The Voice

When the elevator stopped, Sunny and Tiffany stepped out and Sumin, somewhat dazed, followed after them. It was hard enough for her to face the fact that Taeyeon’s relationship with Baekhyun was a lie, but even harder still to face the implications of that lie, namely that because of this cover story, Taeyeon couldn’t date anyone else lest the truth come out, which suggested that she was apparently sacrificing her own happiness for someone else. Unable to imagine the Taeyeon she knew being willing to do something like this, Sumin could only assume that Taeyeon had been forced into it. That was the only explanation that upheld the image of the self-centered Taeyeon she’d had in mind all these years.

Because she was so lost in thought, Sumin hadn’t been paying attention to her surroundings. Her stare had been focused on the floor as she followed after Sunny and Tiffany, and when those two girls suddenly stopped walking, she nearly bumped into them. It was only then that she looked up and realized that they had entered a large studio with a lounge in the back where the other SNSD girls were hanging out.

Four of the girls—Hyoyeon, Yuri, Sooyoung, and Yoona—were sitting on the couch, chatting in quiet conversation. Seohyun was sitting in an adjacent armchair, reading a self-help book. Jessica, meanwhile, was leaning against the back wall, yawning at that early hour.

Tiffany walked to the back to talk with Jessica while Sunny planted herself right into the middle of the four girls on the couch, all of whom playfully feigned annoyance at Sunny trying to squeeze in.

“Ai, there’s no room for you!” Yuri said, laughing as she tried to push Sunny off the couch. “Go sit on Seohyun’s lap instead. She’s so into that book she probably won’t even notice you.”

Sunny shimmied in her seat to make more room. “My fits perfectly!” she said, laughing. “See?”

Having not slept at all, and feeling somewhat frenzied, Sumin desperately wanted to sit down and try to rest both her body and mind, knowing that she wouldn’t be able to keep it together for much longer if she didn’t get a break, but there was only the couch and the armchair in that lounge, with no space left anywhere for her to sit. She looked toward the front of the room where all the audio and recording equipment was set up, facing the glass booth. Compared to the dimly lit lounge area, the front of the room was considerably bright, with a row of ceiling lamps mounted above the equipment, and just as many lights illuminating the glass-enclosed booth. She noticed seats there, both by the equipment and in the booth, but she thought that sitting in either of those places would be too strange. The last thing she wanted was to stand out from the girls and draw attention to herself.

Just then, two men entered the room. One was older and dressed in a suit; the younger man was dressed more casually in what looked like hip-hop style clothing. The girls seemed to know both men. They all talked informally about an upcoming show at the Tokyo Dome in December, which Sumin knew nothing about, having not looked that far ahead on the SNSD calendar online.

“So, we think Catch Me If You Can is going to be the Tokyo Dome single,” the older man said. “That’s the plan anyway, but we need to rerecord one of Taeyeon’s parts, which we’ll do right now, and then afterward I want everyone to go over the choreography again. We might make some changes…”

He continued talking but Sumin had stopped listening. Her eyes went wide and her body frozen, with her last inhale hanging on his words… need to rerecord one of Taeyeon’s parts… right now. She had only just taken Taeyeon’s place last night and thought that she’d have at least a day or two before she’d be asked to sing. Instead, she was being asked to do so at this very moment. Before today, she had believed that once she stepped into Taeyeon’s life, the world would grant her the idol’s voice, allowing her to truly become her cosmic opposite, but she no longer believed any of that. The illusion had been shattered. All that remained was a reality she was not prepared to face.

“Go ahead and get in the booth so we can get started,” the man said, pointing to Sumin. He looked then at the other girls. “We just need ten minutes so you ladies can wait here.”

Despite the fact that she hadn’t slept, Sumin suddenly felt wired and jittery. Her heart was racing and her hands were fidgety. She tried to take a step forward but her legs were shaking.

The younger man in the hip-hop clothes passed Sumin a bottle of water as he gently pushed her toward the recording booth. “At the end of the song, when you sing the standout part of the I’m going to find my heart refrain, we want this to be more of a crescendo, so hold the my a bit longer. Okay?” He held his thumbs up to her, smiling.

Because the song was still being produced, Sumin hadn’t heard it yet and had no idea how that particular line should be sung. She thought that, if they played the song for her to sing over, she might be able to pick it up, but she was too scared to attempt Taeyeon’s singing voice. Just impersonating Taeyeon’s voice in casual conversation was hard enough.

She stoically looked at the glass booth ahead. Each step forward felt like she was trudging through deep snow. As she got closer, she could see her reflection in the glass, that faded visage of Taeyeon, which only made it more difficult for her because she knew now that the reflection was a mirage, just a ridiculous delusion. She wasn’t and could never be Taeyeon. She was just Sumin—a poor, suffering soul trapped inside the outward appearance of her delusion.

She stopped just short of the booth door, knowing that she couldn’t do it. If she attempted it, this would all be over. She turned around then, seeing the entirety of SNSD staring back at her from the lounge area.

The young man was already toying with the knobs of the studio equipment, preparing the levels for recording, but he stopped and looked up at Sumin then. “Is everything okay?” he asked.

The older man in the suit then looked at her, too. “You want to warm up first?”

Sumin opened to speak but no words would come out and so she just stood there awkwardly, not knowing what to do. At that moment, she swore she heard one of the girls laugh at her. Her eyes darted to the lounge area but she couldn’t tell who had uttered the laugh. She stared suspiciously at Yuri, and then Hyoyeon, and then Yoona… but all of the girls just stared back with confused expressions.

“What’s wrong, Tae?” Sunny asked, as she stood from the couch.

Sumin began breathing heavily, her hands even more jittery than they were before and her eyes now darting all around the room until seeing the exit. She stumbled to get there, nearly knocking into the recording equipment along the way. As she did, she suddenly heard that laugh again and wondered which one of the girls would take delight in her suffering. Clearly, the idea that these girls were sisterly and supportive of one another was yet another lie in Taeyeon’s life.

Just as Sumin reached the door, she heard Sunny speak above the whispers that had just erupted.

“I think she’s sick,” Sunny said. “Her voice has been kind of off…”

That was the last thing Sumin heard before she ran out. By the time she reached the end of the hall, she was so laden with anxiety that she nearly crashed against the closed elevator doors. She pressed the button for the elevator three times, and then another three times, and then decided that she couldn’t wait for the elevator and instead ran toward the nearby stairwell.

She didn’t stop running until she got outside, finding herself once again in that back parking lot where, just last night, Seunghyun had so forcefully taken Taeyeon. Everything had seemed so possible last night in the dark, but not anymore. The hot August sun that shone down upon her made her feel exposed, as if illuminating the lie she was carrying and making it visible to anyone who looked. Even though the sun was hot and her brow sweaty, she zipped up her sweatshirt and pulled the hood down over her face, wanting only to hide.

She looked down at the pavement as she walked to the Porsche, not noticing Sehun, who had just gotten out of his car and was walking toward her.

“Taeyeon-ah,” Sehun quietly said, as he jogged a few paces to reach her.

Sumin looked up and saw the maknae standing before her.

“Did you sleep well?” he asked.

opened a bit, but still she had no words.

“Did you… read my note?”

“Note?” she asked. The word came out harshly. Sumin hadn’t even tried to impersonate Taeyeon’s voice. It was her own voice that came out instead.

Sehun didn’t seem to notice. “This Baekhyun thing… it , but…” His voice trailed off as he lowered his head. “But if you read my note, you know how I feel and…” He looked up at her now, his face serious. “It’s just that every time we hang out, it’s getting harder and harder to hide those feelings from you.”

Sumin was still reeling from having run out of the studio like that and now, upon hearing Sehun confess, she felt a sudden craziness stir within her, from which a laugh emerged so loud and so cackle-like that it sounded quite like Taeyeon’s ahjumma laugh, only there was a trace of darkness in it that couldn’t be denied.

But if Sehun had picked up on that darkness, he didn’t have a chance to respond because, at that moment, Sumin suddenly grabbed his face with both hands to pull him toward her and then forcefully kissed him, her tongue opening his lips and pushing inside as crashed against his over and over while Sehun stood there in shock, receiving her intense kiss. When she finally pulled away, she saw that his eyes were wide, his mouth still hanging open.

“We don’t have to hide anymore,” Sumin said, smiling. She was playing on what Sehun had said before about having to hide his feelings from her, but she really meant it on a much deeper level, as in she, Sumin, wasn’t going to hide anymore. Earlier, when she had fled the studio, she had realized that she wouldn’t be able to pull off the Taeyeon act for long, but rather than just give it up, she knew now what she had to do. She was going to ride this out to the end and, in the process, do as much damage to Taeyeon’s life as she could. If she couldn’t be Taeyeon, then she was going to destroy Taeyeon’s life so irreparably that the real Taeyeon, if given the chance, wouldn’t even want her old life back.

She pulled off her hood at that moment and ped her sweatshirt, feeling suddenly free, and then brushed past Sehun. He turned to watch her go, his eyes still wide in alarm and his mouth still open. Sumin didn’t see this. She focused only on getting to the Porsche, intending to drive to Seunghyun’s apartment and torture Taeyeon with the news of the devious plan she had just hatched.