“Darling, I’m here.”  Your boyfriend, Tom, called out as he shuts your apartment door behind him, your favorite yellow roses in his hands.  “Darling?”

After a few moments you walked out of your bedroom door in your pyjamas, your face void of makeup as you towel dry your hair.  You couldn’t stop your face from growing different shades of red as Tom hands you the flowers seducing you with his smile.  “What did you do this time?”  You tried to decode the mischief in his smirk.

“Nothing.”  He laughed as he pressed his body to yours, capturing your lips in a soft welcoming kiss.  “But I do have something to ask you.”

You drape your towel over your shoulders.  “No Tom, we’re not getting a pet, not a humongous dog or a tiny kitty and you can’t keep it here if you do get one.”  You stabbed his chest multiple times with your finger.  “Keep it at your place if you really want one.”

“Are you done?”  He raised an eyebrow as he massaged your waist.

“No.”  You shake your head playfully and tiptoed to give him another kiss.  “Because I did order your favorite pizza from your favorite pizza place and opened up some red wine.  I thought since you’re all stressed out from work, we might just eat some pizza, drink some wine and watch some old movies…I prepared everything just the way you want them.”  You wriggled yourself out of his grip as he had the sudden urge to kiss you again.

“Well darling…that sounds perfect.”  He drew in a deep breath, fidgeting with his pocket as he watches you make your way to the kitchen, grabbing an empty vase for your flowers as you go.

“Great.  I’ll just get the –“

“Marry me.”  He blurts out.  For weeks the engagement ring had burned a hole in his pocket.  Every time he would touch it his heart would skip a beat.  His nerves have been building up and just about ready to explode.

Your head whipped around back to where Tom stood, your eyes widened to a comical size with you almost dropping the vase in your hand.  “Huh?”  You were caught completely off guard finding yourself unable to utter a single intelligible word.

He calls out your name almost like a whisper.  “Will you marry me?”  He asks again expectantly.  You could see his hand shake as he raised the ring in front of you.

You were in a loss for words.  You couldn’t describe exactly how you feel at that moment.  You were ecstatic, shocked, overwhelmed and had a whole lot of bunched up feelings that left you breathless.  Tom raised his eyebrows at you in question and you smiled as you replied, “Yes.  Yes, I will marry you.  Of course I would marry you.”  The words spilled out of your mouth like a fountain and they were truer than anything you have ever said.

Tom’s face lit up as he enveloped you in a tight hug.  He looked so happy and you were beyond happy as well.

Now you remain seated where Tom had left you and again at a loss for words.  You were hurt, dumbfounded and shocked and had a whole lot of bunched up feelings that have once again left you breathless, because that is how he had always make you feel, like a total idiot.  His words broke you and hollowed you out, but you understood him loud and clear, you just weren’t good enough for him.  He obviously never loved you the way you loved him.  You understood, but couldn’t figure out why.

Jumbled feelings swam in your brain, wondering what to tell the people who are waiting inside the church for a wedding that is not going to happen.  What are you going to say?  Are you still supposed to wear the ring?  How hard is it just to be happy?  What are you to do now?

The door opens and you see your bridesmaid, Cam walking in.  “Tom wanted me to check on you honey.  What?  Cold feet?”  She teased seeing you sitting so still.  Your mother and your two other bridesmaids walked in after Cam.

“My feet are warm enough.”  You try to smile at them lifting the end of your gown to show your white heels.  “Tom’s feet however are running opposite the altar by now.”

“Tom?  What do you mean?”  Cam asked skeptically.

“I mean the wedding’s off.”  You whispered.  “Tom called it off.”  You choke on your words, but try to swallow them down.

“Tom did what?  I’m going to kill him.”  Cam growled clenching her fist and you saw your mother hold on to her hand to calm her down.

“No you’re not.  It wouldn’t help if you did.”  Your mother sat on her knees in front of you.  She placed her hand on your knees and used her other hand to lift your chin up to look at her.  “It’s better to know how he really feels before you got married.  Better now than five years later.  It would’ve been a terrible five years if that happened.”  Your mother said running her hand through your hair.  “You’ll be alright.  You’ll be fine.”  She tried to reassure you with tears filling her own eyes.  “Well sweetheart, I’ll go make the announcement.”  She stood up and wiped her tears as she went, but you held her wrist before she could go.

“I’ll make the announcement.”  You stood up.  You tried to take your veil off, your hand despearately searching for that one tiny pin in your hair that would keep it from slipping while you walked or from falling off when Tom finally folds it back.

“Are you sure?”  Cam said helping you out of the mess of you have made with your hair and your veil.

“Of course I’m sure.  I haven’t been 2PM’s publicist for three years if I couldn’t do this much.”  You remarked walking out into the hall that lead to the altar.

You glanced down the aisle and shook your head in amazement.  You couldn’t believe how many people had turned out for the wedding.  You unknowingly look around for the runaway groom at the pews or maybe lurking at the shadows, but he wasn’t there, he must be long gone by now.  “Hello everyone.”  You called out to the confused crowd staring at you as you try your best to remain calm and composed.  “Thank you for coming to our wedding, it really means a lot to us.”  You cleared your throat before you spoke again.  “But unfortunately, the wedding is off.  There will be no ceremony today.”  From the corner of your eye you could see your mother explaining to your father and to Tom’s parents at one side of the church.  “We are truly sorry to have wasted your time like this, but there will be a reception.  So please proceed to the reception hall.  There’s good food and good music and there is absolutely no reason why we should waste that, should we?  And of course, the gifts…you generous gifts will be returned to you as soon as possible.  Thank you and I do again apologize for the inconvenience this has caused you.”

You walked off the church back to the bridal room as quickly as you could before the buzz in the church got even louder.  You tripped a few times on the length of your dress and you began to wonder why you didn’t choose the shorter dresses to wear.  You could see pity in their eyes as you spoke and you’re not about ready to indulge in that even more.  So you requested for your parents to be at the reception hall ahead of you along with your bridesmaids.  Someone still needs to entertain the guests after all.  After so much so much debate and reassurance that you’re alright, you were left in the room to have some time alone to think.

After some minutes you heard a knock on the door and it opens to show Chansung on the other side.  He was wearing a grey three-piece suit that looked real fine on him.  “Hey, where’s everyone?”  He asked as he sat on the overly decorated couch next to you.

“Hwang, you must’ve been late again, huh?  Didn’t hear the news?”  Your lips curved in an attempt to smile.  “You’re supposed to head on to the reception, free food, open bar, great band...”  You wanted to sound amused, but is failing miserably at it.

“I wasn’t late and I did hear your whole speech earlier.”  He looked at you, laughter evident in his voice.  “Why do people always assume the only reason I attend weddings is because of the free food and open bar?  And why do you always assume I’m always late for everything?  I was just wondering why you’re alone in here.”

You looked up at Chansung’s friendly face with a bewildering expression.  “Then why are you here Hwang?  Wanna be a part of the pity parade?”

“Not my style.”  He sat back and looked around the room.  Everything about the room says overly decorated, too grandiose and he didn’t like it, neither did you.  “I don’t think you need it either.  You know if I didn’t hear it from Cam, I would’ve thought you were the one who called it off.  You were so composed…so cool about it.”

“Am I anything other than cool?  Why, did you expect me to be bawling my eyes out while I give a speech?  I’ve gone through worse with you six boys.”  You teased and pretended to laugh, it sounded dry and pathetic.

“Don’t do that.”  Chansung turned to face you and took your hand in between his.  “You don’t have to pretend with me.  We’re friends, right?”  You nodded your head lightly.  “I haven’t gone through anything remotely similar to this, but I know it hurts.  And I’m not condemning you for being unemotional over this issue, but we’re all worried about you…even more because you keep pretending that you’re alright, when you should be crying by now.”

“What good will that do?”  You smiled guiltily as you twisted the ring on your finger.

Chansung places a hand on your shoulder.  “I don’t pity you, but I’m hurting for you.  Tom was the love of your life.  I was there.  We all saw how much you love him.  And he left you minutes before your wedding, so you’re allowed to breakdown.  You’re allowed to be vulnerable for once in your life.  You don’t always have to be so strong you know.  You can breakdown and I’ll be strong for you.”  Something in Chansung’s eyes tore at you.

Tears started to fill your eyes as you began to let your emotions go.  You remembered it was supposed to be an absolutely perfect day.  You were so happy.  You and Tom had been so happy.  When had that stopped?  “It’s not fair.  I loved him.  I loved that *ucking bastard and I gave him me, all of me.  Now what am I going to do without him, without the rest of me?  How do I…how can I…”  You cried out, releasing all the tears you have been holding in.  You felt like you were burning.  The pain was suffocating your insides, all the lies, the hurt, the time, the unfairness of it all, everything spilled out in the form of tears.  You realized you haven’t really confronted your own feelings since that time Tom sat you down to talk.  Deep inside, you didn’t want to believe it.  You thought it was just a nightmare, but hearing it from Chansung made you feel it was all real.  Tom’s not coming back any minute now.  The wedding is really off and you’ll have to live alone without him.

After a while you felt strong arms hold you as you cried out the inbuilt pain that was threatening to crumble you into pieces.  “Cry.  Just cry it all out.”  Chansung whispered as he rocks you back and forth.  “I’m here for you.  We’re all here for you.  I know it wouldn’t be easy, but we’ll take you out of this.”

STEP 1:  CRY IT ALL OUT, EITHER ALONE OR WITH A TRUSTED FRIEND.

Be uninhibited to vent and complain to the universe.  Your broken heart earned you that right.  Even if it was an amicable parting or you were the one who broke it off or when you were left hanging in the church minutes before your wedding, a breakup is still a breakup.  It is still the failure of a relationship you have nurtured no matter how long or how short and it should not be taken lightly.  Purging the terrible feelings is the first step to moving forward.  Though releasing the tears would not exactly heal you in an instant, the ability to rant and vent as you please can release the load that is waiting to explode in your chest.

Once the tears are released, your eyes will begin to open yourself up to the possibility that even if that man wasn't the one, someone out there is.