A/N: A sequel to 4 letters Taeyeon writes to Jessica (+1 she sends) in the previous chapter. Please read that first before reading this.

The number 0 does not have its own Roman numeral, but the word nulla (the Latin word meaning "none") was used by medieval computists in lieu of 0. (The things you learn when writing fic...)

Spoiler: this has a happier ending than its prequel.

(nulla. Congratulations on the solo. I like the song. And the album. And. I hope you know that the continuation of your musical career has made a lot of people very happy. Wishing you the best, always. –TY

It’s a bad idea to keep this note, she knows. It’s a terrible idea to keep reading it, as though she hasn’t memorized it already, as though the words aren’t haunting her more with each reread, each breath, each heartbeat. It’s possibly the worst idea ever to reply to it. Jessica knows all this, but she can’t let go of the pen in her hand.)

i. Congratulations on the comeback. I love the song – not as much as I love ‘I,’ but that’s because ‘I’ was just so…you. I was so you. Haha, that sounds like a great pun and I didn’t even try. I almost wish it could be true. I mean, not that I could be you, or that you could be me, but that we could be us. I..

Jessica’s pen runs out of ink here, one dot short of an ellipsis, and maybe that’s for the best. She doesn’t really know what to say next anyway.

ii. Before I congratulate you on your comeback, I should congratulate you on your debut. I never did, did I? Not because I didn’t want to – believe me, I wanted to. I want to. You were amazing. You are amazing. I’ve always thought this and I always will. I’m not saying this because I lo know you, I’m saying this because I have ears and they work (a miracle, really, after ten years with Tiffany). I mean, I’m not going to wish you good luck because a) you don’t need it and b) I want to win, but – everything you’ve won, everything you’ve achieved, you deserve it. You deserve it all, and I hope that you’re happy. I always will.

She runs her hand over the glossy cover of Taeyeon’s new album. Rain. The cover of her I album is no longer sleek, after all the times that Jessica’s been through it. She’s listened to the songs many times, which she thinks is reasonable, but she’s looked at the photos of Taeyeon far too many times to maintain any semblance of reason. She thought that she knows what Taeyeon looks like as well as she knows her own reflection, but she’s long since realized that memories and photographs can only do so much. One look at the real Taeyeon, one furtive glance, one prolonged stare, and… All the pictures in the world could never compare.

iii. I miss a lot of things about you – your laugh that just takes over your whole body, your lame jokes and your lamer puns, your kimchi fried rice even though you always burn the rice at the bottom – but after watching you onstage, I especially miss your voice. We’ve both spent a lot of time in the industry, we’ve both listened to many, many amazing singers, and to me, you are the best. I know you’re not going to believe me, you’re going to say I’m biased (I am), I’m wrong (I’m not), I’ve spent too much time listening to you (I haven’t). You’re going to argue with me, because that’s what you do – you believe insults so much more readily than compliments. You’re so vulnerable against criticism and so guarded against praise. I wonder what it says about me that I find this flaw endearing.

Several people have brought up how “great” it would be if she sang a duet with Taeyeon. She even got asked outright in an interview whether she would want to, and she had somehow managed to laugh the question off even though it made something shake inside her. Does she want to sing a duet with Taeyeon? Another duet, after Want & Resent, after September 30^th, after 8 years? It’s not a question of want. It never has been.

iv. Thanks for your congratulations. It means a lot to me that you like my music. And I don’t mean ‘you’ in a generic sense, I mean you. Taeyeon. You said that my singing has made a lot of people happy. Are you one of those people? To me, you’ve never been just one person in a crowd, just anyone. You are too special and too weird for that. You are… U R. I can only hope that I can make you happy in any capacity. Even in my dreams, I don’t make you happy. I don’t make you smile or laugh. And when I wake up from them, I’m not happy either. I suppose we were never very good at making each other happy, were we? We made each other feel… We made each other feel, period, and even if that feeling wasn’t happiness, at least it’s better than not feeling anything at all. Right?

It’s a question that she’s asked herself many times, that human beings have asked themselves many times. She’s read before that pain is better than numbness, that feeling hurt is better than feeling nothing. It comes back to the famous question of whether it is better to have loved and lost, or to never have loved at all. And for Jessica, it comes back to the question of whether you can miss what you never had.

v. (i.) Congratulations on the all-kill comeback and looking so tall on the couch in the MV. Both are very impressive achievements, but I only expected the first one. I love the song and the album, but especially ‘Rain.’ It suits you. There’s this one line especially that I keep replaying: “Stopping at the time that was clear, staying wet in the memories, I draw you who was beautiful in the rain.” It sounds a lot like us, doesn’t it? I wonder if we’ll ever be under the rain together again. –J

A part of Jessica wants to leave the note on a table and walk away, like what Taeyeon had done. Another part of her wants to not send the note at all, to leave herself a measure of protection, an avenue of escape.

Jessica ends up holding the note and trying not to crinkle it in her fidgeting fingers as she waits for Taeyeon. She feels vaguely like a villain in a movie, standing in the shadows as she waits for the heroine to return to a place she thought safe. It makes her wonder if there’s a good vs. bad person here, and if there is, which one she falls under.

“Hey, I think you have the wrong—” Taeyeon freezes when she gets a good look at her. “Jessica?”

“Yes, that’s my name, and no, I don’t think I have the wrong room. Unless you’re not Taeyeon. Are you?”

Taeyeon just keeps staring at her without blinking or moving, and Jessica starts to feel awkward. Well, even more awkward.

“I am,” Taeyeon finally says. “Just with a haircut.”

Jessica’s fingers itch with the desire to reach out and touch Taeyeon’s hair, to check whether it’s as soft as it looks. The haircut makes her look even younger, but Taeyeon doesn’t look very young right now, with the way she’s looking at Jessica. Well, she does look young but also timeworn, hopeful but also weary. She looks like the Taeyeon Jessica remembers but also not, and it has nothing to do with the haircut. Suddenly, Jessica wonders if it was a Very Bad Idea to come here.

Taeyeon turns, and for a second, Jessica thinks that she’s going to walk away, that she can’t even handle being in the same room as Jessica. But – no, she closes the door and comes back, standing one step closer to Jessica but still so far away.

“I like the haircut,” Jessica ventures.

A ghost of a smile crosses Taeyeon’s face. “No, you don’t.”

“No, I don’t,” Jessica agrees, and it gets a full smile from Taeyeon. “You know I like long hair.”

Taeyeon tilts her head. “It’s been a long time since you had short hair.”

“I don’t miss those times.”

“I do,” Taeyeon says, so frankly, so readily, that Jessica’s breath freezes in her lungs. Her chest aches with it, aches with Taeyeon.

“Even though we spent every other minute performing Gee?”

“Well.” Taeyeon shrugs. “Everything has a price.”

Jessica swallows. “That’s true.”

Taeyeon makes a sound, similar to a sigh but not quite. “You didn’t come here to talk to me about hair, did you?”

“Well, I could have. Hair is an interesting and important topic.”

The almost-smile makes a comeback. Jessica wants to see her full, real one. “I hope I haven’t disappointed you too much with the change to mine.”

“You couldn’t disappoint me if you tried,” Jessica says, and the near-smile is wiped clean from Taeyeon’s face. “Taeyeon.” Her voice comes out small, plaintive, and Taeyeon’s expression changes into something softer but still closed off.

“Jessica.”

“I got your…note, earlier.”

Taeyeon looks like she’s been caught committing a crime, like a child with their hand stuck in the cookie jar. “Did you?”

Jessica holds her gaze, not letting her look away. “Yeah.”

Taeyeon clears . “Did you…”

“Like it? Yeah.”

So soft, a whisper that can barely be made out. “I’m glad.”

“I have a reply for you.” Jessica holds out her letter, the one that had taken too many tries and tears to write.

Taeyeon eyes it like it’s a ticking bomb, not making a move to take it.

“It’s a piece of paper,” Jessica says wryly. “It’s not dangerous.”

Taeyeon gives her a look that asks really, and Jessica considers taking the letter back, tucking it away. Well, it’s too late for that because Taeyeon reaches for it, takes it from Jessica’s suddenly limp hand. Their fingers graze ever so slightly, a fleeting moment of contact.

“Thank you,” Taeyeon says, at the same time Jessica blurts out, “Congratulations,” and then they both just stare at the other, less like they have nothing else to say but more like they’re saying it without words.

Jessica clears . “Aren’t you going to read it?”

Taeyeon looks down at the note. “Not in front of you.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“I didn’t mean it like—” Taeyeon raises her head and meets Jessica’s eyes. “I don’t know what my reaction would be. I don’t want you to see me like, break down in tears or something.” Her tone is light, but her words hang heavily in the air.

“You missed me breaking down in tears when I read yours.”

Taeyeon gives her a hesitant look. “Are you joking?”

Jessica meets her gaze evenly. “Do you think I am?”

Taeyeon bites her lip. “I don’t know,” she admits. “I don’t know when you are anymore.” It sounds like I don’t know who you are anymore, and it hurts.

“Taeyeon,” Jessica whispers.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have written the note. Well, I shouldn’t have sent it. I thought that it would be safe but I should have just gotten rid of it like the other ones.”

Jessica’s brow furrows. “The other ones?”

“That wasn’t the first letter I wrote to you. I’ve written a lot. I just didn’t send them.”

Jessica had no idea that Taeyeon had done the same thing as her, but in retrospect, she should have expected it. That note means so much to her and says so little. She wonders if Taeyeon had written the things she left out in other notes, if she still has those notes. She wonders if she’ll ever get a chance to see them, or even better, to hear them from Taeyeon.

“What did they say?”

“They said a lot of things, but most of those things boiled down into one.”

Jessica wants to ask what that one thing is, even though she has a good guess, but instead of telling her, Taeyeon takes a step toward her, and then another, and then she’s right in front of Jessica, close enough to touch. Close enough to kiss.

“Tell me,” Taeyeon breathes as she leans in, the words a flutter of breath over Jessica’s lips, “if you don’t want this.”

Jessica could punch Taeyeon for asking such a stupid question, and she gets as far as lifting her arm, but said arm winds around Taeyeon’s neck and pulls her closer. There’s a second when their eyes meet before their lips, and Jessica sees something glimmering in Taeyeon’s, like starlight or raindrops, but then their mouths are pressed together, their bodies following suit, and she can’t focus on anything beyond that.

They tell each other three words afterwards, three words that didn’t make it to either of their letters, but maybe they’re just too good at going around in circles. Maybe they’re better writers than they are talkers, better singers than they are speakers, but really, some words are meant to be said.

A/N: When I started writing this, I was worried that the voices of the letters would be too similar, but Jessica The Letter Writer kind of just took a life of her own? Which I'm happy with. I hope that the differences between Taeyeon's and Jessica's letters came through.