A/N: I was working on another TaengSic fic and then suddenly I was struck by the thought WHAT IF TAEYEON WROTE A BUNCH OF LETTERS TO JESSICA BUT NEVER SENT THEM and this happened. I kid you not, that is actually exactly what happened in my brain. Also, this is really, really depressing lmao, don't say I didn't warn you!

i. You know how people say that you don’t know what you have until it’s gone? Well, I never had you in the first place, so I can’t really lose you, can I, but I still feel like I did. I still feel lost and at a loss. I still… I still see you: the way you look in the morning when you’re not awake enough to open your eyes all the way, and the way you look at night when you have toothpaste on your chin and the way you look all the hours in between. I still hear you: how you hum along when Yuri sings in the car and you don’t even realize you’re doing it, how you sing in the shower but you never finish a song because you get bored halfway through, how you squeal when Yoona holds a cucumber in your face even though we’ve all done that to you for years. I still feel you. I still miss you. I still lo—

Here the ink is smudged, splattered with drops of moisture like the writer had spilled their drink as they were writing, and the rest of the words can’t be made out.

ii. Did you know that ‘Gemini’ is my favourite song on the album? Did you know that it took the most tries for me to record because my voice kept breaking while singing it? Did you know that I wrote a different version of the lyrics that the company rejected because they said it sounded ‘too painful and too raw’? Did you know that it reminds me of you? Did you know

Sooyoung yells for her to stop lazing in bed and get a move on they’re going to be late this is not the time to channel her inner sloth. Taeyeon’s mouth curls up, turns down, trembles and settles into an in-between slant. Later, they ask her if she stayed up writing lyrics again and she says yes. She tells herself that she’s not really lying.

iii. I was listening to a playlist today and ‘Want and Resent’ came on. I almost spilled my coffee all over myself when my arm jerked up. I didn’t know whether I wanted to turn the volume higher or to turn it off entirely. Don’t you ever feel that way about life? Anyway, I’m getting off track. I do that a lot. Do you remember how you used to tease me about that and I said it must’ve been especially hard for you because you processed everything two seconds late and I had already switched to another topic by then? I guess we were never very compatible, were we?

The last note of ‘Want and Resent’ hangs in the air for a fraction of a second, or maybe a fraction of infinity, and the song goes back on loop. Taeyeon’s finger hovers over the mouse, hesitant, torn, and she eventually lifts her hand and sinks back in her seat; listening, remembering, wanting.

iv. When they told me that your debut was scheduled at the same time as mine, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Really, that’s not an unfamiliar feeling for me, when it comes to you. I think I did a pretty good job not showing that, but Tiffany looked at me with these sad eyes all day long and Joohyun kept offering me tea like she was afraid I would go for something stronger. You know how you guys always complain that I keep my feelings to myself all the time? Obviously, I don’t do a good job at that, do I? I’ve always been an ‘actions speak louder than words’ person, you know that (you know better than anyone). And yet, I’ve been writing all these letters to you. I’m a better writer than I thought. If only I could be a better person and send one.

Of course, it happens, the thing that Taeyeon wanted and feared the most. She bumps into Jessica backstage, literally, the “sorry” passing her lips right as she realizes who it is and freezes. Jessica turns motionless as well, the two of them staring at each other like statues forever meant to look, not touch. Taeyeon doesn’t say any of the things she had planned, and Jessica doesn’t question why Taeyeon is so close to Jessica’s dressing room rather than her own. There’s a moment when Taeyeon opens , when Jessica takes a breath, but then another idol group passes by, followed by a PD holding a camera, and they give each other a strained smile and continue on their paths. Parallel paths, Taeyeon thinks, for two lines that are not meant to meet. Maybe she’ll put that in her next letter.

v. (i.) Congratulations on the solo. I like the song. And the album. And. I hope you know that the continuation of your musical career has made a lot of people very happy. Wishing you the best, always. –TY

Jessica stares at the note left on her dresser, a corner pinned down by a bottle of nail polish that had dripped onto it, leaving glittery black spots as dark as they are bright, until her eyes start to burn. Her mascara claims to be waterproof, but when she brings a hand to her eyes, her fingers come away smudged with black like the note held carefully in her trembling fingers.

The rational, sensible part of her tells her to throw the note away, right now, to tear it up into tiny pieces that can never be put back together, or at least to tuck it somewhere far away, out of sight and out of mind, behind clothes she’ll never wear again and books she’ll never read again and thoughts she tried to never have again.

The other part of her, the part that she tries not to listen to most of the time, wants to read the note again and again, until the words are imprinted behind her eyelids, tattooed into her palms, wants to flatten the note against her chest and hold it there until she’s forced to let go. Really, she knows that it’s not the note she wants to hold onto, but like Taeyeon said, how can you miss what you never had?

Blinking hard and fighting a battle she knows is already lost, she finds a piece of paper and a pen.