A dull echo rolls through my head, a dark tunnel of fuzzy memories, then bright lights-

“B.I? B.I! Hanbin!” Bobby all but screams shaking me on one shoulder. I blink as the world comes crashing back. Everyone sitting at the table around me. A bowl of rice slightly off centered and an empty plate waiting to be filled.

I let out a small sigh, “huh, ah. Sorry.” I reach for the plate and start to pile some food on it.

“Are you doing okay? You’ve been quiet all dinner and even before that, you’ve been… somewhere else.” Jinhwan says his face covered with worry.

“Its weird…” Hanbin says rubbing his forehead. Bobby moves his arm off of my shoulder, a sudden chill making me shudder.

“What do you mean.” Bobby asks picking up his chopsticks.

The world feels as though it begins to shake then I hear ringing again. Suddenly I see myself, like some weird sort of out of body experience. Me and Bobby are in bright red coats and I look like an absolute mess. Bobby’s holding me and rubbing my back, I hear him for a brief moment, “I will always be by your side.” Then I am shaken again but not by someone something, a feeling of falling. My head slightly rings.

“Time… seems weird.” I said looking back up and seeing only Jinhwan at the table.

“Weird how? Like you’re having memories?” He asked. I shake my head and the world seems to shake as it goes from Jinhwan to Bobby and we are back at the table with the same bowl of rice I left.

“Some of it is memories, but it feels like I am missing moments, parts of time.” I reach down and pick up my chopsticks and poke at some side dishes.

Bobby pokes me in the arm lightly, “Amnesia?” He implies.

“No, no… the world kind of shakes and then I am elsewhere… I think I will be fine eventually.” I take a bit of kimchi and bring it to my mouth taking the small bit it waving my free hand at the others. “So… Want to fill me in on uh, what I’ve forgotten?” I ask.

Bobby and Jinhwan look at each other and everyone else remained weirdly quiet. Yunhyeong, Chanwoo and Donghyuk quietly get up with their plates and shuffle past into the other room.

Junhoe leans back in his chair and pats Bobby on his arm, “Well, we would… but its not really our choice B.I.” he says.

Jinhwan jumps in leaning on the table so he’s more in my view, “Yeah, doctors orders. It’s kind of up to you to remember what has happened. We can talk about things that you do remember, and stuff that’ll be going on for the next few weeks if you’d like. Or just, whatever.”

I can feel the anger burn within me, radiating heat because of what I can’t remember. ‘It feels so dark and alone again… Again? As if that had actually gone away at one point? That’s… something. When I wasn’t alone would have been.’ My eyes drift over to Bobby, and just as I see him, he’s staring back at me. I can’t tear my eyes away, but his eyes shift down to his bowl. This feeling of, anger? Resentment? Did he leave me? Was I really just always alone…

“Uh, I assumed because of me I wouldn’t really, well, be doing anything really.” I said laying the chopsticks down on the table. Jinhwan and Bobby nod slightly at the same time… annoying.

“I meant us, we still have work to do until you can get back on stage. So some days you might be home alone, but if we can help it someone might be able to stay behind to keep you company. We will just say your out sick from overworking on your songs. I am sure it will be alright." Jinhwan answers, wiping his hand across the table.

‘ah’ I don’t say anything really but a slight hum makes it way from my throat.

“Is there, anyone in particular youd want to stay behind?” He asks, right as he says that my brain fizzles. I look at Bobby.

“Junhoe…” I say abruptly… ‘ah I mean’ I feel everything slow down. The three of them collectively having these confused looks on their faces.

“Well it doesn’t have to be the same person all the time you know.” Jinhwan says letting out a small laugh.

“R-right.” I reply. I can feel that same heat but this time its not coming from me, peeking over to Bobby I see a small scowl slip from his lips as he turns down to his plate.

“If that’s what he wants, its what he wants Jinhwan.” Bobby says. Bobby suddenly stands up and grabs his empty bowl and placing it in the sink. He opens the fridge grabs a thing of juice and heads out within seconds it feels like.

“I- That… Is Bobby alright?” I ask looking at the now vacant chair that remains pushed out.

Junhoe stands, walking over to Bobby’s chair pushing it in and then pushing his in on his way out.

“Its… is it me?” I ask again my eyes feeling heavy.

Jinhwan puts his hands together, his face holding that look of worry just as it did when we pretended to be fighting. “It’s not you you Hanbin…” He says.

“Wha-“ I start in confusion only for him to lean toward me.

“What I mean, is before all this happened, before you lost your memory. You and Bobby, needed to talk. But what you were going to talk about, you forgot it all. I am sure he is upset with that, and now. Because now you guys can’t deal or fix whatever the hell-“ Again the haziness come back. Something between a thick fog and just empty yet heavy space around me. As if I could be nowhere and the sounds became nonexistent.

Everything was very faint, flowing in and out of this space, at first there would be no noise, then it would be deafening loudness.

Then there was a jumble of just words, “Don’t go-Just promise me- L-Like a date!- Hanbin- especially song lyrics personally made for them-“ Each of which sounded like Bobby…. And then I heard myself, only one stood out to me and was as clear as a church bell. “I was trying to say he’s you! You big idiot.”

The world roared to a screeching halt and I could feel my face red hot and my head in so much pain, my vision was blurry for a moment until sound came back along with feeling someone’s hands on my face.

I could hear Jinhwan, “Are you okay! Oh, please stop crying! What happened! Why did you suddenly start to cry?! Hanbin? Hanbin? Are you okay, gods please answer me!” I reached up to touch my face and felt his hands there trying to wipe away the tears.

“I- I am okay.” ‘Liar’ I sniffled and used my sleeves to wipe away at the tears. I have never really cried in front of anyone. This is bad. Hell could this even be counted as crying since I myself wasn’t even aware. “I don’t know. I had, heard something. Like they were memories but I didn’t see them it was only like audio surround sound… but just pieces.” I said pushing Jinhwan’s hands away.

I sat there until the tears stopped. It was quiet, nearly as quiet as where ever I was just moments ago. But Jinhwan was still in front of me, waiting. “Is, did I?”

“You were really out of it. Not crying per say until just now. Everyone else said night and went to bed. You answered night but you weren’t really there. That’s why I stayed. Are you sure you are okay? Do you want to talk about it?” He asked.

“Yes…. No. It wasn’t anything major. Muscle memory maybe? I- ugh I hate this.” I said leaning down on my elbows the dishes no longer on the table. Jinhwan gets up and moves over towards me rubbing my back.

“Whenever you want to talk I will listen. I- have no clue how this must be for you. Losing your memory like that. But please don’t hold back from talking to us. Alright?” He says.

I can feel my body move on its own, like some sort of autopilot. I hug Jinhwan, practically clawing at his sweater and I can feel my body shake. Tears flowing but this time I can feel everything. The confusion, sadness, even the anger. ‘I don’t want this. Whatever this is.’ Through my tears I can hear myself say, “I don’t know either, its like everything that’s happened no longer exists and I just… the music, the experiences, the moments its all gone.”

The only sound left in the entire house is my muffled sobs and Jinhwan quietly shushing me and rubbing my back until my sobs settle. It feels like only part of these tears are mine. Eventually Jinhwan moves back away from me a bit and looks down to me. “I am going to get you some water alright?” He says.

I just nod my hands falling limply onto the table. He moves to the fridge quickly going through it and walking back over. “Drink this, it’s already five in the morning. If you need any pain relief medicine there is some in the bathroom. Alright?” He says placing a bottle of water onto the table.

“Alone?” Slips past my lips and I can hear Jinhwan sudden pause in his movement.

“Do you want me to stay?” He asks after a few moments of silence.

“I-its been hard to sleep… I think maybe its because I am sleeping by myself again. I just…” I quietly say.

“I can sleep in your room tonight if you want, I just need my blanket and pillows-“ I cut him off.

“You can just use mine… we can share.” Again, he lets some time pass, there is a small clatter beside me and then he’s sitting in the chair.

“Alright, drink the god damn water. Then we are going to bed.”