Tu es tout ce que je veux by Illenjoyluhansmayo

Reviewed by WhisperOfTheSea

Title [4/5]

Since I have been learning French at school for two years, I could decipher a few words in the title. I was going to correct you that ‘Vous’ was wrong since ‘Vous’ is you but it is plural ‘you’, not as in singular ‘you’. But since that someone else has, I’m glad that you’ve corrected your mistake. Don't forget to capitalize the words in your title too; Tu es Tout ce Que Je Veux. I'm not sure how the French capitalize their titles but I'm pretty sure that's equitable, correct me if I'm wrong.

The meaning shown behind the title is very defined and shows well. As Luhan starts to enter into Sehun’s life, Sehun starts to realize things that he has never before. All he wants is Luhan all the way to the end.

Description/Foreword [9/10]

With just the first sentence, I am pulled into the story itself already. The little description of Sehun has me making theories of how Sehun acts in the story and how Luhan will change him. The one thing I need to say is that the sentence “When Luhan comes into his life, suddenly, Sehun’s wings don’t feel so clipped.”, I would remove the comma after ‘suddenly’ because words in between commas are informational ones;  they are parenthetical element. Parenthetical element is a sentence that can be removed without interrupting the flow of the paragraph and changing the meaning of the sentence. If you were to take away ‘suddenly’ in this situation, the sentence would be “When Luhan comes into his life Sehun’s wings don’t feel so clipped.” which doesn’t make sense, you need the comma between ‘life’ and ‘Sehun’. But if you were to take away the comma after ‘suddenly’, the sentence would turn into this “When Luhan comes into his life, suddenly Sehun’s wings don’t feel so clipped.” which makes sense. On the other hand, nothing else looks bad and the description is pretty good.

Plot/Theme [20/20]

I felt like this started with a little french, advancing into a story which then developed its own characters and the purpose of them. As the words continue to pour out, the relationship between the two characters also happen to appear too. Grasping and understanding the meaning and direction of this story was a bit easy but yet like an emotional rollercoaster at the same time. You have Sehun, a dancer who has a leg tumor and accepts his death, and Luhan, a man whose mother is going to die and tries to fight back her death. Two completely opposite situations but one pairing that could understand one another. Through all the rights and wrongs, Sehun rethinks of the situation he is put at as Luhan starts to get closer to him and make him understand the life and future he has ahead of himself.

The vibe given off reading this oneshot was quite a showcase, seeing problems that Luhan and Sehun go through together but separately at the same time. Their thoughts and feelings gave me, as a reader, a feeling of emphasis as I was processing the storyline thoroughly.

Flow/Writing Style [19/20]

The beginning of the story has already lead me reading non stop.  The way you transfer each paragraph to another is smooth and not choppy. You make a new chapter at each different topic of the sentences and I am really amused at the flow you make in the story. But around the middle of “Je t’aime”, you seem to be using too many commas in your sentences. It makes it a bit hard for me to read since I am the type of person to pause for a bit when a comma is present. I will explain what I mean in the Grammar grading part of this review.

Character Development [15/15]

I’ve got to say, the way Luhan and Sehun interact with each other all the way to the end of their meet at the park was quite interesting. At first they were strangers who merely knew a thing about each other but now they’re there, talking about their favorite flavors of bubble tea and the fact that they are already teasing and laughing at each other like long-lost friends. The development there is very hint-able; the way you make them seem close and familiar with each other already. Especially when the days go by, Luhan and Sehun hold a stronger relationship than just being friends. They have mutual feelings, but yet Sehun doesn’t want the amputation to continue living. He thinks dancing is only his life and he would rather die a dancer than live doing nothing. But finally at the end, he realizes that he has something else to live for - someone else - and it is Luhan, a person he deeply loves.

Grammar [15/20]

There wasn’t anything in particular that I saw to count it off as misspelled words and/or missing commas and periods in “Je t’aime”. It’s just that about half way of the oneshot, I realized that you tend to use a lot of commas. Commas are used after phrases or words that come before the main cause.

• By the time they leave the hospital, it’s the early afternoon, so Sehun takes Luhan to a bubble tea shop, and buys Luhan his favourite flavour, taro.

This seems to be a complex sentence, making you add in more commas than you should. In these phrases “By the time they leave the hospital, it’s the early afternoon, so Sehun takes Luhan to a bubble tea shop”, I can tell that you’re using parenthetical element as you’ve added in “it’s the early afternoon” between the two other phrases, but if you were to remove “it’s the early afternoon”, the whole sentence would make no sense whatsoever.

• By the time they leave the hospital so Sehun takes Luhan to a bubble tea shop, and buys Luhan his favourite flavour, taro.

Do you see what I mean? “By the time they leave the hospital, it’s the early afternoon” could be a sentence ending with a period, leaving “so Sehun takes Luhan to a bubble tea shop, and buys Luhan his favourite flavour, taro” as another sentence. While reading the other part of the whole sentence though, I see no reason why you would have to add in the comma between the phrases “so Sehun takes Luhan to a bubble tea shop” and “and buys Luhan his favourite flavour, taro.”. Adding in a comma makes the reader pause for a bit and pausing at that point seemed to disrupt the flow of the sentence. Here is my version of your sentence:

• By the time they leave the hospital, it’s the early afternoon. So Sehun takes Luhan to a bubble tea shop and buys Luhan his favourite flavour, taro.

You just tend to misplace periods with commas and make the sentence seem longer and larger than it really should.

The same goes for this sentence:

• “I’m so sorry I couldn’t be there, but your aunt has come down with a fever, and she lives alone, so I’ll be staying tonight to take care of her.” - said by Sehun’s mom when Sehun called her

My version:

• “I’m so sorry I couldn’t be there. You aunt has come down with a fever, and she lives alone, so I’ll be staying tonight to take care of her.”

Do you see the difference, meaning,  and flow of the sentences with just replacing the comma with a period? This website can give you an insight of how to use commas correctly - Rules for Comma Usage.

Upon reading the Epilogue, I noticed misspelled, missing, and extra words:

• They wheel Sehun over onto a cold metal gurney, and give him an oxygen mask to set over him face.

• The older male hope that Sehun doesn’t notice how he’s shaking, or how there are silent tears rolling down his cheeks, pooling in the creases of the white surgical mask.

• He wakes on on his 15th day with a pounding headache and reaches for a cup of water, pouring it for himself with shaky hands.

To prevent small mistakes, you should proofread the Epilogue if you haven’t.

Correct version of your sentences:

• They wheel Sehun over onto a cold metal gurney and give him an oxygen mask to set over his face.

• The older male hopes that Sehun doesn’t notice how he’s shaking or how there are silent tears rolling down his cheeks, pooling in the creases of the white surgical mask.

• He wakes on his fifteenth day with a pounding headache and reaches for a cup of water, pouring it for himself with shaky hands.

Enjoyment [10/10]

I didn’t cry but I definitely teared up a bit. Before I had even started to review, I couldn’t wait to read your story as I have a thing for angst fanfics. Not only that but seeing it from a reader’s point of view, the description was quite the excitement already.

Total [93/100]

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