Goodbye, my ending

I have a habit which is I can’t look up to see the evening sky any day
I hate the feeling as if the whole world is gonna leave me

Sehun understood something was wrong the moment Lu Han dragged him to a cinema. Sehun understood something was gravely wrong the moment Lu Han suggested to watch a movie, his voice quivering. Sehun did not know what had happened, but the moment Lu Han heard Chanyeol’s name, everything went downhill. It went downhill, but in steps, in crumble-like steps. Lu Han did not even try to keep himself together, and Sehun was left to contemplate whether to mend or bury the shattered pieces.

I laugh for loving something occasionally
I feel the happiness more occasionally
But you’re still deep inside of me

Chanyeol was not just another person to Lu Han. Chanyeol was that person to Lu Han.

“You sure?” Sehun asked hesitantly, hand resting on the other’s shoulder, “Listen, Lu Han, why don’t we-”

“I’ll go buy the tickets!” Lu Han burst out before rushing away.

Sehun sighed as he followed the other, worriedly watching Lu Han trip and stumble. Something was definitely wrong, but Sehun did not know whether waking Lu Han up would be the best thing to do right now. Sehun did not know whether he should drag Lu Han out of the cinema and out of a punishment the smaller male had forced himself to go through, or leave the other to pretend a little bit longer.

“Hey, Lu Han,” Sehun started as he took the bucket of popcorn Lu Han had absent-mindedly bought, “maybe we shouldn’t-”

“That way!” Lu Han interrupted.

Sehun never really took notice of it, but Lu Han interrupted him an awfully lot. Whenever Sehun started a sentence, Lu Han would cut in. It was as if Lu Han dreaded whatever Sehun had to say, and it was especially clear now that Lu Han was doing it. Even while they sat on their seats, popcorn bucket and drinks in their hands, Lu Han still could not stop interrupting Sehun.

“Lu Han, what’s-”

Lu Han started moving around in his seat, acting excited but Sehun knew better, “These seats are awfully uncomfortable, and is that gum? Well that’s part of the fun, I suppose. Hey, how long has it been since you’ve last been to a cinema?”

“Lu Han, I-”

The other male started to fill his mouth with popcorn, “Y-Yummy!”

“The popcorn is cold and dry-”

“Here!” Lu Han forced some popcorn into Sehun’s mouth, “It’s delicious!”

“Yah!” Sehun yelled as he stopped Lu Han from feeding him any more popcorn, fed up with this annoying act of avoidance, “Stop it! Stop interrupting me! Lu Han, stop it!”

It had not been Sehun’s intention to get mad at Lu Han, but there was just something Sehun could not overlook anymore. Lu Han was not like this. Lu Han was the kind of person who chased after rainbows and caught raindrops in empty beer bottles. Lu Han was the kind of person to dislike pretenses. Lu Han was the kind of person who did not force himself, to punish himself.

Lu Han was happiness, not this chaotic mess of interruptions.

“I…” Lu Han glanced down at the weight of curious glances, “I’m sorry…”

Sehun’s gaze softened at this, “No… No, you don’t need to be sorry,” Sehun sighed in frustration, not knowing what to do or say, “It’s-”

“I’m sorry,” Lu Han’s voice was as soft as a feather as he spoke.

The apology kept ringing in Sehun’s ears even when the movie started. The apology kept floating in his mind even when the minutes tried to drag it down. The apology kept Sehun alert and his gaze on Lu Han, who was watching the movie silently. Lu Han looked exactly like the normal Lu Han, but a lot more fragile and a lot more unstable. Lu Han looked exactly like the normal Lu Han, but it did not feel like the same Lu Han.

It felt like he was sitting next to the shell of the real Lu Han.

The movie was starting to get to its when something happened. Sehun did not notice it at first, but Lu Han’s lips started to tremble. By the time Sehun finally saw what was really happening, Lu Han was already breathing heavily, chest moving up and down like his lungs were in pain. His eyes were opened widely and his fingertips were digging into the material of the seat.

“Lu Han…” Sehun sounded alarmed as he carefully nudged Lu Han, “Lu Han, what-”

“I’m sorry…” Lu Han whispered, and Sehun’s eyes widened in shock as Lu Han started to hyperventilate, “I’m so sorry…”

“Oh my God, Lu Han,” Sehun’s heart beat as fast as lightning as he watched Lu Han starting to lose himself, “you…. What’s happening?! Are you having a panic attack?!”

Lu Han was already too lost to speak, his breath too heavy and labored to say a word. Sehun looked around anxiously, unsure of what to do, before he stood up and held onto Lu Han’s arm. The bucket dropped down on the ground, popcorn scattering all over the place like the remnants of an angry war. Spilled cola soaked them all like blood, the color dark and aggressive. It was a total mess, a sticky mess of anxiety and fright, but Sehun did not have the time to care. He needed to get Lu Han out of the place.

He needed to get Lu Han out of this hell.

Sehun tried to pull Lu Han through ignorant legs of those who did not appreciate someone disturbing the movie, not caring at all that someone was about to lose himself. Lu Han stumbled and tripped and fell, but Sehun did not give up. He half-carried, half-dragged Lu Han as he tried to reach the exit, occasionally giving Lu Han a concerned glance. Although Lu Han had difficulty breathing and was clearly sweating, he was still able to keep himself up.

Or at least Sehun thought, because as soon as Sehun opened the door, Lu Han dropped down on the ground, desperately gasping for air.

“Lu Han! Yah, Lu Han, don’t scare me like this!” Sehun hastily put Lu Han’s arm around his shoulder, Lu Han’s body seemingly weighting a hundred kilograms as gravity pulled at Lu Han’s body, “Come on, just calm down, okay?”

Sehun groaned in pain as he tried to pull Lu Han up, intently cursing at himself for his lack of fitness. His eyes looked around frantically, hoping to find someone who could help him. The hallway, though, was hauntingly empty. Sehun could not believe there was not a single person at this floor, right now, who could lend him some help. It felt like some sick game the Heaven wanted to play simply because they were bored and Sehun was a good prey. Sehun swallowed down the angry feeling of being disadvantaged and kept moving. He gritted his teeth as he carried Lu Han to a small bench, breath stopping whenever the weight got too much and his legs gave up temporary.

He watched how Lu Han sat next to him, his face turning furiously red. There were so many questions Sehun wanted to ask, so many answers Sehun wished Lu Han would give. However, Sehun understood that right now was not the right time. Whoever Chanyeol was, he was someone who triggered something unhealthily frightening inside of Lu Han. Whoever Chanyeol was, Lu Han had been avoiding him for a very big reason.

Sehun realized his hand had been moving on its own when it was just about to touch Lu Han’s head. It surprised him, because he had not thought of doing anything. He had not commanded his hand to move, yet it had moved on its own. And all of a sudden Lu Han’s dark blonde hair looked attractively soft, invitingly smooth. All of a sudden every single hair on Lu Han’s head seemed to scream Sehun’s name, luring Sehun’s hand into touching them.

Sehun thought only Baekhyun’s hair could ever trigger something like this inside of him.

“I’m sorry…” Lu Han muttered before dropping his head on Sehun’s chest.

Sehun’s eyes widened at this, body stiffening instantly. The way Lu Han breathed against his chest tugged at Sehun’s heart. Every single breath Lu Han took was stolen air from Sehun’s body and every single breath Lu Han let out seeped through Sehun’s clothes back into his body. Lu Han was so close, so incredibly close, that Sehun could not distinguish anymore what was his doing and what was Lu Han’s doing. Every breath taken sounded so much like his own but felt so much like Lu Han’s.

Sehun patted Lu Han’s head gently, fingers running through his hair. It felt relentlessly relieving, and somehow it felt as though something heavy was taken away from on top of his heart.

White earpods sneaked out of Lu Han’s pocket, catching Sehun’s attention. Sehun did not know whether it was appropriate or not, but if there was anything that could help Lu Han right now, it was a song. What Lu Han needed right now was something to take him away from reality. So Sehun tugged at the earpods, quickly grabbing the cell phone that almost flew out of Lu Han’s pocket. He pressed the on-button, a celebratory sound popping in his head when he saw there was no lock, and quickly went to Lu Han’s music library. There was already a song that was paused midway.

Sehun laughed softly, “John Mayer again, huh?”

He put an earpod in Lu Han’s ear before putting the other in his own.

When you’re dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with her crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering, “Could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?”
No she can’t, ‘cause she’s gone, gone, gone, gone, gone…

“Lu Han… Whatever it is that’s hurting you…” Sehun sighed before biting down on his lip, not knowing how to continue, “Whatever it is…”

Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my, roses in my hand?
Would you get them if I did?
No you won’t, ‘cause you’re gone, gone, gone, gone, gone, gone…

“You need to wake up from it,” Sehun whispered softly.

When you’re dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part

Sehun decided to say nothing about the warm wetness spreading on his clothes and digging into his skin.


><

Sehun lay uncomfortably on his bed, his heart restlessly wandering about the person in the other bedroom. Lu Han had calmed down eventually, but he had not said a word. From the cinema to the front door, Lu Han had not spoken a word. It was unlike Lu Han to say nothing, but at least he was not breaking. Not breaking was already enough.

Yet, something inside of him told Sehun it was not enough.

He blindly searched around for his phone, swiping and tapping before ending up on KakaoTalk. He eyed the profile picture of a brightly Lu Han with scrutiny, no longer able to see the Lu Han he saw before.

Sehun: How are you feeling?

It was not like Sehun had expected an answer. Sehun just could not stop his hands from itching and his fingers from burning. It was as though his body knew something that his mind did not.

Sehun: Send me a song.

Sehun eyed the screen for a minute or two, before putting the phone down next to his pillow. The silence was so loud, so incredibly loud, and Sehun was certain it was the same for Lu Han. The silence was so loud it could eat them up alive, like their lives meant nothing at all. Sehun had escaped the deadly silence with the sound of whisking and mixing, Lu Han with the sound of music.

A sound coming from his phone caught his attention. He immediately sat up and grabbed his phone, the curiosity killing him.

Lu Han sent an audio file to you.

Sehun immediately pressed on the play-button.

(And I hear the sound of the rain)
(Thinking of how you use your lips to talk about love)
(During heady romance we are the most rebellious)
(Impulse takes over everything as we make promises)


><

“What are you doing?”

Sehun took in the sight of Lu Han sitting on the counter chair, head resting on his neatly folded arms. There was no longer the roughness lining his face, no longer the harshness defining his contours. The Lu Han sitting there was the Lu Han Sehun could start to recognize. There were no sharp edges anymore, no more ugliness in his eyes born out of insanity.

Sehun took place on the opposite chair, eyeing the table tentatively before resting his head on the cold surface. His cheek stuck onto the white-painted wood like tape, but this way he could watch Lu Han so all was well. This way, he could understand a little bit of what Lu Han was going through.

So all was well.

“We probably look like two fools right now,” Lu Han commented, his voice light.

Sehun thought for a moment before replying, “Maybe we do,” A small chuckle left his lips, “Maybe we do…”

Something shone in Lu Han’s eyes, “Sehun-ah…”

The way Lu Han said his name caught Sehun’s attention. It pulled at something inside of him, something Sehun did not know he possessed. It made Sehun feel something he did not know he could feel. It was uncomfortable, because it felt like he was losing control over himself, but it was not unpleasant. Interestingly enough, it was not unpleasant.

“You might think otherwise,” Lu Han said, a serene smile growing on his lips as he continued, “but I think we’re very similar.”

“What makes you think that?” Sehun asked with genuine interest, unsure how Lu Han had come to that conclusion.

“I can’t explain it, but,” Big, expressive eyes looked straight into Sehun’s own uncertain ones, “one day you’ll see it.”

Sehun could say a hundred disagreements, a thousand words, a million letters, which would be totally like Sehun. It was completely like Sehun to go against everything people ever said. It was something deeply integrated into Sehun’s existence to question every single thing a person ever said. People, in Sehun’s mind, were not honest beings. Yet, as his head rested on a piece of lifeless Mother Nature, Sehun found it meaningless to rebel. Something felt surprisingly right and pleasant as he looked Lu Han in the eyes, unwavering and unbroken.

“Is that so…” Sehun replied instead.

“Hmm…” Lu Han confirmed.

Sehun’s lips turned into a soft smile, “Hey, Lu Han, sing me a song.”

“Are you asking a god to sing for you, you human?” Was Lu Han’s cheeky reply.

“You’re someone who comes close to being a god,” Sehun’s eyes turned into crescent moons, “and as far as I know there are no special privileges for you guys.”

Lu Han’s lips curled up into an amused grin, “Starting to have a sense of humor, huh?”

Sehun mentally prepared himself for Lu Han’s singing, the excitement building up inside of him. He watched how Lu Han’s eyes fluttered close like he had fallen asleep. He watched Lu Han softly hum a song, so quietly Sehun almost could not catch a sound, before Lu Han started singing.

Down to Earth
It’s like I’m frozen, but the world still turns
Stuck in motion, and the wheels keep spinning ‘round
Moving in reverse with no way out

Sehun locked gazes with Lu Han...

Eyes can’t shine
Unless there’s something burning bright behind
Since you went away, there’s nothing left in mine
I feel myself running out of time

…And he was certain the both of them saw the same.

How many nights does it take to count the stars?
That’s the time it would take to fix my heart
Oh, baby, I was there for you
All I ever wanted was the truth, yeah, yeah

How many nights have you wished someone would stay?
Lie awake only hoping they’re okay
I never counted all of mine
If I tried, I know it would feel like infinity
Infinity, infinity, yeah
Infinity, infinity, infinity


><

“What are you reading?” Lu Han plopped down on the couch in his usual ungraceful manner that surfaced whenever he was at home.

Sehun looked up from his book, “Me Before You, by Jojo Moyes.”

“Is it interesting?” There was mild interest lingering in Lu Han’s eyes.

“It’s pretty okay,” Sehun replied, gaze landing on the page he was currently on, “it keeps my mind off things.”

“Let’s go eat some dukbokki,” Lu Han grinned shamelessly like a child, “I’m hungry.”

“What kind of god still has room for food after eating a whole chicken for dinner?” There was a hint of pure surprise in Sehun’s voice.

The grin on Lu Han’s lips widened as he stood up and tugged at Sehun’s arm, desperately trying to pull him up on his feet. However, Sehun was persistent on staying on the couch. He had no interest in eating any more food after their festive feast just two hours ago. And more importantly, he wanted to finish his book. He had started with it in the morning and he was determined to finish it.

That was the kind of person Sehun was. The kind of person who finished whatever he began. The kind of person who fulfilled the promises he made. The kind of person who did not run away or gave up halfway.

“I’m going to finish this book,” Sehun said before turning his attention back to the last word he had read, “I only have like two more chapters to go.”

“Ugh, come on, don’t be so boring,” Lu Han argued with a pout, “My treat!”

“I want to finish it, Lu Han,” The need to reach the ending was inexplicably strong, as always, “I’ll go with you next time.”

“Why…? Why are you so set on finishing it?” Lu Han asked, the hopefulness fading away with every word that was spoken.

Sehun sighed with a tired smile, “Because that’s the kind of person I am.”

In the moment of silence that followed, Sehun slowly let himself drown in words. In the moment of silence that he was granted, Sehun felt himself gently pulled into a world that was so silent it was almost painful. The sound of silence had never hit his heart that much. And in that silence, Sehun realized he was not able to read any word that was written on the page. In that silence that took over his whole body and mind, he realized he had been listening to someone’s breathing.

Someone’s breathing that was not his.

Sehun glanced up curiously, his gaze meeting a pair of distantly expressive eyes, “What…?”

“Sehun-ah, you’re a bad person, you know,” Lu Han looked down, his fringe covering his eyes.

Sehun kept silent for a moment before replying, “You’ve said that before.”

Lu Han grinned forcedly at the comment, “Tell me what the story is about. Read me the sentence you’re reading right now.”

“It’s… It’s about a woman and a man. They met each other under unfortunate circumstances, but made the best out of things. They fall in love…” Sehun remembered the confession, the outburst of emotions he had just read, and suddenly things got heavy as he watched Lu Han, “And the girl thinks she can make it work.”

“Read it, Sehun-ah,” Lu Han glanced up, eyes glistering with hesitation and determination, “read it out loud.”

Sehun’s fingers dug into the pages, the warmth of his skin leaving marks behind. He could not pinpoint what it was, but something in the air felt strange. Something in the air felt grave and serious, but also great and strong. Something in the room felt suffocating but not unpleasant. Maybe it was the way Lu Han looked at him, really looked at him. Maybe it was the way Sehun felt this urge to say something, really say something.

He did not know.

Instead, he slowly read the words, “‘What do you say?’ I could have looked into his eyes forever. He said it so quietly, that for a minute I could not be sure I had heard him correctly. ‘What?’ ‘No, Clark.’ ‘No?’ ‘I’m sorry. It’s not enough.’”

I’m sorry.

It’s not enough.

“Sehun, stop tearing me into pieces.”

The words hit Sehun right where it hurt most. It was a relentless blow right into a space somewhere deep in his chest. It took his breath away and left him gasping for air. It was ugly and bloody and it made Sehun feel hollow inside.

It was so difficult to heal a broken heart.

“Stop reading, Sehun-ah,” Lu Han whispered, the words sounding almost like a plea.

“No, I need to read it, I need to know what happens-” Sehun could not deal with unfinished chapters and stories-

“Then… What if it’s a sad ending?” There was a bitter sadness in Lu Han’s voice Sehun simply could not ignore.

“It’s… It’s still an ending,” Sehun hesitated for a moment, “Lu Han, no matter what, there needs to be an ending. There needs to be closure. Everything needs to end.”

“But what if the ending is everything you’ve feared in your life? What if, in the end, everything will be in vain?”

Sehun looked deeply into his eyes, letting the heaviness of the emotions swirling in those orbs take over him, “Lu Han-”

“What if it’s not enough?”

“I-”

It must have been because Lu Han wanted Sehun to stop talking. It must have been because Lu Han, being Lu Han, wanted to interrupt Sehun once again. It must have been for such a reason. There could not be another way. Even in his wildest dreams, Sehun could not fathom such a thing happening. Even in his boldest dreams, Sehun could not see the two of them sitting on the couch, the evening sunlight running away with the bright colors.

There was no way Lu Han had kissed him because of desire.

Sehun wondered if he could ever stop comparing someone with Baekhyun. Sehun really wondered if there would ever be someone who could completely replace Baekhyun, erasing any traces of his former lover. As Sehun felt foreign lips pressed against his, he wondered if kissing could ever feel right again without Baekhyun. After all, for years Sehun had only kissed Baekhyun’s lips. For years Sehun had put all his efforts into becoming accustomed to Baekhyun.

Yet, Lu Han had a way of coming easily to Sehun. Lu Han only had to say one word, and Sehun would give in. Lu Han only needed to look Sehun in the eyes, and Sehun felt like honesty was the only truth. That was something that only Lu Han could do, which was funny because Sehun thought Baekhyun had made him experience everything there was to life. Sehun thought Baekhyun had showed him everything worth seeing.

But with Lu Han kissing him like he needed something he did not want, Sehun realized there was so much more to explore.


><

“Ham… That… Your stupid owner… He’s neglecting you, isn’t he?” Sehun said before sighing, eyeing the pet with hopelessness, “That’s just the kind of person he is, isn’t he? He showers a person with love and then just runs away…”

Sehun glanced at the clock handing on the wall, heart skipping a beat when he realized how late it was already. Unconsciously, he has become an avid fan of Lu Han’s radio show. Unconsciously, after so many times spent listening to Lu Han’s voice on the radio, Sehun became accustomed to listen to his voice before sleeping. Sehun did not know when it happened, but at some point he started to look forward to midnight, just so he could hear Lu Han’s voice again.

“Yah, you must miss your owner’s voice too, don’t you?” Sehun tickled Ham’s belly, smiling contently at Ham’s reactions, “Let’s listen to him on the radio.”

Sehun grabbed his phone and opened the application. It was something automatic already. Clicking on the buttons was something that had already become automatic to Sehun. Seeing Lu Han’s brightly smiling face gracing the page already did not surprise him anymore. Seeing Lu Han’s face popping up from time to time already did not surprise him anymore.

Seeing Lu Han already became something like a habit to Sehun.

I’m so curious, I can’t sleep
Why did you do that?
Even if it seems pathetic, I want to ask
What am I to you?

Sehun did not know when it had happened, but somehow, someway, songs did not hurt him as much as before anymore. Somehow, someway, Sehun found himself understanding songs just the slightest bit more than before. Somehow, someway, Sehun found himself starting to understand Baekhyun a little bit more. Somehow, someway, Sehun found himself starting to forgive Baekhyun…

And himself.

If we were gonna end like this
You shouldn’t have hugged me that night taking me home
Your words that made my heart flutter and kept me up all night
You shouldn’t have said those either you shouldn’t have

“You bastard,” Sehun muttered with a pout, “you were the one who kissed me. The least you could do is spare me the hassle of coming up with an explanation for it.”

“That was Baek Ah Yeon’s Shouldn’t Have. It has been a long time since I last heard that song. It’s a good song, isn’t it? Suddenly, I felt the urge to listen to it again. Listening to the song just now made me realize something. Something stupid, actually.”

This made Sehun grab his phone and press it against his ear, eager to hear what Lu Han was going to say next. Sehun was afraid if he did not concentrate, did not pay attention, he might miss something. Something he should not miss.

“It made me realize I’ve been texting with a certain someone for a very long time already, and I’ve never given it any thought. Texting this person felt really comfortable, so I never really bothered thinking too much about it. We were both going through the same thing, so it felt as if only he could understand me the same I could understand him. But now I’m starting to ponder about even the slightest thing when it comes to this person. I’m wondering if I should send a text or not, and that never happened before. I’ve never thought twice before sending him a message. It’s like something happened and now we’re both starting to wonder about things. We’re both starting to… to think about what we share and what we are to each other.”

Sehun tried not to think about the text message he had typed and deleted a hundred times tonight. He tried not to think about it too much, even though he knew it meant too much. The need to send something and the itch to hold back was simply too strong to ignore.

“I know that if other people saw the two of us together, they would say we’re opposites of each other. I know that people would say we wouldn’t be able to get along well with each other. It’s funny, because I thought so too the first time I saw him, but not anymore. Now I know that we’re more similar than anyone can imagine. We’re both suffering from a painful heartbreak, in our own way, but we’re nevertheless suffering. We’re nevertheless suffering and feeling something that really hits us. And maybe the fact that we crossed paths when we were both at our lowest…”

Sehun held his breath.

“…Means something we should both start thinking about.”


><

“Sehun-ah, let’s get some dukbokki.”

Sehun stood in front of the stall, his scarf wrapped tightly around his neck and hands buried in the warm pockets of his coat. The cold was gnawing at him, digging into the little holes and reaching out for his skin. It was quiet frightening, like little monsters trying to get to him. It might snow this winter, if the weather stayed like this.

“Sehun-ah.”

The smooth voice made Sehun’s head snap to the left, and his gaze instantly locked with the person he had been waiting for.

“Lu Han…”

“Let’s eat some food!” Lu Han said with a grin, “I’m so hungry!”

Sehun had so much to ask Lu Han. Sehun had so much he wanted to talk about with Lu Han. Sehun had so many things filling his mind and only Lu Han could help him. Yet, Lu Han pretended like nothing had happened. Yet, Lu Han pretended like that moment they both lost themselves on the couch had been nothing. It might have only been a kiss, a kiss that lasted for a lifetime and longer, but it was enough to break everything they had. It was enough to destroy everything they had.

Sehun took a seat opposite of Lu Han, watching the other intently, “Lu Han-’

“Hey, you want to drink some beer?” Lu Han asked, refusing to look up from his menu card, “I’m all in for some alcohol-”

“Lu Han-”

“Or maybe we should order some soju-”

“Lu Han, stop this nonsense!” Sehun screamed, catching other customers’ attention, but not Lu Han’s, “Don’t act like this! You know I hate it when you act like this!”

Finally, Lu Han looked up with hesitation, “What’s wrong, Sehun-ah…?”

“You’re trying to walk around it, aren’t you?” There was hurt laced around Sehun’s voice as he spoke, “You’re trying to pretend it never happened, aren’t you?”

“It’s… It’s not like that, Sehun-ah…” Lu Han bit down on his lip, “It’s not…”

“You said we’re more similar than people think we are,” Sehun said carefully, “You said one day I’ll see that we’re actually really similar.”

Lu Han nodded his head weakly, “Yes… Yes, I did…”

Sehun took a deep breath, “Lu Han, you’re keeping everything to yourself. You were the one who told me to stop putting up a façade. You’re the one who told me I shouldn’t force myself. So why are you forcing yourself to not be okay?” Sehun’s expression softened, “Why are you forcing yourself to be unhappy?”

Sehun watched the tears form at the corners of Lu Han’s eyes. Sehun watched how Lu Han tried to keep it all inside, when all the emotions wanted to get out. Sehun watched it all, wondering why he had not seen it before. Sehun wondered why he had never opened his eyes and looked at the person in front of him. If he had, he would have noticed.

He could have noticed.

“Sehun-ah…” Lu Han grinned sadly as he wiped the tears away, glancing at his wet fingers with embarrassment, “You’re surprisingly sharp all of a sudden,” The smaller male looked away at the weight of Sehun’s expectant gaze, “…I’m afraid.”

“Afraid…? Of what?” Sehun asked with flickering eyes.

Lu Han touched the edge of the table with his fingers, “I really did love Chanyeol... I know he might think I didn’t love him, but that’s only because he didn’t understand. He didn’t understand what I was battling with… I really did want to stay by his side, because he meant the world to me…” His fingers clenched onto the wooden surface, “…But I’m afraid of endings.”

It all made sense. It all made sense now. The fact that Lu Han never finished his bag of chips, never finished a song or movie. It all made sense now. It made sense now how Lu Han never read the last page of the newspaper, never threw away his old laptop even though Sehun already bought him a new one. Lu Han was afraid of endings, so he only started. He lived only beginnings. He turned his back to endings, facing only beginnings. That was the kind of person Lu Han was.

“And you’re afraid of beginnings, Sehun-ah,” Lu Han said with an admiring smile.

“It’s a promise, Oh Sehun!”

“I, Byun Baekhyun, will only ever love Oh Sehun in his whole life,” Baekhyun said as he leaned against Sehun’s chest, a bright smile on his face, “and you, Oh Sehun, will only ever love Byun Baekhyun’s in his whole life.”

“You’re a person who keeps his promises, Sehun-ah,” Lu Han’s hand reached out to touch Sehun’s hair, “You’re a person who will always keep his promises. You’re a person who’ll go through seven hells to fulfill a promise, because that’s just the kind of person you are.”

“Lu Han…” Sehun held onto Lu Han’s wrist, startling Lu Han.

Lu Han wore a conflicted expression as he said, “And I’m the kind of person who runs away the moment a promise is made, Sehun-ah.”


><

Honestly, Sehun thought these kinds of people only existed in movies, dramas and books. He thought these kinds of people were fiction. Then again, maybe these kinds of people really did exist, but they just never crossed paths with someone like Sehun. Maybe these kinds of people really did exist, lived under the same sky but in a different world. They lived in a different world from Sehun, who would never leave everything behind without a proper goodbye.

No, maybe Lu Han really was the kind of person Sehun never should cross paths with.

“I know that if other people saw the two of us together, they would say we’re opposites of each other. I know that people would say we wouldn’t be able to get along well with each other. It’s funny, because I thought so too the first time I saw him, but not anymore. Now I know that we’re more similar than anyone can imagine.”

“You might think otherwise, but I think we’re very similar.”

“Similar, huh?” Sehun said bitterly as he watched Ham running around in his cage, “We’re very similar, huh? Well, that’s hard to imagine.”

When Baekhyun left, it had been a dramatic break up. Sehun had begged and screamed, pulling on Baekhyun’s arm desperately. Sehun had stopped Baekhyun a hundred times from the bedroom to the front door, pleading for Baekhyun to give them a second chance. Sehun would do anything to make it work. Whatever Baekhyun wanted, Sehun would grant him. Whatever Baekhyun desired, Sehun would make sure Baekhyun would get it.

Baekhyun only had to stay, and everything would be okay.

So when Baekhyun left nevertheless, Sehun was hurt beyond repair. Sehun was hurt because he could not believe eight years came down to a brutal separation. Sehun was hurt because he thought Baekhyun and he were more too each other than empty rooms and hauntingly pale walls.

However, with Lu Han, Sehun did not even have the chance to beg, to scream. With Lu Han, Sehun did not even have the chance to say a word, because one moment they were walking home together in silence and the next moment Lu Han was gone. Lu Han was gone before sunrise, before Sehun even understood what had happened.

With Lu Han, Sehun did not even have the chance to be okay.

It was so awfully stupid when Sehun thought about how Lu Han’s sudden leave hurt even more than Baekhyun’s painful departure. It was so awfully bitter when Sehun thought about how Lu Han, who had only been in Sehun’s life for a short time compared to Baekhyun, could make Sehun feel this empty and betrayed inside. Sehun thought he had experienced the worst with Baekhyun…

But things could always get worse.

“He just runs away, Ham…” Sehun touched Ham’s cheek tenderly, a tear rolling down his cheek as he felt the loneliness eating him up, “He didn’t even bother to listen to what I have to say… He…” He clenched onto the piece of paper Lu Han had brutally left for Sehun, “He just left.”

Without Lu Han’s songs, the living room sounded so silently loud it was simply too painful to cope with. Without Lu Han’s songs, the apartment was rid of all its colors, all its beauty and all its joy. Without Lu Han’s songs, Sehun was back to zero.

Without Lu Han’s songs, Sehun was even worse off than before.


><

“He’s not here,” Sehun said with a frustrated sigh as he saw Chanyeol standing in front of him the moment he opened the door, “He’s gone.”

Chanyeol’s eyebrows knitted together at this, “W-What?”

Sehun’s fingers clenched onto the beer bottle in his hand even tighter as he saw Chanyeol’s confused expression, “He just left, alright? I don’t know where he is, but he’s not here. He took all his stuff and just…” The bitterness inside of him made Sehun feel so painfully hollow, “Left.”

For a moment, Chanyeol’s eyes widened in surprise. For a moment, Chanyeol seemed to need time to understand what Sehun’s words implied. However, it seemed as though Chanyeol understood more than Sehun would ever be able to, because his gaze softened. His gaze, although still filled with betrayal and disappointment, was gentler than ever before.

“He did it to you too, huh?” Chanyeol said as his eyes wandered around, a sad smile lingering on his lips.

“What?” Sehun replied a little too irritated.

“This place… It has Lu Han’s name all over it,” Chanyeol chuckled while wearing a crestfallen expression, “That’s just what Lu Han does… He gets into your life without you knowing it, but the moment he leaves, everything screams his name. He arrives with only one suitcase, like one suitcase defines him. That’s okay, because maybe he just wants to have a fresh start. Maybe he just didn’t have anything worth bringing with him. However, when he leaves, it’s also only one suitcase. Like the time spent with you added nothing to his life. He doesn’t take the pictures, clothes, stuff he bought. He just disappears, like he was never there. He simply leaves, like he didn’t already paint every wall with his own colors, but the evidence is so clearly that he did.”

Sehun felt like the whole world was against him, so he could not fathom how it must have been for Chanyeol. Sehun could only wonder if Chanyeol was bleeding love with every passing second spent without Lu Han.

Exhaustion washed over Sehun as he leaned against the door, eyes glossed with incomprehension, “He… How long were you two together?”

A pained grin appeared on Chanyeol’s tormented face, “If he hadn’t run away, it would’ve been three years.”

“Three years…” Sehun glanced up to meet Chanyeol’s wavering gaze, “And even though he ran away, you still chase after him…”

Chanyeol’s laughter filled the living room to the brim with grief, “What would do you if the person you proposed to ran away, saying he couldn’t stay?”

Sehun’s eyes widened as he took in Chanyeol’s dejected appearance. The sight made him wonder why love was this difficult. It made him wonder why love needed to be so heart rending.

“I really did love Chanyeol... I know he might think I didn’t love him, but that’s only because he didn’t understand. He didn’t understand what I was battling with… I really did want to stay by his side, because he meant the world to me… But I’m afraid of endings.”

Why did love hurt so damn much?

“But you know what Lu Han said when I reminded him of all those years we spent together?” Chanyeol hid his face behind his fist, but Sehun could clearly see the angry tears rolling down, “He said that those years are just a number. It could’ve been three months or thirty years, but it would still only be a number…”

“It’s just a number, Oh Sehun!”

It was such a cruel thing to say… Sehun could not understand how anyone could have the heart to say such cruel words… How could all the years spent together be merely a number-

“And what matters is that our love wasn’t strong enough to make him stay.”








><

“Sehun…”

The hesitation and hurt in the other’s eyes did not hit Sehun like a bullet anymore. It was still there, the pain was still there, but it was not that intense anymore. Sehun had learned to cope with it. It was awfully similar to an addiction Sehun had conquered. There was always the chance of a relapse. There was always the possibility Sehun would fall back into the black hole he was once in. There was no way Sehun could guarantee himself he would never fall again. However, Sehun worked hard every single day to pull himself up.

Every single day Sehun worked hard to stand up again.

“I… Could I talk to you a bit?” Sehun was proud of himself for being able to speak so calmly to the person in front of him, “It won’t take long. Please, Baekhyun.”

Baekhyun glanced around uncertainly before nodding his head, “Alright, let’s talk.”

Sehun smiled gratefully at this, recognizing the gentle Baekhyun he had fallen in love with, “Thank you.”

They both sat down on the edge of the water fountain, the sound of water falling down and birds chirping creating a gentle atmosphere. Sehun glanced down at the cool box he had been holding onto like his life depended on it. A silly chuckle escaped his mouth as he realized something.

Baekhyun eyed him with curiosity, “What’s wrong?”

Sehun looked up, eyes twinkling with pride, “Nothing.”

“You…” Baekhyun frowned slightly before smiling softly, “You’ve changed.”

“For better or worse?” Sehun asked while feeling sunbeams dancing on his skin.

There was no hesitation on Baekhyun’s side, “Better.”

It felt surreal to be able to talk to Baekhyun like this again. Even in his wildest dreams Sehun did not think it would be possible for Baekhyun and him to be on good terms with each other ever again. However, Sehun was grateful they could, because no matter how much time would pass, Sehun would never be able to forget Baekhyun. No matter how many years would pass, Sehun would always believe that Baekhyun was a special person to him. No matter what, Baekhyun would remain a very important person in his heart.

“I made you something,” Sehun carefully opened the cool box, eyes shining with excitement.

With Lu Han’s carefully written recipe and explanation, Sehun had been able to create the Baked Alaska of his dreams. With Lu Han’s help, Sehun was able to fulfill his promise to Baekhyun. With Lu Han’s help, Sehun was able to close a chapter.

With Lu Han’s help, Sehun was able to have a fresh start.

“A… Baked Alaska?” Baekhyun said as he looked at the dessert with awe, “Sehun, you…”

“It might not taste as great as I want it to, but putting it in the cool box was the only way for me to transport it to you…” Sehun held the plate with the dessert in front of Baekhyun, a feeling of fulfillment filling him, “Here you go, Baekhyun, the Baked Alaska I promised you.”

Sehun watched Baekhyun take the plate with shaking hands, the tears threatening to roll down his cheeks. Sehun watched how Baekhyun, the Baekhyun he had so relentlessly fallen in love with, smiled the bright smile Sehun had missed so badly. Sehun watched how time seemed to have reversed, bringing the two of them back to a time when the both of them only had each other.

“I thought… I thought you forgot already…” Baekhyun said softly, the tears choking him.

“I promised you I would make you the perfect Baked Alaska, didn’t I?” Sehun said before handing Baekhyun a fork, “I keep my promises. When it comes to you, I always keep my promises.”

Baekhyun glanced down at the slightly browned meringue, eyes glistering with tears, “You… I know that… I know that you’ve always loved me… I know that you never wanted to do me any wrong… That’s why I didn’t want you to hurt because of me… Sehun, I loved you too much to see you hurt because of me…”

If it had been the old Sehun, they would have never been able to talk like this. If it had been the old Sehun, things would have escalated by now. However, the Sehun sitting beside Baekhyun was not the old Sehun anymore. The Sehun sitting beside Baekhyun was a Sehun who saw, really saw Baekhyun. The new Sehun was a Sehun who understood love was not everything.

Love was not always enough.

Without Sehun’s interruption, Baekhyun felt no more restraints that stopped him from letting everything out, “You’re the kind of person who keeps his promises, no matter what. I’ve known that you’re that kind of person from the first time I saw you. That’s why… That’s why I knew you would stay with me no matter what… That’s….” Tears dropped down on the dessert as Baekhyun tried to keep himself together, “That’s why I knew you would stay with me even if you didn’t love me anymore.”

Sehun watched Baekhyun cry. He watched how Baekhyun cried for him. For the first time in his life, Sehun finally understood that Baekhyun was not the only person who had hurt someone. Sehun had hurt someone too.

Sehun had hurt Baekhyun beyond repair too.

“Because I was someone you’ve lived with so long already, you weren’t able to distinguish between a habit and love. Because I had been a part of your life for so long already, you weren’t able to distinguish between wanting me in your life and needing me in your life.”

“I’m sorry.”

Baekhyun looked Sehun in the eyes with shock, but Sehun understood. Sehun understood that Baekhyun never expected Sehun to apologize, because Sehun had never thought he had done anything wrong. However, Baekhyun deserved an apology. Baekhyun deserved the most sincere apology Sehun would ever give. After everything they had gone through, Baekhyun deserved at least this privilege of receiving the most meaningful apology from Sehun.

“I’m sorry, Baekhyun,” Sehun said with a sad smile, “I’m sorry… For hurting you.”

There was something akin to appreciation swimming in Baekhyun’s eyes as he replied, “Eight years is just a number… Because I wanted you to know that time isn’t everything.”

Sehun used his hand to wipe away the tears staining Baekhyun’s face. Sehun let himself drown in his love for Baekhyun one last time as he tenderly touched Baekhyun’s cheek.

“It could’ve been only eight minutes, Sehun, and it would’ve still been the best time of my life.”

“Thank you, Baekhyun,” Sehun said, his heart exploding with thankful joy, “thank you for loving me. Thank you for being by my side for so long.”

Sehun watched how Baekhyun ate the already melting dessert. Sehun was certain there was no such thing as the perfect Baked Alaska, but the way Baekhyun ate his self-made dessert made Sehun realize that did not matter.








><

“Yes, yes, I’m doing well,” Sehun smiled at his brother’s concern, “I’m not a child anymore. I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself.”

“I heard from father you’re looking for a new place,” His brother was silent for a moment, “You loved that apartment.”

Sehun glanced up to see the beautiful evening sky, the rain hitting his umbrella with gentle force, “I realized it was time for a fresh start.”

“Sehun…” His brother spoke out hesitantly.

“Don’t you worry about me, I’m doing fine,” Sehun said as he saw the familiar bus stop, when a sudden impulse made him stop and drop his umbrella on the ground, “You make sure our grandchildren can still enjoy Indonesia’s beautiful rainforests,” Sehun closed his eyes and let the rain hit his face, “and I’ll make sure to enjoy my life.”

“You’ll be okay?” His brother asked.

Sehun grinned like a mischievous child, “I’m not sure, but I’ll manage.”

The rain felt like coming home. It felt like coming home after a tiresome long day. It felt like he could finally breathe, really breathe, without any restraints. Sehun was not sure whether there was anyone else in this world who would ever feel the same about rain, but he wanted to believe there was. He wanted to believe at least one person would understand him.

He wanted to believe at least that person would feel the same.

Sehun was so lost in his own world, feeling every rain hitting him like little needles that it took him a few seconds before he realized the rain had stopped. It took him a few seconds before he realized he could still hear but not feel the rain.

“Did you order the rain?”

So long. It had been so long since Sehun last heard this voice. At one point, Sehun thought he would never hear this voice ever again. Sehun had waited so long he forgot how much he had longed for this voice. How much he longed for this person.

He immediately turned around, his wet bangs covering his eyes. He must look like he had swam in the roughest sea, but that was alright, because in some way…

He had.

Lu Han held onto the umbrella, shielding the both of them from the rain, but Sehun could clearly see that Lu Han was just as soaked as he was. Sehun could see that Lu Han had been longing for him too, with the way Lu Han’s eyes shone brightly under the moonlight.

“I remember that song,” Sehun said as they looked each other in the eyes.

Big eyes looked at Sehun with expectation, “And?”

“If you listened until the end, you would’ve known the ending,” Sehun spoke before breaking into a charming smile, “but then everything would’ve been meaningless.”

Lu Han took a daring step forward, gaze never wavering, “Because?”

“Because there’s no such thing as beginnings and endings…” Sehun leaned his forehead against Lu Han’s, “There’s only a fool of a human forever trying to chase after an almost-god.”

Lu Han dropped the yellow umbrella at this, a tender smile growing on his lips, “How’s Ham?”

“He’s being treated like a king,” Sehun said, his lips curved upwards as his eyes turned into crescent moons.

“And how is Oh Sehun?” Lu Han asked warmly.

Sehun grinned before kissing Lu Han slowly. It was soft and sweet and simply everything Sehun had been longing for. Feeling Lu Han’s lips against his own lips felt like coming home. It felt like coming home after years of battling with the most frightening monsters. So Sehun wanted to take his time enjoying the wonderful feeling. After all…

Time was not everything.

“He’ll be okay.”