Insecurity No.3: I'm always failing. Even when I succeed, I fail.

Towards the end of the year is normally when students are encouraged to thrive in success. It is the time where the final grades are decided, school leaders of next year are chosen, awards are given and so forth. I had never been one of the recognised exemplary students. I try hard- all the time I try hard. I have engaged in at least six co-curricular clubs and activities this year, talked in assemblies, given tours and guided exchange students and so forth and yet all I have done had resulted into nothing. Many times have I attempted to be in a leadership position, alas the roles had always been given to the popular skinny girls. Now that I think about it, everything goes to the popular skinny girls.

There is this one girl named Kwon Jaera. She's skinny, she's beautiful, she's popular and she's Instagram famous. She had been an Executive Student Representative Council member, Brand Ambassador- whatever that is, and now she is one of the big four leaders of our school. She had gotten a 'Spirit Award' which is awarded to only one student of each year level at the end of each term and she had gotten awards for her leadership positions. But I know the truth. To get a leadership position, you must write an application form which is the standard and ordinary procedure. KWON JAERA DOES NOT WRITE HER OWN APPLICATION FORM! She does not deserve such privileges! She gets her older brother or her friend to write them and because she's so rich, she thinks she can have everything.

But maybe I'm just being sour because I always fail. I mean, I'm a good student too. I have six things on my co-curricular list, I normally get A's or B's in my grades, I get along with most teachers (note how I said most, some are just so annoying) and I get along with people. I mean, I'm pretty damn good in English and Science. Which is surprising because last year, I at Science. Then again, my teacher and now my teacher is amazing.

I sat in the library doing nothing. Well, my eyes were actually set on a College Ambassador application form. At first I thought, 'perhaps I should try this out'. But then knowing my history of failure, I thought 'perhaps not.' The question 'How have you demonstrated at least two of these qualities?' glared at me. Nothing. How have I demonstrated at least two of these qualities? How have I demonstrated at least one? Did I have these qualities at all? My eyes scanned through the list as I doubted myself.

"Qualities a College Ambassador must have:

• Very good communication skills
• Excellent diction/elocution and clarity of speech
• Pride in College
• Exemplary role modelling within the College
• A friendly and approachable manner"

Well I'm ed. I was in charge of taking care of two exchange students from Japan for a whole day once. I was still not fluent in Japanese and they were still not fluent in English (not to mention, they had very heavy accents). If that is not good communication skills, then what is?

What have I done to demonstrate excellent elocution and clarity of speech? I have spoken in two assemblies this year. One partially in Japanese and one in English. The Japanese one was to persuade the Year 7 students (first year of Australia high school) to take Japanese as a subject the next year. The second one mentioned was in front of the entire campus about my charity group's successes throughout the year so far. Would that be an example of excellent elocution?

Pride in the College. All I can think of was when I tried to persuade my friends not to move to another school. The school that my friend's aunty wanted her to move to was our rivalry school. It was a public school so it was much cheaper than our private school. The grades that the students get there are supposedly higher. But Mr Park had one day revealed to me that they only had good grades because they made the good students do the harder and more recognised subjects and pushed the rest of the students into work experience. Plus, our uniforms look a thousand times better than our rivalry school. We have red and black. Our blazers are black while our rivalry school's blazers are maroon! Maroon!

How do I show exemplary role modelling in the school? It's easy. I don't. How would someone show exemplary role modelling anyway? Looking around, I pulled out my phone and hid it under the table as I dialled my dad's phone number.

"Hey dad." I greeted.

"Aren't you meant to be in school?" He asked loudly. Is it just me or do Asian dads sort of shout into the phone?

"I am. But I have a question. How does one show exemplary role modelling in the school?" I asked quietly

"WHAT?" My dad shouted louder and several people had begun to look at me.

"How does one show exemplary role modelling in the school?" I said a little louder but still remained quiet. I smiled sheepishly at the students who looked at me. Several of them who giggled and gave me two thumbs up.

"Oh! Exemplary role modelling. Doing what you say." My dad answered then hung up. Did he just hang up on me without saying goodbye at least? Thanks, dad. I shook my head and frowned.

What have I done that I said people should do? I told people to always keep their school email open in case of important emails and I do that. Does that count? There's that out of bounds area that- Oh wait, I go in the out of bounds area too. Well . Moving on.

Have I shown a friendly and approachable manner? I'm very sarcastic, I have a short temper, I am impatient. Holy , as the list goes on and on I really hate myself. But I'd never act sarcastic or get angry at a person I don't really know. Then again, I have a resting face. I will never get this leadership position. I will never get any leadership position. I groaned, crossed my arms and leaned my head on it.

"Sunhee!" I head Kim Jongin's cheery voice. Kim Jongin is an awesome friend but sometimes he's just so ing annoying. Many times, he'd fish for compliments by insulting himself and then he'd start bragging about himself. Sometimes he'd even put you down and he wouldn't even know it. When I was chosen by my Japanese teacher to speak at the Year 7 assembly, he asked me, 'Why you?' Why me? WHY ME? Am I not good enough? He is partially the cause of my insecurities. Like around 25% of it.

To be honest I think I was actually only chosen because I am one of the most active members of LOTE Club (Language Other Than English Club- it sounds lame but our work is based on different cultures).

"What do you want Jongin?" I said, not lifting my head.

"Guess what?" He asked excitedly. Honestly, he's like a girl. I honestly do not want to guess. I want to wallow in self-pity and cry about the fact that I am incapable of achieving success.

"You grew some balls." I guessed sarcastically. Jongin laughed and slapped my shoulder. That hurt more than a Brazilian wax. Although, I do not know what a Brazilian wax feels like.

"I got invited to the Evening of Excellence!" He grinned and gripped my arm. My heart sunk. I should feel happy for him but honestly I just felt more ty about myself. Jongin one of this year's College Ambassador, he had won an award (but yes, I also one an award but he is more successful than I) and everyone loves him!

"That's great Kkamjong!" I congratulated. The Evening of Excellence was this one night where the school community can acknowledge and celebrate the  achievements and hard work of students. The students would receive awards, gain recognition and so forth. I never got invited. I've learnt to not care though a fraction of me still does.

"Anyway, is this a free period for you?" Jongin asked me and I nodded in reply. Obviously I was otherwise I'd be sitting with a group of people or I'd be sitting in a class room. Every word that is spewed from his mouth annoyed me lately. In fact, it wasn't only him- it was nearly everyone who spoke to me. Maybe I'm getting my period soon. I don't know.

Jongin waved goodbye and headed out and my attention was given to my laptop again. Should I hand it in? I'm probably not going to get it anyway. Kwon Jaera probably will because she gets everything when she never even lifted a ing finger to prove she was capable of the job. Or maybe she is because she talks so much and even if she talks , people love her. Whatever it is, she'll probably get it and I won't. That's how it works I guess.

I shut my laptop close and stood. I stretched a bit, having slouched for quite a while and decided it was time to go home. I packed my things quickly and head out of the building, despite the school day not ending yet. I wasn't the type to normally just skip out on school but it's the sixth period and it was a free one. So what's the point in being in the prison anyway?

The journey home was uneventful and boring. It's almost sad how lonely I probably look when I'm on the bus. Everyone else is talking with a friend or stranger or having fun on their phone. I just looked out the window as if I'm filming a sad music video. A very sad music video. Alas, the journey had to end and I was in front of my lovely house. I noticed that a bit of envelope was sticking out side of my mailbox flap. I don't usually check the mailbox unless I am expecting something or it is obvious something is in it. I leave my parents to check for me but since I am the first one home, why the not?

I pulled out the envelope and see that it's addressed to me. I gasped. I hardly get mail because I'm not that important. And by that I mean, if people need to contact me then we have the internet or our phones- quite sad really. Also, I'm a child so I don't get bills or adult stuff- I don't mean magazines. So this is quite exciting. I look at the stamp on the envelope and realise it is my school logo. My eyes widened. What do they want from me? Am I getting expelled? I have done no wrong! I tore the envelope open and unfolded the paper.

Dear Mr and Mrs Kim, (so this was actually addressed to my parents? The enveloped lied.)

I am proud to invite you to the 2015 Evening of Excellence. This is a night where students, staff and parents can acknowledge and celebrate the hard work and successes of the students. I am pleased to say that Sunhee has been chosen to attend that evening to be recognised for her work. Congratulations to you and your family. We will ensure that each family will get at least two tickets, extra tickets will be subject to availability.

Congratulations,

Mr Do, principal

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Please hand in a filled in permission form found below before the end of this week.

Evening of excellence? Evening of EXCELLENCE! I'm EXCELLENT! For once… But this is so unexpected. A grin broke on my face but realising that I was still outside, I covered my grin and head into the house. My second award for this year, how exciting! Holy , I can't breathe. Hopefully it's not like the first award which was for 'Academic Endeavour' which is a fancy way of saying 'for trying hard'. Evening of Excellence. That's big stuff. Holy snap.

Author's Note

School is OVER!! Yeah it was over since two weeks ago. Plus, evening of excellence was so cool because the person I sat next to ended being someone from my primary school and I haven't talked to him in a long time. In fact, we talked more that night than we did in seven years of primary school.