We went out that night after her debut, just the two of us, CL just couldn’t stop talking about it, so I gave her a present to congratulate her. A kiss.

(Gdragon)

IF [i were] YOU

Fall 2014

I grabbed the TV remote and turned it on, I knew today 2ne1 will performed in a variety talk show. As I saw the four of them sitting in a chair and prepared to sing a song in between the talkshow, i took a deep breathe and wish it could reduce the sting in my chest.

“Another day slowly passes by just like that

My entire day was wasted only for you

I did everything to make myself look good for you

I should feel beautiful when I see my reflection

But I just feel miserable

The tactless night sky is so, no no, beautiful

I wish that you could be me for a day

I wish that I could be you for a day

I wish that you could at least know how to see

How your heart feels

How my heart feels

I wish I could love you for one more day

I wish you would would love me just for a day

I wish we could be together for a day

So I can let you go without any regrets

I want to throw away everything that reminds me of you

I want to scream at the top of my lungs but

The only one that would hear would be myself

Along with the burning candles

There’s not much left in my heart now

This beautiful house I’m in feels just like a prison

The tactless night sky is so, no no, beautiful

I wish that you could be me for a day

I wish that I could be you for a day

I wish that you could at least know how to see

How your heart feels

How my heart feels

I wish I could love you for one more day

I wish you would love me just for a day

I wish we could be together for a day

So I can let you go without any regrets

Sometimes I want to push

Everything away

And go out like you do

I want to wash down all of my pain with alcohol

And my sadness with fake

Laughter, but I don’t

I wish that you could be me for a day (oh~)

I wish that I could be you for a day (eh~)

I wish that you could at least know how to see

How your heart feels

How my heart feels (How my heart feels)

I wish I could love you for one more day

I wish you would love me just for a day

I wish we could be together for a day

So I can let you go without any regrets

I wish you could be me

I wish I could be you

I wish that you could feel this now

So I can let you go without any regrets.”

My eyes couldn’t even blink when she sang the last verse, now I saw what people been talking about online and offline. She always cried during this song.

“It was a very deep and sad song.” The host commented. “Are you ok, CL-ssi?” he asked again.

“Sure. Hahaha…” she laugh with her familiar way of laughing, with a little crack in her voice.

“Because I saw you had a teary eyes when singing the last part, and it was so sad. You wrote this song, right?” the host asked her.

“Yes.” She nodded.

“What happened to you when writing this song? Everybody I asked was agree that we could feel such a huge broken hearted feeling in this song. What inspired you?”

“I—uhm…” she stopped for a while with a little smile curved on her face. My heart pounded so hard, I knew the story of this song. “I’m thinking about… uhm, my haters when writing the lyrics.” She said.

My heart sank. She lied.

“Wow.” The host seems surprised. “That was… unexpected.”

“Yeah, but that’s true. I mean, like I stated in the song: I wish you could be me, I wish I could be you, I wish I could feel it just for a day. I actually tried to talk to them to see me as a human too, who can hurt, who can be tired…” she chuckled.

“That’s so sad… but I thought—and I believe many other people also has the same thought with me—that this song was referred to someone, probably a boyfriend In the past, you know, we thought this is a love song.”

“Well, this is a love song tho, you can interpret a song based on your own story. I wrote it also to spoke to all the broken hearted people out there. Even from my sight it doesn’t referred to a specific person.” She explained, “Because…I never been in a relationship before, so I couldn’t write a song based on a personal story.” She laughed.

“Really??” the host gasped. “You never involved romantically with anyone?”

“Nope.” She shook her head.

I scoffed. What did I expect? She would tell the world about our story?

“But do you have any ideal type of man who attract you?” the host asked again. I raised the volume.

“I like a hard-working type of guy because I love to see them while working, its somehow y…” she laughed.

“I’m a hard-working man!” the host jokingly flirts. I officially hates him now. “Anyway, YG seems to have idols with strong characteristics and we know that 2ne1 is really close with their oppas in Big bang, what do you think about Big Bang members, is there someone who close to your type of man?”

I found my heart pounded again while she laughed and shook her head, “Well, Daesung oppa is more like my vocal instructor, not only for me but for four of us, he has such an amazing voice, he also really funny, I think girl would fall for him immediately because he’s the type that will make you happy all the time. Then Seungri, he’s slightly older than me but we’re like the same-age friend, he always fooling around and annoys me a lot, sometimes I feel like he’s my little brother. While Taeyang oppa is so professional, he teaches me how important a preparation is, he’s the cool guy.”

“What about TOP?” the host asked.

“Well, I’m not very close to him because we don’t talk a lot to each other, because sometimes I feel like he’s living in his own world, he has a very unique way of thinking, he’s a very interesting person but hard to approach.” She smiled.

“And Gdragon?”

I raised the volume again.

“Jiyong is like a brother to me.”

I’m waiting for what would she said next, but she stopped there. She described anyone else in a long sentences but only describe me in one short sentence. A brother to her.

..

it was during the winter in 2009. I had my solo album out soon so I worked harder than any other Big Bang member. I stayed in the company day and night. And that when it all started, she was still a trainee who’s gonna debut soon with her group, 2ne1. We knew each other long before but never really spoke to each other. That night, I watched them practice and I have to admit that I never saw a girl with a strong aura like her before. She catches my interest, so I told Teddy hyung to featured her in our song, ‘the leaders’.

“That new girl?” he asked me.

“She’s something, hyung. I know she’s gonna be a huge successful female idol in the future.”

“Well, she’s gonna have to write her own lyric and lets see if she’s suit the song.”

I use this chance to talk to her, even tho she live abroad for years, she considered a very polite girl and she agreed to try to wrote her own lyric for the song.

Teddy was amazed by her lyric and produced it right away.

As my singles launched, ‘the leaders’ was also boomed. But Teddy was not always able to perform with us, so he made this song just for two of us. We performed it in many stages and this brought us to another level of closeness.

Along with it, 2ne1 also had their first debut stage, she was very nervous but I knew she’d kill it. I was right, the crowd loved them. We went out that night after her debut, just the two of us, she couldn’t stop talking about it, so I gave her a present to congratulate her. A kiss.

After that, we spent nights talking to each other for hours. Sometimes, she’d came to support me in many musical chart shows. But there’s no further conversation about what’s the meaning behind the kiss.

..

It was early 2013 I embarked to my first world tour.

in one of the YG artists’ party night, we had so much fun, I came to her and whispered “Lets get outta here.” We sneak out and went to my apartment. Its been almost four years doing this ‘extremely close friendship’ acting in front of everyone. Simply to hide nights of kisses we had. We can’t hide the fact that we’re the A-list star, people watched our every movement, they speculate, they curious and that things made us thrilled.

“This is funny and weird at the same time.” She chuckled while curled up next to me on the couch, she was holding her phone. “Look, people called us Skydragon.”

“What’s that?” I ran my finger in her hair.

“Sky for me, CL, ciel you know, the French word for sky. And dragon for you, Gdragon.”

“Is it some kind of couple name?”

“I think so.” She said. “I think they took our hints perfectly.”

Yes, we dropped many hints for the fans through our social media posts. We talked to each other there, indirectly between our posts.

Both of us understand that we couldn't go any further with this relationship at this time. Silently, we understand about our company regulation, we keep that as a boundaries but none of us set the limit.

..

Yes, we didn’t set the limit, but the fans does. Some fans loved to see us together but many others bashed her, not me but her. When I tried to talked to her about it, she laughed it off. She didn’t realize that I know she would cry in her sleep.

As my fans keep bashing her for being too close with me, near summer 2013, we had a little fight several times and i know its because the anti-fans getting out of control. even tho i always show her how much fans that like us, haters also seems to be anywhere. Suddenly she set some distance between us in front of people, I tried to understand that she wants to protect herself. But then she becam