Everything goes complicated after that.

               Zitao is determined, thinks of his free times and ponders deeply if he should go and see Jongdae one last time to apologize – properly, this time, without him overcome by an urge to press their lips together. He didn't know what came over him at that time, he was sure that he wanted to see Jongdae for one specific reason, and that was to apologize to him for whatever happened during that double date and explain to him as to why he thought not being together was a good decision.

               But when he saw Jongdae, small, fragile, he couldn't even say a word. In that very moment when he got to see him again, Zitao's brain had short circuited, his mind blank, and he almost forgot the reason why he went to his apartment in the first place. He thought he was prepared, he thought he had all the right things to say ready in his mind, however when he walked in, he struggled to find the right words to say. Everything he thought of earlier had vanished, and Zitao wondered if it was because he had gone nervous, which was understandable, or if there was actually another reason as to why he couldn't form a single thing to say.

               And then the kiss. Zitao honestly didn't know what made him do it. He was overcome by a strong feeling of want and desire that he just walked up to the smaller male and pinned him against the kitchen counter, and Zitao was too caught up in trying to find the right words to say that when Jongdae asked him if he was alright he didn't know what to do but to kiss him. In the back of his mind he knew this was not his best decision but to have Jongdae's lips against his, to have Jongdae open his mouth so he could push his tongue inside, to have Jongdae's moans vibrating against his lips, Zitao felt as if nothing in the world even mattered anymore. His mind was drifting far away, he was deaf to the real world, he was–

               Slapped. The sharp pain sent him back to reality where he's wrapping Jongdae's legs around his waist and then he took a step back immediately, shocked with himself. More importantly, angry with himself. Why did he do it? Didn't he come here to talk? Wasn't he just here to regain the other's trust?

               Well he was, but this was not the right way to do it. Before he knew it Jongdae was in tears, and Zitao has never felt even more pained in his whole life. Zitao was a doctor, his duty was to help people as much as he can, not pain them any more than they already are. In that current situation, Zitao had realized how much he messed up, how much he complicated things, acted like he was the reasonable one but now, Zitao doesn't even know why he did all the things he did.

               He felt like an idiot.

               He remembers he still has Jongdae's phone number, and tries to call him from time to time, leaves him a message, asks him again if he can see him so he could apologize to him and explain. Everything is of course, ignored. He gets occupied with the thought that he can't even concentrate in work, and the next thing he knows is that Byun Baekhyun offers to take him out to coffee because he looks 'distracted'. Apparently some of his patients had asked the receptionists if he was alright after their appointment with him, saying he wasn't 'physically there' and that he was 'like a lost lamb'.

               Zitao couldn't let people worry about him now. Not after what he's done to Jongdae, so he takes the offer, lets Baekhyun take him out despite the ulterior motives Zitao knows he has. When they arrive in the coffee shop, however, Zitao is surprised to find Lu Han there, arms folded over his chest and an angry pout settled on his lips. Zitao knows better than anyone that that is never a good sign.

               He hasn't even ordered a drink yet but Baekhyun pushes him to a nearby table, and when he looks at the person sitting across him Zitao loses the ability to speak.

               Jongdae is just as surprised as he is, eyes widened with shock and horror, looking towards Lu Han and Baekhyun for an explanation. Zitao does the same thing, all too aware of Jongdae's presence in front of him.

               Lu Han lays a palm on their table and sighs heavily. “You two need to talk.” Is all he says before he leaves the coffee shop with Baekhyun. He doesn't mention any details, does not elaborate and yet Zitao knows what he means. He's sure Jongdae does too, because after they leave, Jongdae looks up at him with an irritated look.

               “You know what, fine.” Jongdae says, voice sounding like he's close to crying again. “I can't take this anymore.” He begins, “I remembered the first time we met. You didn't.”

               Zitao presses his lips into a thin line.

               “I've liked you since the first time we met. You didn't. I wanted to be with you. You didn't. I–”

               “You're wrong.” Zitao cuts him off. This is a chance for him to talk to Jongdae again, and he is not going to back down. “I did like you. Look, I still like you. It's the only reason why I even put in effort to try and see you again.” He sighs in frustration. “It''s just that... It bothers me a lot, knowing that you and I have slept together before. I think you know that by now, and all things aside, I just want you to know that I never stopped hating myself for that. I just wish things could work out differently, I just wish I had approached things differently but now, sitting here with you is like a slap on the face, because I messed everything up.”

               “Don't you get it? We're supposed to sort this mess out. Together.” Jongdae says, and Zitao realizes he has a point. As much as his heart told him that Jongdae is nowhere near wrong, his stupid mind says otherwise. There is truth in Jongdae's voice, behind his words, and yet Zitao can't push past the thought.

               “I'm sorry, Jongdae.” Zitao apologizes. “I don't think I want to.”

               He hears the sigh of disappointment that comes out of Jongdae's mouth the moment he says that, and he averts his gaze from Jongdae's eyes.

               “For the record,” Jongdae speaks up. “You're being very stubborn right now.”

               He leaves, and Zitao tries his best to ignore the pain he felt at those last words.

~

There was a loud knock in the middle of the night.

               Pulling at the strings of consciousness, Zitao sits up on his bed and rubs his eyes before realizing that someone was outside his door. He swings his legs over the edge of the bed and stands upright, his feet dragging against the floor as he walks into the darkness of his living room to unlock the door. He is tired, his eyelids still heavy from the sleep but when he finally manages to open the door his eyes snap wide open and he suddenly doesn't feel tired anymore.

               A struggling Lu Han and an unconscious Jongdae in his arms greets him, and Zitao stares at the two incredulously before Lu Han yells at him, telling him to give him a hand. “R-right...” Zitao stammers, his mind clearly not functioning well at this point. He wraps an arm around Jongdae's back, hooks another arm under his knees and easily lifts him up bridal style, walks over to his room while Lu Han follows him.

               “God, Lu Han, what did you do?” Zitao asks, gently lowering Jongdae onto the bed. 

               Lu Han gives him an offended look when he turns to look at him. “You think I did this?” He asks, and Zitao gives him an unamused look. “Hey, I can be crazy at times but I wouldn't go as far as to make my best friend unconscious.” He runs his fingers through his hair and sighs deeply. “Okay, listen. You know his boyfriend, right?”

               “...Yes.”

               “Alright, so...” He looks over to Jongdae. “This boyfriend of his has been spending quite a lot of time at our place, and I had this bad feeling about him so I don't sleep at my apartment because of him.” The tone that Lu Han uses makes him sound worried, and Zitao knows better than anyone not to question it. “Then, one day, I sat him down. I told Jongdae that I didn't trust this guy, that something feels off about him and that Jongdae should listen to me but he didn't.

               He went on another date with this guy saying 'it feels right' or whatever and I couldn't stop him because I had plans with Sehun. A few hours into our date, we left and went to a bar just for a drink. We found Jongdae there and he was piss drunk.” Lu Han finishes, then reaches a hand out to comb his fingers through Jongdae's hair. “I talked to him and from his drunk talking all I could tell is that his 'boyfriend' here ditched him at the bar to sleep with someone else. He figured it was the end of the world and just started drinking. Turns out what Jongdae thought was going to be a serious relationship turned into him being humiliated.”

               “Ah.... I see....” He nods his head. He's seen Lu Han like this from time to time, and he knows that the reason why he's so worried is because it pains him to see Jongdae like that, to see someone he truly cared get crushed and kicked around like he was worthless. “So... Why did you bring him here?”

               Lu Han gives him a skeptical look, as if the answer isn't as obvious. “He's unconscious? And you're the only doctor I know?”

               Zitao huffs at the response. He should have expected that. Why did it come out as a surprise? He nods his head at the older male and reached a hand out to give his shoulder a squeeze. “Don't worry, ge. I'll take care of him. You can go continue things with Sehun.” Lu Han looks up at him with hopeful eyes, and Zitao smiles at him as if to assure him that Jongdae is in good hands.

               “Thank you so much, Zitao.” He beams, “I hope this doesn't make things so awkward between the two of you.” He turns to walk out of the door but stops for a moment, turns his head to look at Zitao again. “Could you clean his shirt, please? He puked on the way here and his shirt got a bit... messy. I'll bring spare clothes tomorrow.”

               With that, the older male is gone, and Zitao is left alone with Jongdae deep asleep in his bed. He rubs his eyes and heaves out a sigh before he begins.

               Browsing through his wardrobe, Zitao searches for a shirt for Jongdae to wear in the mean time and ends up pulling out one of his favourites. He walks over to the bed and forces himself to settle in between Jongdae's legs so he could take off his dirty clothes. Zitao is careful, fingers moving with cautiousness as he s Jongdae's shirt, gently tug it off before Jongdae is fully shirtless underneath him.

               Zitao gulps.

               As he runs a calloused palm over the softness of Jongdae's stomach, he begins to question himself – did he really sleep with him? Did he really hold Jongdae close to him in all those times? Did he really touch his body? Took care of him? Zitao can't believe it – how could he ever forget about sleeping with someone who looks as stunning as this? Jongdae is gorgeous, he is so small, Zitao could easily break him but he won't.

               Zitao snaps out of his thoughts and stares at Jongdae a couple more seconds, his mind recalling the times he's messed things up. He wants nothing more than to wish for Jongdae's happiness. He knows he could easily provide that but for now... He can't. Things have gone too complicated and he knows that the last thing Jongdae wants is to face his rejection. 

~

Jongdae can't help but realize the familiar looking room when he wakes up.

               He sits up straight in the blink of an eye, but he cradles his head immediately when he feels an excruciating pain in his head. He sighs deeply and looks around him, cautious and wary as he tries to trace back to whaever happened the night before.

               Oh right. That jerk.

               All the anger he felt that night – from when that jerk found someone else to screw with, from when that jerk just ditched him like he wasn't important to him – was easily overcome by confusion, because as soon as Jongdae finishes putting up the pieces together he notices that he doesn't know how he got to Zitao's place. He didn't... He didn't sleep with him again, didn't he?

               Jongdae looks down at his shirt and realizes that it does not belong to him, but most probably Zitao, and Jongdae asks himself all over again if he really did sleep with Zitao again. Did he call Zitao to pick him up? Did he walk to Zitao's apartment? Was Zitao in the bar with him? How did he get here? It's not like he wants to be here, and he's damn sure that being drunk had nothing to do with this. Or did it? 

               When he walks out of the door he finds Zitao on the sofa, hair ruffled and eyes tired, possibly because of sleeping on the sofa all night – wait, so Jongdae didn't sleep with him?

               Zitao turns his head and is surprised when he realizes that Jongdae is awake, standing at his doorstep. Jongdae opens his mouth to ask a question but before he knows it he is hit with a sharp pain in his head and he drops to the floor in an instant as he clutches his head. Zitao reacts quickly, long legs carrying himself to where Jongdae is and helping him up. “Careful, your head might hurt because of what happened last night.” He says, pulling Jongdae up to his feet and walking him to the kitchen.

               He sits Jongdae down on a chair and pulls out a jug of water from the fridge before pouring the water into a glass. Through the excruciating pain Jongdae could see Zitao rummage for something in the kitchen cabinet and the next thing he knows is that Zitao is in front of him, a glass of water in one hand and a pill in the other. “Take these, it'll help.”

               Jongdae looks up at him but takes them without a word, and Zitao sits down on the chair across from him. When Jongdae did as he was told, Zitao nods his head and sits on the chair across him, watches as Jongdae slowly gets his bearing back. Zitao tries not to think about what happened between them, tries to think about what to do with Jongdae as a doctor, and that Jongdae is nothing more than just a patient.

               “...What happened last night? How did I get here?”

               Zitao looks at him with another surprised look, and he shifts his body, brings his hands together. “Lu Han brought you here.”

               At the back of his mind, Jongdae makes a mental note to remind himself to murder that son of a–

               “He was really worried.” Zitao says with a tone so serious it sends shivers down Jongdae's spine. Jongdae holds the thought. “He told me about... What your boyfriend did to you and... You got drunk until you out. He said you were hurt, and was really worried so he brought you here...” He chuckled softly, “Since I'm a doctor.”

               Jongdae sighs. He knows Lu Han is worried, and at the rate of how things are going, he feels bad about having the older male worry about him. Lu Han had warned him about that boyfriend of his, saying he doesn't trust him one bit, but Jongdae, being stubborn, ignored him.

               He should have listened to him.

               “Um... Could you stay?” Zitao suddenly asks, and Jongdae snaps his head up at the question. Is this man asking what he thinks he's asking? “I mean, stay here until I come back from work.”

               Jongdae finds himself sighing in relief for no apparent reason. “I guess I can? When can I leave?”

               “When I say so.” Zitao replies crudely. At least there is no awkward feel to their conversation right now, because that is the last thing Jongdae wants. “Lu Han told me he'll bring spare clothes.”

               Jongdae blinks. “Are you saying I'll have to sleep here for more than a day?”

               “I don't know.” He shrugs. “Lu Han doesn't expect you to be home today. I think he just wants some time to spend with Sehun, if you know what I mean.” 

               “What – oh.” Jongdae nods his head in understanding. Knowing Lu Han, that'd probably mean two or three days. He likes to take his time. 

               Jongdae finds himself scowling at the thought, and acros the table, Zitao chuckles softly, catching Jongdae's attention. “Well, Jongdae,” Zitao stands up, “Make yourself at home. You can make some breakfast. I'll be in the shower.”

~

“Why are you buying medicine?” Baekhyun asks, holding up a small packet of them and looking at Zitao questioningly. “Are you sick or something?”

               “No, nothing like that.” Zitao replies, pulling out his wallet and handing out the money to the shorter male. “I need it for someone else.”

               Baekhyun gives him a strange look but doesn't question him any further, and Zitao is grateful for that. He bids them goodbye when the clinic closes and heads home as quickly as he can.

               When he enters his apartment he sees Jongdae asleep on the sofa, the television in front of him still on, and Zitao isn't sure whether to feel bad about having the smaller male sleep on the sofa or feel happy that Jongdae stayed. And he's still wearing his shirt, the collar wide enough to expose his collarbones, the hem long enough to cover his hips. He looks so small, and Zitao places the medicine on the table before walking over to the sofa so he could carry Jongdae to the room.

               When he lowers him to the bed gently, Zitao is left staring at Jongdae's face, and somehow it makes him feel calm and serene. He stares at him a bit longer before walking out so he could bring Jongdae's medicine to the room. Zitao pulls on a nearby chair and sits down beside the bed, eyes never leaving Jongdae's face. All this time – Zitao never remembered what happened when they slept together. He only has vague memories at the back of his mind, and Zitao is sure that that isn't the case for Jongdae. Jongdae remembers those nights, those touches, those comforting whispers that Zitao likes to do ever so often, and Zitao? Nothing. He feels all the more bad because he can't recall their moments, he can't share those memories with Jongdae.

               He wants to remember what happened on their first night.

               He wants to relive the night, commemorate their first encounter together and wonder what Jongdae had thought when he first laid eyes on him.

               Before he could even do so, Jongdae makes a soft sound in his throat and opens his eyes slowly, immediately meeting Zitao's gaze. The corners of his lips curl into a genuine smile, and Zitao could feel his chest tightened – it was as if Jongdae was glad that the first thing he sees when he wakes up is Zitao. The Chinese male clears his throat awkwardly and reaches for the medicine to show the smaller male.

               “I bought these for you,” He begins, averting his gaze from Jongdae to the packet in his hands. “Take them twice a day before any meal. You'll be fine in a few days.” Zitao reaches a hand out to press his palm against Jongdae's forehead. “You're warm.” He says, “Your temperature's up.”

               Jongdae shuts his eyes and lets out a soft chuckle. “You know, if you wanted to say that I'm hot, you could've just said so.”

               Zitao laughs at the comment, and for a brief moment their eyes meet again. It's just like that – Zitao has a hand on Jongdae's forehead, and Jongdae is leaning into his touch, their eyes locked together–

               “It's good to know that you two are going along,”

               Zitao and Jongdae jump at the voice and turn their heads to find Lu Han on the doorstep, leaning against the door frame, his arms crossed and a smirk on his lips. Jongdae stares at him in disbellief, and Zitao suddenly pulls his hand away, flustered.

               “It's – yeah, but it's–” He stammers, and instead stands up from his seat too quickly that the chair almost toppled over from the force of it. He leaves the medicine on the night stand and walks out of the room, avoiding eye contact with Lu Han.

               When he is sure that Zitao's far enough, he gives Jongdae an accusing look and shuts the door. “Oh my God,” Lu Han begins when Jongdae coughs, “You're actually sick.”

               “You're enjoying this, aren't you?” Jongdae hisses.

               “You're welcome?” Lu Han flails his arms, “I didn't think you'd get all cozy with Zitao already.” He holds up a duffel bag to show the younger male. “I brought spare clothes.”

               “Forget about that,” Jongdae shakes his head. “I want to leave.”

               Lu Han holds a hand up and drops the duffel bag onto the floor. “Don't even think about it. I successfully got into Sehun's pants last night and this morning and I'm going to do that again when I get home after. You sure you want to go home? Honey, please.”

               “You are enjoying this,” He rolls his eyes and lies back down on the bed to wrap the blanket around him. “You owe me big time.” He says after a cough. 

               Lu Han smiles at him. 

               “Fine.”

               Lu Han winks at the smaller male and opens the door behind him. “I'll make it up to you, I promise.” He says before walking out and closing the door. He walks over to Zitao's kitchen, where the taller male is preparing some food. Lu Han puts on a small smile and crosses his arms, leaning his hips against the kitchen counter. “You really like him, don't you?”

               Visibly, Zitao's shoulders slump. Lu Han keeps his smile, and Zitao sighs heavily. “I can tell.” Lu Han says, “I've known you all my life. I know you like him. More than anything in the world.”

               “I can't.” Zitao says, not turning around.

               “Why not?” Lu Han demands. “Look, I know you're a romantic, and I can't force you to do something you don't want to, but hey – newsflash, Zitao. You're not in a romance drama. This is reality. And things don't always go the way you want it to, you've met the love of your life in a way you've never hoped to, and it's not like you can turn back time and change that. You just have to accept it and screw everything else.”

               “Love of my life?”

               “Listen to me, Zitao.” Lu Han says, “The things is. You're into him. He's into you. What more do you need? You don't see me complicate things with Sehun, do you? We want to be with each other. That's it. You're standing here thinking there's more than that.”

               His whole love life, and Lu Han just boils it down like that. It isn't that easy. “But I've slept with him before.” Zitao explains. “I saw him at his most vulnerable state, and I've done it twice. But I can't remember a single thing – I can't remember how we first met. I can't remember that magical time when I fell for him. He remembers it and what? We can't look back one day and wonder how things would have gone if we didn't meet. Do you really think I should let him into my life it that was the case? Do you think I should leave that be?”

               “It's not 'letting' him into your life. It's accepting him into your life.” Lu Han replies, “From what I've seen back there? Jongdae is happy to be by your side. He's happy where he is right now, with you. He doesn't need to face any sort of rejection. He doesn't even care about what happened between the two of you.”

               Zitao is quiet, and Lu Han walks up to him, wraps his arms around Zitao's waist. “It pains me to see Jongdae hurt, Zitao. And I know it pains you just as much as it pains me.” He says quietly. 

               When he pulls away, Zitao's chin dips to his chest. He doesn't meet Lu Han's eyes still, as if he's afraid of facing the truth. 

               Maybe it's time that he does.

A/N: sorry for the super late update!!!! i hope you guys enjoy this rly terrible chapter omf