I don’t know how to make this more clear, but this chapter actually has some warnings, you guys. The first chapter to have them.

WARNINGS: Death, self-harm.

“You good Taemin?” Whispered Minho in my ear, clearly concerned that I wasn’t doing much talking. I was just staring at my plate while the other guys joked around and talked about our upcoming “visit” to the Queen.

“I’m fine.” I muttered back, dragging my fork idly through the frosting on my tiny purple cake. After the near-miss with a cake that had just spontaneously exploded when I had tried to eat it (apparently I had done it wrong. How is there a wrong way to eat cake?) I was now letting Minho pick out my snacks, making him tell me what they were first. He had said this one was normal, but I wasn’t really hungry anymore.

“So how long until you guys will be there?” Asked Leeteuk, sitting at the head of the table and having a sunnier disposition than he had any right to have. He also kept making these lame jokes which made me smile just out of fondness for his kind, obvious attempt at cheering me up.

“Only a few more days.” Replied Onew. “We need to go visit Duchess first, you know. And I was thinking we should stop by and see if the mock turtle and gryphon are doing ok.” A shadow of sadness passed over the faces of almost everyone present.

“Yeah. We haven’t gone to see them in a while.” Frowned Sungmin and Kyuhyun seemed to clutch him even closer, like he would be taken away.

“Who are the mock turtle and gryphon? What happened to them?” I asked, because I evidently have no clear grasp of acceptable social cues. Everyone got quiet then, with the exception of Minho who turned me to face him and took my hands in his, looking into my eyes very solemnly and seriously, like one would do if they were explaining something important to a child. I couldn’t even get angry because it seemed like this was such a grave topic of conversation.

“Taemin, something happened a few years ago, something big, and there was a battle between  all of us, and something very awful. I’ll have to explain the rest another time, but basically Yunho the Gryphon and Jaejoong the Mock Turtle took a very brave risk. They were the reason we were able to win, but they were punished terribly for it by the enemy. You’ll have to wait and I’ll tell you later, ok?”

I nodded and Minho said “Good”, turning me back around and taking a sip of his tea. But he didn’t let go of my hand.

Things were awkwardly quiet for a few more minutes before Leeteuk cleared this throat.

“Ok, you guys are probably hot and tired from the journey. Would anyone like to use my shower?” Every single one of us stood up, already heading for the house. I hadn’t showered since yesterday morning and I felt gross, sweaty from walking and sticky from the sweat.

“Ok, it’s obvious we have to take turns.” Began Onew.

“KYU AND I CALL FIRST.” Shouted Sungmin, latching onto his taller lover’s arm and dragging him into the house so fast all I could do was blink.

“I don’t think I want to use the shower anymore.” Whimpered Donghae.

“It’s ok, Hae, they probably just want to clean up. You know how Sungmin gets when he feels dirty.” Soothed Eunhyuk. He was full of it, but Donghae nodded and seemed reassured.

“It’s ok, Minnie and I will just go bathe in the pond, won’t we Minnie?” Grinned Minho, pulling his shirt off. I may have been a bit distracted from that point until I felt him pulling at my shirt.

“Stop.” I said, immediately stepping back.

“Don’t be shy Minnie, we’re both guys. I don’t think seeing your chest is going to be a big deal for us here. “ He chuckled, reaching for my shirt again, grabbing the hem and trying to pull it off. I panicked, wiggling around like a cat, trying to get him off.

“STOP, I said stop, didn’t you hear me? Cut it the out!” I elbowed him in the chest, pulling my shirt as far down as I could. Everyone was quiet, just staring at me. I shifted around self-consciously, eyeing the ground, before murmuring “I said stop.” and walking away to the shocked faces of my companions.

I made my way to the flower garden I’d seen earlier, alone. I took a seat right next to it, the petals of a large yellow daisy.

“Ahh, that feels nice.” It purred.

“!” I yelped. “You’re alive?”

“Yes, we’re alive.” Pouted a pretty bluebell next to the daisy. “We’re Jeongsunyeosidae¹, the Flower Girl’s Generation!”

“Oh.” Talking flowers. “I see. Well, nice to meet you.”

“Are you a new flower?” Questioned a tiny pale-purple tulip.

“Yes, you’re pretty and you smell nice.” Agreed a beautiful pure-white lily.

“I seriously wonder how I smell nice right now, but no. I’m not a flower. I’m a man. My name is Taemin.”

“Lovely to meet you Taemin.” Chirped the daisy cutely. “But I think you have to go now. There’s a man behind you, he probably wants to pick you.”

I looked behind me, startled, to see Minho watching me talk to a flower bed.

“Hi.” I said awkwardly. I wasn’t sure if he’d be mad at me for freaking out on him like that or not. Still, I’d told him to stop. I’d just panicked. I wasn’t going to apologize for that.

Minho crouched down next to me and the look on his face was unreadable. I was sure he was angry at first and I tensed up, leaning away from him; but he just pulled me back over and wrapped me in this glorious hug, whispering apologies into my ear.

“I’m sorry, Minnie, I’m so sorry. I should have stopped when you said to stop. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Damn it. I really needed a hug, but it bothered me that he treated me like a kid all the time.

“Why do you do that, huh?” I asked, extricating myself from his lanky arms. “Why do you treat me like I’m seven? You mess around, everything’s fun, then you go too far and have to come apologize. You explain things like I won’t understand them. I’m nineteen years old, Minho, I’m not a kid.”

Minho blinked his big, froggy eyes at me, clearly taken aback. I don’t think he’d even realized he was doing it.

“Because, Minnie… I don’t know. The last time I saw you, you were only about ten. That was the last time you came here. You know how when you don’t see someone for a while, your last image of them is how they used to be. I just keep seeing that ten-year-old with the bowl cut.

“You stopped coming so long ago, and now… Why did you get so upset when I was trying to take off your shirt?” It was like he didn’t see anything wrong with just ripping peoples’ clothes off them. I wasn’t sure I wanted him to know why I’d freaked out.

“I’ll tell you later.” I compromised. He gave me a look, and now he knew it wasn’t just shyness, but I didn’t think I could tell him. I didn’t want to see his face when he saw it.

“I’d like to go shower now, hyung. Alone.” My voice was soft, but Minho looked like I’d hit him. Whatever. I couldn’t be bothered just now to try to keep up my human relationships. I needed to go cry in the shower and feel sorry for myself. I wonder if they had ice cream or chocolate here.

Minho led me silently back to the house where miraculously everyone had gone. My guess was that they were out back again at the tea party, but I didn’t care as long as they weren’t staring at me.

After I’d taken a nice warm shower (which despite my reservations had been normal other than the pink, sweet-smelling water) and calmed down I walked back out to join the others.

They were indeed all at the table again, talking seriously about something. Which of course stopped as soon as I walked up. Because I can’t be allowed to know anything important.

“So where are we staying tonight?” I asked, eyes on the table. “Because I’m pretty tired and I’d like to know how far we’ll be walking this time, thanks.”

“Actually, we’ll be staying here tonight, Taemin-ah.” Replied Onew cautiously. I knew I was being a little but I couldn’t make myself care. If they were going to treat me like I was five I was going to act like I was five. I would be unpleasant and they would deal with it. Because that was how everyone should deal with their problems.

And at that thought I just lost it.

I realized I wasn’t angry at them or at me, I was just so sad about everything that had happened before I’d come here, about not being able to leave now that I was here. I was stressed out about this stupid ing Queen thing and I missed my family, I was with all these lovely people I didn’t even know in a strange place and I really was tired.

Everything was just too damn much and to my horror tears started dripping down my face, streams of them, and no matter what other things I thought of they wouldn’t stop.

Everyone was making this little chorus of “Taemin what’s wrong are you ok” and I was even more embarrassed because I hated crying in front of people. I really did feel like a kid now.

I couldn’t even see anymore and I was sobbing but I got scooped up into someone’s arms and carried away, my absolute humiliation complete. The person carrying me was making these soothing noises and I realized it was Minho. I was too tired to fight with him, too tired to try to get down, to protest the treatment. I just let him carry me up that bridge into the house all the way to what must have been Leeteuk’s bedroom.

Minho flopped down on the bed, still holding me, before making us comfortable. He was leaning back against the headboard and I was in his lap, curled up onto his chest. It was such an intimate position, but it felt so comfortable I didn’t want to fight it. I didn’t want to pull away and go be by myself, having someone take care of me for a change felt too good. I wanted to lie on Minho’s nice-smelling chest and go to sleep forever.

Minho just sat there and held me until I calmed down. Until the sobs faded to heavy breaths and the tears trickled to a stop, leaving my face an ugly mess. He ran his hand through my hair and shushed me quietly until I just slumped against his body, almost asleep.

“Want to tell me what started all that, Taemin-ah?” Minho’s voice was gentle, like he was afraid to make me upset again.

I couldn’t come up with a single answer. It was just everything at once.

“Did I ever tell you what happened to my house? And my family?” I asked instead. It was a trick question, I knew I hadn’t said anything about it.

“No, you didn’t. Why?” Minho sounded strange. It was almost like dread.

“If I tell you what happened to my family will you tell me that story? The one about the war a long time ago?” I wanted this to be a fair exchange of information, not just me crying about my parents.

Minho hesitated, seeming to weigh his options, before agreeing. He said he’d tell me anyway, why not now?

“A long time ago, almost ten years, I spent the night at a friend’s house. We watched movies and ate candy and stayed up late and did all the fun stuff children do at sleepovers. Meanwhile, my parents and my older brother were home. Oh, and my cat, Eve, she was there.

“At some point, very late at night, a fire started in our living room. They’re not sure how, they thing maybe they fire didn’t get put out all the way and somehow an ember wound up on the carpet. Or maybe the cat knocked something over, like a candle that hadn’t been put out. But the house went up in flames. Once the fire burned through the living room and into the hall it was all over.

“My parents were trapped upstairs, in their bedroom. If I had been home I would have been too. Key’s room was on the first floor but he couldn’t get out somehow. Maybe he was asleep, or maybe the smoke made him confused. But he didn’t get out, neither did my parents.

“They found three bodies, burnt beyond any recognition. They say my parents died of smoke inhalation before the fire could get to them, but not Key. Key probably died screaming.”

I hadn’t even realized I was crying again.

“I didn’t even know, Minho, I didn’t even know my family was burning to death. I got home the next day and there were police and yellow tape everywhere. My house was almost gone, it burned to the ground. It was old and made of wood. There was a shell left, the framework, a massive rubbish-pile. That’s it. And no mom and dad and Key.”

I scrubbed at my face with my hands, trying to get rid of the tears clinging to my face.

“I wish I’d been home.”

In less than two seconds I was pinned down on the bed, arms at my sides and a furious Minho screaming into my face.

“DON’T YOU DARE SAY THAT, DON’T YOU EVER SAY THAT! DON’T YOU EVER WISH YOU WERE DEAD, DO YOU HEAR ME?!” His eyes were massively wide and his nostrils were flared, I swear he was almost foaming at the mouth. He was like a rabid dog; no sense, just rage.

“You are so, so lucky to be alive, Taemin, and I’m so lucky you’re alive. Do you honestly think your parents wish you’d died? That Key wishes you’d died?” When I shook my head no, numb with shock and terrified at this new, shouting Minho, he breathed out heavily.

“I’m sorry for scaring you, Taemin. Just please, please never tell me you’d rather be dead. I can’t handle it.”

Minho let me up, just sitting with me in shock at his own violent outburst. I had felt so comforted when he was holding me, only to feel downright frightened when he was shouting at me.

Minho was just ing all of my emotions up.

I clenched my fists, digging my nails into my palms.

“I want to take off my shirt now, Minho.” My voice sounded hoarse and far-away in my ears, not like me at all.

I didn’t wait for his permission or for him to stop me or whatever it is he would have done.

I just ripped the er off, eyes firmly down once it was removed, and waiting for the gasp of shock I knew would be coming.

My whole chest was littered with scars; small, big, white, red, thick, thin scars.

“Still think I’m good-looking?” But it was rhetorical. I didn’t want an answer as much as he wasn’t going to give me an answer. There was no humor or teasing. Just the stark question-that-wasn’t-a-question.

I jerked in my invisible restraints when Minho traced one tan finger over my chest, outlining various scars.

I couldn’t lose it again; I needed to stay in control. Stay in control, stay in control Taemin stay in control stay in control stay in control-

I hadn’t realized I’d been saying it out loud until I caught Minho’s horrified look.

“Taemin…” He seemed to be unable to even form words.

“It’s fine. I need to go now.” I wasn’t even sure what was coming out of my mouth, my only instincts were gonowTaemingogogogogo.

“Stop.” I froze, waiting for that quiet voice to give me its verdict. I was sure I would be found guilty.

“You did this to yourself?” Minho sounded absolutely disbelieving. He just kept tracing the scars, over and over.

“Yeah. It’s not like it was all at once.” Those were five years’ worth of scars.

“You did it because you were upset?” Fingertips on my skin, lightly.

“Well, upset, angry, a lot of things. I just had... too much, if you can understand what I mean by that. Too much going on inside me, I couldn’t handle it. Physical pain is like an emotional relief. I finally felt like I could breathe again, like my chest wasn’t as heavy. It’s hard to explain to someone who hasn’t done it.”

“And this…” He outlined an angry red scar, bigger than most. “helped you? Do you still do it?”

He looked sort of frantic with the last question, like I might have been going at myself with a butcher’s knife in the tent last night. I tugged my shirt back on, batting his hand away. That was quite enough of that.

“No. I haven’t for a year now.” Minho seemed almost to deflate, looking entirely lost. I didn’t blame him.

“I’m so sorry.” He gave this choked laugh. “I’ve said that a lot since you’ve come back, haven’t I? I’m so sorry I tried to take your shirt off like that. I’m sorry I’ve treated you like a seven-year-old. I’m sorry you’re away from home, and that you don’t remember us. I’m sorry about all the walking, I’m sorry you’re so tired. I’m so, so sorry, Taemin-ah, that you’re so sad. And I’m sorry I can’t help you.”

And Minho leaned in grabbing my shoulder with one hand and the back of my head with the other, and kissed me.

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Note: SNSD’s Korean name is 소녀시대 ( Sunyeoshidae or Girls' Generation). 정수 “Jeongsu” means “flower” so now their name is a pun, the “정수녀시대 (Jeongsunyeosidae)” or “flower-girl’s generation.” Although now it’s spelt incorrectly. L In case anyone is wondering, the Daisy was Sunny, the Bluebell was Tiffany, the purple Tulip was Yoona and the white Lily was Taeyeon. They were all there, those were just the ones with speaking parts.

Holy God, you lot. I’m sorry this took so long to get out, but summer finals, and internet problems and full-time work. I’ve been so busy I just haven’t had the time. Here it is, I expect the next chapter up by NEXT Friday, a week from now. ’s getting intense, isn’t it?

And please, please drop a review? I think this whole thing but I can’t figure out why.

Also, this is my Tumblr. Fling on an Adidas hoodie and come boogie-woogie with me!

http://fairybreath493.tumblr.com/