Jongdae sat under a tree in the courtyard, picking at a small fruit salad on his tray from the cafeteria. He sighed for the millionth time that day, and leaned his head back on the tree stump behind him.

“Hey nerd, aren’t cha afraid of the bugs everywhere? Why are you sitting over here?” Yuji crouched hesitantly next to him, warily peering around for crawly insects and mosquitos. She gave in, plopping on the grass.

“The weather’s nice. And bugs don’t like me.” Jongdae turned his face towards her and gave an exaggerated pout.

“I wouldn’t blame them.”

Jongdae lightly punched her on the shoulder and sighed again for good measure. “Mom’s been watching online what I eat in the cafeteria and wanted me to cut down on unnecessary fatty foods, like French fries and chips and ice cream. Everything in my world has turned upside down. Life is now bleak and worthless.” He gazed to the vegetable and fruit salad on his plate forlornly.

“Gross. Here.” She handed him a bag of chips from her lunch sack.

Jongdae sat upright, feeling confused, and then froze, his eyes bulging from the sockets. “Are you giving me your food?”

Yuji rolled her eyes. “No, I’m making you hold it for a while until I feel like eating it.” She pulled out a sandwich from the sack and began munching on it. 

Jongdae remained in the same position, staring at her incredulously. “You like eating these, though.”

“Yeah, and?” Yuji responded muffled, full of food, but at this moment Jongdae didn’t care about how disgusting that looked.

He held his gaze at her for a moment and launched his body over to her, embracing her full force.

Yuji grunted at the impact and yelled, “You almost made me drop my food!”

Jongdae grinned, his eyes feeling watery. This had to be the first time Yuji ever shared food with him, possibly with anyone, ever. He squeezed her tighter.  “You rock my world, you know that Yuji?”

“Tell me something I don’t know,” she scoffed before shoving him off.

Jongdae chewed the chips wordlessly, reminiscing old times. Which happened in the span of freshman year till now.

*A Month After Meeting Jongdae’s Group of Friends, Hanging Out at Baekhyun’s House*

“Yuji, I think I like you the best in this group, you’re so nice to me.” Kyungsoo smiled at her, making sure his voice was loud enough for Yixing to hear. He continued after hearing Yixing distantly protesting, “I also notice you are eating the last of the snickerdoodles. Yixing ate three and I didn’t get to have any.” Kyungsoo pouted for good measure. “Can I have a bite of yours?”

“No.” Yuji continued eating as though Kyungsoo never spoke to her.

Kyungsoo leaned closer, trying his best to imitate the puppy dog look his younger cousin gives him. “Please~ Just one small bite!”

“No thanks.” Yuji walked off to eat next to someone else.

Kyungsoo’s mouth gaped. She was so blunt, he thought. He squinted his eyes at the mocking laughter from Yixing.

*Jongdae Eating Dessert at Yuji’s Family Party*

“Are you sure your parents are okay with me being here?” Jongdae quietly asked Yuji.

“Duh,” Yuji responded, “Look at all these relatives! There are so many people, they don’t mind."

“Okay,” Jongdae shrunk in his seat. He felt uncomfortable whenever the uncles and aunts spoke to him, asking him who he was and how he likes school. He tried his best to hide behind Yuji.

“Yuji Yuji!” A high pitched voice called behind them. A small boy who looked 5 years old stood beside Yuji, staring at her plate of desserts. “Gimme the orange cupcake!”

“Jeongshin! There you are!” The little boy’s mother ran to him and held his head. “I thought I said not to stay away from mommy, right? Oh, hi Yuji!”

Yuji bowed her head, and Jongdae managed to avoid eye contact with the auntie.

“I want orange cupcake!” Jeongshin whined, making grabby hands towards Yuji’s plate.

“You want some? Yuji, do you think he could try a bite of –” Jeongshin’s mother stopped short.

Yuji stuffed the entire cupcake into while the auntie spoke. Jeongshin began to cry.

“Okay, okay, mommy will get you a different one, okay?” Jeongshin’s mother gently pushed him a different direction, turning around a couple times to give Yuji a disapproving look.

Jongdae gave Yuji a pointed glance, raising one eyebrow.

“Wha?” Yuji spoke with full.

“Even to little kids?” Jongdae glanced back to see if he could find Jeongshin, hopefully not crying anymore.

“He can get his own over at the counter, and his mom knows that, so I don’t see the issue with me trying to enjoy my own cupcake!” Yuji wiped her lips, but her teeth were orange from the frosting.

Jongdae sighed, “Oh, Yuji.”  

*Monday After School at the Running Track*

Jongdae sprinted as fast as he could, passing the finish line for his last lap. He bent over with his hands on his legs, heaving for more air.

“Don’t faint on me now. I don’t want to be liable for carrying you home.”

Jongdae looked up to see Yuji sipping on a blue raspberry slushie. “Hey, Ji.”

Yuji gasped. She gripped her head and winced in pain for a few seconds. Brain freeze. “Why are you running?”

“I’m thinking about joining the track team in the fall. Maybe doing long distance? Might give me motivation to exercise.” Jongdae wiped sweat onto his t-shirt.

“Cool.” Yuji continued to slurp her blue beverage.

“Can I get a sip of that? I’m parched.” Jongdae stepped towards her and reached for the cup.

Yuji yanked it out of his reach. “Uh… no… you can’t. I’ve got, uh, germs. I’m sick.”

“No, you’re not! You were fine in class today!” Jongdae stepped even closer, but Yuji took several steps back.

“Yeah, I, uh, just caught it. Whoops! Look at the time! Gotta go!” Yuji hightailed out of the place, running away from him as fast as she could.

Jongdae stared in the distance as her figure became smaller, not even possessing the energy to chase after her.

“Hey! Hey!”

Jongdae startled at the fingers snapping in his face.

“I was talking about my homeroom teacher and you weren’t paying attention. What’re thinking about?”

Jongdae stared back at her and laughed. “You’re just so precious to me, Yuji!”

Yuji flicked him on the forehead. “Ugh, just shut up and pay attention to my story, you dweeb.”

1:35 am on Thursday

“Jongdae, do you ever question your existence?”

Jongdae placed his pencil down on his worksheet, and sighed. Tonight’s going to be another suddenly-personal-and-weird-night. Now he’s just got to figure out which one it’ll be. “I did once, and it was when I learned that Earth it just a molecule of the universe’s size. But after that, not really. Are you doing that now?”

“Yes…” he noticed a slight hesitance in her voice, and imagined her looking off into the distance. “I’ve been doing that a lot lately. I question everything.”

“Okay, and?” Jongdae removed his phone between his shoulder and ear and positioned it on his desk, pressing the speaker button. He continued his math problems.

“It’s just… well… okay, get this. So this guy in my literature class gave a presentation about happiness and why humans typically strive for their own personal happiness as a future goal. And it just stumbled me. Why do we want to have happiness so bad? I get that it’s a great feeling and all, but people online say that it’s a reason for existing. We exist to be happy. And then a thought struck me, why do we exist? What’s the point of living?”

“Hmm.” Jongdae didn’t quite know what to say to that. What was the purpose of life? “I wish I had the answers, Ji, but I am not sure what that’ll be. Perhaps it’s that Domino effect or something, every person matters because every little action affects another.”

“See! I considered that. We are only human cogs in the machine of society. But then why are people so worked up about being useless or unworthy, like there’s nothing valuable about them? Why do people think in terms of being valuable or not? People are not things…”

“You’re right, people are not things. Which is why slavery is illegal,” Jongdae added. He cursed under his breath and erased his work on his homework. He subconsciously jotted down random words of what Yuji said.

“But society dictates that people are worthless if they bring no value to society, like if you don’t have a function, then no one cares, you know? I’d like to say that everyone matters in this world. Because you know what? I hate that there’s a belief that you have to work for the benefit of others to be worthwhile. Because I’ve heard another idea that people should work towards building themselves up, and that they need to put themselves before others! But then that conflicts with my own morality, because I view that as being selfish, but at the same time, I believe that you shouldn’t have to do anything for anyone to mean something! I don’t even know where I’m going with this…”

“Yuji,” Jongdae set his pencil back down and sighed, “I think it’s time that you should go to bed. You’re going to stay up and stress yourself over nothing.”

“I feel like a hypocrite with my conflicting thoughts.” Yuji groaned. “Why can’t I have a simple and ignorant brain?”

Jongdae coughed, “You do have one.”

“Hey!”

Jongdae continued, “But there is a time for being selfish and a time for being selfless. It doesn’t always have to be one or the other all the time. Everything depends on the situation.”

“HA! That’s were another thought begins!”

Jongdae picked up the phone and undid the speaker function. He leaned back in his chair, rubbing his eyes. “Go on.”

“Who dictates morality of when selfishness is right or wrong? Society! But then wouldn’t that mean that every value ever believed is just a social construct? There’s no right and wrong in actuality, just what society says is right or wrong! Everything we have believed since birth fed to us was a lie! Or fake, at least. But why does this exist? For the government or whatever authority to keep the masses in check and to power over them! The reasons that we so staunchly believe as logic is a tactic to keep us tamed and controlled! There is no free will, Jongdae! There’s no –”

“Yuji! You’re starting to sound like a dystopian novel author or a conspirator. But you’re kind of convincing me too…” Jongdae side-eyed the clock on his nightstand. 2:13 am. “Actually, it’s probably just sleep deprivation. Go to sleep, Yuji! Don’t consume over these thoughts and sleep well, okay?”

“Ehh… I am constantly in turmoil over the human race’s existence, Jongdae. It’s unstoppable.” Yuji’s voice had already started softening, a sign that she’s ready to hit the sack. Yuji yawned.

Jongdae chuckled, yawning as well. “Good night, Ji. See you tomorrow.” He hung up the call and glanced at his homework progress. It was barely halfway done. He probably spent a good few hours wasting time by listening to Yuji ramble nonsense. He shrugged and snuggled into bed. He’ll just cram the rest in the morning before class.