and walls, bruised himself against corners and ends, but he kept on going. He needed to start baking again. He needed to keep his mind off things again. He needed to escape this. He needed to chase the monster away. He needed to-

When love hurts, baby
Yeah, that’s how you know it’s real
When love hurts, yeah that’s how you know it
Yeah that’s how you know it’s real

Lu Han was singing along to a song he was playing on his laptop, jamming with every word that was being sung. He danced like he had nothing to fear. He jumped around like the world was his to conquer. And it left Sehun feel even more pathetic and pitiful, because he was feeling so chained down. Sehun could not fly even if he wanted to, because his wings had been ripped off a very long time ago.

“You and your ing songs…” Sehun mumbled angrily, hands turning into fists.

Lu Han seemed to have noticed Sehun’s presence, because he turned to look at him with a bright smile, “Good afternoon! Did you have a good sleep-”

“You and your ing songs!” Sehun yelled before storming right into Lu Han’s direction, eyes spiked with fire, “Stop the damn song! I’m telling you, stop the damn song right now, bastard!”

Those signs went through me like a freight train
You’re getting off testing my patience ‘til it’s gone
But then again, I do the same thing
And neither one will ever say we’ve had enough

“Did you just call me bastard?” Lu Han blinked his eyes a few times before he gritted his teeth, “Again?”

When love hurts, baby
Yeah, that’s how you-

“ing songs,” Sehun cursed as he slammed down the screen with more force than the laptop could possibly handle.

“Yah! Oh Sehun!” Lu Han pushed Sehun away from his laptop, seriously pissed off this time, “There’s a limit to being a selfish brat, you know?!”

“Look who’s talking?!” Sehun yelled back, “You’re the one who’s messing with me! You’re the one playing these stupid songs like they’re words of wisdom! I’m telling you, I don’t need them! They’re trash, I tell you, trash!”

“How dare you speak like that to someone who’s only trying to help you-”

“You’re not helping!” Sehun slammed his fist down on the table, causing Lu Han to startle in shock, “You’re just trying to bring me down! You’re just trying to kill me!”

“Are you even listening to yourself?!” Lu Han screamed back, finger pointing angrily at Sehun, “You don’t even know how everyone and everything bends to please you! You keep on denying reality, but it’s not getting you anywhere! You’re just walking in circles!”

Sehun did not want to turn into something as pathetic as this. Sehun really wanted to be a bright and strong person. He did not know when he turned into this mess. And nobody seemed to understand him. Nobody seemed to see what was going on in Sehun’s head. Nobody seemed to understand that Sehun was hurting so badly. Sehun was trying so hard to stay calm, but why did everyone want him crazy? Why did everyone want to see him break into pieces so badly? What had he ever done to anyone that everyone wanted him mad?

“I’ve done everything I could! I put myself last and everyone else first! I made sure to make everyone happy! So why the hell is everyone making things so hard for me?!” Sehun did not care anymore, the tears could roll down as fast as they pleased, “I’ve worked so hard, you know…? I’ve really done everything I could… I did my best loving Baekhyun… I gave him everything… I really did love him the best I could! I did my best pleasing everyone! I was so afraid I would do the wrong thing, so I always put everyone else first! I never ever thought of my own happiness first! So why the hell is it still wrong?! Tell me, why the hell am I still the bad guy…?” Sehun buried his face in his hands, his body destructively crashing down against the wall, “Why the am I always the bad guy…?”

Sehun never harmed anyone. He always made sure things went perfectly well. People could depend on him. People could trust him. People did not need to worry about him. All he ever asked in return was some love. All Sehun ever wanted was some care. He worked until he was sweating blood in order to make everyone happy. So why were people still blaming him? Why the hell was he still the person to blame? He did not ask for much. He was not selfish.

Everyone else was selfish, not Sehun.

“Sehun, one day,” Lu Han crouched down so he was on the same eye level as Sehun, his eyes no longer hostile, “you’ll understand.”

“I didn’t do anything wrong…” Sehun cried through bitter tears.

Lu Han smiled sadly at this, “No, you didn’t, but sadly everyone else didn’t do anything wrong either.”

“Then whose fault is it…?” Was the only question Sehun had in mind.

There was a sigh and a hand gently ruffling his hair, “Nobody’s.”

Lu Han’s phone went off, his ringtone enveloping the both of them. Sehun was grateful Lu Han did not pick it up, because the way Lu Han’s fingers ran through his hair was soothing. The monster was finally gone again and the lump was no longer stuck in his throat. A life’s worth of tears were rolling down his cheeks as he sat on the ground, with every tear dropping down on the ground making him feel fuller. The crying made him feel numb, but the hotness made him feel alive.

Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down

Oh I’ll never know what makes this man
With all the love that his heart can stand
Dream of ways to throw it all away

He finally felt like he was alive again.

Oh gravity, stay the hell away from me
Oh gravity has taken better men than me


><

“Sehun, I’m back,” His brother said over the phone, “I miss you, my little brother.”

Sehun glanced out of the window, the phone pressed against his ear, “I’ve missed you too.”

“How are you doing, Sehun?” His brother asked, causing a lump to grow in Sehun’s throat.

“I’m…” Sehun glanced down at his desk, glaring at the letters the hospital had been sending him, “I’m okay.”

“Is that so? That’s good to hear then.”

No, it’s not good to hear. It’s not good to hear at all. I’m breaking and falling apart. I’m losing myself. I can’t go back to work, I can’t concentrate, I make the smallest mistakes even amateurs wouldn’t. I’m a fool who can’t seem to move on, stubbornly standing still on an intersection and blocking everyone else’s way. I’m not okay and nobody seems to care. Nobody seems to ing care how I’m feeling. They just look right through me, Sehun chuckled at the bitter thought.

“Sehun…” There was too much innocence and too little compassion in the older male’s voice as he said, “Move on.”

off.

“Yeah…” Sehun empty hand turned into a tight fist, “Yeah…”

Sehun threw his phone on his bed the moment he ended the conversation. It was simply too much to take in. It was too much to hear those empty words from someone who had it all. It was too much to hear a person say things would get better when that person had never felt this lost. His brother… His brother had left everything behind, all freedom and restrictions, to become part of Greenpeace. His brother chased after his goal like it was the girl of his dreams. His brother, young and wild, never stood still. His world never stopped growing bigger and bigger.

Sehun’s world… Sehun’s world had always stayed the same. It had always been Seoul. It had been Seoul since he was born. It had been Seoul when he learned his first words. It had been Seoul when he had his first kiss. It had been Seoul when he lost the first piece of his soul. It had been Seoul when he fought for desire to become a doctor. It had been Seoul when he graduated university. It had been Seoul when he moved in with his lover. It had been Seoul when he got his heart broken.

It had always been ing Seoul.

That was just the kind of small world someone like Sehun would ever fit in.

A notification sound caused Sehun to groan. It was the last thing he could use right now. It was the last thing he could cope with right now. Yet he sighed deeply before grabbing his phone, mindlessly pressing some buttons before he ended up at the correct chat room. He was simply too weak.

Lu Han: You alright?

Sehun chuckled sadly.

Sehun: As alright as a clown without balloons.
Lu Han: You scare the hell out of me sometimes.

His fingers were already typing a reply, when he received another message from Lu Han.

Lu Han: I’m on right now.

Sehun read the message slowly, carefully. He even read the sentence backwards. All so he could keep his mind off the important things. All so he could drown himself a little bit longer. A little bit longer. Just a little bit longer. He just needed to feel like he was trash a little bit longer.

Until Lu Han would slap him in the face, waking him up from this bad dream.

“-so adults hide their feelings. They hide their happiness and their unhappiness, and they all have their own reasons to do so. They have their own valid reasons, because the world is constantly telling you how to feel certain emotions and how to be certain people. However, the fact is you can’t force yourself like that. The world wants you to be okay all the time, but sometimes you’re just not okay. Sometimes, you’ll feel sad, pained, betrayed, angry, lost, empty, lonely, you name it. You feel a lot of bad things, and there’s no way you can be okay. Yet the world wants you to move on again, smile again, live on again, be strong again. The world wants you to be okay. The world wants you to feel better by putting band-aids on bullet holes.”

It’s just like a wind blowing past you
Anyone goes through such a thing at least one
Just shrug it off and get up now
That’s nothing

Sehun closed his eyes and let the words sink in.

“The fact is, all you want to do is stand still. All you want to do is cry, throw things, fall down on your knees and scream until your lungs bleed. All you want to do is to feel what you’re feeling. All you want to do is be honest with yourself for once. All you want to do is to stop thinking and to start feeling. All you want is to not feel okay, to not be okay. And that’s okay, you know.”

I fell down again
Leave me alone
Don’t say anything
I’m tired now

“It’s okay to not be okay. Don’t force yourself to be okay.”


><

The whole world seemed to leave him behind as he lied on his bed, the midnight moonlight knocking on his window alluringly. Somehow it made him feel lonely, and somehow it made him feel like being alone was perfectly fine. And somehow it urged him to pick up his phone and call, because there was still this unbearable urge to speak and scream. There was still this intense longing that left him empty. And this emptiness, this ugly emptiness, made him wonder just why exactly he had jumped into heaven and hell just so he would end up on his own in a cold bed with nobody to talk to. It made him wonder why, in the end, he sacrificed so much just so he would end up on his own.

His phone went off, making his eyes turn just a little less lifeless.

Lu Han: Hey, want to go eat some dukbokki?
Sehun: It’s midnight…
Lu Han: I just got off work, you rascal.
Lu Han: Come on, let’s go to the shop around the corner.
Lu Han: You lazy .
Sehun: I’m trying to sleep…
Lu Han: And it’s clearly not working.
Lu Han: So see you in a half hour.

Not asking for any reply. Not giving the other any chances to speak. That was just how Lu Han was, Sehun thought as he eyed his phone screen with disbelief. He did not know whether this was shameful or brave, but one thing was for sure. Sehun and Lu Han were not the same kind of people. Lu Han was impulsive, Sehun was cautious. Lu Han was spring and Sehun was winter. Lu Han was a ray of sunlight and Sehun was the dew on the grass.

Lu Han sent an audio file to you.

Sehun’s finger hovered over the play-button for a moment, heart still deciding whether or not to listen to it. By now Sehun already knew that it would be another song, another knife, another merciless bullet right through his chest. By now Sehun already knew that Lu Han’s kind of heartbreak therapy consisted of violence and force. It was painful, devastating. It ripped his heart into pieces. Yet, maybe that was also what Sehun needed the most right now. Maybe the pain and the hurt was what he needed the most right now.

A storm, a killing, a way to get reborn.

All I hear is raindrops
Falling on the rooftop
Oh baby tell me why’d you have to go
Cause this pain I feel
It won’t go away
And today
I’m officially missing you

Sehun hated Baekhyun for breaking up with him out of nowhere. Sehun hated Baekhyun for simply walking out of Sehun’s life, like everything they shared meant nothing at all. Sehun hated Baekhyun for saying that Sehun did not love him enough, turned him into a habit, because Sehun loved him dearly. If not, Sehun would not be feeling this terrible. If not, Sehun would not be thinking about Baekhyun every day. If not, Sehun would not be unable to function anymore, too messed up and apathetic to care about his life any longer.

Sehun hated Baekhyun, because Baekhyun had made him fall in love so relentlessly, so irrevocably, and yet did not take responsibility for his actions. Sehun hated Baekhyun, but more importantly, Sehun missed Baekhyun. He missed Baekhyun so much he saw Baekhyun in others.

He even saw Baekhyun in Lu Han.


><

“Split the egg yolks from the egg whites, and use the egg yolks for the cake,” Lu Han stated before throwing another potato chip into his mouth, “Do your job well, no egg yolk in the egg white.”

“It’s very unnerving to be told what to do by someone like you,” Sehun said, but nevertheless doing what he was told, “Especially when you don’t even say anything useful.”

Lu Han frowned, his greasy hair sticking unattractively onto his forehead and soccer shirt desperately wishing for a good wash, “You were the one who asked for my advice, and I, being such a generous person, am graciously granting you what you want.”

Sehun sighed in defeat, “I know, but I’m just regretting… A little bit.”

It was probably something Sehun should not have done, but asking Lu Han to help him had sounded perfectly right. Sehun had believed Lu Han would be able to help him with his Baked Alaska, so the day he could present a perfectly made Baked Alaska would arrive soon. It had taken him too long already and time was not something he had plenty of. So that was why he had put down his pride and had asked Lu Han for his help, hoping the other would be able to find the mistakes he oversaw.

There was a grin on Lu Han’s lips, “If you want me to be more helpful, you could provide me a little more incentives,” Sehun eyed him suspiciously, already feeling uneasy, “Like, I could really use a new laptop because someone so heartlessly broke my darling.”

Sehun widened his eyes in disbelief, “What darling? Don’t act so dramatic! I’m not going to buy you a new laptop!”

“I would like a MacBook,” Lu Han continued, completely ignoring Sehun’s protest, “the newest one. Don’t you dare give me something ancient-”

“Your laptop is a Windows XP Samsung and I saw you using it just this morning,” Sehun said, his voice accusing.

“I heard no experience is as great as a MacBook,” Lu Han chirped, the way he was munching on potato chips and talking simultaneously a complete waste of his pretty face, “If you want my advice, you better pay me well.”

There was no way Sehun would buy Lu Han a MacBook. He had treated Lu Han to a very royal homemade dinner, Chinese style, which was more than enough of an incentive. He had bought the best fresh beef on the market and chopped the meat so fine even professionals cooks would step aside in shame. There was no way, no way in hell that Sehun was going to buy Lu Han a MacBook-

“Baked Alaska, Sehun! I want you to make me a Baked Alaska!” Baekhyun said gleefully.

Sehun smiled warmly at the sight of an excited Baekhyun, “Alright, I’ll promise to make you a Baked Alaska on your birthday.”

“It’s a promise, Oh Sehun!”

A lump grew in his throat, preventing him from saying anything his mind really wanted his mouth to form.

Instead, all that came out was a defeated sigh, “Fine.”

Lu Han, however, was shocked to have won so easily, “W-What, really?”

Sehun did not look up from his batter as he said, “…Yes.”

“Why?” Lu Han asked, not understanding why Sehun would go this far just to receive some advice, “I was just joking, you know… Why would you go this far just to get my advice? Is this dessert that important to you?”

The question made Sehun’s hands stop working for a moment, but he still refused to look up, “It’s something I need to do,” Sehun looked away when Lu Han’s stare became too burdensome, “You wouldn’t understand.”

Lu Han shook his head while wearing an understanding smile, “I just never thought it could be this important to you.”

Sehun felt like Lu Han could see right through him, and it made him feel so vulnerable, “W-What? What do you-”

“You’re really stupid, you know that?” Lu Han said with a grin, but the voice did not sound mean or condescending at all.

Sehun frowned unhappily at this, “I’m not-”

“You’re very, very stupid,” There was bright admiration shining in Lu Han’s eyes as he spoke, “but I think that’s what makes you so attractive. Sometimes I wonder if you realize just what you do to others… What you do to yourself.”

“You think I’m making things up, don’t you? It’s just because you don’t want to see it, Sehun. You think you know yourself very well, but sometimes you just refuse to look. Sometimes you refuse to look around and see things in other people’s perspectives.”

“Oh Sehun, you turned me into a habit! You’ve turned me into a habit I couldn’t bring myself up to be for a lifetime!”

Sehun was not supposed to feel this pathetic and worthless. Sehun was not supposed to drown in such misery. Yet, as he remembered Baekhyun’s crying face a few days ago, his heart clenched in pain. It clenched so tightly Sehun thought he would be better off gone. Sehun would be better off gone because then he would not feel so horrible. He would not feel like everything he did was as meaningless as a madman’s gibberish.

Lu Han smiled gently as he patted Sehun’s head, the grease on his fingers smelling like fried potatoes, “You’re strong, Oh Sehun.”

Sehun wanted to coldly laugh at the words, because he was anything but strong. Sehun was not strong at all. If he was, he would be able to keep the water from slowly filling the room, getting higher and higher. If he was, he would be able to stop the sadness from slowly eating him up alive.

“Hey, finish this bag of chips for me,” Lu Han said as he gracelessly jumped off the counter chair, the landing painfully loud on Sehun’s parquet floors, “I don’t want it anymore.”

The water that filled the room almost reached Sehun’s head, almost taking his breath, “Finish your snacks on your own... I don’t understand you. You never finish your food… Or anything.”

Funnily enough, the water slowly lowered as another thought filled his head. Funnily enough, he did not feel like he was being strangled as another thought crossed his mind. Things came and went so easily. One moment Sehun was feeling depressive and the next moment Sehun was feeling alert. That was just how Sehun’s feelings went these days. It was a rollercoaster ride, and Lu Han loved taking Sehun to the highest tops.

It had never occurred to Sehun how Lu Han always seemed to stop the songs before they reached the end note. He only realized it now that he looked back at the times Lu Han played a song, whatever language or genre. He would always listen to it, fall into a world only those who appreciated music could, but always jump out before it was over.

Like he was afraid the ending would kill.

Lu Han’s gaze grew distant at this, and something about the way he smiled irked Sehun, “What are you talking about? I’m just full and you know that potato chips get soft very quick once the bag is opened. And I’m just a really impatient person,” A kind of laughter Sehun never heard before filled the kitchen, “You’re overthinking things.”

“I like fresh starts.”

“I-Is that so?” Sehun eyed Lu Han intently, wondering whether he would cross any lines if he continued his probing.

“Twenty minutes,” Lu Han said all of a sudden, a cheeky smile plastered on his face like nothing had happened, “Put the cake in the preheated oven for twenty minutes. You have it preheated on 350 degrees already, right?”

Sehun merely nodded his head, but he did not move at all. He watched Lu Han shake his head and put the batter into a greased baking pan. And it was strange. It was really strange, because there was something in the way Lu Han worked with utmost concentration that was kind of beautiful. There was something in the way Lu Han eyed the cake in the oven like a little child that tugged at Sehun’s heartstrings. There was a side of Lu Han that shone brighter than any star in the night sky.

But there was also a side of Lu Han that was darker than Sehun’s worst drown.

“Let’s put on some music,” Lu Han spoke out, his voice cutting into the silence.

(How long have I been on my own?)
(Why does it still hurt?)
(It feels like the world is laughing at me)
(I am not proud, I am vulnerable)
(You are the one who brings me down)

“Stop putting up music I can’t understand…” Sehun said with a sigh, although he still hung onto every single note, trying to figure out why Lu Han had chosen the song, “Do you even listen to Korean songs?”

“Hey, I sent you a Korean song the previous time,” Lu Han argued back, before grinning, “and it’s funny seeing you try so hard to understand.”

Sehun frowned in annoyance, “You find joy in other people’s misery?”

Lu Han laughed out loud, “I just like teasing you.”

(You love me the most, don’t you?)
(Why can’t we hold it until the end?)
(Why don’t you dare? Why must we miss it?)
(The night is young, dream on, dream on)
(You better not think about me)
(When the time is right, don’t tell me you’re wrong)

“What’s the song about?” Sehun asked after a short moment.

“About you,” Lu Han merely answered, eyes giving nothing away, “The song’s about you, bad guy Oh Sehun,” A chuckle filled the room, “Strong Oh Sehun.”


><

“You bought a hamster,” Sehun said with scrutinized eyes, unable to believe Lu Han had brought a pet home like it was grocery.

Lu Han nodded his head while holding up the cage cheerfully, “I saw him on my way home and he just looked like the cutest thing ever. I needed to take him home with me!”

Sehun sighed as he put down his apron so he could take the cage into his own hands, “Do you even know how to take care of it?”

Lu Han shrugged his shoulders like an arrogant kid who thought everything in this world was a piece of cake, “It can’t be that difficult,” Stars filled his eyes, “I’m calling him Ham.”

All of a sudden, the burden of responsibility felt too much for Sehun, and he quickly handed Lu Han the cage back, “I’m not going to help you. And you’re not letting him anywhere near the kitchen. The kitchen is off limits, understand?”

“Will you please stop being so overprotective of your damn kitchen?” Lu Han scoffed before smiling amusedly, “You’ll have a buddy to talk to while you’re baking at night. I know how much you miss me when I’m at work.”

“Don’t say crazy things,” Sehun eyed the small animal in the cage with carefulness, not certain whether he liked the new addition to the apartment or not, “and get ready for dinner.”

It had become a habit. The first few times there were still hesitation and polite asking, but now it had become a routine. Sehun would cook dinner for the both of them and Lu Han would eat for the two of them. It made Sehun realize that he had forgotten how enjoyable cooking could be when you had someone to eat your dishes with. All of a sudden the dishes looked so much more delicious, so much more tasteful. And he liked how Lu Han would comment on his cooking thoroughly. Lu Han was straightforward, told him what was done splendidly and what was done unfortunately. It felt so much more useful and relieving than polite comments that his cooking was flawless.

With Lu Han, he felt like there was honesty.

“What’s on the menu today, chef?” Lu Han asked with gleaming eyes.

Sehun pointed at the chicken in the oven, “Roasted chicken.”

Only food seemed to be able to fully make Lu Han’s eyes shine like stars, “You’re a genius, you know that?”

There was no answer that seemed to fit as a reply, so Sehun simply smiled awkwardly, gesturing for Lu Han to get ready. Sehun watched as the other looked through the cage, a bright smile dancing on his lips as he spoke nonsense to the poor animal. Something about it was surprisingly endearing. Something about it made him forget about the Lu Han who loved to eat potato chips in a very unmannerly way, screamed like a madman whenever he was watching soccer matches and slept on the couch with his mouth wide open. Something about the way Lu Han played with the hamster made him feel lighter.

And lighter was his definition of happiness these days.


><

Sehun sighed as he put his phone down, the words of the conversation still ringing clearly in his ears. There was something exhausting about having to answer every single question his mother asked him with an adult calmness, when in reality his heart was feeling terribly heavy. His heart was feeling terribly heavy, because he was not sure whether he was able to move on yet.

“Son, when will you start working again? I heard from your father that you still haven’t returned to the hospital. Your brother’s worried about you too, you know. When will you come home? Are you alright, Sehun?”

Sehun had muttered the words I’m doing fine, mom with so much determination and faked peacefulness that even he almost fell for his own lie. Even Sehun almost believed he was really doing alright and not merely pretending to be a well-functioning male. It was tiresome, but it was what he had to do. Nobody had time for people who sulked and cried and drowned themselves in sadness. The thing with people is that they did not have time to deal with these kinds of ugly emotions. They did not have time for people who refused to move on. They simply did not have the time.

The world did not have time for those who begged for a second.

There was no motivation to bake, no motivation to stand up. There was no willingness to do anything. Sehun felt ugly, he really did, when he lay on his bed in the middle of the night, unable to sleep even though he was forcing himself to. He really did feel ugly at times like these, when people started to look at him with judging expressions, not understanding why he could not just move on already. Even Baekhyun had already moved on. Even Baekhyun had already left everything behind.

Baekhyun.

The name was enough to create that disgusting lump in his throat again, making it so hard for Sehun to breathe. It made him feel like he was locked up in a windowless room, the air slowly diminishing until nothing was left. All of a sudden his room felt so claustrophobic and everything felt so disastrous. All of a sudden his whole world seemed like a mess and Sehun did not know how to make things right again.

He stumbled out of his room, his hands itching to touch flour and eggs and sugar. He needed to bake and take his mind off things. He needed to stop thinking, or else he would go insane. And insanity was something that he forbade himself to ever become, even though he felt himself slipping.

Hello, it’s me
I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet
To go over everything
They say that time’s supposed to heal ya, but I ain’t done much healing

Sehun saw Lu Han sitting on the counter chair, body slumped down against the table. His head was resting peacefully on his folded arms. It seemed as though he was sleeping, with the computer screen illuminating his face with artificial light and making him seem older, more tired. Yet, there was something serene about the way he had his eyes closed, hair touching his eyelashes tenderly.

There’s such a difference between us
And a million miles

Hello from the other side
I must’ve called a thousand times
To tell you I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done
But when I call you never seem to be home

Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I’ve tried
To tell you I’m sorry for breaking your heart
But it don’t matter, it clearly doesn’t tear you apart
Anymore

Baekhyun always tried to convince Sehun that music could do things to people, touch people. Baekhyun always said that music was a way of communication. Music could transport a person’s soul, a person’s existence, to a place that only those who believed could enter. Music could make you feel so much you could cry. Music could touch you so deeply it could mend your soul.

“I’m sorry…” Lu Han murmured softly.

Sehun took small, hesitant steps towards the other male, making sure to be as soundless as possible. Maybe Lu Han was really sleeping, because nothing really seemed to touch him. Nothing really seemed to reach him. Even when Sehun sat down on the other counter chair and looked down at Lu Han’s face, Lu Han did not seem to notice Sehun’s presence. Even when Sehun smiled softly, eyes forming gentle and thankful crescent moons, Lu Han did not seem to see it.

“It’s funny…” Sehun carefully touched Lu Han’s cheek with his finger, “But the bad things don’t seem to get to me as frequent and intense as before…”

“Sorry…” Lu Han’s eyebrows knitted together in sorrow, “Love you…”

“It seems we’re going through the same thing…” Sehun spoke, surprised with the desperate words Lu Han managed to mutter.

Sehun turned around to look at the window, the sound of raindrops hitting the glass catching his attention. It was a sound that came close to his heart, because so many things happened on rainy days. So many memories that Sehun would carry with him for a life time happened on rainy days.

A proud smile appeared on Sehun’s lips as he looked back at Lu Han, his fingertip touching the space between his furrowed eyebrows. As if his touch possessed any kind of magic, Lu Han’s frown lost its strength.

“Maybe I’ll really be okay one day again.”


><

“I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong,” Sehun sighed as he put down his fork, unable to taste another piece of his dessert, “it’s too sweet. It’s not how Baek-” Sehun had to quickly swallow down the words, “It’s not how I want it to be.”

These days, nights were spent fighting wars in the kitchen. Sehun was desperate to make the Baked Alaska of his dream. The one he had promised to make. The one that haunted him whenever he was remembered of the person who had left him behind. The one he needed to make no matter what. It was as if he could not move on until he had make the Baked Alaska, fulfilled his promise. It was like Sehun was chained down by promises he once made, and all of a sudden the weight was too much to take. All the promises he made felt too heavy all of a sudden.

Lu Han tasted the baked Alaska before replying, “Yeah, I think it’s the raspberry sauce of the ice cream.”

“Can we lessen the amount of sugar?” There was a hint of exasperation in Sehun’s voice, “I… I need to perfect this dessert…”

“Don’t worry, you have me,” Lu Han spoke out confidently, eyeing the Baked Alaska with contemplation, “Maybe we can use a different recipe for the raspberry sauce.”

Sehun ruffled his hair in frustration, “Why can’t I do this… Why can’t I just get this damn dessert right… I need-”

“You’re going to drive yourself insane if you keep forcing yourself, Sehun-ah.”

The silence that followed was so thick one could even hear a needle fall. The silence that followed was so heavy Sehun thought he was going to die from lack of oxygen. There seemed to be a blanket of uncertainty draped over his head, preventing the air from getting into his system. It was something ugly and monstrous, but most of all frightening. It was frightening because it left him breathless.

“It’s okay to not be okay, you know?”

“You…” Sehun was not certain what he wanted to say, but he was so desperate to speak as the words echoed in his mind.

“Hey, let’s watch a movie,” Lu Han said with a grin.

“Movie?” Sehun blinked his eyes, “You want to watch a movie?”

It was unlike Lu Han to suggest a movie. It was unlike Lu Han, because Lu Han seemed to dislike movies. It was not an outspoken dislike, but it was as clear as day to Sehun that Lu Han avoided watching movies. Lu Han ran away from movies like Sehun ran away from songs. It was both a revelation and a surprise that Lu Han and he had much more in common than merely the same address.

“No, it takes too much time to watch a movie.”

“I don’t do comedy. I’m comedy myself.”

“I don’t like that actor.”

Sehun loved movies. Sehun loved movies because he loved stories. He loved going through a story and feeling something tugging at his heartstrings at the end of the movie. He loved stories and he loved endings. He always needed to know how the ending would be. He needed to know the ending of every story he started.

Unfinished stories were his biggest nightmare.

“But you don’t like movies,” Sehun stated.

Lu Han shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly, “It’s not like I’m allergic to movies. I just don’t particularly fancy them.”

“Because gods don’t watch movies,” There was a pinch of amusement in Sehun’s voice.

Lu Han had the dignity to look offended, “You heard me back then.”

“I didn’t want to, trust me,” Sehun smirked as he saw Lu Han slowly picking up a pillow, “You sounded like an old lady nagging about the children running in front of her house.”

“Oh Sehun!”

The pillow was thrown at him with an awfully lot of energy, but Sehun was able to catch it before it hit him right in the face. Sehun grinned widely as he saw the flash of shock and fear in Lu Han’s eyes. It was amusing.

These days, more and more things were becoming amusing again.

“Oh no,” Lu Han said as he saw the devilish excitement glistering in Sehun’s eyes, “don’t you dare to throw it at me…”

Sehun impulsively threw the pillow right at Lu Han’s face, bubbly laughter filling the room at the sight of an irritated Lu Han, “You have really bad reflexes for a god.”

Lu Han groaned before throwing himself on Sehun, the both of them ending up throwing pillows and flour at each other. Egg shells and raspberry sauce were shattered all over the place like the ugly remains of a masterpiece. It was messy, it was crazy, it was insane…

It was probably happiness.


><

“That was Zion.T’s Yanghwa BRDG. I’m sure it’s a song that hits home for many of us. It’s a beautiful song that makes a lot of people reminisce. However, it always makes me remember all the times I ran around like a madman for a taxi at 2AM.”

Sehun shook his head, a chuckle escaping his mouth as he continued listening to Lu Han’s voice on the radio.

“I think there’s something peaceful and reassuring about the night. At night, time seems to slow down. It gives you a change to take a break. There’s always so much going on during the day, but at night it’s time for the exhausted souls to take a break. A break from everything that drags you down. For me, the night is the only time when I can really be me. When time seems to stand still, that it when I feel like I can breathe.”

Sehun put down his piping bag, eyes watching the November rain knocking on his window.

“Maybe the night feels safe, because I’m surrounded by those who are the same as me.”

Sehun soaked up the view of skyscrapers and city lights. Something about the night always made his heart clench. Something about the night always made a lump grow in his throat. Something about the night made him feel sad. Maybe it was because of the black, maybe it was because of the monotone sound. Or maybe it was because of the loneliness.

Or maybe, just maybe, it was because of the waiting.

“Here’s a favorite of mine sung by one of my favorite singers, John Mayer. I know I keep throwing songs of him at you all, but his songs keep popping up in my head these days. So here’s Free Fallin’. I hope you enjoy it.”

It’s a long day living in Reseda
There’s a freeway runnin’ through the yard
I’m a bad boy ‘cause I don’t even miss her
I’m a bad boy for breaking her heart

And I’m free, free fallin’, fallin’
And I’m free, free fallin’, fallin’

Sehun’s phone went off while he was putting a tray of butter cookies into the oven. He quickly put it down before picking up his phone, a smile already unconsciously growing on his lips.

Lu Han: What’s on the midnight snack menu tonight?

All the vampires walkin’ through the valley
They move west down Ventura boulevard
And all the bad boys are standing in the shadows
And the good girls are home with broken hearts

Sehun let out a warm laughter before replying.

Sehun: Cookies, because someone said he’s been craving cookies these days.
Lu Han: You’re the best!

I wanna glide down over Mulholland
I wanna write her name in the sky
I wanna free fall out into nothin’
I’m gonna leave this world for a while


><

The doorbell rang while Sehun was busy preparing salmon and asparagus for tonight’s dinner. For a moment Sehun thought about ignoring it, thinking it was probably Lu Han who had forgotten his keys once again. It would be a good payback for forgetting to feed Ham again. These days, Ham seemed more like Sehun’s pet than Lu Han’s. Sehun was always the one to feed him, clean his cage, and even play with him.

He must have lost his mind.

However, the person on the other side of the door kept pressing on the button, causing the annoying ringing to infiltrate the whole apartment. Patience was not the problem, but the neighbors screaming profanities was. Sehun sighed as he took off his apron, already mentally preparing a good speech about forgetting keys and neglecting pets.

Sehun opened the door, expecting a grateful Lu Han, but instead finding a stranger.

“You-”

Sehun was not able to finish his sentence, because the other pushed his way into the living room of the apartment, frantic eyes looking around with hope. Hope that Sehun did not understand.

“Where is he?” The stranger asked, his voice low and raw.

Sehun’s eyes flickered in confusion, “W-Who are you talking about? I’m sorry, but I don’t know who you-”

“Lu Han,” The other male said, dropping the name like a bomb, “I’m looking for Lu Han.”

Lu Han? This person was panting and stressing because of Lu Han?

“I… Uh…” Sehun was not certain whether to be truthful or not, seeing how the other was so determined on finding Lu Han, “I don’t know-”

“I know he’s here,” The tall male wore a painfully sorrowful grin as his eyes landed on Ham, “This place is screaming his name,” He looked Sehun straight in the eyes, instantly making Sehun feel anxious, “Tell me, where is he?”

“W-Who…” Sehun fumbled with the hem of his shirt, “Who are you?”

A deep sigh came from the stranger, but he managed to stay composed, “Chanyeol. My name’s Chanyeol.”

Sehun looked at the other, pondering why such a handsome male would desperately search for Lu Han. He had slightly curly hair, a light grey woolen coat and skinny jeans that showcased his long legs. The watch wrapped around his wrist reflected light so purely it blinded Sehun’s vision. Something about him screamed passion and ambition. Something about him yelled golden promises and everlasting rainbows. Something about him screamed the need to possess.

“I-I see… Chanyeol, I’m not sure why you need to see Lu Han so badly,” Sehun took a deep, shaking breath before continuing, “but he’s not here.” Right now.

“I’ll wait for him,” Chanyeol said without hesitation, taking Sehun by surprise.

“What? W-Wait, Chanyeol, I-”

Chanyeol looked at him with an expressionless face, “What? This is also his place, right? As his visitor, I should have the right to stay here and wait for him.”

That shut Sehun down effectively, his lips turning into a firm line, “Suit yourself.”

Sehun threw the other an irritated glare before going back to the kitchen, grabbing the kitchen knife to continue cutting his vegetables. He could not concentrate on cooking though, with Chanyeol sitting silently on the couch. No matter how much Sehun disliked the male for just walking into the place and acting like he owned the world, he could not stand the silence. He would rather try talking than drown in avoidance.

“Sorry… Love you…”

“Who is Lu Han to you?” Sehun asked hesitantly.

For a moment, it seemed like Chanyeol would not reply. For a moment, it seemed like Chanyeol would stay apathetic and remain silent. He had all kinds of reasons to. However, Chanyeol’s mask was slowly cracking, pieces of sadness dropping down on the ground like glass. Something about the sight made him look pitiful, and made Sehun unable to stay angry at him.

“He’s…” Chanyeol groaned in agony, “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” Sehun did not understand how to make sense of that, “How could you not know? I mean-”

“I just don’t know, okay?!” Chanyeol screamed, “Is that so wrong?”

“No, no, there’s nothing wrong with that,” Sehun hastily said, “I-I’m sorry.”

Chanyeol shook his head tiredly before looking away, gaze casted downwards. Sehun watched him drown in misery, wondering what could have happened between Lu Han and Chanyeol. Could he be the person who kept Lu Han awake at night? Was he the reason for Lu Han’s apologies? Sehun wanted to know, wanted to ask, but no words seemed appropriate. Something about the way Chanyeol glanced at the front door made Sehun understand that this was personal, too personal, for an outsider to understand. Sehun was about to ignore the tense atmosphere in the air and continue cooking, when Chanyeol’s phone went off. The other male’s face hardened as he swiftly took out his phone out of his pocket.

Wiing wiing, goes the fruit fly
It flies far away as if it’s laughing at my sadness

Chanyeol cursed under his breath before answering the phone, “Yes?” There was a moment of silence as Chanyeol listened unhappily to the person talking, “I understand… I just- No, I know that… Alright, I’m coming right now.”

Sehun watched the other tap on his phone screen with angry fingers, eyebrows furrowed and lip pressed into a thin grim line. He looked troubled, but most of all annoyed. He looked annoyed at how everything was not falling into place, while he had been working so hard to make space. He looked lost at how the world was driving him insane.

“Please tell Lu Han that I’ve come,” Chanyeol said curtly, eyeing Sehun intently.

Sehun quickly nodded his head, “…Of course.”

He was gone before Sehun even understood what had happened.