Seungwan can’t remember with certain clarity the first time she ever saw Seulgi. That’s just how things are sometimes. One second there’s no one, the next, there’s someone. It works vice versa as well. Seulgi’s just a girl in her class and Seungwan has no idea when she first noticed her or when she even learned her name. That’s just how it is. She barely thinks about Seulgi at all, if she’s being honest, barely even looks at her.

 

Seungwan can, however, remember the moment Seulgi barreled her way into Seungwan's life and stayed there like she was made to be there all along. They play for different soccer teams outside of school - teams considered as sort of rivals in the neighborhood - and games against each other always get a little more out of hand than it probably should for a league full of middle schoolers.

 

Seungwan remembers her team being down a goal, remembers a stray pass from Seulgi's teammate, remembers sprinting to collect it with Seulgi in her peripheral, running to do the same. She remembers the slide tackle that missed its mark and the unmistakable crack of bone when she hit the ground. She remembers a blur of shooting pain and messy tears and the unforgettable image of Seulgi huddled a few feet away from her, clutching her leg to her chest in the same way Seungwan is.

 

They’re rushed to the hospital in the same van, both quiet and dull from the whole situation. Eventually, Seulgi looks over at her, ice pack pressed firmly to her ankle, with the smallest of grins that leaves Seungwan feeling rattled for reasons other than pain.

 

“Sorry about your leg,” she says sheepishly and Seungwan laughs because she’d probably broken her leg and Seulgi was apologizing like she’d just accidentally made Seungwan drop her lunch.

 

Seungwan nods to Seulgi's ice pack. “Sorry about your ankle.”

 

Seulgi shrugs, grimacing slightly when she jostles the ice pack too much. She looks down at the offending limb for a moment before staring back up at Seungwan, a hint of amusement in her eyes that Seungwan thinks she could learn to appreciate.

 

“Do you think this will get us out of gym for a while?” she asks and Seungwan fondly shakes her head, temporarily forgetting just how much pain and discomfort her leg is actually causing her.

 

“Probably,” she answers and Seulgi beams like they hadn’t just tackled each other straight into the emergency room.

 

Seungwan gets a cast for six weeks while Seulgi gets a brace for two and they both get out of gym until they’re fully recovered. They spend their time in the music room instead, supposedly cleaning the instruments, but mostly just playing around. Seulgi picks up a guitar one day, fingers plucking along the strings expertly as Seungwan watches in awe, slightly jealous because she’s only ever been allowed to touch a flute all of her life.

 

“My brother taught me,” Seulgi tells her quietly, fondness creeping into her tone even though she adamantly claims that he’s annoying and useless otherwise.

 

“Can you teach me too?” The words are out before Seungwan can stop them and the way Seulgi looks at her then, eyes tender and soft, will be burned in Seungwan's memory forever.

 

“Of course,” she answers, holding out the neck of the guitar towards Seungwan, who takes it like it’s something to be cherished.

 

Her fingers ghost along Seungwan's own as she guides them into position. Seungwan doesn’t know if the shiver that runs down her spine is because Seulgi's hands are cold or because, despite that, she likes how tenderly Seulgi handles her (like she’s afraid Seungwan's made of glass and this simple touch will shatter her).

 

Seungwan's a fast learner and Seulgi makes for an excellent support system. She cheers whenever Seungwan finally gets a tricky chord down, claps heartily when Seungwan clumsily strums her way through her first song, and is struck silent the first time Seungwan plays and sings at the same time.

 

They spend over a month ditching gym and hiding away in that room, and Seungwan can barely entertain why they’d never talked before because now she can hardly imagine going a day without being able to witness Seulgi's smile or listen to her laugh.

 

Seungwan still can’t remember the first time Seulgi officially came into her life, but she’ll never forget that moment she decided she wanted Seulgi to stay.

 

--

 

“You’re staring.”

 

Seulgi snaps her gaze back to Seungwan, ducking her head to hide the blush creeping up her cheeks.

 

“I was not,” she mutters and Seungwan rolls her eyes, biting into the salad she’d brought for lunch.

 

“Why don’t you just go talk to her?” she asks. “It’s not like she has no idea who you are.”

 

Seulgi sighs, resting her cheek against the wood of the table. Her voice is muffled but Seungwan manages to hear her anyway.

 

“She’s graduating soon,” she answers as if that’s a viable excuse for her ridiculous pining. Seungwan supposes she can’t say much either.

 

Sometimes she catches herself looking at Seulgi, unable to tear her eyes away until the last second. It’s easy to get lost in the curve of her jaw, in the sharp angles of her cheeks, in the softness of her eyes. She’s come a long way since they were thirteen, filling out where she was supposed to and growing into gangly limbs. Seulgi's beautiful now and Seungwan would be damned if she didn’t notice it.

 

“So?”

 

Seulgi lifts her head, staring forlornly at a chip in the wood on the table.

 

“So that means she’s leaving. She’s going to a university back in Daegu.”

 

“Oh,” Seungwan nods and even though she’s never been particularly pleased with Seulgi's attention always being drawn elsewhere, the weariness she sees rest itself on Seulgi's shoulders makes her want to go over to Bae Joohyun and demand to know how she could ever choose Daegu over a girl like Seulgi. Instead, she just places her hand over Seulgi's and hopes it says what she can’t. “I’m sorry.”

 

Seulgi shrugs, smiling wryly. “It’s not like i ever had a chance anyway.”

 

Seungwan wants to tell her that she did, that she doesn’t think there’s anyone who could possibly reject someone like Seulgi, who carries the sun in her smile and the wind in her laugh, but before she can - or before she can tell herself not to - Seulgi reaches over the table, stealing a bite from Seungwan's salad.

 

“Thanks. You didn’t look like you were eating that.” she laughs, all sadness erased from her expression, as Seungwan throws a piece of lettuce at her in retaliation.

 

Seulgi stops searching for eyes that never seem to seek out her own and Seungwan almost forgets what it was like when Seulgi didn’t treat her like she was the center of the universe. But sure enough, weeks later, Joohyun graduates and Seungwan watches as the sun leaves Seulgi's face and a storm takes residence in her eyes.

 

Seungwan puts her own feelings aside, prioritizes friendship over desire, and breaks her own heart so Seulgi can put hers back together. The clouds in Seulgi's eyes clear away, slowly but surely, and when they finally graduate themselves, Seulgi leaves much the same way Joohyun had: happy and blissfully unaware of the girl who loved her more than she loved herself.

 

--

 

College is different in a way that high school never taught her. The classes are relaxed but the work is far more intense and the pressure to do well comes more from herself than it does anyone else. Three years in and Seungwan still doesn’t think she’s used to it.

 

“I need coffee,” Sooyoung announces, bursting into Seungwan's room and falling immediately onto her bed.

 

Her eyes never leave her textbook as Seungwan mutters, “Hello to you too, Sooyoung.”

 

“Coffee,” Sooyoung repeats, voice muffled against the comforter.

 

Seungwan sighs, leaning back against the chair. She’s been studying all day, but she has a bio midterm at the end of the week she’s nowhere near ready for, a chem lab due immediately after she’s only halfway finished with, and a whole lot of stress she doesn’t even want to begin to deal with. She could go for coffee.

 

“Same as usual?” Seungwan asks, stuffing her wallet and her keys into her bag.

 

Sooyoung nearly rolls off the bed in her excitement. “Yes! Please. You’re a saint, unnie; I owe you my life.”

 

Seungwan laughs, already at the door to her room. “You could always just pay for my rent this month.”

 

Sooyoung makes a face. “I don’t owe you that much.”

 

There’s a line at the coffee shop and it takes fifteen minutes longer than it usually does to get their drinks. That’s ten minutes later than she should have left to go back to her and Sooyoung’s apartment, five minutes later to reach the light at the end of the street, and two more minutes of waiting for that light to finally turn green. All of this puts her at the sidewalk near her apartment, between a hair salon and a thrift store, twenty-two minutes later than normal. The perfect time and place to see the last person she’d ever thought she’d see walking down the opposite way.

 

“Seungwan?”

 

There’s a cap sitting low on her head, a shirt hanging loose on her shoulders, jeans with rips at the knees, and nothing about her has changed yet everything somehow feels different.

 

Seungwan swallows, not sure if the erratic thump of her heart is because of nerves, excitement, or maybe even fear. “Seulgi. Hi.”

 

Seulgi smiles the same way she did in high school. Seungwan can only admit to knowing this because she used to see it often in her dreams (she doesn’t dream about Seulgi anymore - she doesn’t dream at all anymore - and she used to think that was a good thing but now she just feels numb).

 

“It’s been a while,” Seulgi says. She fumbles with the jacket in her arms as she walks closer and Seungwan resists the urge to step back in response.

 

“Yeah. Since graduation, right?” Seungwan asks, like she didn’t spend a whole year after they graduated keeping track of every day they didn’t talk, and the entire year after that, trying to forget that they ever did. Seulgi nods obliviously and Seungwan continues, “Are you on break right now? I thought you went to school in Busan.”

 

Seulgi bites at her lip, determinedly avoiding Seungwan's eyes. “I do. I mean, I did. I transferred, actually.” She rubs at the back of her neck, laughing dryly. “I guess I just couldn’t stay away from Seoul.”

 

“Seoul’s a great place.”

 

Seulgi hums her agreement; Seungwan shifts in place. The drinks in her hand feel like they’re cooling and still, Seungwan can’t find it in herself to walk away, even though she’s already thought of a thousand different reasons for how and why she should.

 

“How have you been? Are you still doing music?”

 

Seungwan thinks of the guitar she’s neglected in favor of books and the flute inside of its case she hasn’t touched since she moved. She shakes her head. “Just as a hobby. School keeps me busy.” Too busy, she almost adds as an afterthought.

 

 

“That’s too bad, you always did have a great voice.”

 

Seungwan nods, eager to get out of the conversation and to the safety of her apartment.

 

“Well, I should probably get going before these get cold.” She lifts the drinks as emphasis, carefully stepping around the other girl, trying not to seem like she’s running away even though that's exactly what she's doing. “I’ll see you around.”

 

Seulgi nods, shifting so that she can speak to Seungwan’s retreating back. “Maybe we can get together some time? Catch up?”

 

There’s a hopeful tone to Seulgi’s voice that Seungwan wants to ignore, but it clings to her, wrapping around her like a blanket as if to tell her this is it, this is your chance. She buries it as best she can, but Seulgi’s easy smile is hard to ignore.

 

Seungwan sighs eventually, and against her better judgement, murmurs, “Sure. I’d like that.”

 

When she finally gets back to the apartment, the drinks have already gone cold. She’s vaguely aware of Sooyoung voicing her complaints of “Unnie, why the hell did it take half an hour just to walk down the street?” and hurries into her room to hide from the younger girl’s probing.

 

She glances at her phone, heavy now with a new number in it, before decidedly turning away and back to her books. She’s got a lot of work to do after all.

 

--

 

(Seungwan doesn’t believe in fate, but she thinks about the sequence of events that led to her meeting Seulgi on a random street corner after all these years and decides there isn’t any other word for it.

 

Seungwan doesn’t believe in fate, but she thinks no matter what, she was fated to love Seulgi even if she doesn’t want to. Soulmates aren’t real, but she thinks that maybe Seulgi is hers and that maybe she doesn’t mind.)

 

--

 

Seulgi fits back into her life as seamlessly as a forgotten puzzle piece finally being put into place -  a concerning thought all on its own. Seungwan’s already gotten used to having Seulgi by her side again, she doesn’t need to start thinking up stupid metaphors about Seulgi’s inevitable place in the grand scheme of Seungwan’s life too.

 

“Tell me why I decided to do graphic design again?”

 

Seulgi’s on her side, laptop forgotten next to her. Her fingers drum idly against the closed cover, feet tapping subconsciously on the floor.

 

That’s why, Seungwan thinks. Seulgi’s always moving, always doing something with her hands or her feet. Her parents used to think she had ADHD, but really, Seulgi just liked the feel of her body cutting through the air. She had too much expendable energy to sit idle for too long. Art let's her fingers move even when nothing else can.

 

“Because you like art?” Seungwan tries, tapping thoughtfully against her book with a highlighter. She still has two more chapters to read, but concentrating has always been more difficult with Seulgi in the near vicinity.

 

A defeated sigh sounds from behind her. “I’ve decided I no longer like art. I’m going to drop out of school and become a traveling salesman instead. I’ll send you a postcard from Italy.”

 

“When you’re dead broke and you haven’t showered in two weeks, don’t come crawling back to me. I won’t let you in because of the smell.”

 

“What if it works out and I become wildly successful with all the riches known to man in my possession?”

 

Seungwan snorts. “I thought we were going for realism?”

 

“Fine. But when I’m getting my Nobel prize for whatever it is they give those for, I’m not thanking you in my speech.”

 

Seungwan throws her head back in a laugh, tossing her highlighter at Seulgi’s thigh. Seulgi swats at it limply before moving upright again. She checks her phone, barely uttering a gasp before she’s throwing all of her things haphazardly into her bag. Seungwan watches this all with mild interest, intently focused on the way Seulgi somehow manages to make the simple act of moving look like a choreographed dance.

 

“Got somewhere to be?”

 

Seulgi just hums in acknowledgement, crawling around in search of her missing ear phones. Seungwan finds them near her feet and hands them to her wordlessly, ignoring the flutter in her heart when Seulgi smiles graciously.

 

“Thanks. I have a date. Or. Well. It’s not really a date. I don’t think. This girl in my animation class asked for some help on a project due next week. She wants to get dinner afterwards. Maybe a drink as well. So, I guess it’s a date?”

 

Seungwan watches Seulgi stand in the middle of the room, bag thrown carelessly on her shoulder, cheeks flushed from both the hurried gathering of her things and the explanation she fought to string together.

 

Seungwan swallows, nods, and turns back to the book on her desk with all the nonchalance she can muster. “Sounds like a date.”

 

“Right. Okay then,” Seungwan hears shuffling from behind her and when Seulgi speaks, it comes from between the door and the hallway. “I’ll talk to you later?”

 

Seungwan shrugs, staring at the words of her textbook with renewed interest despite none of the words actually registering. She thinks Seulgi lingers for a moment, staring at Seungwan the way Seungwan always stares at her, thinks she hears what might be a sigh of grudging acceptance, thinks maybe, just maybe, Seulgi might stay. But then she chances a glance up and sees nothing but an open door and hears the faint sound of another one, further away, closing.

 

--

 

A boy in her chem lab asks if she wants to study with him. He’s nice and he always helps her clean up after everyone else has left and his smile is soft and his eyes are kind and her chest doesn't ache when she looks at him.

 

She hears Sooyoung in the back of her mind, lamenting her single status, and decides it couldn't hurt to say yes.

 

Seungwan stays longer than she should, their books are lying ignored on the floor, and she can feel him watching her instead of the movie.

 

When he kisses her, Seungwan wonders if Seulgi’s lips would be softer, if she'd taste sweeter, if it wouldn't feel as wrong when her fingers moved across her skin.

 

She kisses him harder, pretends it isn't someone else she's thinking about, and pushes all thoughts of Seulgi out of her head to bring him closer.

 

--

 

Seungwan would like to think she knows better than to get drunk, alone, with the girl she’s been in love with since she was thirteen, but it’s her final year, she doesn’t have much time left before adulthood really sets in and she could never say no to Seulgi’s smile anyway.

 

She’s only three drinks in but her temple has a heartbeat and her cheeks are warm and Seulgi is so, so beautiful next to her.

 

“What did you do?”

 

Seungwan rolls over on her side, squinting in the darkness. Seulgi is sitting on the coffee table opposite her, skin glowing softly in the moonlight, hair pushed messily away from her face, and Seungwan aches for her in all the ways she doesn’t want to think about.

 

“What?”

 

Seulgi coughs, clarifying, “What did you do? After we graduated. What did you do? We didn’t talk. We didn’t-- We lost touch, and we haven’t talked about it.”

 

Seungwan laughs bitterly. “And whose fault is that?”

 

“Seungwan--”

 

“I went to school. I studied. I thought about you and how you didn’t answer my messages and I studied because I didn’t know what else to do.” Seungwan shakes her head. Her temple has a heartbeat, but so does her chest and she’s not sure which one is more painful at this moment. “I met Sooyoung, I joined clubs. I picked up a guitar again and didn’t think about you and it felt good and now you’re here and it hurts all over again.”

 

Seungwan closes her eyes to block out the images, but she sees it like a projector behind her eyelids, reminding her of all the hurt and pain she thought she’d already buried. When she opens her eyes again, there are tears in her eyes, and Seulgi’s kneeling on the floor next to her.

 

“I’m sorry,” She whispers and in almost the same breath, adds, “I’m scared of you.”

 

“Why are you scared?”

 

Seulgi glides her thumb across Seungwan’s cheeks, hand gentle like the day she taught Seungwan how to press her fingers against the strings of a guitar.

 

“Because I thought Joohyun unnie hurt, but then I left and I realized you could break me and I would let you.”

 

Seungwan doesn’t cry, but her eyes blur and when Seulgi presses her lips to hers she whimpers automatically. It’s something of a disaster, the angle is wrong and they aren’t in sync, but then Seulgi’s moving above her on the couch and Seungwan slides her hand behind Seulgi’s neck to guide her how she wants her and it isn’t anything other short of desperate but it’s beautiful all the same.

 

Seulgi sighs something soft when Seungwan pushes her hand underneath her shirt, lips trailing along her jaw and down her neck. It’s wrong and they shouldn’t be doing this, but Seungwan’s waited years to know the taste of Seulgi’s lips and she’s far too addicted now to stop.

 

Seungwan’s phone rings somewhere in the room, and Seulgi stops, pulling away from her slightly to breathe her in.

 

“Should you answer that?”

 

Seungwan her lips, tangling her fingers in Seulgi’s hair to bring her back into another kiss. “No.”

 

But the ringing doesn’t stop and Seulgi pulls back again. They both sit up, frustrated, as Seungwan reaches for her phone on the coffee table. It’s Sooyoung, drunk and tired, calling to ask if she can open the door for her when she gets there. The conversation is barely more than a minute, but when Seungwan finally puts her phone back down, she turns and finds Seulgi sitting anxiously on the other end of the couch.

 

“Seulgi?”

 

Seulgi’s eyes are wide, pupils blown in fear, and Seungwan knows what’s going to happen before it happens.

 

“I’m sorry,” She says, standing quickly. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have-- I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

 

And then she’s gone. Seungwan doesn’t fight for her to stay, doesn’t bother with reaching out to plead with her, because she knows how these things go and there’s no use in fighting something she can’t control.

 

When Sooyoung arrives barely ten minutes later, she takes one look at Seungwan with her dishevelled hair and red rimmed eyes, and pulls her wordlessly into her room, holding her gently until they both fall asleep.

 

Seulgi disappears and Seungwan lets her and when she gets an acceptance letter from that med school in Canada she’d forgotten she even applied to, she doesn’t have to think twice about going.

 

(She ignores the part of her brain that wonders what it would be like if she had a reason to.)

 

--

 

Seungwan’s gotten used to the constant hum of the hospital. There’s always something to do, somewhere to be, especially in the emergency room where everything feels like it’s moving twenty miles a minute. She likes it that way - less time to think and more time to work.

 

The hospital in Seoul is different than the one in Toronto, but Seungwan likes the feel of it, likes how familiar everything is despite the change. Like coming home after a long vacation to a house that’s inexplicably yours even though it doesn’t quite feel like it just yet. A few months in and Seungwan’s still waiting for the yet.

 

She’s five hours into a twenty hour shift, leaned heavily against her desk with a lukewarm cup of coffee next to her, when her nurse finds her with news of a new patient that’s just come in. It’s a slow day, but Seungwan still nods around a yawn anyway.

 

She barely glances at the folder she pulls from outside the door when she knocks and enters the room. A mistake on her part, because had she known who would be waiting for her on the other side she would have had the foresight to pass this patient on to someone else instead.

 

There’s a cap sitting low on her head, a shirt hanging loosely off her shoulders, and shorts that reveal long, smooth legs. She is both the oldest and the youngest Seungwan has ever seen her and her heart clenches all the same.

 

“I heard there’s a leg I need to cut off,” Seungwan says, getting over the initial shock and plastering on a friendly, professional smile.

 

Seulgi’s eyes widen for only a fraction of a second, the only tell that she’s just as surprised by Seungwan’s presence as Seungwan is by hers.

 

“I hope not. It’s a good leg.” Seulgi smiles, nervous and not quite reaching her eyes. Seungwan only nods, setting her folder down.

 

“We’ll see. So what happened here?” Seungwan asks, rolling the stool towards Seulgi so she can rest her foot in her lap, gently examining the swollen ankle.

 

“Soccer with my nephew.”

 

Seungwan raises a brow as Seulgi ducks her head sheepishly. She goes back to the ankle, gently rolling it and taking note of Seulgi’s slight wince.

 

“Slide tackle gone wrong?”

 

“More like coordination gone wrong. I’m not quite the player I used to be when I was thirteen.”

 

Seulgi’s grin is lopsided, like she isn’t sure she’s allowed to joke about their history the same way Seungwan is.

 

“I don’t think anyone our age is the same as they were at thirteen.”

 

Seulgi looks like she’s going to say something, but she cuts herself off, humming in agreement instead. Seungwan only nods, carefully removing Seulgi’s foot from her lap.

 

“Well, lucky for you you get to keep all your limbs.”

 

“Shame. I was kind of looking forward to getting a peg leg.”

 

They share an easy grin and it doesn’t hurt and Seungwan thinks after seven years that scab she used to carry around has finally healed enough into a scar.

 

“No peg leg this time, but you are going to have to take it easy for a few days. No running, no jumping, no uncoordinated soccer with your nephew-”

 

“Dancing?”

 

“None of that either.”

 

“You’re killing me, doc.”

 

Seungwan laughs, shaking her head. It’s easy, too easy, and she should know by now that this is how it is, how it always will be. Seulgi enters her life swift and without warning and leaves much the same way. Seungwan can never stop either from happening.

 

“Let me just wrap this up and you’ll be good to go.”

 

Seulgi doesn’t move as Seungwan takes her foot again, carefully maneuvering the compression wrap from her ankle to her heel.

 

“So a nephew, huh?” She asks, fingers moving methodically.

 

Seulgi hums. “His name is Jaemin; he just turned five. He’s smart - smarter than me - and cute. The cutest kid I’ve ever seen. He’s sweet too, shares all of his stuff without being asked, and he’s always smiling, no matter what. I don’t know where he gets it from, but he’s incredible.”

 

“He sounds incredible.”

 

Seulgi looks like she could spend all day gushing about this nephew of hers, eyes sparkling and hands moving as she talks. It sends something warm in Seungwan’s stomach, creeping higher and higher, until it settles in her cheeks because she’s staring now and Seulgi’s staring back.

 

She coughs, gives Seulgi her foot back, and stands again, fiddling with the watch on her wrist just to have something to do with her hands.

 

“You’re all set then. Elevate it at night when you sleep, ice for twenty minutes if it’s still swollen, and remember: nothing too extreme for at least a couple of days. Any questions?” Seugi shakes her head and Seungwan looks at her, committing this image of Seulgi to memory because this time it doesn’t hurt to look at her and she wants to keep that with her for as long as she can. “Okay, well. I’ll be going then. Feel free to call if you think of any questions later. Good day, Seulgi-ssi.”

 

“Seungwan, wait!”

 

Seungwan hates how she stops on instinct. She’s already at the door and she considers leaving anyway, but then she hears movement behind her and a low of hiss of pain and the doctor inside her wills her to stay just to see what warranted that noise.

 

“I thought I said to take it easy,” Seungwan murmurs, clucking her tongue when she turns and sees Seulgi standing, slowly rolling her ankle to ease the pain jumping down from the exam table caused.

 

“You were about to run away; I wasn’t really thinking.”

 

“Seulgi,” Seungwan says and it comes out less an admonishment and more a sigh.

 

“I know. I just--” Seulgi trails off, rubbing at her neck, and she hasn’t changed at all yet everything is different. Like coming home after a long vacation to a house that’s inexplicably yours even though it doesn’t quite feel like it just yet. Seungwan thinks this might be the yet. “It’s been a long time.”

 

“It has.”

 

“You look good.”

 

Seungwan averts her gaze, feeling lightheaded from the way Seulgi hasn’t taken her eyes off of her. She swallows thickly. “You too.”

 

“I know I don’t deserve this, but can we talk? It doesn’t have to mean anything. It’s just. It’s been a long time.”

 

Seungwan tips her head back, closing her eyes. She wants to say no. She should say no because Seulgi’s right. She doesn’t deserve this. And yet.

 

Seungwan bites back a bitter laugh at the knowledge that no matter what her head might think, her heart is always going to win. She lets out a breath, exasperated but also resigned, and smiles tiredly.

 

“Sure. Okay. That would be nice.”

 

Seulgi beams, the sun in her smile still just as blinding, and Seungwan thinks there’s still so much she would give just to keep it there.

 

--

 

Seulgi chooses a small restaurant close to the hospital. It’s cozy and casual and there are just enough people around to quell Seungwan’s anxiety over the two of them being alone together. Seulgi’s at a table near the window, intently studying the menu when Seungwan walks in.

 

“Nice outfit,” she comments, arching an amused brow at Seungwan.

 

Seungwan flushes, tugging at the top of her scrubs absentmindedly.

 

“Sorry. It was a busy day today. I didn’t have time to change.”

 

Seulgi laughs, waving her off. “No, no. I like it. Makes you look official. If only you had the white coat to go with it.”

 

“I was saving that for next time.”

 

Seulgi goes silent and Seungwan coughs, finding the menu particularly interesting. Seulgi doesn’t bring it up, switching the topic to more mundane things. They talk about Seungwan’s time in Canada, her newfound fluency in English, Sooyoung’s job as a lawyer and the guy she thinks she might marry. About Seulgi’s clients who complain more often than they don’t and her nephew who scored his first goal in his soccer game yesterday. About the weather and the guy sitting behind them and the dog running down the street.

 

It’s simple and trivial and the longer they ignore the elephant in the room, the more Seungwan’s convinced it just might crush her.

 

“I went back,” Seulgi says after a while. Their plates were cleared a long time ago so she’s carefully folding and refolding a napkin in front of her just to have something to do.

 

“Went back where?”

 

Seulgi swallows. She turns to the window, eyes far away as she watches a man outside chain his bike to the rack. “After...after that night. I went back, but you were already gone. Sooyoung said you went to Canada. I was going to apologize. I had this whole speech planned and everything, but then you were gone and I didn’t think I’d ever see you again.”

 

“Yet here I am,” Seungwan mutters and Seulgi looks back, offering a small, wistful smile. “I didn’t think I was going to come back, honestly.”

 

“But you did.”

 

“But I did,” Seungwan affirms. “I like it here. My life is here. It feels like home.”

 

“Feels like?”

 

Seungwan shrugs. “There’s always something missing, you know?”

 

Seulgi nods, slow and thoughtful. “I know.”

 

They fall into silence, overwhelmed with all of the things they can't and won't say. Seungwan feels like she's suffocating. She wonders when breathing with Seulgi became just as hard as breathing without her, and if this is what moving on is supposed to feel like. She cut off the cord tethering them together, but now it’s wrapped itself around her leg, dragging her even more against her will and she doesn't know if she can cut it again without cutting off a piece of herself as well.

 

“So,” Seulgi says eventually, mirth in her tone. “Canada. Did you have a pet moose?”

 

Seungwan throws a napkin at her. “Shut up.”

 

--

 

Seungwan opens up her e-mail to a dancing bear and isn’t sure what to think. She reads the caption once, twice, and then again just because it makes her smile and she likes imagining Seulgi’s voice when she reads it.

 

“That’s cute. Are you guys dating yet?”

 

Seungwan snaps her laptop shut, glaring at Sooyoung when she takes the seat across from her.

 

“Isn’t it illegal to read someone else’s mail? You’re a lawyer, you should know this.”

 

Sooyoung scoffs, raising her cup of coffee towards Seungwan haughtily. “First of all, this is your e-mail. Second of all, you’re right there and I had consent.”

 

“But I didn’t give you--”

 

“So are you guys dating yet?”

 

Seungwan rolls her eyes, opening up her laptop again as she deftly ignores Sooyoung’s question in favor of looking through more of her emails.

 

“Unnie. Unnie. Seungwan unnie.” A tired sigh. Fifty more emails to go. She really should clear her inbox soon. “Unnie, I know you have the right to remain silent, but I would like to remind you that I’m your lawyer in this case and you’re supposed to speak to me.”

 

Seungwan narrows her eyes at her, but Sooyoung won't be deterred, lifting a brow challengingly.

 

“No, Sooyoung, we are not dating, nor will we ever. Please drop this.” Seungwan finally relents, focus still on the emails that never seem to end.

 

“I don’t believe you. You’re in love with her, you can’t possibly just be her friend.”

 

Groaning, Seungwan closes her laptop again. Sooyoung’s eyes are fierce, determined, and Seungwan wonders idly if this is how she looks in the courtroom. No wonder she hardly loses.

 

“I was in love with her. Was. We’re better as friends anyway.” Seungwan rubs at her eyes, tired of having this conversation. She’s warred with herself enough as it is, she doesn’t need to battle with other people too.

 

“That’s bull.”

 

“Sooyoung-”

 

“No, unnie, listen.” Sooyoung grabs her wrist gently, lowering them from her eyes. Sooyoung is strong and she’s beautiful and sometimes Seungwan wishes she could be more like her - confident and so sure of herself - but then she remembers nights in college, curled close together, sniffling and exhausted, after one emotional breakdown too many. Sooyoung wasn’t always like this, but she’s here now and Seungwan can be too, if she tried.

 

“You’re in love with her. You’ll always be in love with her. You’ve been in love with her for longer than I’ve known you. That doesn’t just go away overnight.”

 

“It’s been seven years,” Seungwan tries weakly.

 

“You know what I mean.” Sooyoung rolls her eyes affectionately. She takes Seungwan’s hand, palm rough but no less comforting. Her face is serious and every word cuts deeper than the last. “My dad used to tell me everyone has that one. That one who drives them crazy, who makes them want to go to the moon and back. That one you’d pull every star out of the sky for if it meant they could shine just a little bit brighter. I never believed in that; I still don’t. But you’re different. Seulgi unnie’s you’re one and I’d hate to see you give that up because you’re both too afraid to try.”

 

“I’m not afraid to try,” Seungwan defends, but Sooyoung only shakes her head, firm.

 

“You are.”

 

Seungwan sighs, too drained to try and put up any more of a fight. She’d lose anyway; Sooyoung’s a lawyer for a reason. She whispers quietly, “But what if she’s not my one?”

 

“She is.”

 

“How do you know?”

 

Sooyoung only smiles, her calm reassurance more comforting than Seungwan would ever admit. “Because she broke your leg and you fell in love with her anyway.”

 

And well, Seungwan really doesn’t have an argument for that.

 

--

 

“Knock knock.”

 

Seungwan peers reluctantly away from the lab she’d been reviewing and sees Seulgi standing in the doorway, grinning while holding out a bag of takeout.

 

“I’m sorry, but I don’t think you have an appointment. You’re going to have to leave.”

 

“You work in the ER, no one ever has an appointment.”

 

“Fair.”

 

Seungwan grins, only slightly concerned with how quickly Seulgi can get that reaction out of her. She’s been lighter since talking to Sooyoung, no longer bothered by her feelings. She’s in love with Seulgi and she’s going to stop hurting herself over it and just let it be.

 

“What are you doing here?” Seungwan asks, clearing her desk so Seulgi can set the food down.

 

“I was on my lunch break and I happened to be in the neighborhood.” Seulgi shrugs, picking out chopsticks and handing a pair to Seungwan.

 

“Your work is fifteen minutes away from here.”

 

“I took the bus.”

 

“Seulgi.”

 

“Seungwan.”

 

Seungwan shakes her head, taking out a roll of kimbap and eating it wordlessly. A part of her is stuck on how domestic this all is, lunch in her office, idle conversation about their day, peaceful bliss just from being in each other’s presence. But the other part, the more rational, logical part, is already moving on, intent on not reading too much into it. They’re friends and just because Seulgi is her one, doesn’t mean Seungwan is hers.

 

“Tell me fun doctor things,” Seulgi says after a while, when the food is mostly gone and their stomachs are starting to ache from being too full.

 

“Like what?” Seungwan asks, amused at Seulgi’s sudden interest.

 

Seulgi makes a noncommittal noise, lightly toying with the pretentious plaque on Seungwan’s desk that has her name and degree on full display.

 

“I don’t know. What do you do everyday? I imagine you do more than just look at sprained ankles.”

 

“I do a lot of things I guess.” Seungwan hums thoughtfully. “It changes everyday. Some days are more intense than others. Mostly I just see patients, treat them for whatever it is they came in for that couldn’t wait, admit them if it’s more serious than I can handle, send them away if it’s just a sprain.” Seulgi grins and Seungwan gets lost in the playful curve of . “A lot of it is just reviewing things: labs, X-Rays, CT scans, all that boring stuff they don’t mention in TV shows.” Seungwan’s smile fades, tracing the wooden pattern on her desk as she breathes in deeply. “Sometimes it’s more than either of those things. It’s blood on your hands and on your scrubs, and the knowledge that what you do now will determine whether or not they make it later. It’s losing someone even though you thought you made all the right choices. It’s not being able to do enough, but having to do all that you can.”

 

Seulgi’s hand is over hers, warm and comforting. She squeezes gently and Seungwan offers her a weak smile.

 

“Sorry,” she says, blinking back the wetness she feels in her eyes. “Those weren’t fun doctor things.”

 

“No,” Seulgi shakes her head, but there’s a certain look in her eye that reminds Seungwan of when she’d sung her her first song on the guitar. Like she sees Seungwan and can’t possibly believe that she’s real. It leaves Seungwan breathless all the same. “It was so much more.”

 

--

 

Seulgi shows up late on a Tuesday afternoon and doesn’t leave and Seungwan doesn’t know what to make of this girl that’s asleep in her bed with a pillow clutched tightly to her chest and head buried beneath the sheets.

 

“Seulgi,” Seungwan calls, poking at the sleeping mess. She has her scrubs on and her hair pulled back and she should have left for her midnight shift ten minutes ago. “Seulgi, I have to go.”

 

Seulgi groans, shifting slightly but otherwise doesn’t move.

 

“Okay,” Seungwan decides, gathering her phone and her bag so she can leave. She pokes at Seulgi one last time. “I’m going to leave, okay. Are you just going to stay here?”

 

“Yeah. Goodnight. Have a good shift. See you when you get back,” Seulgi sleepily mumbles, handing sticking out to wave lazily before disappearing beneath the covers again.

 

Seungwan stops for a moment, wondering what this is supposed to mean. Seulgi, asleep in her bed, without her, implying she’s going to stay there until Seungwan returns. Seungwan furrows her brow, confused over everything, but she’s late and she doesn’t have time to contemplate things as complicated as this, so, like everything else she doesn’t want to face, she just lets it be.

 

--

 

Seulgi’s cooking is terrible, but the sight of her in Seungwan’s kitchen, messily fumbling around with Seungwan’s stove, makes Seungwan’s heart stutter and ache in ways she didn't think it would again.

 

“Maybe you should turn the heat down,” Seungwan suggests and Seulgi whips around to glare at her.

 

“No. I’m cooking. Go sleep or something.”

 

Seungwan scoffs. “It’s my apartment! I deserve to be here in case you start a fire.”

 

Seulgi sighs dramatically. “Ye of so little faith.”

 

The rice is watery and the meat is burnt and there’s too much salt on just about everything, but Seulgi looks anxious, waiting to hear Seungwan’s opinion, and Seungwan doesn’t have the heart to tell her the truth.

 

When she tells Seulgi it’s delicious and Seulgi’s entire face lights up with unabashed joy, Seungwan decides it wasn’t a lie at all. She eats all of it and swears on her life she’s never tasted anything so good.

 

Still, Seungwan has no idea what any of this is supposed to mean, or if it means anything at all. She wants to think about it, mull it over until she can’t anymore, but then Seulgi has the sun in her smile and the wind in her laugh and Seungwan knows nothing else really matters other than the way those two things can still make her feel so whole.

 

--

 

Seulgi in her life means feeling more joy than she thought possible. It means lunch in Seungwan’s office and surprise breakfasts in bed and watching five year olds play soccer with more enthusiasm than necessary. It’s Seulgi on her mind at all times and seeing her in everything and everyone. It’s getting to hold her hand in crowded places and hiding behind her shoulder when she wants to watch a scary movie. It’s her heart full with happiness and her cheeks sore from smiling.

 

It’s waking up every day and wondering when she’s going to leave.

 

--

 

“I don’t get it.”

 

Sooyoung paces around her apartment, a glass of wine in her hand. Seungwan watches her from the couch, wincing every time Sooyoung gestures too wildly and wine threatens to spill out.

 

“What don’t you get?”

 

Sooyoung narrows her eyes, pausing briefly in her pacing to point a finger at Seungwan.

 

“You. You’re in love with Seulgi unnie and yet you still haven’t done anything. I thought you said things were going great lately.”

 

“They are.”

 

“Then why haven’t you said anything?”

 

Seungwan sighs, falling sideways on the couch. The leather feels good against her cheek and she rubs at it lazily with her finger. “I love her, but I’m not going to give her my heart just so she can take it and run away again. I’m too old for that.”

 

“So you’re just going to keep it and wait for her to come take it from you when she wants to?”

 

Seungwan groans in something like confirmation and Sooyoung throws her hands up, exasperated and spilling wine all over of the floor. She doesn’t notice and Seungwan doesn’t tell her. She’ll clean it up later.

 

“Unnie, Seulgi unnie is an idiot, but she’s also an idiot who’s in love with you.” Seungwan starts to protest, but Sooyoung throws her a look that has her closing quickly. “No, she’s in love with you. Don’t try and tell me she’s not because we both know you’re lying. She’s in love with you. When she came back after you left, she had a whole bouquet of flowers and a goddamn poem ready to profess her love for you. It was disgusting, honestly.”

 

“Hey, she didn’t tell me she bought flowers--”

 

“Let me finish.”

 

“Sorry.”

 

Sooyoung kneels next to her, empty wine glass forgotten by her feet. She rests her chin near Seungwan’s face and looks at her pleadingly.

 

“My point is that she’s in love with you and she’s spent seven years thinking that she lost her chance and now that you’re back she doesn’t think she deserves you.”

 

“Maybe she doesn’t.”

 

Sooyoung just pats her cheek softly. “She doesn’t, but she’s your one and you deserve her.”

 

“You really think she loves me?”

 

Sooyoung smiles. “Yeah, I really do.”

 

And well, Seungwan really doesn’t have an argument for that.

 

--

 

It takes a twenty-two hour shift and losing someone she thought she could save for Seungwan to come to a decision. Seulgi’s apartment is smaller than hers and the stairs creak when she steps on them. The paint is peeling on her door and Seungwan spends far too much time staring at it before she finally works up enough courage to knock.

 

Seulgi opens the door seconds later, but in those seconds, Seungwan’s already managed to convince herself of every reason why she shouldn’t be here.

 

“Seungwan?”

 

Seungwan breezes past her, dropping her bag carelessly on the floor next to the shoes she hastily kicks off.

 

“You don’t deserve me,” is the first thing Seungwan says and it leaves Seulgi stunned, frozen at the still open door. “You’ve hurt me more times than I want to admit and I’m tired of wondering when you’re going to walk away again and I barely trust you and I shouldn’t want you.”

 

Seungwan breathes heavily, each admission riling her up more and more. Across from her, Seulgi is opening and closing , fighting to find the words to say but coming up with nothing. Seungwan walks to her slowly, carefully pushing the door closed. Seulgi backs into it subconsciously, like she’s tempted to run away, only this time they both know Seungwan won’t let her. Seungwan looks into wide eyes, glistening with tears, and understands what Sooyoung meant before. They’ve both been afraid of each other and what they were feeling and they didn’t want to try because they didn’t think they had a chance, but now Seungwan’s done with being afraid and she hopes Seulgi is too.

 

She rests her forehead against Seulgi’s shoulder because she knows she won’t be able to say it otherwise, and admits quietly, “You don’t deserve me and I shouldn’t love you but I do anyway.”

 

For a moment, Seungwan thinks this is it. All these years leading up to this, and she's still going to walk away with a broken heart. But then hesitantly, Seulgi brings her arms around Seungwan, resting them just barely against her back, locking her in place. Seungwan pushes deeper into her, burrowing into her closer and closer as if she could find a way into her heart if she does.

 

It’s quiet for a long moment, Seungwan convinced Seulgi still won’t say anything, but then Seulgi shifts, forehead coming to rest against Seungwan’s shoulder as well.

 

“I don’t deserve you,” Seulgi whispers shakily, “but will you let me love you anyway?”

 

Seungwan lifts her head as Seulgi does the same. She sees the fear in her eyes, feels the erratic thump of her heart, hears the trembling of her breath, and knows without a doubt that she would gladly suffer through lifetimes if it meant experiencing this one moment.  

 

She kisses her acceptance, fingers threading through Seulgi’s hair as hands pull at clothes. Seulgi shakes the whole time, eyes squeezed shut from overwhelming desire, and when Seungwan coaxes her gently over the edge, she cries and apologizes and breathes I love you into her skin. It’s soft and it's familiar and it feels a lot like finally coming home.

 

--

 

Years later, curled against Seulgi’s side, Seungwan watches the morning seep through the curtain over the window. Seulgi’s fingers are trailing absentmindedly up and down her back, so automatic now Seungwan doesn’t think Seulgi even realizes she’s doing it. She presses deeper into her, lips to the base of .

 

“I’ve been in love with you ever since you broke my leg,” she whispers. Seulgi’s chest vibrates with quiet laughter.

 

“Nothing like a broken bone to woo a girl.”

 

Seungwan hums, biting lightly at Seulgi’s collarbone as she shakes more in amusement.

 

“Since I heard you sing for the first time,” Seulgi tells her after a moment, twirling a piece of Seungwan’s hair with her finger. “You were sitting on top of the desk in the music room, that old guitar in your lap, and you sang along to that song I taught you and I knew right then that I never wanted to listen to anything else ever again.”

 

Seungwan smiles, kissing up Seulgi’s neck and to her jaw and ending at her lips. Seulgi grins lazily up at her.

 

“We wasted a lot of time, you know,” Seungwan says and Seulgi hums, switching their positions so she could hover over Seungwan.

 

The sunlight makes her glow and Seungwan thinks, once again, that she’s never seen someone quite as beautiful.

 

“I’ll guess we’ll just have to make up for it.”

 

Seulgi kisses her because she loves her and because she can and promises a forever Seungwan finally believes in.

 

--

 

A/N: this is 8k words too long tbh. i still don’t know how i feel about it? but i hope you enjoy regardless. dedicated to a tiny smol wenseul queen on twitter/aff! also here's a good quote i saw after i started writing that i think matches really well. 

 UPDATE: totally forgot but credit for this idea goes to jin the loser for talking wenseul headcanons with me<3

 

titled after this song