Even though I'm on hiatus, I'm just here to finish my stories! <3

| O n – g o i n g s o n g |
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Spring had ended and summer had already begun; the start of another season. I waved with a fan to cool down and flipped another page of the boring book in my lap. I couldn’t really concentrate; partially because Eunhyuk kept me out of my concentration all the time.

“Why can’t it be C₁₈H₃₆O₂ instead of C₁₈H₃₄O₂? What’s the difference anyway?! Gosh!” Eunhyuk whined and shut his book. He stood up with a heavy sigh and turned the electronic fan on.

“Oleic acid is unsaturated…” Leeteuk murmured.

All three of us sighed at the same time before it was quiet again. Even though we had these scenes multiple times back in the old days, it did feel different now. With my lasting crush that just wouldn’t come to an end and our awkward way of moving on as friends. Together with me knowing about Leeteuk who makes his feelings more obvious little by little bit, which leaves me only feeling guilty. I wanted things to go back to how they were supposed to be. Or better, I wanted to have other friends to get back to and forget about Leeteuk and Eunhyuk for a while. I wondered why I’d never contacted Yu-Na this vacation.

I opened the cabinet next to my bed and held out a pink nail polish. Eunhyuk looked at me suspiciously and wrinkled his nostrils in what seemed a little disgusted manner. I opened the bottle and started doing my toenails.

“That stinks…” Eunhyuk pointed out, but it wasn’t heard. The only thing said was a sigh that sounded somewhat like ‘pfft…’ from Leeteuk but it was probably about the calculations in his book that he didn’t understand yet.

“I wanna do something fun! Let’s go to the beach again…” Eunhyuk bent forward enthusiastically and closed my nail polish in the process.

“We can’t, your mom said we had to tutor you until 5PM, Hyuk Jae…” I said firmly, realizing I used his real name.

I didn’t want to go to the beach. I didn’t want to have fun and feel attracted to him again. And I definitely didn’t want to see him in a swimming suit with his upper body exposed.
See, things were different when we were little but now I know everything will be awkward… all because of me and this silly crush of mine.
I know that if I’ll give in to this, it will backfire on me again someday… and then I’ll get jealous, hurt and frustrated as usual, only for the oblivious Hyuk Jae to try making things better again, which will then end up in me falling deeper and deeper.

I have to break this circle and I know I’m the only one able to do so.

I just wanted to forget him and move on… but it’s hard when his mother asks me to tutor him during summer vacation.
Deep in my mind I knew that we would never end. We’d always be stuck here with the three of us.

Twenty minutes later we were on the beach already.

“Aaah…” Eunhyuk let out a satisfied sigh, “’kay, be right back…”

“What’s he going to do?” I asked Leeteuk as I placed my bag on the white sand and watched as Eunhyuk walked away.

“He’s undressing, I guess…?” Leeteuk pointed at a bush far away and scratched the back of his head with his other hand.

“Ah…” I let out. We looked at each other for a moment and then Leeteuk bursted out laughing. I stayed quiet and turned around awkwardly to open my bag. I know, I was cold towards him. I hated it. But I couldn’t help him even though I wanted it so badly.

“I’m going over there, be right back!” Leeteuk ran away. I went to set up an umbrella and spread out a wide towel on the sandy ground. Then I put on my sunglasses and started reading a book. I wasn’t even halfway the page until Eunhyuk had returned in nothing but his swim trunks. I ignored him as he went to sit next to me.

“What are you doing? Aren’t you going swimming?!” Eunhyuk asked indignantly.

“Oh no… I don’t swim on beaches anymore; I think it’s dirty…” I said, realizing how it must have sounded. Maybe it had been better if I didn’t say that.

“Pft… it’s not dirty…” Eunhyuk snorted and went to lie next to me.

“Well, it’s just my opinion…” I tried to keep my voice low and calm.

“Okay then…” Eunhyuk retorted a little annoyed. It wasn’t that bad what I said, right?

For a really long and awkward moment, at least it seemed like that, it was quiet until Eunhyuk began again.

“So, are you going to read that all day long?!”

“Maybe…” I replied, not looking up.

“You’re so boring lately…”

That one hurt.

“WELL IF YOU THINK I’M SO BORING, WHY ASKING ME TO GO TO THE BEACH THEN?!” I snapped, shutting the book in the process. I realized I had ruined it. Did we just have our first fight?

We looked at each other. He was struck by confusion and disappointment. That one had hurt him for sure.

“Aren’t we friends…?” Eunhyuk asked softly.

I sighed. “Of course we’re friends but I just don’t feel like swimming now, okay?” I lied down and held the book in front of my face to hide the tears that were threatening to come out of my eyes.

“That’s okay…” Eunhyuk patted my head in a gentle manner and went to lie down again.

And of course it was quiet again. I looked around me and noticed there were an absurd amount of couples surrounding us. Without even trying I started observing them automatically. They were all talking and having a good time. Some guys were putting sunscreen on their girl’s backs. I decided to stop paying attention from this point on and continued reading my book. I had not completed one sentence until I was out of my concentration again. Slowly I let my eyes drift to the top of my book and took a small peak at Eunhyuk. He was shamelessly lying on the ground, staring at the sky with his legs sprawled out in the sand.
We were nothing like the couples around us. Comparing to them I felt like Eunhyuk’s nanny sometimes.
But of course, we had nothing…
I was mad at myself for thinking about it again.

I heard a small thud on the other side next to me and realized Leeteuk had returned.

“Aren’t you going swimming, Na-Young?” He asked.

“No, I don’t really feel like swimming…”

“Okay.” He smiled and looked at Eunhyuk right after. “Eunhyuk-ah, remember just one hour! Then we go back to study…”

Eunhyuk sighed “Of course… I couldn’t face my mother if she’d come back and realized I wasn’t making my homework.” Eunhyuk giggled and went to stand up. For the first time my eyes caught his legs. They were big and strong and golden white. I never noticed them until now, or they just weren’t there before. I guessed the second.

“Alright… who reaches the water first.” Leeteuk said and in less than a second they were gone.

I watched as they ran. While Leeteuk was trying to avoid passengers, towels, bags and clothes, Eunhyuk jumped right over a group of girls.
I turned around and continued reading my book only to be remembered about how boring it was again.
After a while I looked at Leeteuk and Eunhyuk who were far in the water already and wondered what they would be talking about. I wondered what guys in general would be talking about to each other. Beside video games that Leeteuk didn’t play, what would they be talking about now that they are grown up more? About girls…? I hoped not…
I sighed and searched for my phone in my bag. Out of boredom I started scrolling through the calling list and stopped at Yu-Na’s number. I should call her once… But not now…

“No, I don’t want to go…” I said.

“But we still have time before my mum comes back…” Eunhyuk whined. “Please…?” His voice went lighter suddenly. Leeteuk bursted out laughing and I couldn’t help but smile a little although I didn’t feel like it at all.

“No, I’m sorry… I’m tired…” I said again.

Eunhyuk sighed. “Like always…” He threw his stuff in his bag and started walking away in defeat.

“Stop acting like that, Eunhyuk!” Leeteuk exclaimed, “it’s her condition that counts…if she doesn’t want to go to Starbucks then we should respect that.”

“No, I want to go home!” I said angrily and packed my stuff as well. Eunhyuk and Leeteuk looked at me in confusion as I harshly threw my bag over the handle bars of my bike.

“Are you angry?” Eunhyuk said softly. “I’m sorry Na-Young…” He stepped forward and put his arms around my shoulders in an overdone friendly manner but I pushed him away this time.

“Why can’t you just act normal?!” I yelled frustrated. He looked at me even more puzzled.

“I’m sorry…” I said and raced away in speed. I didn’t know how fast I was gone. I knew I had left them both in confusion but I just didn’t know how to behave in front of them. They didn’t know what they were doing. Well, maybe Leeteuk knew, but Eunhyuk was ignorant.
Like he had always been... I started crying again, only real tears this time. The wind blew them away as I accelerated speed on my bike again. When I reached home I was out of breath. My chest hurt again… Before I knew I was coughing, trying to get rid of the pain deep inside. I stopped when my hand caught my eyes. I stared in horror at the red liquid rolling through the little cleft in my hand and to my wrist.
I knew this was not right! I wondered how much of it was actually blood and how much was saliva but I was worried nonetheless. I had to tell someone! But who…? I didn’t want to be the reason for my parents to interrupt their important business in the States for the second time this year…

Then I remembered the doctor’s words again. I had to take things easy and not stress myself because I was probably still in rehabilitation. I knew what I had to do; forget Eunhyuk and Leeteuk for a while. Next time his mother asks me to tutor him, I will say no. I will really say no this time…

Weeks passed by and months passed by. I hardly spoke to both of them and I think Leeteuk knew I was avoiding him. I always walked up to Yu-Na and I knew he knew I knew he would leave us alone then, because he was simply too shy to be around her after she had confessed to him half a year ago.
We were in our exam year now and I was happy the schedules weren’t that tiring and long anymore. They gave us a lot of free time to prepare for ourselves. Yu-Na and I were always walking together. Sometimes we went to my house to study and sometimes the local library, but never her house, since her brother liked playing loud rock music every afternoon.

Slowly I began to notice that I felt better by the day. Eunhyuk and Leeteuk as well... Leeteuk spent more time with his friends in his art classes and sought for me less as time passed by. I realized he had moved on. Eunhyuk’s story was like usual.
This all though didn’t make me forget about Eunhyuk or Leeteuk. I simply couldn’t, I always thought about if Eunhyuk would spend his free time wisely or if he would waste it. I knew Leeteuk would work hard, but I wondered if he wasn’t lonely or stressing himself too much.

I felt really guilty. No one knew I cried about it every night, to know that I could change things for Eunhyuk but that I was just too selfish to only think about my own problem. And to know that the three of us were really growing apart now; it was killing me. And it was my entire fault.