I’m sorry for causing my surroundings pain. I’m sorry for not being able to catch you when you fell. I’m sorry, but this is my only way to let you go.

The moon was shining extra bright that night, glinting through my window, illuminating the dry stains on my face. It was one of those many nights. Nothing was particularly special about this moment besides the fact it would be my last. A faint smile covered my tired face as I gazed out across the dark city. The place I grew up and the place I would die.

The corner of my lips tugged up into an honest and peaceful smile, one of the rare ones. My fingers were jittery and shaky, almost aware of what’s coming next. Pulling up the long sleeves, my glance wandered from the vague scars on my arms to the recent newborn cuts on my wrists. My lips pulled up into a smile, once more. People would think I’m insane, psychotic, for hurting myself this way but what they don’t know is, that it helps me through the day. The sharp pain makes me smile and laugh like there’s no tomorrow. I can feel. I can cry.

Hiding my arms with the long sleeves, my smile fainted. I sat in the windowsill, looking at the remedies beside me that had been my loyal companions for the past months. My razor blade, sleeping pills and the slim leather band. Three retainers I could always count on when I needed them, they always knew how to cheer me up. Tilting my head to the side, I took the greasy leather band in between my fingers, memories from the last encounter roaming through my head. I smiled again.

It almost worked but I wasn’t strong enough to do it, a coward would be the correct adjective to describe my former persona. Now, I was of a different caliber, ready to withstand the physiological obstacles that might come during my attempt to say goodbye.

My attention turned from the object in my hands to the scattering, coming from the other side of the door. I pricked my ears.

It was vague but piercing, my mother’s sobs. No matter how hard she tried, she could never hide it. Perhaps, I should’ve learned her a thing or two, who knows? She could’ve been an Oscar-winning actress. Too late.

I ignored the obvious cries coming from the other side of the door, she had her problems, I had mine. We were so alike but so different.

Forget them, I always said to myself. Maybe, they were my parents by blood but they could never ever be my parents by heart,  I refused.

I put the leather string back to its rightful place before grasping the razor blade in my hand. The edge was slightly jagged and uneven, caused by the various times it had been in contact with my soft and begging skin, cutting through so smoothly. Wanting to feel the same ecstatic sensation, I let the razor slide through slowly as the moonlight displayed a spotlight, illuminating my act. I did the inconceivable, thinking about him when I knew those days were long gone. Vague memories there were no longer capable of giving comfort or making me believe in my future goals and happiness.

I’ve learned that happiness is not meant for everyone, me included.

Park Jimin, I have to let you go now.

Gritting my teeth, I felt the burning sensation warm up my entire arm as the red liquid flowed down like a peaceful little flood. The red color was beautiful. A great contrast to my otherwise white and milky skin.

If I could turn back time and make him disappear I would’ve done it. I would’ve erased all the agony that followed me, placing me where I was now.

I let the blade slide through my arm again, frowning in pain as all of our past memories flashed through my mind one last time.

~~

“In broad terms, can someone please explain me what meiosis is?” Mrs. Kwon turned her head downwards, her significant glasses from the 80’s falling further down onto her nasal bridge, looking for a prey to cast her black magic upon. All students seemed to be staring at different places, each and one hoping they wouldn’t get picked but you never knew with Mrs. Kwon. She could be your worst enemy and your greatest friend at the same.

On a monday like this, enemy would probably be the right relation.

As usual, she always ignored my extended arm, sighing when it was the same girl sitting up front who wanted to answer her question to an excessive degree. Someone had to answer the damn question, right? And when I knew the answer, why couldn’t she just pick me?

“Yes, Minjae.” She pointed at me with the piece of chalk in her hand, allowing me to finally answer the easy question I’ve memorized effortlessly when there was no other bids.

I sat on my chair properly, flashing her one of those perfect smiles. happy that she eventually made up her mind and chose me.

“Meiosis is a type of cell division that reduces the number of chromosomes in the parent cell by half and produces four gamete cells. This process is required to produce egg and cells for ual reproduction.” I finished of with a low nod, signaling that I was done with my response.

She smiled, satisfied as always. “Great, exactly.” She removed her eyes from me and looked around the quiet classroom. From the corner of my eyes I could see people yawning, playing with their fancy phones or even sleeping. In the background, I could hear a clique of girls having a conversation about a party that took place in the previous weekend. Nothing that I knew anything off.

“Choi Sanghee, mind to repeat the cl