WARNING!!! : SELFHARM MENTIONED!!!

______________________________________________________________________________________________

It’s been three weeks now since Taeil and Jiho talked about the singers fears. Since that moment Taeil said Thank you he’s been regretting nothing more than not telling the leader the truth. They’d seen each other several times during the week after this and he had tried to tell him every single time but the words never left his mouth. They stayed in his head, sentences, no, whole monologues that he created have only been waiting to be spoken, though something refused to let them out. At this point Taeil gave up, there was nothing he could do and the day of the performance came closer, way too close for his liking. 

Of course he accepted the offer to perform, he had the choice though, he could’ve said no. But despite this being his worst nightmare it was also his biggest dream. He always dreamt of performing on big stages because everyone would finally recognize and acknowledge his hard work, Jiho, the members and his family would be proud and he no longer had to disappoint anyone. How could he say no? He also didn’t want to run away, he had to get over this and be strong. he was an idol, being afraid was never an option.

Today was actually a special day for block b because it was the only day where every member was free, even busy Jiho. They decided on meeting at the dorm and do nothing but playing video games, eating and drinking, probably talking about the entire time avoiding anything that had to do with their work. This was what they were best at if they had time for it.

Taeil was looking forward to it a lot. He didn’t want to get reminded of his problems all the time and he hasn’t seen Jiho, Minhyuk and Yukwon in over a week due to everyones schedules. 

It was already 2 pm when all members were finally gathered but Jiho and Jaehyo were already gaming for an hour while sitting on the ground the moment Minhyuk arrived.

¨SHOOOOOT!! SHOOT! Daaamnit Jaehyoo!ShoOOT THE SHIIITTT!!¨

¨STOP SCREAMING AT ME AND GET THE AMMUNITION!¨

¨Don’t you teLL ME WHAT TO DO!¨

¨COULD YOU STO-¨

¨SHUT UP AND SHOOOT!! KILL IT!¨

You could hear Yukwons incredibly loud laugh probably through the whole building, it was louder then the screams coming from the other two. He was sitting on the couch laughing furiously at the insults they were throwing at each others heads and nibbling on snacks that were spread all over the floor.

When Minhyuk, Kyung and Taeil entered the living room he shook his head.

¨You’d think people grow up with the years and hardships they go through…¨

He walked over to the other dancer, hit him with his water bottle and settled down besides him, cracking a grin.

Suddenly Jihoon shouted out of the bathroom ¨JIHO, DID YOU TAKE OUR TOILET PAPER AGAIN?¨

¨NO I DIDN’T!¨

¨He did.¨ said Kyung and walked away to bring his fellow rapper toilet paper.

Taeil laughed. Since the first day they all moved in together nothing really has changed despite the fact that no one gets into a serious fight with another member anymore. 

When Kyung came back from his toilet paper mission he and Taeil went into the kitchen. They started preparing parts of their unexpectedly healthy dinner they’d have in the evening.

 ¨…Taeil, can I ask you something? I mean it’s really personal…¨

Kyung seemed a bit unsure if he should really ask or if he should better keep it to himself.

¨Mmh, sure. What do you wanna know?¨

¨Aaah, I don’t really know how to say it without being to straight forward. Okay, well, don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to be nosy… I just, you know, errr-¨

¨Oh my god, will you ask now? You know I wont get angry or anything, spit it out already.¨

¨I was just wondering, you and Jiho are really close right?¨

¨Mhm, but I guess we are all really close?¨

¨Yeah, well no, I meant- never mind, I may just be stupid, haha! ¨

The short rapper continued to chop some vegetables as if nothing happened.

¨…Okay then?¨ Taeil said confused. ‚What the heck was that?' 

~

By the end of the day (more like the beginning of the next day) the two dancers had left and everyone went to sleep. Jiho decided to linger around a little longer so he stayed over night and slept on the couch. To sum it up: no one was awake but Taeil. It went well for him in the beginning though. He was happy and tired so for about an hour he actually fell asleep. But then some weird dreams started occurring and creeped through his mind until he woke up. And that’s when his real life nightmare began.

In the beginning it was like usual. He worried too much thinking about his upcoming performance, about all the schedules, about how he needs to improve his skills and appearance on stages and tv shows. But he unconsciously took it to the next level. It couldn’t been called worrying anymore, he stressed himself so much that he began to be a torture. Again he was constantly gasping for air as if he was about to suffocate. Tears started building up and running down his face non stop while his whole body started shaking in fear, mostly of what was happening to him. It was different than than the times before, it was worse.

 Suddenly he noticed a piercing pain in his right hand and startled in shock as he realized that he must have grabbed something sharp in affect and then clenched his fists so hard that the object pressed into his flesh until it cut and started bleeding. Blood running down his hand uncontrollably the young male tried to escape the room as quiet as possible. He didn’t want anyone to notice him especially not like this. They’d think he’s crazy that he’s already harming himself. He wasn’t like that! He wasn’t… was he?

The singer staggered into the bathroom, crying and shaking like crazy, and closed the door behind him. He felt so dizzy and nauseous and he couldn’t hear anything else despite a loud ringing and screeching in his ears. The panic he always tried to avoid took over his mind and body and every attempt to calm down failed miserably. He had no control whatsoever.

When he turned his head a bit the door that he closed only seconds before was open all of a sudden and the moment he thought he was about to fall onto the cold, hard ground something  seemed to have caught him because he never felt the collision.

He couldn’t see anything at first, everything was black even though he had his eyes open, or at least he thought he did. It took Taeil some time to be kind of aware of what actually happened. He felt a pair of strong, warm arms around him, keeping him steady, and a muffled voice, that kept calling his name. The small male wanted to answer to say that he was alright but he couldn’t get any words out. It would’ve been the biggest and most obvious lie of his life anyway.

¨Taeil! Taeil, please! Say something, I’m begging you, can you hear me? Oh good…¨

After what felt like hours Taeil was able to finally open his eyes for real this time, his blurry view cleared up slightly and he recognize the voice, the smell and of course the face of the person holding him.

¨Jiho… so sorry…¨ He mumbled

¨Thank goodness, I was so scared!¨ Jiho kneeled on the floor, his clothes already stained with blood and tears. He cried and sobbed into Taeils hair, bringing the older closer again.

¨I’m so sorry, Taeil, I should’ve never let it come this far!¨

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Ayoooo, another chapter is out! ^____^

it has gotten kind of deep and really serious at the end, I hope you liked it.

It is the most important chapter for me until now and  aslo a little personal so please tell me what you think :)