A/N: Wrote sad flashfic on my phone again. I guess that's a thing with me now. When the "almost" line came up, I suddenly remembered that Jessica had a song named that. #fail So - this has nothing to do with the song, just putting it out there. I think my writer's block is finally lifting, but I probably jinxed it just now. Shout out to Kath, Carm and Jenn. Hope you're all doing well and only better from here on out! xoxo

Taeyeon still remembers the words of advice a sunbae told her when she was a trainee, still young and naive and unaware of how much she would one day give and give up.

“In this industry, in this life, love doesn’t come easily and it doesn’t stay easily, so if you find it, make sure you grab onto it and don’t let go.”

But how can you grab onto something that isn’t tangible? How can you hold a waking dream in your hand?

Taeyeon stares at the sleeping woman beside her, the blankets tangled around her bare form, what showed of her skin pale and practically glowing in the moonlight. Taeyeon had been so careful last night, so careful not to too hard, hold too tight, so careful not to leave any marks behind even though all she wanted was to leave some reminder, some imprint of herself on Jessica’s skin. All she wanted was to create something that can last.

She rolls over onto her side and away from Jessica, even though all she wants is to look at her and hold her and touch her. All she wants is to be with her, but even when they’re together they feel apart.

Jessica had fallen asleep clutching Taeyeon’s hand in a death grip, but sometime in her sleep she had loosened her hold, had let go. Taeyeon had flexed her fingers afterwards, feeling the blood return to them, resisting the urge to reach for Jessica’s hand again, to reach for her and make sure she doesn’t let go this time.

What’s the point in prolonging the goodbye? Jessica is never in her bed or her arms for long. Jessica is never hers for long. Come morning and she’ll return to Blanc & Eclare, and Taeyeon will return to SNSD, and they’ll go on living their divergent lives until the sun sinks and the moon rises and Jessica steals into Taeyeon’s bed like a recurring dream that leaves her with a caved in chest when she wakes up.

Taeyeon rolls back over and comes face to face with Jessica, who’s awake and looking at her like a person dying of thirst staring at a fountain in the desert, unsure whether they’re seeing salvation or a mirage.

“You’re awake.” Taeyeon’s throat feels like it’s lined with sandpaper.

“You let go of my hand,” Jessica says in a small voice, like it had woken her up when she can and has slept through everything from thunderstorms to Sooyoung’s snoring.

Taeyeon swallows, almost chokes on the lump in . “I’m sorry,” she says, even though it was Jessica who had let go.

“You don’t have any blanket.” Jessica frowns. “You’re going to catch a cold.”

Taeyeon only just realizes that Jessica has taken all of the blanket and left her with next to nothing.

“It’s okay,” Taeyeon says. The blanket isn’t the only thing Jessica has done that with. It’s okay. Taeyeon’s okay.

Jessica’s frown deepens, a dent forming between her eyebrows. “It’s not okay,” she says. “Here, take some back.” She grabs some of the blanket and pulls it over Taeyeon, leaving one of her own shoulders uncovered, the skin smooth and inviting, begging for a mark.

Taeyeon stares openly and intently and unabashedly, feeling like she’s only allowed to look, not touch. She’s had Jessica skin against skin only hours ago, had her underneath her and on top of her and inside her, and Jessica’s right beside her now, only a fingertip away, but she suddenly feels very, very far away.

“Taeyeon,” Jessica whispers, like the feel of Taeyeon’s name in pains her. Taeyeon knows the feeling.

“Yeah?” Taeyeon whispers back.

Jessica takes her hands and just holds them in her own, and they look at each other, take in each other, memorize each other, both of them experts by now at taking fleeting moments and stretching them out until they almost seem enough.

Almost. It’s a word, a state Taeyeon is very familiar with now. She lives in almost’s, through almost’s, collects them and strings them together to try to make an enough out of them. She hasn’t succeeded yet, but she won’t give up so easily.

Jessica tugs Taeyeon along with her, fingers wrapped around her wrists like bracelets, like manacles, until she’s lying right against Jessica, pressed flush against her. Jessica lets go of one of her hands to slip the blanket over both of them, and then laces their fingers together.

“Don’t let go this time,” she cautions.

“I won’t,” Taeyeon promises, and resolves to hold on with everything she has.

Jessica kisses her, as fleeting as a dream, as haunting as a nightmare. She stares at Taeyeon for a long moment and Taeyeon sees a fragment of almost in her eyes that Taeyeon thinks must be mirrored in her own.

“Good night, Taeng.”

“Good night, Sica.”

Jessica falls asleep first, and Taeyeon follows her soon after. She wakes up alone with the other pillow and her heart still dented with the imprint of Jessica’s presence. It takes her a moment to shake off her blanket, wrapped tightly around her like a poor substitute for a lover’s embrace. Her waking dream, however, isn’t so easy to shake off.

A/N: The last line seems to have caused some confusion. That's my fault; I should have worded it better. The events of the fic really happened; they weren't literally a dream. Jessica really was there; they really did spend the night together, and Jessica left in the morning before Taeyeon woke up, as per usual. The last line refers to the part about Jessica being like a recurring dream that hurts Taeyeon when she wakes up. That's how Taeyeon feels every morning when she wakes up to an empty bed - that all she had was a dream, that Jessica was only a dream and what they have can never be reality.