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She said that she needed my hugs to fall asleep now, so I found myself breathing in the smell of jasmine shampoo from her hair while her fingers played with my hands which were resting on her stomach. There was no stopping my heart from moving for this girl so I let it        happen and gradually I was able to rest my forehead against her nape without choking myself. But maybe having feelings for her only made things harder. “Tae?” I hummed. “How long has it been since the one who gave you the knife passed away?” the question seemed a little out of place and I felt a little scared to answer. It was always hard opening up again, but if this was Tiffany’s strategy then I would follow.

“I don’t know about now, but the day you came here, it was about three weeks before,” I murmured and I felt her bring my hand to her lips again. She did that whenever I felt a little down, even when I didn’t tell her. I wasn’t sure if she did that to people before meeting me but no one kissed my hands before. It worked and I was glad for it.

“So it hasn’t been long,” she realized and I nodded gently, pulling her a little closer so her body was flush against mine. The heat radiating off of her was so hypnotic; I almost didn’t feel guilty for holding her while I was supposed to be thinking of Peter, but I did. This pattern isn’t changing, is it? Why is nothing changing, am I still too greedy? Is holding her so much being greedy? “Did you love him?” That was another shock, one that I wasn’t sure how to answer. Why is she asking me that now? Would she feel hurt if I said yes? Does that mean that she loves me? I was quite sure what kind of relationship I was having with Tiffany. We talked and spent time together, but it was kind of a given, and we were intimate sometimes, like now, but we never crossed the friendship line…the line was kind of blurred to be honest.

“Yes, I still kinda do…” I replied and she placed my hands back on her stomach, drawing circles on them. My anxiety started to climb when she stopped talking. Is she mad at me? Is she just thinking about him? Does she want me to love her as well? I decided to find out myself. “Why do you ask?”

“I was curious…I want to know more about you, even if it means your old love.” Women were confusing when they weren’t yourself. “What was he like?” she mumbled. This is confusing me, does she really wanna know? Whenever I talked about another man, the others would get really mad.

“He had brown hair and really bright blue eyes and he was tall, but one of the main things I got from his personality was that he was pretty childish. He would make stupid jokes and be over eccentric. He made me laugh and he gave me a lot of energy—.” I stopped when I felt her squeeze my hand a little tighter than usual. Why is she making me lose my mind over this? The only thing that I learned from having Tiffany around was that she enjoyed and needed to feel wanted. All I can do is make her feel wanted.

“So I was very empty when he passed, it was one of those times where I thought that good people were punished. I cried a lot and I thought a lot. I drank a lot of alcohol too. But when you came, in the hilarity of it all, I kind of forgot that I was sad and at times I still do,” I admitted, my flush beginning to cloud my thoughts as I felt embarrassed. It’s difficult to open yourself up to another person again, especially after so many failed relationships. Sometimes I sent a person back into the world without them ever knowing I was immortal. I would have thought that my heart would stop beating a long time ago, but it always moved, man or woman.

“Did you bury him here?” Is she set on asking all of the hard ones tonight? But just because I buried him didn’t mean I killed him, I had to remember that telling her wouldn’t mean that, but I didn’t want to share him with her. I almost scoffed out loud. What are you thinking? You’re being selfish, you have to stop being selfish. Open up, please, talk this out or something.

“Yeah, the spot I go to on the beach,” I finally confessed and she hummed.

“I thought so…” Is it that obvious? “Are you scared to fall in love again?” she wondered breathlessly and I moved my head up a little, brushing her nape with my lips. I heard her swallow.

“Yeah, I am,” I said. I was always scared to fall in love again. I continued loving them, each man that came, knowing very well that my family was cruel and sent me someone who couldn’t stay, but I always hoped. I always wished that someone would come and love me as much as I loved them, but I was always scared to admit that. She will leave me but I want her to stay so badly.

“Me too,” she told me and I sighed.

“Who was the last person you loved?” I was a little curious, but felt a bit insecure to hear the answer. I didn’t want to hear about her romantic past, like how I didn’t want her to know mine, but who was I going up against? Wait I’m not going against anyone. God I must be tired.

“It was just as I started college, I was really young and I had high hopes for us. It lasted a handful of years, but after a while, she was just too confused for me to deal with. I thought I could change her but she couldn’t make up her mind whether she was gay or not…” So it was a woman, if Tiffany broke up with her because she was confused about her uality, does that mean she’s certain of hers? It must’ve been tough for her to deal with. I knew that it was hard to fall for someone when they couldn’t even figure out if they felt the same.

“I’m sorry that happened,” I said and she shrugged slightly. I kissed her shoulder and I felt her whimper a little. Do I understand my uality? I felt guilty for thinking that I wasn’t and still treating her in a confusing way. I should just sleep, I need to sleep or else I’m going to do something crazy.

“Are you straight, Taeyeon? Do you only like men?” she rolled over in my arms and stared into my eyes, startling me. Do I have to deal with this right now?

“Should we be talking about this so late at night? Can’t we save it for the morning?” I whined softly, playing with the hem of her shirt to try and persuade her.

“Yes or no, Tae, I want to know,” she insisted and I sighed, staring at the wall behind her. Do I only like men? No, I like Tiffany, but can I love her? Maybe, it’s very possible, but is that maybe enough? But if I like both men and women, I can’t be straight or gay. If I say that I like both, would Tiffany still accept me or is it not enough? I wasn’t sure if it was because her eyes were so big or if she actually was, but I told myself that she was fragile. It was as if the woman with the gun was a fluke and replaced by an adorable sentimental. I told myself that I couldn’t hurt her like I had been hurt. What did Nero say about gender? He said it pretty well. I met with Tiffany’s eyes once more.

“Tiffany, I’m going to live a long, long time. And for the duration I’ve lived, in all those years, I’ve never even considered having feelings for another woman,” I spoke, gripping her waist tighter when she leaned away from me. It was kind of painful, her obvious disappointment pained me. “Listen to me finish,” I rumbled and she stopped, her fingers gripping my shoulders. Ow. “I’m going to live for a long time, and because of that, I realized that if I only looked down one path then I was going to miss all of the other beautiful people I could’ve been with. It doesn’t matter to me anymore, I thought it did, but it doesn’t. I don’t want to be tied down to just men or women; if I have feelings for you then I’ll have feelings for you.” She looked like she was about to say something else but she closed , smiling a little at me. I kissed her nose and she squeaked a little. “Are you content now?”

“Yeah,” she nodded and slid her head under my chin, pulling my arms forward so they enveloped her in an even bigger hug. She’s too cute for her own good. “When you say a long time…” Is now a good time? Is it appropriate for her to know who I am now?

“I’m an immortal, I’ll live forever,” I spoke quickly and her fingers stopped playing with my collar. I’ve had different reactions when I told that to my past lovers, most of them were reluctant to believe me. Peter was excited, best case scenario. Lomeli almost started worshipping me, worst case scenario.

“Does that mean that I’m not important?”

“What?” I looked down at her face, seeing the slight pout on her lips. Okay maybe this is the worst case scenario.

“If you can live forever…I’m insignificant aren’t I?” she quivered and I cupped her cheek, brushing my thumb over the rosiness. How could she ever think that? I stared into her deep brown eyes and for a moment, I wondered why Tiffany was thinking of how long we were going to live. I just told her I’m an immortal, but why is it that the first thing she asks me is whether she’s significant to me? I shoved it under.   

“Even if I wasn’t stuck on this island, I would never think you were unimportant. You give me affection and you care about me, I’d never find that insignificant so don’t think like that,” I kissed her forehead and she buried her face into my chest as my heart turned into a trembling mess. I closed my eyes and held her tightly. But she still has something on her mind and it’s bothering her.

Sunlight poured into the house from the wall of windows behind the bed and I forced my eyes to open, snuggling deeper against the sleeping Tiffany. I let out a soft groan. She fits so well. I was a little proud of myself for letting some things go, I wanted to her to know me as much as she’d accept. I sighed with a smile. I missed hugging someone and being hugged; Peter used to give the warmest hugs when he wanted. I blinked. If I have feelings for Tiffany, do I have to stop constantly thinking about Peter? I didn’t think about that. But I was still in love with him and he died not too long ago, was that okay? To have feelings for two people at once?

It never really happened with this much intensity, there were years in between my past lovers, they were always an appropriate amount of time apart. But here…it didn’t seem appropriate but I was still relishing the warmth and attention Tiffany gave me. Should I be slowing down? Isn’t it only right for me to mourn him? I carefully moved the sleeping woman to the other side of the bed and slipped out of the sheets. I should pay him a visit.

The skies were still tinted with orange and pink, sunrises were one of the most beautiful things for me. Peter was never patient enough to wait for a sunrise or never woke up in time. “At least I have this now,” I smiled slightly at the grave, turning the folded knife in my hand. “Last night Tiffany got really personal; she asked about you and if I still loved you. I do, but, sometimes I forget about everyone else except her…” It was challenging for me to say and I coughed up tears, leaning my eyes so they pressed into my knees. I’m always selfish, still in love with my past and wanting to move on with my future. How can I live with all of these weights on my heart?  How am I ever going to leave this island?! I threw my arm up and suddenly froze. Oh my God I almost threw away Peter’s knife. I softened my gaze and stared at it deeply. I didn’t want to part with it, but I didn’t want to hold onto it. I can’t keep holding onto you forever, do you understand? There’s someone else, if it’s not Tiffany then it’ll be another, but there’s going to be someone else who’ll love me more than you will. Every memory was just painful, all of it was tinged with the fact that I was left to suffer by these people who said that they loved me. Someone else will stay with me and let me leave this island and it’s not going to be you. My eyes burned for a moment as more tears dribbled down my chin. Even though it was painful the memories were still a part of me. But that doesn’t mean I’ll stop loving you. I won’t stop loving any of you, Alex, Lomeli, Chris, Han, Julius, Yi, Richard and Peter. I promise. It’s just time for me to put someone else’s feelings over my own; I have to be stronger for Tiffany. I opened the knife and stabbed the blade into the sand just above Peter’s grave. I stood up and brushed off my hands and pants.

“Were you with him?” I looked at Tiffany in the kitchen and felt all thoughts and feeling in my legs escape me. Holy cow. I had to support myself by falling into my hanging chair. It’s a good thing this is near the door. “What are you doing?”

“Are you…are you wearing my shirt? And if you are…please tell me that isn’t the only thing you’re wearing.” She played with the blue buttons and smiled at me shyly, her crescent moon eyes adding more fervor to my already blazing cheeks. Why can’t she ever wear more clothes if she’s so shy about it?! I wasn’t used to this, I admit, I’d probably played her part more often than be on this side of it. But I wasn’t a man and my reactions were surely funnier than theirs.

“I have on undergarments, thank you, but I was too lazy to put on pants and the shirt covers what it needs to.”

“You’re taller than me, it barely does its job,” I pointed to her and she shrugged, putting her hand on her waist. It only dragged the shirt up on her thigh and I tore my eyes away. Just don’t look, don’t look. OH NO I LOOKED AGAIN ASDF—. What is going on with me? Was my uality always this fluid?

“You were sitting out there with him, weren’t you?” she asked, walking closer to me with a sway in her hips. I blinked and stared into her eyes. I don’t think she’s looked more confident than in this moment, towering over me while knowing I was so enraptured by her. I suddenly felt stressed.

“Why do you need to know?” I felt the need to protect myself but I didn’t want to sound harsh. Tiffany leaned against the granite counter and sighed. I should apologize.

“I’m trying to get your attention, okay? You’re always distant and I know you’re probably thinking of him, I’m trying to understand you,” she grumbled and I stood up, unable to resist a quick scan down her legs. Oh my God those legs. Tiffany was just too alluring for me to handle, the innocence behind her actions made it so hard to resist her. She was different, not only because she was a woman, but she was a lot more emotional and it reminded me of me.  “And you like it when I do this.” Maybe it’s because all the men I’ve been with never chased me, Tiffany is chasing and it’s endearing.

“Maybe I do, but you shouldn’t resort to this if you want my attention, I might do something bad,” I leaned over her despite the fact she had an inch on me. The look in her eyes crumbled and I found a strange sense of power overcome me. She leaned back a little over the island and stopped shaking when I placed my hand on her waist and the other on her chest, buttoning up the rest of her shirt. She whimpered and something about it made me want to be aggressive with her. It was so different than what I was used to. “Are you always like this?” the question fell off my lips on an impulse but I realized I would like to know. How many people have seen this side of her? A rush of jealousy carved a path in my chest.

“N-not really, oh sweet jeez wait, Taeyeon.” Self-control was not an option; her clavicle couldn’t hide under the loose collar of my shirt, the softness of her skin was begging for me to touch her. My lips dipped into the curve of her collar, following the trail of the bone with my tongue and teeth. I didn’t want to stop. “Tae…” she gasped against my ear and it only pushed me further, the fact that she liked it.