Tower by JungMichan

Reviewed by layximi

Title [4/5]

It is a rather predictable title, but it is fitting since it has significance to your story. I do appreciate the simplicity of it though. It does a good job of instilling the appropriate imagery for your story, and I think it will do well in drawing in the right type of readers.   

Description/Foreword [8/10]

I have a few suggestions for your description. I feel like the mentioning of Sehun being the youngest was completely unnecessary and would have been better if omitted. Excess details only muddle your description. Save that detail for your actual story. Also I would suggest rewording your second to last sentence. It has no relevance to a reader that has no knowledge about your world. Regardless, you do a good job of establishing a setting and a general plot.  

Plot/Theme [15/20]

With stories set in a fantasy setting, you have a lot of leeway with what you present as being legitimate, but there was one thing that stood out to me as being slightly illogical. Your main setting is in a University, but you mention dismissals by bells. That doesn’t exist in the University environment, so to sell the realism and legitimacy of your story, you should omit the whole ‘bells’ thing.

When you strip away all the flowery writing, your story is actually quite simple in premise. I actually really like how simple you kept your plot. You didn’t bog it down with senseless side-stories or unnecessary explanations. For a short story like this, your linear plot works well. But at the same time, since your plot was so simple, i think it takes away from potential character development. Because of this, I think it was hard for me to really grow attached to your characters.  

Flow/Writing Style [17/20]

You have a good sense of imagery, and your writing tone is very appropriate for this genre. The story has a very slow pace. Whether or not that is a good thing or not, merely comes down to preference. Overall, your story lacks tension and it takes quite a while for your characters to gain a sense of purpose. It wasn’t as engaging as I wanted it to be. I personally think that your writing style is the strongest point of your story, but unfortunately, that could also be your part of your downfall. Flowery writing is always a plus, but at the same time, there comes a point where it becomes too excessive. I’d say you’re teetering on the line between appropriate and excessive. Just be more mindful of it in future works.  

Character Development [8/15]

Your characters are almost too trusting. Considering your two main characters literally met only a few days ago, there should be some hesitation. I get that sudden tribulations can push people to do things that are usually out of character or rash, but you need to keep in mind the timeline of your characters’ relationships. You can’t expect readers to immediately look at your two protagonists as if they’re this package deal, when they don’t have the history to back up the emotions that your characters are expressing. To summerize, their relationship seemed very rushed. Ultimately, I think you need to better flesh out your characters’ motivations.  

I also think you could have afforded to spend more time developing your side characters. They seem rather one-dimensional at this point, and I think this comes down to the fact that you kept your plot so simple, as I mentioned earlier.

Grammar [19/20]

You tend to leave out commas. Be more mindful of the rhythm of your sentences, and try to watch out for run-on sentences. There were several instances where I felt your sentences could have been cut into multiple sentences instead of one. But at the end of the day, the gripes I have with your grammar are very minor. It’s obvious you have a pretty good sense of the English language.

Enjoyment [6/10]

I find it hard to relate to your characters. I mean, they are written beautifully, but somehow, it feels like there’s some distance between me and them. I’m not sure if it’s because the story is written in the third-person, or because of the general formal tone of the story. There’s a fine line between being poetic and being overly ostentatious. That line is even thinner in such a mainstream platform like AFF. You’ve got to keep in mind the demographic which you are catering to. Not many fanfic readers are willing to wade through hours of flowery imagery to get to the root of the plot. Keep this in mind if you want to gain a wider following. If that’s not something you’re striving for, then just keep doing what you’re doing, and say ‘ mainstream’.

Total [77/100]

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