On any other evening I would have smiled at the couples filling the cafe sidewalk. I would have seen my future reflected in them, my hand being touched gently by a man who adored me and a shy smile playing on my lips. But not tonight. I tugged at the new dress which the store assistant swore looked so flattering. No I wonder if he'll think it's too short. With each tug the front goes lower and so I stop. With no time to go home to change, I'm just going to have to wing it. Those women at the tables look so casual, some aren't even wearing make up. Maybe I should have done that, show him that I'm at ease in our relationship that I can show up in the jeans I wore all day. At least in the fading light the colors aren't so garish, because I just want to find a quiet place to hide. I pulled out my phone, not to check for messages but to flick through several photographs of him. There's just something about these candid shot that sets my heart racing almost too quick. "Calm yourself down..." I muttered, placing the phone back into my handbag. I looked up and I could see Jiho from a distance. My heart started beating fast again. He was wearing a cream colored top and black trousers, finished by a khaki cardigan he threw on which only seemed to scream "effortless". However, he got better the more I looked. His rich chocolate hair and strong, thick eyebrows; he looked so good, it could be illegal. "Did you wait long?" Jiho questioned as he flashed me a tiny smile. I could only shake my head. "Let's go in, shall we?" He offered, stretching out his hand. 

Being the gentleman he is, Jiho led me towards a table as he pulled the chair out for me to sit, "You look beautiful, Soyeon." he commented. "Thank you." I answered meekly. God, I was trying so hard not to blush. What's gotten into me? I don't get shy easily. I was too caught up with my own thoughts, I hadn't even realised that Jiho had already ordered drinks for us, and is now staring straight at me. I blinked and looked away immediately, sipping onto my iced coffee.

"What are you thinking about? You look so serious." He chuckled.

"It's nothing much, really. How was your day?" Wow. What a way to change the subject. 

"I've been working a new track, took me a whole day to complete half of it and I'm beat." He continued, "but here I am with you now, I'm not that tired anymore." Jiho grinned at me. He's so cute! Oh my gosh. Calm the f- Calm down, Soyeon. "What about you, how was your day?" He asked. "Well, you know, same old." I replied. That earned a frown from him. "Are you still searching for jobs?" He sighed, "I told you that you should come work with me instead, at least I'll treat you well. Besides, I'd needed some inspiration from time to time and I could use your help." 

"I do appreciate that, Jiho. But I really have to look for a job that I really like and suits me at the same time." I said, stirring the coffee with my straw. At that moment, Jiho placed his cup down and looked at me as he began to speak, "Would you like to hear this business proposal that I have?" I looked up. I noticed the way his eyebrows raised a centimetre or two, lined with something between anxiousness and excitement. His eyes twinkled in amusement as if he knew something I didn't. "Sure." I said. 

"Well..." Jiho paused, fiddling with his knuckles before the corners of his lips were lifted upwards. He smiled. A smile that seemed so genuinely sweet with just the right touch of shyness, that unexpected warmth came rushing through me. "Would you take up this job of being my girlfriend?"

I haven't been answering Jiho's calls nor messages. I didn't know what to say to him. I was afraid he'd coming looking for me so I decided to move somewhere else, just for awhile. The rent wasn't high, so it was still alright for me. I had to find a job quickly though. I realised finding a job online wouldn't get me anywhere, so I made up my mind to head out and look for one instead. What's pathetic about me is that I still don't have a proper job at this age. I've been doing so many part time jobs over the years but money just don't seem enough. The only job that I enjoyed doing was illustrating for a children's book a few months ago. Well, I guess that's what you get for not going to college. 

It was dreadfully hot today. I needed something cold. I paced down the street trying to look for shops that sold drinks. Ah, a supermarket, just what I needed. Pulling the doors open, I made my way towards the beverage section. Without much decision, I grabbed a cold bottle of water and proceeded to pay. As the queue was fairly long, I could wait no longer and opened the bottle, chugging the water down my throat. Drinking cold water in this heat felt like the greatest luxury on earth. My fingers slided on the condensation before they regained their grip on the bottle. I felt the chill run down my esophagus while my head made an involuntary shake. Oh God, this is so good. Just as I was about to finish the last few drops of water, I swear I could hear Irene's voice somewhere in the supermarket. Stopping what I was doing, I looked around. She could not see me here. I didn't want her to. "Excuse me, miss." Came the voice of the cashier. I turned, realising that it was my turn to pay. I placed the almost finished bottle down as I fished out my wallet. There she was, from the corner of my eye, Irene could be visibly seen at the confectionery section. She was linking arms with a guy which I couldn't quite make out as he had his face covered by someone's head. I widened my eyes. Wait, no that couldn't be.... It was Jiho. Jiho and Irene. Jiho and Irene linking arms. Jiho and Irene laughing and giggling to themselves. What? My head was spinning. I could not digest the scene that was happening right in front of me. "Miss?" The cashier prompted again. Taking out a two dollar bill hurriedly, I placed it on the counter, "Keep the change." I uttered in a shaky voice, leaving the bottle. 

"What was going on back there?" I thought, running towards the other side of the road. Why were they together? Why were they being so intimate? Are they dating? So many thoughts were swirling round my head. Is Jiho cheating on me? No, I wouldn't exactly call it cheating. I sighed as I rubbed my temples. After collecting my thoughts and managing to stay calm, I decided to carry out what I had in mind.
 

The doorbell rang. I texted Jiho after arriving home, he offered to come over. I led him towards the sofa and we sat down. "Drinks?" I asked. He shook his head, "Why are you living here? What about the other place?" he questioned, concerned.

"I just wanted to get away for awhile. By the way, I think you can have the keys back, I'll be staying here for some time."

"Ah- But you can still have the keys though, I'm staying at my parents'."

"I don't want to be indebted to you anymore, Jiho." I replied, my voice slightly raised. He looked at me quizzically. "What does that mean?" 

All of a sudden, I felt afraid. Was I really going to do this? A few days ago I was ready to break up with Jiho, and now I was chickening out. My eyes met his. There they were, the same set of eyes that had got me go captivated, so familiar to me, so full of warmth. Those were the eyes that could make you feel like home. "Soyeon?" I looked down and squeezed my eyes shut. My palms were beginning to feel sweaty and the adrenaline coursing through my system was shutting down my ability to think logically. I wanted to run. "I- I..." Gathering my courage, I swallowed my saliva and said to him. "I think we should break up, Jiho." He looked puzzled, "What do you mean? Why?" he queried in disbelief. Trying to fight my tears, I blinked several times. 

"Do you still love me?" I asked. There was a long silence. I could not figure out the look on his face. At that moment, I regretted my choices. It was like he was in deep thoughts, "Soyeon, shame on me to ask, but can I kiss you?" he asked, not shifting his gaze. I looked at him in bewilderment. Is this what the situation is supposed to be? I ask for a break up and he wants to know if he could kiss me? Jiho scooted closer to me. The kiss came out of nowhere. Heat engulfed my body almost immediately. The kiss was soft, and gentle, and chaste. I didn't know what to feel. Why does it feel so wrong to kiss him? His lips were held against mine for a few seconds before he began to move them slowly and cautiously. It wasn't long before I began to move my lips together with his in perfect sync. My entire body had been taken over by the overwhelming feeling of relief, combined with eccentric panic, and lust, and I had no intention of letting go. I felt Jiho's hand moving to the back of my head. His fingers tangled in my hair as he pulls me closer towards him, deepening the kiss. My heart was beating at an unbalanced speed and I could feel my body being starved of oxygen. He pulled away all of a sudden and clutched on to his head. I wanted to scream. Half of me wanted to break up with him, but the other half of my wanted him so much more. Finally managing to snap out of it, I looked at Jiho worriedly. It seemed like he was in pain.

"I'm sorry." He broke the silence. "I... I have your answer now." There was something solemn swimming in his eyes. The despairing chill that they conveyed made me feel heartbroken. I looked away. I couldn't bear it. What was usually strength now showed weakness. What used to be joy now showed grief, "I think we should break up too." he finally spoke. It was surprising that I did not react at that point. I nodded. Jiho placed an encouraging hand onto mine and gave it a light squeeze. Those were hands that once reassured me that my world was safe. I clutched onto his thumb with my head bowed down. I was afraid to look him in the eye, because if I did, I fear that I would not be able to let him go once and for all.  
 

My heart felt heavy. Placing my hands in my pockets, I let out a deep sigh. All I could think about was that kiss I had with Soyeon. It felt just like the kiss I had with her days ago, however, it had something extra to it. It was like magic. It was like my brain had lit on fire and the warmth had spread through my entire body. It was so addictive. And the strangest thing was that sharp pain I felt in my head. I could vividly remember the images that flashed through my mind. Was I getting my memory back? I knew it wasn't just an ordinary kiss. I needed more of it. It was as if she was the half that made me whole. Right now, one thing that I was clear of was that I did not love Irene as much as I thought did afterall. Overwhelmed with emotions, I broke down right at her doorstep. I chose to break up with her, not because I didn't love her. I knew she wasn't happy. What more could I do to make her feel happy? Nothing. Because whenever she sees me, the only thing that comes to her is pain. I did not want her to suffer anymore. I wanted her to find someone else that would fix her broken parts, someone who would not make her cry like I did. As much as I tried holding in my tears, the beads of water continued falling down one after another, without a sign of stopping. Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while so that we can see with a clearer view again.
 

the writer's words