They meet once after Seulgi debuts.

 

Soojung messages her first, surprisingly. A short can we meet? And Seulgi had looked at it, weighed her options and thought of all the years they could have met before deciding that the past was the past and there wasn’t any use with harbouring negative feelings for someone she’s probably barely even a passing thought for. Seulgi was never one for grudges anyway.

 

She tells Soojung yes, gets another message with a time and a place, and that’s that. It isn’t very climactic as far as sudden reunions go, but Soojung’s always had a thing for simplicity.

 

The café Soojung brings her to is small. There’s only a handful of tables and barely anyone seated at any of them, but Seulgi supposes that’s why she picked it. God forbid anyone actually see them together.

 

Seulgi gets there first. She picks a table in the corner because she knows Soojung likes her privacy and goes through two cups of coffee before Soojung even arrives. Her clothes are dark against the white of the walls and even with a hat low on her head, she draws attention. That’s always been Soojung’s problem: she hates the spotlight, but it follows her everywhere she goes, like a magnet she can’t shake off.

 

Some people were just meant for fame, Seulgi thinks, and even though Soojung doesn’t want it most of the time, it was always meant for her. That was always how they differed. Soojung didn’t want any of this; Seulgi did.

 

“I’m late,” Soojung says, crooked smile on her face as she takes the seat across from her. She pulls her hat off, flipping her hair around her shoulders carelessly, and Seulgi stares because it’s been too long since they’ve been this close, she’s almost forgotten what Soojung looked like.

 

“You’re not that late,” Seulgi answers. “I’m just early.”

 

Soojung nods, fingers drumming mindlessly on the table. Seulgi waits for her to say something more but nothing comes, and Seulgi sighs because honestly, what was she even expecting?

 

“Soojung,” Seulgi calls, biting back the urge to tack on some kind of formality to the ending, “is there--” Soojung eyes her curiously, gaze sharp, and Seulgi knows it doesn’t mean anything, that that’s just how Soojung looks, but still she wishes. She wishes it meant something. She wishes she meant something. She knows she doesn’t. “Is there a reason that you wanted to meet?”

 

Soojung sighs, tucking her hair behind her ear.

 

“It’s been a while,” she answers instead. She rests her chin on her hand and looks at Seulgi without actually looking at her. “You seem…” Her eyes rake over Seulgi carefully and Seulgi squirms, feeling just like she did that first day of training when Soojung had done the same thing in the middle of the practice room. “...well.”

 

Seulgi shrugs, playing with the rim of her cup. She likes to think things have changed, that she’s no longer that scrawny teen Soojung left behind, but Soojung’s still very much ahead of her in a race they should have never been a part of.

 

“Five years is a long time.”

 

The corners of Soojung’s lips raise into a solemn smile. “It is.” She shrugs decidedly. “I guess we have a lot to catch up on.”

 

Seulgi leans back, trying and failing to assess the situation. There isn’t an apology, no tears, just the knowledge that Soojung left and never looked back while Seulgi worked day and night just to move forward in a different direction. The race is over and neither of them have won. Soojung doesn’t seem to care; Seulgi doesn’t either.

 

“I guess we do,” Seulgi agrees and Soojung grins, ducking her head shyly.

 

“So,” Soojung starts, looking around for the waiter, “is the coffee here any good?”

 

Seulgi smiles, gently pushing her cup towards her. “Try for yourself.”

 

Soojung does, lips covering the same part of the cup Seulgi’s had.

 

She sighs contentedly, eyes meeting Seulgi’s directly for the first time since she sat down, and Seulgi feels a familiar jump in her heart.

 

“I like this,” Soojung says, and they both know she doesn’t mean the coffee.

 

--

 

Come over. I want to show you a song.

 

Seulgi reads the message five times before she finally thinks of replying, reads it two more times just to make sure she didn’t imagine it, and then spends another five minutes agonizing over her very lame, very short response.

 

Soojung takes close to an hour to get back to her, and after another two hours of fighting internal anxiety, Seulgi finds herself inside of an expensive looking apartment, feeling more out of place than ever.

 

“Do you want anything?” Soojung asks, leading her into the kitchen. Her slippers have bunny ears on them and Seulgi smiles, picking at the hem of her shirt.

 

“I’m okay.”

 

Soojung hums, pulling out a bottle of water from the fridge.

 

Seulgi stands there awkwardly, doing a poor attempt at trying to mask the open way she’s watching Soojung dip her head back to drink from the bottle. Even the way she drinks water is attractive. Honestly.

 

“Have you seen the movie Her?” Soojung questions suddenly, eyes lighting up.

 

Seulgi furrows her brows, silently going through every movie with an English title that Wendy’s made her watch and draws a blank.

 

“I don’t think so?”

 

Soojung shakes her head. “It’s good. We should watch it.”

 

Seulgi nods slowly. “Okay.”

 

Soojung takes her into the living room, sitting her down on the couch as she searches for the movie in her cabinet, and it hits Seulgi then that she’s at Soojung’s house, sitting on Soojung’s couch, waiting to watch a movie that Soojung likes with Soojung.

 

The thought makes her feel queasy.

 

When the movie starts, Soojung settles next to her, the heat of her leg pressing against Seulgi’s in a way that’s both comfortable and uncomfortable. By the end, Soojung’s leaning fully against her, the scent of her shampoo dulling Seulgi’s senses, and it’s only once it’s over and Soojung’s looking at her expectantly that Seulgi realizes she has no idea what the movie was even about.

 

Seulgi sighs because she’s treading down a familiar dangerous path. One she told herself she would never go down again, and yet here she is, Soojung next to her, and all Seulgi can think about is how nice Soojung looks when she isn’t worried about the world around her.

 

Seulgi smiles, tells Soojung she liked the movie, and tries not to feel too pleased with herself when Soojung beams back at her.

 

She never even showed Seulgi that song.

 

--

 

They go to an art exhibition.

 

Soojung’s friend has work on display or something like that; Seulgi doesn’t really know. She didn’t ask when Soojung had randomly called her and told her to come. She finds that’s a growing trend lately—never asking but always trusting. Seulgi shouldn’t trust Soojung so easily, not after everything, but there’s something about the earnest way she looks at Seulgi that makes it hard to doubt her. Seulgi still doesn’t know how to feel about this.

 

“I’ve always wanted to try oil painting,” Seulgi tells her, admiring the way the colors on the piece in front of them blend together.

 

Soojung hums. “You should try it.”

 

Seulgi shakes her head. “I think it’d be too messy to try at the dorm.”

 

“Try it at my place then,” Soojung says easily, and Seulgi can only blush, mumbling out an “okay,” as she follows after her.

 

They walk towards a sculpture in the middle of the room, arms brushing against each other, and Seulgi thinks that maybe it would just be easier if they were holding hands. She doesn’t act on it though. She’s not someone who does things like that, after all. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t dwell on it for the rest of the time they’re there, hand always reaching out but never quite grasping.

 

It’s only when it gets more crowded, and walking close together becomes more necessity than anything that Soojung finally grabs hold of her. It feels awkward—the way their fingers lace together—but Soojung’s palm is warm, comforting amongst the sea of people.

 

When they leave, Soojung doesn’t let go of her, and Seulgi can’t bring herself to want her to either.

 

She’s no longer scared about what that might mean.

 

--

 

Soojung pulls her aside at a concert.

 

They’re backstage, staff members running around hurriedly as other idols get ready to perform. It’s chaotic and dark and Seulgi can barely make out Soojung’s face beneath the dim lights from the stage.

 

“Soojung?”

 

Soojung doesn’t say anything for a moment, and Seulgi worries that something’s wrong before she feels fingers dancing along her palm.

 

“Good luck,” Soojung tells her before she’s gone, disappearing so quickly it was almost like she was never there to begin with. It reminds Seulgi of all those years ago when Soojung had first left, only now Seulgi’s capable of following after her. She doesn’t.

 

Later, Seulgi traces a finger along her cheek and wonders if she imagined the kiss that Soojung had left there.

 

--

 

Joohyun asks her about it eventually.

 

She’s Joohyun and she has a sense for these things even when Seulgi doesn’t. She’s also that weird hybrid of best friend slash leader and topics like this are always first on her list of things to talk about.

 

“So you’re friends again?” Joohyun questions nonchalantly, fiddling with her phone.

 

Seulgi thinks about coffee in cafés no one goes to and quiet trips to art museums with Soojung huddled into her side and wonders if that’s what they are—friends—or if they’re something else. She’s never really known where she stands with Soojung, and she’s not sure she ever will.

 

She shrugs. “I guess.”

 

Joohyun raises a brow. “You guess?”

 

Seulgi shrugs again. Joohyun gives her a considering look, but doesn’t say anything more. Seulgi’s phone lights up and Seulgi sees a message flash across the screen before she gets up quickly.

 

“Soojung?” Joohyun asks, but it’s hardly a question. Seulgi just grunts, pulling a sweater over her head.

 

It’s not quite simple enough to be friendship, Seulgi thinks later, when Soojung’s legs are covering her own as they lay on Soojung’s couch, an obscure indie movie playing on the TV, but nothing with Soojung ever is.

 

Seulgi thinks it might be better that way. Soojung does too.

 

--

 

“This is stupid.”

 

Seulgi listens patiently as Soojung paces in front of her.

 

They’re in one of the empty waiting rooms backstage at a music show. Seulgi’s supposed to perform soon, but Soojung had shown up and Seulgi could barely remember what the lyrics to her own song were let alone an entire dance. She stops, eyeing Seulgi carefully before moving again. She mumbles something Seulgi doesn’t catch, and then she’s in front of her, face both determined and shy in a way only Jung Soojung is capable of.

 

“This is really stupid,” Soojung says again, but she only moves halfway before she stops again, biting at her lip.

 

It’s frustrating. Soojung’s frustrating because it’s been years and Seulgi really should have gotten over this stupid crush, only now she definitely can’t. Not with the way Soojung’s looking at her.

 

Soojung lowers her head, hair falling forward, and it really isn’t fair that Soojung’s the one being shy when she was the one who stormed in here.

 

Seulgi sighs, thinks whatever, and leans forward.

 

Soojung is taller, probably more experienced, but Seulgi’s the one who guides her towards her, angles her head so that their mouths can move with each other rather than against, and Soojung lets out something between a whine and moan that drives Seulgi a particular kind of crazy. It’s not the ‘drama’ first kiss Seulgi’s always imagined, but Seulgi’s also always imagined kissing the lead actor rather than the lead actress. Some things are just curious that way. Seulgi doesn’t mind.

 

“That was really stupid,” Seulgi agrees when she pulls back and Soojung’s looking at her with flushed cheeks.

 

Stupid, Seulgi thinks again when Soojung brings her back in with fingers curled around her shirt. She has to perform soon, but Seulgi can’t think about anything other than the taste of Soojung’s lips and how it’s been five years too long.

 

“Really stupid,” Soojung repeats, lips brushing against hers and Seulgi smiles.

 

She’s never been the smartest anyway.