| L o v e s i c k |
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I had stayed in bed that whole day, I just didn’t want to get out and do something. As soon as I had reached home, the emotions were coming out. I couldn’t stop crying and I didn’t even really know why, maybe I was depressed. Maybe everything in my life was just a little too much at the moment, my parents being away, the winter coldness, school work and on top of that… I was sick, I admit it… love sick.
I checked my phone, I had 5 text messages. They were all from Leeteuk. Eunhyuk hadn’t texted once. Of course not, because he didn’t know about anything and he was probably busy.

Because there was nothing to do I started reading them, not planning to reply yet. Most of it was advices to eat and drink enough and what, and the time I should sleep, except for the last one. Leeteuk said Eunhyuk was probably going to bring my homework this afternoon since he had soccer practice after school and my house was on the way to the soccer field.
I jumped up, my eyes almost popped out. Something inside me was getting excited. Really, too excited for me to understand…
Hurriedly I stumbled over to the closet. My head was spinning and I felt sick. I changed into some normal clothes and went over to the bathroom to brush my hair. I stared at myself in the mirror. I looked reckless and tired. I put on some make-up but I still had the same dull look on my face afterwards, maybe I just wasn’t that pretty…
I put on more make-up. Before I knew I had been staring at myself for more than half an hour when the doorbell rang.
Something inside me made a jump. I rushed down the stairs but my enthusiasm rapidly made way for disappointment; it was not Eunhyuk in front of my door, but Leeteuk.

“Hey…” He smiled “How are you now? Better?” He stepped inside and laid his hand against my forehead.

I nodded slowly, but it wasn’t true…

“Eunhyuk couldn’t make it, he was in a hurry and with friends so I brought it instead, the English teacher said that she’ll expect your essay next week.”

Oh shoot! I had totally forgotten that essay I was supposed to hand in that day. I nodded again and looked down. I was indirectly lying to my best friend about me being sick and I just couldn’t do it to his face.

“Hey… you don’t have to be so down when you’re sick…” He laughed and tried to make eye contact.

“I’m no-…” my voice broke, and my tears were coming. I was crying.

“Hey what’s wrong?” Leeteuk looked oblivious.

“I don’t know why I’m crying…” I shook my head, “I’m just a little depressed…”

“Don’t worry Na-Young…” He wrapped his arms around my shoulders. “Gwenchana… the teachers will understand when you’re behind, we all have our moments and right now you have yours…”

It helped for me to calm down, although he didn’t understand what was going on. After he had left I started doing my homework. I wrote my essay and afterwards I started working for the philosophy test. I worked all night until my eyelids began to feel heavy and I literally fell asleep on top of my books.

This time my cheek was all red when I woke up, but it wasn’t morning… it was just two hours later. I brushed my teeth and went to bed immediately.

In the morning I felt so weak, I mean mentally... I was too tired to get to school I was certain; I just knew I would collapse halfway and turn back.
After some indecisive moments, I hobbled to the bathroom and let the water fill the tub. I took off my clothes and went to lie inside, immovable, like a statue. Feeling how the warmth penetrated my skin until it stung increasingly from the heat...but I bore it.
It reminded me of yesterday, how everything was fine and carefree and then suddenly…

Blankly I stared off in front of me, while I lay in the tub, careless. It was already too late if I went out and hurried to school right now, so I might as well stay a little longer.

My feet played with the water, childishly throwing it over one another repeatedly. I looked down at my body. I was pale, bleak. I was skinny, too skinny in my opinion. My flesh directly covered my bones.
But on this fragile body were undoubtedly and irrevocably showing the first signs of womanhood. I touched the little raised spots above my belly and slightly squeezed them, they were increasingly growing now, I was certain about that. My legs were different as well, long and thin.
I didn’t want them… neither did I like the little hair growing beneath.
They made me feel different from Eunhyuk, or Leeteuk… and thus more distant! Of course there had always been differences between us, but they had made us all unique and fitting somehow. It was now that we went through puberty, I realized, that everything started to change.
A little frustrated I climbed out of the tub and took hold of the scissors; I cut all the hair beneath, everything, until it was all gone…
I tightened my grip around a strand of hair on my head and placed it between the scissors, as if daring myself to do it. But in the end I decided to just let things how they were…

I looked at my body in the mirror. I looked like a freak, slender as I was. Nobody would like to be with someone like that.
I dressed myself and went downstairs, there was still pie left from Christmas. I started to eat it from the scale without taking the time to get a plate.
Before I knew it I ate it all.
I felt better already.
I the heater and the television and relaxed on the sofa. There was a funny comedy show. I laughed along and out loud almost every second until I was getting tired and dozed off.
I jumped in shock when the telephone rang and created a deafening noise in this house of total silence. I hurried to the phone and picked it up. I heard the school’s background.

“Na-Young, where are you? Are you still sick?” It was Leeteuk. Secretly I wondered if Eunhyuk was standing next to Leeteuk.

Yes, I had lied. I said I thought it was some kind of virus. That’s the problem when you lie once; from one thing comes the other and before you know you’re completely fooling the whole thing.

It had taken four days before I went to school again…It was a Friday morning and I walked alone. At school I met up with Leeteuk. He was talking to a guy from his art classes, the three of us walked inside. I wasn’t looking up and around me, afraid to spot Eunhyuk with some girl somewhere. I didn’t want to get hurt again…
The first class was physics, it was hard to concentrate because I had missed the last days and I hadn’t made any homework so I didn’t understand anything the teacher said.
Leeteuk seemed to be absorbed into the teacher’s explanation of some problem.
I poked his upper arm with my pencil. He turned to me.

“Your mouth is hanging open…” I whispered.

He started giggling, his shoulders going up and down. I couldn’t help but burst out as well.

“Chiyo!” the teacher screamed. I was shocked; an adrenaline rush went through my veins.

“Would you like to step up and solve this problem for me, since you have been paying attention very well?!” She emphasised the last bit. Several people started laughing here and there. Hesitantly I hobbled over to the white board with my book in my hands. I started examining everything she had written on there. I knew it had something to do with induced voltage but I hadn’t studied this particular aspect in the book.
Hastily I scanned my book, when someone stepped into the classroom. No two people…

“Eunhyuk, you’re late… and Sunmi as well!”

I jumped and looked up when I heard his name. He shot me a quick glance as in noticing me, before he explained the teacher why he was late. He and Sunmi went to sit next to each other in the back of the class room. I stared at them as they walked together and whispered things to each other. It hadn’t been the same girl he was hugging Monday. I looked at him and felt tears stinging my eyes. I hadn’t seen him all week. I hadn’t even talked to him. No, he hadn’t even talked to me while I was sick…

“Ms. Chiyo… we’re still waiting…” The teacher was impatiently ticking a measuring rod on the surface of the table she was half sitting on and half leaning against.

“I don’t know the answer, I’m sorry…” I bowed to her.

“Well then I guess I’ll see you in detention after school, how late does your last class end?”

“6PM mrs. Kim…” I replied muttering. A few people gasped. No one in my class had philosophy, which was scheduled after the last hour every Friday because of the large minority of people taking it.
The teacher seemed puzzled as well. Her face muscles softened.

“Well…we’ll make it quick then…” she finally responded. “You can go back to your spot… is there anyone else who is smart enough to solve it?”

Disappointed in everything, I hurried back to my seat. I felt devastated on the inside and Leeteuk noticed.

“Are you okay?” He whispered.

I nodded slightly, afraid of what would happen if the teacher would notice we had interaction again!
For the whole hour I had managed to stay quiet. After class Leeteuk and I walked out together. Suddenly two hands were resting on my shoulders from behind. I looked around me, it was Eunhyuk.

“Na-Young, where have you been?” He smiled.

“I wanted to ask you that!” I replied harshly before I realized I didn’t really have a decent reason to be angry, except that we hadn’t talked for a week but it didn’t seem to be an issue for him.

He looked dazed. “Oh there is a big match today…” he replied hesitantly with a printed enthusiasm. “Were you sick?” He asked.

“Of course I was! Why do you think I’m not in school?!” Here we go again…
I had no control over this unconscious urge to act cold against him. His face dropped and he raised his eyebrow.

“Well… okay, glad you’re okay now… you really need to be in school until 6PM? And then you have detention?! Poor you, that !” He emphasised the last bit and pulled a disgusting face.

Nice way to rub dirt in it, and shouldn’t he know by now that I have school ‘till 6 every Friday?!

“Well yeah…” I let out in a monotone voice. “I’m going to the toilet…” I let out and walked away, leaving Leeteuk and Eunhyuk silent.