The Spin You've Got Me In

White Days

seulgi knows she’s royally ed as soon as the words leave joohyun’s mouth. she has a hard enough time saying no as it is, but throw in her best friend’s older sister she’s had a not so secret crush on for as long as she can remember, and well, she never stood a chance.

 

“so will you do it?” joohyun looks at her expectantly, eyes wide and mouth set in just the slightest hint of a pout.

 

seulgi’s so ed.

 

she swallows, tells herself that there’s no way wendy can kill her for this (they’re best friends, that has to count for something, right?), and plasters on her most charming smile.

 

“okay,” seulgi squeaks, internally wincing at the sound.

 

joohyun positively beams, throwing her arms around seulgi in the kind of embrace that forces seulgi to take a few steps back just to keep themselves right.

 

“you’re the best, seulgi. really,” joohyun’s whispers against her ear, squeezing her in what seulgi thinks might be meant to be reassuring but is really anything but.

 

seulgi raises her arms tentatively to return the hug, suppressing the urge to hold on like she’d never let go because everything about holding joohyun feels so right even though seulgi knows it’s exactly the opposite.

 

“of course, unnie,” seulgi  answers, resisting the urge to bury her face in joohyun’s neck. “anything for you.”

 

seulgi can feel joohyun smile into her shoulder and something warm settle in her chest, fluttering with every inhale and exhale. a content sigh releases against her will, joohyun only tightening her hold further, and seulgi ignores that annoying voice in her head telling her this is the stupidest idea she’s had since she thought she could bake wendy a cake by herself two years ago.

 

she’s definitely ed.

 

--

 

“i can’t believe you agreed to this.”

 

seulgi watches wendy pace back and forth in her room, annoyed sighs and enraged grunts leaving every few seconds.

 

“seriously why can’t she ask one of her own friends?” wendy grumbles and then she’s whirling around, angry glare pinned on seulgi. “and you! why did you say yes? you should have said no! i always do!”

 

seulgi scratches the back of her neck, pointedly avoiding wendy’s gaze as she mumbles to herself, “you never say no.”

 

the pillow that hits her head less than a second later, tells seulgi wendy heard her anyway.

 

seulgi sighs defeatedly, resting her chin on her knees as she eyes wendy from her place on the bed.

 

“what was i supposed to say?” she practically whines. “your sister’s very persuasive.”

 

wendy rolls her eyes. “she’s only persuasive because you’ve had a crush on her ever since she gave you that bracelet when you were thirteen.”

 

“i was twelve,” seulgi huffs but wendy waves her off, muttering about “technicalities” as she continues her pacing. “shouldn’t i get a free pass then? i’ve had a crush on her since before i even knew you, since before your parents even got married. you can’t be mad about something that precedes our friendship.”

 

wendy crosses her arms, fixing seulgi with narrow eyes. “that’s besides the point. i don’t care about your crush on unnie. in fact, i support it. i support you, but i don’t support this.”

 

“why not?”

 

wendy’s gaze turns soft and that sinking feeling seulgi’s been feeling ever since she told joohyun yes, bubbles back up again, filling the spaces between her ribs and making her body feel so heavy seulgi has to curl in around herself just to keep from falling over.

 

“if you two are in a relationship, i want it to be because you both want it. i want it to be real. not just something for joohyun unnie to use to get back at our parents,” wendy tells her. she squeezes at seulgi’s shoulder and seulgi almost jumps because she hadn’t even realized wendy had crossed the room to stand over her.

 

it isn’t anything seulgi hasn’t already thought herself and she’s not sure if that’s supposed to make it better or worse. better, because she’s already thought all of this through before agreeing, or worse, because she’s thought all of this through and she knows every reason why she should have said no but she still said yes anyway.

 

when she answers, she’s speaking to the floor and she doesn’t know who she’s trying to convince more, wendy or herself. “i know, but she asked for my help and i can’t turn my back on her. everything will be fine, seungwan-ah. trust me.”

 

the bed dips as wendy settles next to her, and seulgi feels wendy drape an arm around her. she feels warm in the suddenly cold room, but her words make seulgi shiver regardless.

 

“i do trust you, seulgi. i just don’t want you to get hurt.”

 

“i won’t get hurt,” seulgi answers and even though it’s lie, she can pretend for a moment that it isn’t.

 

she’ll have to get used to pretending anyway.

 

--

 

joohyun brings her to one of her family’s dinner parties. seulgi’s been to them many times before but that was always as wendy’s charming best friend and not as joohyun’s fake girlfriend.

 

seulgi’s palms are sweaty as she stands outside their front door. her breathing stutters every time she exhales, and seulgi wills herself to calm down. she can do this. she’s been to these before. smile, nod, look pretty. she knows how these things work, how everything is about appearances, and nothing you say actually matters as long as it’s what they want to hear. wendy coached her on everything for hours the first time she invited her, and seulgi’s basically a professional now. but this is different, this is unheard of.

 

she’s joohyun’s date, joohyun’s girlfriend, and every decent opinion wendy and joohyun’s parents have of her will probably fly right out the window along with seulgi’s sanity.

 

seulgi inhales deeply, considers it a success when she lets it out and it isn’t as shaky as before, and rings the doorbell. she can do this, she reminds herself as she listens to the soft sounds of muffled voices and relaxing music filter through the door.

 

“seulgi!” joohyun’s mom beams happily when the door opens. her dress is dazzling and her hair is nothing short of perfect. she has joohyun’s expressive eyes and curves in the same way joohyun’s does when she smiles. she’s the same kind of natural beauty joohyun is, the kind that turns heads without meaning to, that demands to be looked at. she’s always liked seulgi, ever since she was a kid and seulgi would come over after school because both of her parents worked and her school got out earlier than her brother’s and she was too young to be left alone. seulgi thinks she probably won’t like her anymore after tonight.

 

“I didn’t know you were coming! wendy didn’t mention anything.” the older woman steps aside, opening the door wider for seulgi to enter.

 

her smile is kind and seulgi tries not to let her voice tremble as she starts to say, “actually that’s because-”

 

“seulgi!”

 

joohyun’s on her in an instant, lips pressed to her cheek in a feather light kiss. her eyes are shining when seulgi meets her gaze and seulgi reminds herself this isn’t real. this isn’t real. this isn’t-

 

“mom, you know seulgi, right?” joohyun asks, the tone in her voice suggesting she knows just how ridiculous of a question that is.

 

her mother only arches a brow. “of course i do, honey. why don’t you go find wendy and tell her her friend is here.”

 

joohyun makes sure to keep her eyes trained on her mother as she reaches for seulgi’s hand. seulgi flushes instantly, aware of just how sweaty her palms must be, but joohyun just squeezes her hand gently. when she looks at joohyun, she’s startled to find that joohyun’s already looking back at her. their gazes lock and seulgi thinks for the first time that this is all going to be okay.

 

“seulgi’s not here for wendy, mom,” joohyun says, eyes never leaving seulgi’s. she smiles reassuringly, and against her will, seulgi smiles back. “she’s here for me.”

 

“oh? well that’s nice-”

 

“we’re dating, mom,” joohyun interrupts, finally breaking eye contact. all the warmth joohyun’s gaze had filled her with seeps out immediately, the cold air coming in from the still open door biting at seulgi’s neck.

 

she can feel the gaze from joohyun’s mom boring into the side of her head and she determinedly ignores it, focusing instead on joohyun’s hand still tangled with her own. the only certainty she can register in this moment. joohyun’s presence is strong next to her and seulgi tries to feed off that unwavering confidence. she used to imagine being the white knight to joohyun’s princess, but now it’s joohyun protecting her against the dragon and the thought alone makes seulgi delirious with unbridled joy.

 

“is that so?” joohyun’s mother responds, her voice betraying nothing. she pauses, gaze fixed between the two of them and their hands clasped together, before continuing simply, “very well then. i suppose we’ll have to rearrange the seating plans.” and then she’s off, heels clicking against the marble floor.

 

seulgi feels the tension leave her shoulders as the sound fades and joohyun visibly relaxes as well. the firm grip she’d had on seulgi’s hand loosens, but their hands remain intertwined. she rubs her thumb across the back of seulgi’s hand absentmindedly.

 

“you did great,” joohyun says, pulling seulgi further into the house before closing the door behind her.

 

“i thought she was going to kill me,” seulgi admits and joohyun laughs, light and beautiful.

 

“i wouldn’t have let her.” she grins crookedly, stepping closer to seulgi as they walk down the hallway to the living room where the rest of the guests are. joohyun leans up, lips ghosting across seulgi’s cheek as she murmurs, “thank you for doing this.”

 

seulgi’s cheeks warm and she turns away to hide it. her heart is beating wildly, fighting to break out of her chest so that she could just get it over with and give it to joohyun completely.

 

“of course, unnie. anything for you,” she says, smiling slightly as joohyun shakes her head, recognizing the words from a few days ago, and nudges seulgi with her elbow. seulgi laughs and it feels like it always was before all of this, when she was still just seulgi with a stupid crush on her neighbor slash best friend’s older sister and joohyun was just joohyun, the beautiful and unattainable girl seulgi would always tease because that’s all she could do to get her attention.

 

when they enter the living room, wendy gives them a disapproving look, brow raising slightly at their close proximity. seulgi gulps and doesn’t look her way again and reminds herself this isn’t real. this isn’t real. this isn’t real. this isn’t-

 

--

 

dinner is uneventful. no one comments on seulgi’s presence or why she never strays too far from joohyun’s side. joohyun’s mother doesn’t look at her and her father has yet to notice the way joohyun runs her hand up and down’s seulgi arm or the way she speaks directly into seulgi’s ear, lips brushing against heated skin.

 

but then all of the guests leave and it’s only seulgi left as the lone outsider. even joohyun’s mother has retired for the night, citing exhaustion from planning the dinner. she’d barely given seulgi a passing glance as she left, and seulgi had squirmed uncomfortably until she was out of sight. she hopes that joohyun will let her leave, that she won’t have to suffer through an awkward confrontation with her father as well, but when she gets up from her position on the couch, ready to bow and make her exit, joohyun’s father stops her.

 

“won’t you stay for a drink, seulgi-yah?” he asks. he’s perched on the leather armchair across from her, legs crossed and hand swirling a glass of whiskey. his face is kind like wendy’s, but like her, he has a dominating presence - soft but firm with how he carries himself. he’s outspoken in the same way wendy is, charming with his jokes and booming laughter. he had taken to seulgi immediately when he and wendy first moved in, enamored by the lanky kid armed with a plethora of her mother’s baked goods. seulgi had always liked him, secretly felt more comfortable with him than she did with joohyun’s mother despite knowing her longer, but the affectionate way he’d always gazed at her is all but gone as he looks at her now.

 

seulgi nods dumbly, settling back down on the couch next to joohyun. joohyun pats her knee, but it offers little comfort now.

 

“here, seulgi.” wendy hands her a glass filled with dark liquid - wine seulgi’s always liked ever since she and wendy broke into her father’s liquor cabinet back in high school. seulgi meets wendy’s eyes, but wendy only gives her a sympathetic shake of her head. “can i be excused? i’m tired and i have still have some work to do.”

 

her father nods, taking a sip of his drink before nodding towards seulgi and joohyun. “of course, it’s your sister and her girlfriend i want to speak to anyway.”

 

wendy sends seulgi an apologetic smile, mouthing “i’ll call you later” before disappearing out of the room and up the stairs.

 

joohyun is quiet next to seulgi, posture rigid and shoulders tense. seulgi can feel the the quiet anger rolling off of her, and she sets her untouched drink down to rest her hand over joohyun’s on her knee, trying to offer the silent support joohyun had been giving seulgi all night. joohyun remains stiff, but she turns her hand carefully, palm up, so that their fingers can thread together. seulgi’s not sure what to make of how much better this small form of contact makes her feel. she doesn’t get to dwell on it before joohyun’s father is speaking again.

 

“so, seulgi,” he starts, tone neutral, “how is school? are you still studying art?”

 

seulgi swallows and wills her voice not to tremble. “yes. i have two more years left.”

 

he nods, taking another sip of his drink. “i’ve always liked art. pollock is my favorite. there’s something very nice about abstract art don’t you think?”

 

they’ve talked about this before, back when seulgi first told him of her intended major. she’d expected judgement, but he’d simply smiled at her and started talking about his love for abstract expressionism. it was one of the few times she’d felt confident about her decision because there was someone like wendy’s father, rich and successful, who had supported her instead of talking down on her. this hardly feels the same.

 

“yes, it’s nice to be able to put your own meaning behind a piece,” seulgi agrees and joohyun’s father smiles behind the rim of his glass.

 

“that’s why i like you, seulgi,” he says. “you have a good head on your shoulders.” he pauses, setting his glass down on the table next to him. it clanks against the wood and joohyun straightens even more next to her. “so tell me then, what is the meaning of this?”

 

“i don’t-”

 

he raises his hand, stopping seulgi from even attempting an answer she’s sure wouldn’t have done much.

 

“for as long as i’ve lived here, you’ve had a place in this home. you were wendy’s first friend here and even now, you study at the same school, pursuing your dreams together. i’ve welcomed you like you were my own daughter, watched you grow and applauded your achievements as if i was your father.” he pauses and seulgi feels every word beat into her, lowering her head further and further in shame. this man who has done nothing but care for her like his own and she has the nerve to lie to his face like this. all because joohyun asked her to, and even though seulgi loves this man like he were a second father, she knows she would make this same decision over and over because she loves him but she would always love joohyun more. “and yet despite all of this, you come here tonight, hiding behind my daughter, holding onto her in the way a man should, and avoid looking me in the eye all night. so tell me,” he repeats slowly, words puncturing seulgi slowly,  “what is the meaning of all of this?”

 

“i love her.” it’s joohyun that answers and it steals all of the breath seulgi had been gathering in preparation to answer. her voice is strong, unwavering, and for a moment it sounds like it couldn’t be anything other than the truth.

 

“you love her?” there is none of the expected malice in his voice, but seulgi knows not to look for hope in places where it won’t be found.

 

“i love her,” joohyun says again firmly, hand tightening in seulgi’s. the words ring in seulg’s ears, an echo of something she’s always imagined.

 

i love her. i love her. i love her.

 

“and you seulgi? do you love joohyun?” her father asks. his face is kind like wendy’s, and for a moment seulgi forgets herself, still lost in joohyun’s confession, no matter how fake it is.

 

“i do,” she replies, and then again with more conviction. “i love her. i’ve always loved her.” the admission makes her feel lighter, the burden of that secret she’s carried for so long freeing her of the weight that settled around her chest. she loves joohyun and now everyone knows, even joohyun. it might not be real for her, but it is for seulgi and that fact gives her a rush of confidence.

 

“i see.” joohyun’s father says. he stands then, glancing between the two of them once more before turning away decidedly. he’s halfway to the door when joohyun calls out to him.

 

“is that it?” she questions, standing to stare at his retreating back. “you don’t have anything to say?”

 

her father sighs before turning around. “i think you’ve made it clear by now your mother and i’s opinion does not matter to you.”

 

joohyun scoffs. “that’s never stopped you from sharing them with me before.”

 

“what would you like me to say, joohyun-ah? that i do not approve? that i would like you to be with a man, to go to school like i wanted you to, have a successful career, raise a family? is that what you want me to say?” he asks tiredly.

 

he looks defeated in this moment and seulgi aches for him because he’s always wanted what was best for joohyun. both of her parents have, but she’s the first child, the one people looked at twice because of who she was and how she looked. she was made for this life and for years, seulgi watched joohyun follow the life planned for her with detached acceptance. but now she rebels, finding more and more pieces of herself the further she strays from her parents. seulgi watched her be stagnant for years and now she’s growing and her parents don’t know how to handle this new person she’s become so they argue and yell and now joohyun brings them a girlfriend just to anger them more.

 

seulgi feels for both of them. for the girl she’s always seen hidden beneath the shell of a perfect daughter, and for the parents who don’t know how to love the daughter they didn’t know they had.

 

joohyun clenches her fists tightly and seulgi wants to reach for them, to uncurl her fingers from where they dig into her palm, cradle them against her own, but she doesn’t, not sure if it’s her place to.

 

“i just want you to say something,” joohyun pleads, her voice sounding so broken it pulls seulgi from her seat and by her side in an instant. she rests her palm against the small of joohyun’s back, joohyun sinking into the touch automatically.

 

“i’m happy for you,” her father tells her, and seulgi sees joohyun’s eyelashes wet with unshed tears. he looks between the two of them again, eyes kind as he says softly, “i won’t stand in the way of your love. i know better than that.”

 

seulgi almost wants to shake her head, to tell him he’s wrong, that there’s nothing there, but instead she just smiles gratefully, trying to convey that she’s thankful because the message is clear: joohyun’s happiness is more important than his own beliefs and that’s more important than anything else.

 

“goodnight. it was nice seeing you again, seulgi,” he says, and once seulgi nods, leaves the room quietly.

 

seulgi watches him go, not sure how to feel now that she’s alone with joohyun. she did what she was supposed to. she came, pretended to be something she wasn’t, and now that job is done. it should be a relief, that this is night is finally over, but a part of seulgi wishes it wasn’t and really, she doesn’t know what to make of that at all.

 

“thank you,” joohyun says, breaking the silence they’d been engulfed in. seulgi’s hand is still on her back and unwillingly, she removes it, taking a step back to give them more space. “i didn’t mean for this to go as far as it did.”

 

seulgi shrugs, trying to be more nonchalant than she feels. “that’s all right. it’s not like we set any boundaries anyway. i’m just glad i could help.”

 

joohyun smiles at her, eyes still shimmering with the tears she refuses to let fall, and she’s so beautiful everything in seulgi burns with just how much she wants her.

 

this isn’t real, she chants in her head. this isn’t real. this isn’t real. this isn’t-

 

joohyun reaches out, careful hands trailing across her palm and up her arm. she leaves goosebumps in her wake and when she finally moves up from her neck to cup her cheek, seulgi can’t help the way she leans into the touch.

 

“i meant what i said,” joohyun whispers. she steps in closer and seulgi resists the urge to move back on impulse. joohyun’s other hand dances from her neck down to her arm, settling in seulgi’s waiting palm. she’s close enough for seulgi to feel her warmth through her clothes and she swallows carefully. “seulgi,” joohyun calls and seulgi opens her eyes, unaware of when she’d even closed them. joohyun’s looking at her, eyes searching, and this isn’t real. this isn’t real. this isn’t- “i love you.”

 

seulgi feels it crash down on her, anchoring her to this moment because it’s real and joohyun loves her and nothing else has mattered more than this. she sees joohyun waiting, face beginning to fall in anticipation of rejection, but she also sees the girl she’s been in love with ever since she was twelve and she’d given seulgi that bracelet for her birthday, one of the first things joohyun had ever bought with her own money from that terrible first job of waiting tables. she sees that fifteen year old who never forgot about her even though she had every reason to because seulgi was just a lanky kid with a stupid crush who never stood a chance.

 

but this isn’t fake, this is real and joohyun loves her and nothing else has mattered more than this.

 

“seulgi-”

 

seulgi kisses her with desperation, trying to convey all of the things she’s too overwhelmed to say out loud. she’s never been good with words so seulgi kisses with an ‘i love you’ resting on her lips, hoping joohyun can hear it anyway, and when joohyun pulls her closer so that they’re flush against each other, seulgi knows she can.

 

seulgi rests her forehead against joohyun’s, breathing her in, listening to the sharp way she inhales and exhales as she tries to regain her breath.

 

“i meant what i said too,” seulgi murmurs and she feels her whole body hum with the knowledge that this isn’t fake and joohyun loves her. she smiles. “i love you too.”






 

--

A/N: jfc this is rough. it’s been a long time since i’ve wrote anything non-academic let alone something rv (apologies in advance for ooc-ness) and i did this all in one go and looking at it afterwards hurt so i just didn’t lol. i got this prompt off twitter like a thousand years ago and i can’t for the life of me remember who i got it from but anyway this is for that person even though i have no idea what the original prompt was. this probably isn’t anything like what you wanted sorry ;;



 

titled after this song

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