The End: Part 1

Sumin rushed out of the apartment building, trying to forget what Taeyeon had said about the playground thirteen years ago, but no matter how hard she squeezed her eyes closed or how viciously she shook her head, she couldn’t dispel these thoughts. And she knew why. On some level, she knew that what Taeyeon had said was true.

After her father had died, she had begun cutting herself. Her blackouts coincided with the cutting so that, sometimes, she wouldn’t even know what she had done until she awoke to see the blood-stippled lines along her inner arms. Those who cut did so because it was, in some small way, a means of regaining control or a means of dealing with pain. But in Sumin’s case, because her consciousness faded in and out during these sessions, she felt no euphoria when cutting—or, if she did, she didn’t remember it and was left with nothing but confusion and scars and, above all, that same lingering pain.

She felt that lingering pain now as she left the building and made her way out to the street where the Porsche was parked, but she tried to swallow it down and keep her tears at bay. The last thing she wanted to do was break down and cry right there on the street. She needed to be strong, especially if she was going to continue with her plan to destroy Taeyeon’s life. Despite how misguided this plan was, she needed to go through with it. She had to. Her hatred for Taeyeon had given her life meaning. It had gathered all of her pain and allowed her to redirect it outward, rather than inward. If she didn’t carry out what she had started, then she would be left to face her own demons, to face herself, and she wasn’t capable of that right now.

Unknowingly, she passed right by Sehun’s car on her way to the driver’s side of the Porsche. She sat inside the Porsche and turned the ignition, not once glancing up at the rearview to see the idol sitting in his car behind her, ready to follow her to wherever she was headed next.

Sumin only had one destination: the SM building. She drove there intent on doing something, but she couldn’t focus her thoughts for more than a few minutes to even think ahead to what that something might be. Back when her mother had abandoned her, after the courts had someone evaluate her, she had been prescribed a medication that had helped her think more clearly, but when she had run away to avoid time in a psychiatric hospital, she had no way of continuing to fill that prescription and had been living in a fog ever since. Part of her wanted to steer the Porsche toward a source of help, toward someone who might prescribe that medication again, but doing that meant admitting that she needed help, and she could no more admit to this than she could admit that her hatred for Taeyeon was unwarranted.

When she arrived at SM, she saw a car pull up just beside hers and watched as Sehun got out. Having had no idea that he had followed her, she walked with a smile toward him.

Sehun walked toward her, too, but without a reciprocating smile. “Is everything okay with you?” he asked.

Thinking that all of the torment that she was feeling must be showing on her face, she forced herself to smile even more widely. “Of course,” she said. “Why do you ask?”

“I followed you,” Sehun said. “I saw you go into that weird building. Do you know someone who lives there? Or were you…” He paused for a moment, as if searching for the right way to phrase his thoughts. “Were you thinking about getting plastic surgery? I saw the sign outside the building. Is that why you went there alone?”

Sumin, at first, was alarmed. She worried that maybe he had seen more than he let on, but his face seemed to express nothing but genuine concern. With her worries aside, she then grew angry at him not only for following her, but for being so direct with his questions. “What business is it of yours whether I get surgery or not?” she asked.

Sehun bowed his head, apparently embarrassed for questioning her like that. “I’m sorry,” he quietly said. “You were just acting strangely, like, with that kiss and—” He abruptly stopped talking. His head was still down, his stare seemingly focused on Sumin’s hands as he slowly reached for them.

Sumin let him take her hands in his, not quite understanding what was happening.

He turned her hands over, as if examining them, and as he did, he caught sight of the stained blood from her scalp on her fingertips. He looked up at her, his face full of confusion, and then there was a sudden shift in his glance as he focused on the blood in her hair. Sumin reached up and instantly felt the blood. She had forgotten how much hair she had pulled out back at Seunghyun’s apartment during the confrontation with Taeyeon. With no time to think, she uttered the first excuse that came to mind. “I fell down earlier.”

“You’re hurt,” he said.

“I’ll be okay,” she quickly said. Hoping to divert his attention away from the matter, she stepped forward, reaching for him. With her plan in mind, she said, “We should go public with our relationship. I don’t want to hold back anymore.” She extended her arms over his shoulders, clasped her hands behind his head, and forced another smile.

Sehun glanced down at her arms around his neck and caught a glimpse of the faint scars that lined her inner arms. Sumin didn’t realize this until Sehun suddenly pushed the sleeve of her hoodie up her arm to get a better look. She quickly yanked her arm away and pushed the sleeve back down, hiding the evidence of her childhood cutting.

They stared at each other a moment, neither knowing what to say. Sumin, unable to bear the scrutiny, turned around without a word and walked away, headed for the back entrance to SM.

Sumin had found a bathroom inside and was standing in front of the sink, trying to wash the blood out of her hair. She kept looking down at the water pouring out of the tap as she rinsed her scalp, doing her best not to look up at the mirror. She didn’t want to see Taeyeon’s face. Not now.

Just as she finished, she heard the bathroom door open and saw Jessica walk in.

“Yah, where did you go before?” Jessica asked.

Sumin didn’t answer.

“They rescheduled your studio time in case you were wondering. Sunny said your voice didn’t sound right and that you might be sick. You okay?”

Knowing that her pretense would soon be up, Sumin swallowed hard, ready to destroy as much of Taeyeon’s life as she could in what little time was left. “No, I’m not okay,” she said. “I hate being in this group. I’m going to quit.”

Jessica’s normally icy expression suddenly collapsed as her small mouth fell open. “What?”

“You heard me,” Sumin quietly said. “I never liked any of you and I just want out.” She pushed Jessica aside with a more powerful than intended, slamming her into one of the sinks. Jessica gasped upon impact but Sumin just continued forward to the bathroom door, left only to imagine the shocked look on Jessica’s face.

Once outside in the hallway, without knowing where to go or what to do next, she wandered aimlessly for a few minutes until turning a corner and suddenly seeing Sehun there talking quietly with Sunny. They were far enough down the hallway where she couldn’t hear what they were saying, but she was sure they were talking about her. She froze, watching from the other end as Sehun continued whispering. She could see Sunny’s expression of disbelief upon hearing whatever it was that he was saying. Sumin imagined that he was telling Sunny all about the blood in her hair, about the cutting scars up her arm, and about her strange visit to some building on the other side of town. Maybe, she thought, just maybe he was even expressing some doubt that she was really Taeyeon.

At that moment, both Sehun and Sunny must’ve sensed her presence because they both turned to look her way, their faces full of wide-eyed suspicion.

Sumin knew it was the end.