I can’t see straight...Please...Ooh please let everyone be okay...

I storm in the hospital and there they are. They turn around by sound of  me storming in and they all have tears in their eyes.. Ohh no...I look for Donghae and he is okay, so are the other members. I look for my family, but they are not here, so they are safe as well... That is a relief, I look around to find ... there is Jungkook, what is he doing here? Wait...My heart falls into my stomach. Noo, please no...I look up to the members and the tears are starting to roll over my cheeks.. They all look so frustrated, they don’t know how to help  me and are at loss of words...

"pl...Please ..tell me how is it..."I manage to stumble these words and they start to glance at each other...no one seems to want to admit how it is...

"please tell me she is okay..Tell me it isnt her..." i cant lose her..I cant lose her again...Jungkook is with s and he turns to face me and there is the confirmation that I was looking for, tears are flowing from his eyes and all s are chocked up... Noo..This cant be..No.

"no..No..Tell me this isnt happening..No!" the members come forward to me but I slap away their helping hands run up to the room.

I stop, not able to move..there she is... Her mother is by her side and the doctors are trying to help her...How long has she been here? How long...I should have answered my phone than I would have been here sooner and she wouldn't have been alone. I can't believe this...Please no..This is a dream.. This isn't happening.. no..Please God no..

 slowly I walk up to her and I almost fall down..my legs feel so weak..I feel like the life is being out of me.. I walk up to her.. the tears have stopped from falling now..This isn't reality, this is a dream..A nightmare and in a few seconds I will wake up and there she will be laying beside me, cuddled up in my arms.. I walk closer, she looks so pale..All kind off machines are attached to her... I lift my hand up, but I am too scared to touch her, I am afraid that her warmth has left her. My hand is shaking and I softly her face..I gasp..She is so cold... 

"I am sorry sir, but only family is allowed to be in here. Are you family?" The doctor asks me ...

"Yes he is family he can come in here.." her mum speaks up, I can hear her pain in her voice.. 

"I...I am her husband...." I say the words slowly and soft, but he seems to hear them.. I look up to him and I can see a look of sadness in his eyes.. I try to hold my tears back and look at her and my mum... She looks back at me and tries her best to smile..

"Her situation isn’t good.." the doctor starts to explain in a soft tone.."She was in a terrible car accident.." Car accident.. I close my eyes..I can’t cry in front of her mother,  I need to support her.. I look back at her.. "she has numerous  broken bones and has had some serious surgery. We don’t know what will happen from now on, we aren’t..we aren’t sure if she will make it or if she  will ever wake up." the doctor explains everything they have done to help her, but I can’t hear it, there are only a few words that keep repeating in my head..

She might not make it, she might never wake up. 

She might not make it... I feel like I am in a trance..I can’t hear anything, the only thing I hear are my thoughts screaming inside... I feel like I am going to die..My world is ending..I walk away in a trance and I stumble out the door. I feel the doctor and her mum looking at me..The boys notice me coming and they are shocked by the way I look.. 

"I am her husband..Husband..."I can only repeat those words and Leeteuk is the first one to hear them..She might not make it..."How is she doing?" I can’t believe it..It is a dream.. I look around and I am sure that any moment I will wake up and she will be holding me. I close my eyes and I wait... 

"Hyukjae?" I hear my name being said very softly... you see this was a dream "I had the worst  dream, sweet heart, you won’t believe it." I open my eyes  and instead of seeing her, I see the boys...

This isn’t a dream.. "She isn’t going to make it...." I couldn’t believe it before..But now..I feel like the world is  crashing down on to me.. I can’t breath, she isn’t going to make it.. "She isn’t going to make it, she isn’t going to wake up..." I start to talk harder "She isn’t going to make it, she isn’t going to wake up!" 

The tears are falling down, I fall down to the ground and I am crying my heart out..My world is ending..

"she isn’t going to make it..."

I can t stop crying.. it has been  two hours since we have been in the hospital, but my tears are still flowing. I am now just crying in silence.. I still can’t believe this. Leeteuk comes and sits himself down next to me.  the other boys follow, they understood that I wanted to be alone for a minute and they left me at peace...

"I can’t lose her..." Leeteuk holds on to my hands, not knowing what to say. But what is there to say...

"i can’t lose her..." All the members gather around me and that is the best support I could wish for.

"you won’t lose her" Leeteuk breaks the silence..But the words are an empty promise, we all know that the chance of me losing her is almost inevitable.

"How are you feeling?" Ryewook asks me, a stupid question..but on the other hand also not... they have no clue how I must be feeling the only person how knows are Leeteuk and Donghae..

" I ...I feel..feel.." I start to ramble.. how do I feel?  I close my eyes and focus on my feelings " I feel like I am dyeing, I am drowning and I am not able to swim anymore...It is like the clock stopped ticking and I am stuck...Stuck in this never ending nightmare...My world is ending..."

I hug Leeteuk tightly and my tears start to flow again.           

"We should chase them away again if they come back. I already called our manager and some security is coming." I hear Siwon talking to Leeteuk. Who did he chase away?  I look at Donghae, he has been by my side the entire time. I couldn’t be more grateful... 

"They crew where here filming you and here, we chased them out of here. " I didn’t even notice them... "Thank you for chasing them away" I don’t want her family to go through much media attention in these hard times, even though that I know that, that will be impossible. 

"Hyukjae.." Siwon and Leeteuk walk over to us "We aren’t able to leave for the next hours. "

"I wasn’t planning on leaving anytime soon..You guys don’t have to stay.." I know it might be a bit selfish of me, but I rather just be alone with her now..And with Donghae and Leeteuk...

"we are also not going anywhere, she is our family too." 

"And it is filled with cameras and paparazzi outside.." Siwon adds to Leeteuk. 

"Already?" 

I walk over to the window, I can see from above a lot of paparazzi cars on the streets and a lot of newsstands our already outside. I don't get it, how did they got the news that she was in an accident?

"How do they know?" I walk back to the boys, I can see that they are careful. they don’t want to hurt me any further, but i need to know.

"It is all over the news..Her accident." 

"Leeteuk-hyung...How big was the accident?"

"Hyuk...Don’t worry about that now, just focus on her and her getting better." Hyung is avoiding my question, it must have been a big accident. Off all the things that could happen, I always hoped that she wouldn’t get in an car accident. I sit myself down..

"What am I suppose to do? I am leaving in a few days... I still have to perform...." I look up and they look at lost as I am.

"How can I leave for the army, when she is here fighting for her life? I should be by her side!" I feel so powerless, it makes me angry.. I can't leave! I should be here with her. I want to be here with her. I need to be here with her...

*                                       *

The last days have been tuff on all of us. We keep on going back and forth from our schedules and the hospital, everyone wants to be by her side. It warms my heart to see that everyone cares so much for her. She isn’t only my family, she is truly our family. 

"Eunhyuk, how is she doing?!"

"Does this mean the end of your marriage?!"

The security helps me getting through the press, they are still all here and it seems like there are more every day. Everyone keeps on asking me how I am doing, how she is doing.. I just don't want to answer all these questions..It is still hard to talk about it, even when close friends or family asks how she is doing..The members answer for me...Every time I start talking about it, I just start to cry again. 

"Hyukjae you are early" 

I see Leeteuk, Siwon, Ryewook, Kyuhyun, Heechul and Donghae sitting next to her. I am so glad that they are here, sometimes I want to be alone with her, but today I am glad that they are here.

" yes I wanted to be here as soon as I could" 

I give her a sweet kiss on the forehead and sit next to her. 

"We couldn’t find the doctor, but do you know how she is doing? He keeps you update every day right?"

Heechul moves nervous around, he is still worried about my reaction. I understand him though, the past days I have been a mess.. I have been busy with everything, preparing with Donghae for our last festival... I have been so busy that I haven't had the chance to really rest, what resulted in me crying every night and them comforting me...

"Yes he keeps me updated" I clear my through, I have to be strong, I don’t want to cry next to her again. Once is enough.. " He told me that a few days ago there was some positive change, but now there has been a setback. Her organs are failing and she is losing a lot of weight and they don't know the reason..." 

She has lost so much weight.. I softly lift her hand in mine, they have become so cold... When will they be warm again? 

"Hyuk?"

"Oh ehm he also said that we shouldn’t lose hope.." He told me those words, because there isn’t much hope left... I know how serious this situation is, I just...Like he said,  I can't lose hope..I can't lose her.

*              *

"Hello?" It is the middle of the night, I look at my phone, why did Leeteuk call me so late?

"Hyukjae..." No...His voice, it has the same tone when he told me to come to the hospital...No, Please let her be alive...

"I am coming! " I don't wait for Hyung to finish his sentence I hang up the phone and walk over to Donghae. I still can't bare it to be at home, it is our home..There are so many memories and all her things are there. I still can't look at it, It doesn't feel like home without her..

"Donghae we need to go to the hospital"

I didn't need to wake Donghae twice for this, he gets up and we leave immediately for the hospital. It is crowded there and when they see us arriving, they shoot there questions again. I think they are all shocked to see us here so late,  they look all with sorrow and sadness to me.. 

"What happened!?  Where is she?!" we arrive upstairs and they are all here, but she is gone..

"Where is she?!" This can't be happening.. Don’t lose hope, don’t lose hope..

"Hyuk, easy easy,  sit down." Leeteuk and Heechul lead me to sit down. 

"tell me..." Tears are falling again over my cheeks.. I can't lose hope...

"She started to lose a lot of blood and they had to take her into surgery." 

Okay...Easy...Breath...This doesn’t mean anything, they were in time... She can make it.. She will make it..

"Hyukjae" I hear her mother’s voice, the boys move apart and I walk over to her, I hug her. I have been here so many times with her. I can’t stand to see her in pain, I have been trying to be strong for her, so that she could also lean on me. 

"You don't have to hold back,  if you want to cry, cry...We are family in the end." She has always been so supporting of me and her, even with the malicious rumours flying around.

"Thank you" I hug her stronger and let my tears flow.

The doctor walks back in and it seems that he just got out of the surgery, we have been waiting here for about 2 hours. It mustn’t have been easy to operate on her.  He has a sorrow look on his face, I don't like it. I feel all the boys looking at me, yes they understand his look as well. Something went wrong.

"I have good and bad news." I go and hold my mother in laws hand. 

"The good news is that she is doing good and has exactly better vital signs than before. Her changes have improved immensely and the change of her waking up have increased."

I feel her mother squishing my hand, this is really good news. I am just nervous to hear the bad news..

"On the other hand, we don't know how much damage here brain has gone under, what makes it unclear for us how it will function when she wakes up. And I have other bad news."

Other bad news....I can feel myself getting pale.. 

"Her organs and her weight loss are the effect of her pregnancy, we are sorry that we didn't seen sooner that she was pregnant. The source of the bleeding was the result of a miscarriage. I am so sorry Hyukjae, we weren’t able to save the baby."

Baby? They lost our baby.... I let go of  her mother hands.. Baby...I stumble back. They lost our baby... I was going to be a father.. I fall down, I was going to be a father, they lost our baby...

"I was going to be a father..." Everyone seems surprised by the news, but the truth is I didnt know as well, she dropped hints, but it seems that now only they seem to ome together. Pregnant.. 

*             *

There aren’t many days left before I have to leave for the army. To be exact two, I don't know what to do. We are all gathered tonight to spend to gather and everyone is still in shock of the news we received yesterday. Father...I still can't believe it, more than that. Why didn't she tell me? On the other hand we weren't really on good terms the day of the accident... 

"Hyuk. Can you please explain everything" Everyone has been curious about it. 

"Well, the doctor said that her weight loss and failing of her organs where the result of her being pregnant."

"Are you the father? "I feel my cheeks going red, thinking about that night. But sadness settles in soon after..

"I was the father, I was going to be a father." I pause, I still can't believe it. "The good  news is that now her vital signs are better and she is doing much better. The only question now is what the impact is from the accident and all the surgeries. "

Everyone is cheering that she is improving and Kyu looks relieved and happy. He also spend a lot of time in the hospital. 

"Hyuk.." I look at Donghae and Leeteuk, they seem happy that she is improving, but they look worried for me

"How are feeling about losing.." Leeteuk doesn’t finish his sentence but I know what he means. 

"I am.. I am shocked, sad.. I don't know.. I am not sure what I am feeling, these past days just have been though."

My phone rings and I leave for the kitchen to answer it.

"Hello, this is Hyukjae"

"Hyukjae.." I drop my cup that I am holding, it shatters by hitting the ground. The boys all go stop talking and stand up. It is her mom, her voice, she is crying.

“Good news, she is awake.”

This car ride feels like it is lasting forever, I told everyone that she was awake and we left immediately. She is awake, I didn’t lose her. I have my second chance, our second chance.

“Eunhyuk, how are you doing. “

“Is there any news?”

The reporters are still here, we walk quickly past them and go to her room. Donghae must have noticed how nervous I am, he holds my hand. I smile at him and also to Teuk hyung he also comes up to me. The door of the elevator open and I storm to her room.

I stop and all the boys pump into me. They are all standing there. Her brother, mother, father. They are all smiling, there are also a lot of doctors. They notice me and I walk over to them.

“We aren’t sure yet what the impact is, she opened her eyes a hour ago. She is still weak, but it is a good sign that she opened her eyes. “ He pauses, there is something that he is not telling me “The chance of her making it is still small. But her being awake and responsive is a good sign.”

I walk into her room with a heavy heart. What he just told me, makes it scary. This could be the last time she smiles at me or that I can look into her eye. They make room for me and I can see her. Still pale and really skinny. I touch her hand and she opens her eyes and looks at me.

Her eyes are still the same, still light brown. Still that sweet and innocent impression. Only I don’t see that look. The way she always looks at me, with love. That is something I don’t see in her eyes, instead of love I see confusion.

Please…She opens . I beg, please remember me….

“Who are you?”

I don’t know what is worse…How the situation was before or the fact that she now doesn’t know how I am. That she doesn’t remember our love story, doesn’t remember us.

“It is still uncertain how much of her memory she has lost and for how long. “

“But how is it possible that she recognized me and Donghae, her family, but not Hyukjae?” I am so happy that Leeteuk is asking the question I want to ask. I am just…

“It is possible. She probably shut out the memories of Hyukjae because they were too much for her to handle.”

“Will they ever come back” I look at the doctor, he on the other hand is avoiding eye contact.

“We don’t know.”

*                                                                                                    *

“Hyuk, come and sit here.”

We are now back home and they have been helping me with everything. With the reporters and with coming home. I am in a trance. This can’t be real life.

“What am I to do if she doesn’t remember me. If the memories don’t come back? “ I mumble to Donghae and  Leeteuk. They don’t know what to say and they just hold me.

“You know I thought my world ended when she was in the hospital, but now…”

“Hyukjae you have a voicemail” Ryewook interrupts me talking and hands me my phone.. I look at my wall paper, it is a photo of us together. It hurts to look at it, what if we never go back to that? What am I to do then?

“You have one voicemail “ I put my phone on speaker and we are all listening to it.

“Hyukjae…”

I can feel their eyes on me. My mouth falls open, it is her. .her sweet voice..

“Oppa, I called you but you didn’t pick up. Even though I am coming to see you know, I will leave this message for you…Because I am afraid that when I see you I won’t say what I want to say. So I will say it now. “ She stops talking for a second and I know that she is now gathering strength to say what she wants to tell me.

“You are right. There are many people against us, they think it is wrong, that we are fake. And I know that it  hurts you to hear all that…And even more that you even started to believe some rumours and that we are fake. You told me that I wasn’t in this relationship 100 percent that I don’t like you, that you know that there is more than friendship between me and Jungkook. That I don’t see us as a real couple, but just something for money. “

She pauses and we can hear now clearly traffic.

“but you are wrong. You are so wrong. I don’t care about the fact that you are way older than me, I don’t care that people think it is wrong. You want to know why? It is because I don’t like you, yes you are right. I don’t like you, I love you. For me, the first day we started shooting, is the first day we were together as a real couple. About Jungkook, we have been friends since forever, but you don’t need to worry about him. Why would I want to date him, when I have you?  I know you only said this because you were mad and disappointed. You only said it because I didn’t answer. You thought that I didn’t want to, but look you are wrong. We are real, you are my first love…We life together and the day you asked me to move in, I felt like I was the most lucky girl in the world.. I feel like the most lucky girl in the world, simply because I get to call you my Boyfriend.

I am sorry… I am sorry that I didn’t answer immediately, that I just stood there not saying anything. You thought I was saying no, but that wasn’t the case. I couldn’t believe that it was real, it felt like I was dreaming. I was so happy and I didn’t say anything, because I couldn’t find the words. I was at a loss of words. Because that is the moment that every girl dreams of, the moment you decide to spend for ever together. And in the moment you asked me, I saw our future together, how our lives where going to be and us having kids and growing old together.  What made me realize that I have to tell you something else. “

She stops with talking and we can hear someone driving really hard, then we hear a crash and then it goes silent…. I feel my heart drop. I close my eyes to stop the tears, I am just about to walk away when I hear something. Wait…Slowly we hear some sound coming up again.. I can hear sirens and I can hear her. I can hear her heavy breathing and her pulling at things. Then a man voice comes up.

“Madam, hold on. Stay calm.” More cars come.

“Sir…” Her voice sounds so weak, I can hear that she is in pain and hurts me so much to hear her talking like that. “Sir…”

“Madam, try not to talk.”

“Can you hand me my phone, I need to tell someone something important.”

“You will have the chance to do that after you arrived from the hospital. You should save up your energy”

“Sir..I.. I think-k we both kn-know that the chance of me ma-mak-king it, isn’t..”

“You shouldn’t think like that. We are getting you out of there.”

“Sir… Pl.. Please…”

“Okay, but not too long.”

“Thank you, Sir? The other car. Are they okay?”

“They are looking good. I will stay here, you will be soon out of there.”

“Hyuk…Hyukjae.. I hope that you will be able to receive this. I…I do-don’t know what will ha-hap, never mind..… The past 3 years that we have be-been together.. You taught me many things… I am grateful of that..but the most important thing you gave and taught me was…that was love… you are my first love…And I.. I ho-hope that I will be your last, but you w-will be my last love… I…”

“Madam. I know this might me hard, but please try not to cry... I will wait here.”

 “pff… Hyuk…I wanted to spend for-forever with you….I..I still do…My answer is yes…Yes…. One more thing… “

“madam I need you to hand me your phone, we are going to free you.”

“Hyukjae…. I love you… I lo-love you..”

“We need to hurry, she is unconscious!”

“Isn’t she..”

“yes she is,  here hold her phone.”

“To whom was she talking? “

“Who do you think.”

“Eunhyuk”

Tears are falling… she loves me… Here last words were I love you… And now...she can't even remember me... It is my fault that she was in that accident.. My fault. I start to cry even harder and I feel Leeteuk putting his arms around me and also Donghae is comforting me. But it doesn’t help. How could it? The pain is on the inside, it is in my heart. 

"It is my fault..."

"What is?" Leeteuk speaks up real carefully

"Because of me she got in that accident."

"It wasn't your fault, Hyukjae" I spring up, I wipe away my tears

"It is..If I..If I didn’t get mad at her and argued with her. If I didn’t say those things.. If I.." My tears fall again. It is my fault. "She was coming to see me. To talk things over. Because of me she was driving. Because of me." 

"Hyukjae" I turn around to face all of them. I can see their sad faces, but they also look worried about me. 

"BECAUSE OF ME! Because of me is she in that hospital!" I fall down on my knees and I can't control my tears anymore.

"I love her...I love her..."

*                                                        *

"Hyung, can you do something for me?" Kangin already got out of the car, but I need to say this to Leeteuk

"Of course, what do you need me to do?"

"Take care of her. Protect her, make sure that she heals and she will live."

"I will do that, I promise." I grab Leeteuk hands and look him straight in the eye.

"Promise me this. Promise me that you will make sure that she will be happy, that she will smile every day, that she will be loved. " I close my eyes, I love her smile, the way her eyes will twinkle.. She deserves to be happy...I want her to be happy.. I open my eyes again and look back into his eyes, even though it kills me, he needs to do this for me, for her  

"Hyung promise me that you will not force her to remember me. Don't talk about me and her as a couple, don't force her to remember. "

"Why? I..I don"

"The doctor told me that it must be to hard for her to handle right now to remember me, us. Her body..Her health..She can't take it right now, that might  be why she doesnt remember. When she is ready to, she will. He also told me that forcing her to remember, won't be good for her..."

"I understand..I promise I won't."

Leeteuk gives me a hug and we get out of the car. It looks amazing here, so many people came. It warms my hearth to see that so many came to see me of. I thank everyone and before I walk away I see a banner. Leeteuk must have seen it too, he walks over to me and puts his arm around me for support. The banner...It is us, saying that Elf loves her and loves us as a couple. I smile and try not to cry. Two years. I will be without her for two years. Maybe even longer...I don't know what the future holds anymore, but like Leeteuk said, focus now on you. On your health and the army, I will take care of her and when you come back we will be here, I can’t thank Hyung enough for that. I will work hard these two years, I will work hard to become a better men, for me and for her. 

I turn around one more time to see the banner. The future holds so many uncertainties. I can't lose her, she is the love of my life. Even though that she is awake now, I lost her in another way, but in two years who knows. I didn't lose her right? She will remember me, she will regain her memories and she will remember us. She will remembers our silly moments, our promises, our fight. she will remember our love...

I take a deep breath and look up to the sky, I didn't lose her...

"I will see you after two years." Please, wait for me...Remember me... Remember us.