Chansung’s POV

Saturday, just a few minutes before four. 

It’s the day I had been dreading ever since I received the invitation for her wedding.  In all honesty, I had no idea why I’m even going.  I kept on telling myself this was a bad idea, I knew my heart knows better than to do this to myself, but my feet seemed to have moved on its own volition, one step after another, I found myself once again being drawn closer to her like a moth to a flame and the consequences were just as deadly.  I know she expects me to be there for the ceremony, to smile at her, congratulate her at her wedding and just be generally happy with the start of her new life.  I know that even if I don’t want to, I need to be there for her.

As if my heart wasn’t broken enough because of her.  Now, I am willingly going to watch the woman I love get married to someone else.

I run my hand over the ornate wood of the bride’s vestibule’s door, waiting a moment before opening it, asking myself over and over if it’s right for me to be here.  But I’m here, already here and I feel it’s too late for me to go back.  With a deep breath and a tug at what courage I had left, I screwed my eyes shut and pushed open the heavy wooden door.  I opened my eyes and there she was standing in front of the mirror just behind the dressmaker’s dummy, chewing on a gum as she checks her dress.  There she was dressed all in white, her hair up in a stylish bun looking just absolutely breathtaking.  She looked perfect, but that perfection made me swallow down the bitter bite of tears.  It pained me to see her looking so beautiful for someone who’s not me.

I stood there watching the woman who owns my heart for what seemed like an eternity.  I was screaming inside wanting her to hear my inner voice.  I wanted her to turn around and look at me, to see me.  But she was busy being too happy to see me standing by the door.  I slid my hands inside my pants pockets and secretly clenched my fists.  My hands are aching to grab her away some place where no one will ever find us.

In me, I had the vicious urge to call out to her, to tell her how I really feel, to let her know about the feelings I have been bottling up all these years, but my brain internally scolded me for even thinking such things and my heart told me to shut up.  I will not do that to her.  I resolve I’m only here to watch, to wish her well…to be her friend.

I took a deep breath and held the tears forming in my eyes at bay.  I can mentally hear my heart cracking in pieces as each part of it was being smoothly sliced by a sharp blade.  My forced acceptance of her lifetime decision wavered and I couldn’t stop myself from tearing.  So I took a few steps back and closed the door with regret overwhelming me.  I shouldn’t be here.  I can’t do this after all.

---

For some reason, the recording studio felt unbearably cold for Chansung that morning.  They have been recording his portion in 2PM’s new song for quite a while now and though singing has now become something natural for him, things were just not working as well as they have hoped for.  It was as the producer would put it, “lacking the needed feelings to reach through.”

“Do you want to take a break?”  Chansung heard in his ears as the music was abruptly cut off. 

He looks to the men sitting behind the glass looking questioningly at him.  They were obviously waiting for him to get his act together.  “No-”  He shook his head.  “Sorry, just give me a second.“  He looks around the room as if trying to find inspiration in the padded walls.  There was a silence in the room so deafening that one could hear a pin drop and that silence lasted for a few seconds before he finally gave a signal to the glass.  The tune was about to start when Nichkhun suddenly asked for a little time out, pausing the music again and knocking into the glass before placing his phone against it for Chansung to read.  Chansung looks to the glass again, his eyes squinting as he stared at the phone for quite a while.  “Did everyone receive this?”  He looks at the men on the other side, whose nods brought him to remove his headphone and dropping them onto the floor before moving in a hurry to run out of the booth.

“No!  No!  No!”  He heard the men say as they hold him back right before he could step out completely.  “Finish your part first.”

“Can I see my phone?”

“No.  Do this first then you could do whatever you want.”  Minjun said as he pushed Chansung back into the booth forcibly.  They were running a very tight schedule that was getting tighter with Chansung taking his time recording.  “Finish it fast…and amazingly.”  Minjun said as Chansung moves back into place.

Chansung stood in front of the microphone and placed the headphones once again over his ears, but this time he felt a very different feeling overwhelming him.  This time, when the beautiful piano tune started playing in his ears, he did not hesitate, he allowed the music to take him where he needed to go.  He took a deep breath and closed his eyes and began to sing… He began to sing as he thought of seeing your beautiful smile again.

Several minutes later and he was done and everyone was greatly relieved and satisfied.  He was feeling happiness run through his system as he took off and rushed to you as quickly as he could.  It was only when he stood outside of your door that he realized he had no plan at all.  He absolutely had no idea what comes after standing in front of your door.  Catching his breath and gathering his courage, Chansung holds up his finger to ring your bell.

“Hello Chansung.”  He still had his finger up in the air, unable to press the bell and staring at it intently when he heard a familiar voice from behind him.  “You came sooner that I thought you would.”  He smiled before he could even turn around.

“Hello you.”  He turned around to face you, taking all of his willpower that he could summon to try to act like everything was normal, trying to act like he wouldn’t fall apart just by seeing at you.  He couldn’t help but look at you up and down, searching for any differences from the last time he had seen you.  “You’re still beautiful.”

Your smile was like sunrise.  “Well, thank you.  I thought you’d say I gained weight.”  You were doing the exact same thing to him.  You reached out your hand and touched his hair that’s now a little longer, colored lighter and wavy than it was last time.  “This is new.”

“You have no idea how many times it has changed since you’ve been gone.”  He stepped closer and wrapped his arms around you in a hug and with a soft smile, he leaned down and kissed your forehead.  All his love flowed with that kiss, which he knew you will take as a friendly gesture.  “Welcome home.”  He whispered.

“I’m glad I’m home.”  Your breath caught in your throat as the familiar smell of his skin triggered a cascade of reactions in your body that caused the blood to rush out of your brain.  You stepped back with a deep breath in an attempt to calm your nerves, unlock the front door and let him in to your home.  “I just went out for milk.  I had the pizza delivered and realized I run out of milk.”

“I see you still do the pizza and milk thing.”  Chansung grins as he stayed close to you, draping an arm over your shoulders as you enter.

“Well…This is home.”

It was a large open room that combined the living area with the kitchen, divided only by the counter and the wooden bar stools.  The lacquered wooden flooring went well with the exposed bricks and beams and somehow went unexpectedly well with the shocking teal colored furniture you have chosen.  It was different, very much different from the house you were supposed to live in with Tom and with the house you used to live in with Chansung.  This one suited you.  It was you.

Chansung shed his oversized grey cardigan and hung it over a chair and looked around, touching almost everything he passes.  “I like it.  It’s very … very you.”

“I know.”  You looked excited and proud as you showed him around.  “I made sure of that.”

“Do you need a roommate?”  Chansung smiled flirtatiously at you as he picked up a kokeshi doll from the shelf.

“I only have one room.”

“That’s not a problem for me.”  He teased and you merely stuck your tongue out at him.

You smiled as you flopped down on your teal colored couch facing the arched paned windows.  “The first thing I did as soon as I got back was to sign on this place, decorate it the next and then move all my stuff in.  Actually, I still haven’t even finished packing.”

“Wait.”  He sits down beside you moving a couple of dark blue pillows out of the way.  “I thought we agreed that you would call me as soon as you arrive.”

“No, we didn’t.”  You shake your head with a grin that crept over your face.  “You just said you wanted your red shirt as soon as I get back.  For all you know, I could’ve mailed it to you before I even returned.  You just haven’t received the parcel yet.”

Chansung arched an eyebrow at you as he deflated visibly.  “You wouldn’t…”

“Yes, I wouldn’t.”  You laughed as you stood to walk towards the kitchen pulling him up together with you.  “We should probably eat before the pizza gets any colder.  You’re lucky I ordered in.  You know, you should really call first before coming by.” 

“I couldn’t help run to you.”  He muttered under his breath as he followed you, giving your hand a slight squeeze.

“I’m sorry, what?”  You turned to him.

“Nothing.”  He ducks his head low.

The comment hung in the air and he was caught in your gaze like a fly in a web.  “Was it?”  You asked, a pang of sadness rushing through you as you looked him dead straight in the eyes.

“No.”  He gave in and stepped closer, touching a lock of hair that came loose from your ponytail.  “It was never nothing with you.”  He met your gaze, the intense affection in your eyes made you inhale sharply.

Everything has changed between you and Chansung and yet everything was the same.  Your conversations still held the same depth, the same teasing quality that you two always had, but somehow there was a bit more.  There was the knowledge that there was something more than just friendship, just something more than what you both used to be.

You blushed and broke off the stare to grab the milk carton.  “We should eat.”  You offered him a slice avoiding his eyes and he chuckled, shaking his head as he reached for the pizza you were handing him.

His gaze was caught fondly by a set of tiny sculptures made out of forks and spoons bent and welded together into people shapes to hold the salt and pepper shaker and a few shot glasses on one side of the counter.  “This looks interesting.”  He grabs one to take a closer look.

“They do, right?”  You smiled as you picked up the rest to show him. 

“Where did you get them?”

“Sadiq got them for me when we went to that small novelty shop by the beach.  There were also some matching …”  You trailed off to watch him work his jaw to the side a bit.

A vicious whale breached in Chansung’s stomach, splashing the acid about with disregard to his feelings.  He didn’t miss the smile you gave as you mentioned the name of another man.  “So, who’s Sadiq?”  He arched an eyebrow at you over his pizza.

You blushed as you looked down at the pizza box seemingly looking for the biggest slice.  “He’s a friend of a friend that took me around the area while I was on vacation.”

“Hmmm…”  He hummed disbelieving and you giggled softly at his reaction.  “Took you around...as in…you two went on dates together?”  He did his best to seem disinterested, but he couldn’t even look at you.

“Yes, something like that.”  You watched as his shoulders slouched with your reply and he drops the pizza back on the box.  “Date to be exact.  We had one and that was it.”

There was a long pause and then he asked the question that has been gnawing at him all the while you’ve been apart.  “So…are you dating anyone now?”

“Sort of, something like that.”  You smiled at him.  “It’s kind of in an odd complicated way right now, but yes…I think I am or at least I hope to be.”

You watched Chansung’s jaw grinding, a muscle in his cheek twitching over and over as he nods his head slowly.  “Lucky man.”

“You think so?”  You asked, giving him a look that was equally hopeful and dubious.  “I don’t know how he feels about it though or what he’d think of it, but I’ve done a lot of thinking lately while I was away and I realized…I would like to have someone I could share my life with again.  You know, someone to have a good conversation with at the end of the day, someone I could watch a movie with or do laundry with, someone I could share take-outs with or just someone to sit beside with.  I guess I finally realized I’m ready to love someone again with my whole heart.  What do you think?”  Chansung watched you as you spoke.  You were radiant and glowing with enthusiasm, something he had never seen in you before, even at your happiest moments with Tom.

Chansung sighs, sets his food down, wiped his hand with the napkin and stood up.  “I think I should probably get going?”

“Really?”  He nodded and you stood awkwardly by as he gathered his cardigan from the chair.  “Did I do something wrong?”

He shakes his head and turns to you.  “I’m glad you’re finally happy.  I am…I really am.  I just…”  Chansung his lips between his teeth and bit down a moment.  “-You know, I’ve been told it’s been a chore for everyone to get me to focus lately.”  He forces a smile.  “You see, it’s been difficult for me without you.  And then you came back and I thought…well you know what I thought…but then…”  He took a deep breath and lets it out slowly.  He lets his eyes flutter close as his lips pressed a gentle kiss on your cheek.  He had no way to tell you how disappointed and hurt he was.  “I’m just glad you’re happy again.  I hope he knows how lucky he is to have you love him.”

“Do you?”  You looked up at him and smiled.

His brows narrowed in confusion.  “Do I what?”

“Do you know how lucky you are to have me love you?”  You asked slowly as if to a highly unintelligible child.

“Huh?”

“You really are a little stupid aren’t you?  I was talking about you.  I was referring to you.  I’m in an odd complicated relationship with you.”  You can see the realization dawning in his eyes as you fight back a laugh.  “That is if you will still have me.  If I could still be –“

Your words were cut off by Chansung’s lips.  He then drops his cardigan to the floor and held your face in his hands, his lips firm on yours.  “I never stopped loving you.”  He said against your lips.  “You’re the stupid one for being too slow to realize that you love me.”

“Is that right?”  You held on to his wrists as he clasped your face.

“Uhm.”  He nodded with a grin.

“That’s the reason why I left.  I wanted to know what I wanted out of life and I found out that the answer was you all along.  I found out I could be happy even when I’m alone, even on my own without a man by my side, but I also found out that I am happier, immeasurably, extremely happier when I’m with you.”  You blew out a lungful of air to ease the nervousness building inside.  “So here I am now, asking to be with you.  Can you be mine?”  There was the hopeful expectant look on your face tinged with the slightest bit of trepidation.

Chansung’s jaw dropped slightly in surprise at your question.  “I would want nothing more than to be yours.”  He smiled tremendously as he pulled you against his very firm, very familiar chest and you melted against him with the contact.

----

There are people who believe they never should’ve fallen in love, never should’ve loved again or never should’ve believed in true love altogether.  I say…don’t.  Don’t be one of those people.  Hold on even if things seems so terrible, so miserable that you’re beginning to be tempted to give up.  Believe even though it feels like it’s impossible to put the pieces of your broken heart back.  Nothing is truly impossible for those who truly wants it and for those who are willing to try.

Remember that the first step in rebuilding anything is tearing down the ruins that have fallen apart over the years.  It can be painful, but I tell you it’s worth it.

Get yourself back on track and don’t be closed to the idea that someday, someone will give you your life back.