BTS - Hold Me Tight

T minus one year and two months

            I liked park benches. I really liked them. The way they set the perfect mood for any type of story to blossom, the way they’re just there but never really taken for granted. They were wooden structures weighed down by countless memories, in the crude graffiti etched into the sides and the dents and chips of the metal supports.

            There was one in the park just a few blocks away from my house, tucked in the shade of a cherry tree, that I especially admired, mostly because it was where I’d first talked to him.

            Park Jimin, his name was. And he was so beautiful he was hard to look at.

            Seriously. I’d always had this weird thing of being uncomfortable whenever I looked someone in the eye for too long, but after a few days of casual surveys I’d found out that I wasn’t the only one with the problem. He was like a walking cause of self-consciousness.

            I’d noticed him on my first day of high school. He was the one who offered to give the kids who’d missed orientation a tour on the first day, and when he was taking us down the halls I didn’t even hear what he was saying because I was so consumed by his looks. He caught me staring about halfway through the tour, and I spent the rest of the time with my head down, my cheeks a deep shade of crimson and my heart palpitating in my chest.

            I observed him from afar (which was the most normal way to say ‘I stalked him’) whenever he was in my field of vision. He possessed the ability to look good in pretty much everything, and even while he was constantly being attacked with confessions and blushing girls (and a few guys) he still maintained both his patience and his sanity.

            Basically, he was a Narcissus with a personality as beautiful as his looks, and I was the rat trailing behind the heels of his shoes.

            “Why are you staring at that?” was the first thing he said to me, a few minutes after school had ended for the day. I was standing in front of my favorite bench underneath the blossoming cherry tree, observing the petals of a blossom closely. I was in such a state of Zen that I didn’t even jump, and instead turned slowly to find myself closer than I’d ever been to the person I always admired from afar.

            “Because they’re beautiful,” I stated, cupping a flower carefully in my hand and leaning it slightly towards him, being careful so as to not hurt the delicate structure.

            He looked at the flower with mild interest before turning back to me. “Do you find everything beautiful?” He asked the question with no sarcasm whatsoever, and the sparkle in his eyes made my heart race.

            “I find beautiful the things most people don’t notice,” I answered honestly. I wasn’t trying to impress him. I was just telling him the truth.

            He smiled at me for a bit, not one of pity or disdain like most juniors and seniors did to freshmen but one of pure interest. “My name is Park Jimin,” he said finally, sticking out a hand.

I took it, trying to ignore how his smaller hand fit perfectly into my larger one, and we shook hands. “Jeon Jungkook,” I said softly, still bewildered by the fact that the person I’d grown used to admiring from afar was now standing just a foot away from me, all his attention on me and our conversation. I decided it was the perfect time to get to know him better.

 “So,” I said, starting to walk out of impulse. I was taken aback when he followed me, but kept going. “What’s your favorite color?”

~

T minus nine months

            The moment I stepped out of my friend’s car, surrounded by reunions and laughter, I immediately started searching the grounds for Jungkook.

            It wasn’t the easiest thing in the world to do. Despite his good looks, Jungkook was otherwise a generic guy – average height, same hair color as half the student population and generic sense of style. Resigning myself to the possibility that I might have to wait until school ended to see him, I gave up and joined in my friends’ conversation. I stood there, barely listening, until five minutes later when a very familiar voice called my name.

            I turned around to find a slightly breathless Jungkook standing behind me, his smile practically lighting up the world. “I was looking for you.”

            I grinned, stepping away from my group of friends so we could talk ‘privately’ (with about five different shoulders bumping into us every minute). “So was I. I mean,” I hastily added, “I was looking for you as well. I can’t be looking for myself, because – okay, um, I’ll just shut up now.” I could feel myself turning pink as I laughed in embarrassment.

            Jungkook giggled (seriously, giggled), reaching over to ruffle my hair, something I always pretended to hate. “You’re so awkward.”

            I glared at him, straightening up a bit. “Don’t let the mere three centimeters you have on me get to you. I’m still two years older, you know.”

            “I know, I know,” he teased. “So, what was the thing you wanted to give me?”

            “Ah! Right.” Sliding my backpack off my shoulders, I set it on the ground and began rummaging through its contents before triumphantly pulling out a bundle of dark fabric. “Here.” Zipping my bag back up, I slung it over my shoulders again and tossed him the bundle.

            Jungkook’s expression of confusion eventually turned into one of bewilderment as he shook the bundle out, revealing it to be a simple navy blue letterman jacket. “Is this...?”

            “The jacket you gave me half a year ago, yeah,” I confirmed, stuffing my hands into my pockets. “It’s been sitting in my closet for quite some time now.”

            “I gave it to you one year ago,” he corrected. “Holy crap, so that’s where it went.”He glared at me jokingly.

            I opened my mouth to respond but was drowned out by the sound of the bell ringing, signalling the start of school and the beginning of a stampede of students spilling towards the front doors.

            “I gotta go,” I said to him, leaning a bit closer so he could hear me over the sudden uproar of chatter, “I’ll see you later, okay?”

            He nodded. “At the bench?” he asked, grabbing my arm out of impulse as the crowd started to carry us away from each other.

            “Yeah,” I managed to say before the crowd broke his grip on my arm and pushed him out of sight.

~

T minus four months

            I liked Jimin.

            I really, really liked Jimin. More than I liked benches, possibly. Everything he did sent a thrill of longing – to make him mine, to at least have enough courage to tell him I wanted to make him mine – through my nerve system. It wasn’t exactly a secret – everywhere I went, people grinned at me knowingly. Some even clapped me on the shoulder and wished me luck.

            I didn’t exactly mind. I kind of needed it.

            And it didn’t help that he was always inviting me over to his house to watch a movie, be study partners (even though he was a senior and I was a sophomore) or help him with his relative/friend’s birthday present. And it didn’t help that whenever we watched a horror movie together (which were the only movies we watched together, despite planning otherwise), he would get scared and impulsively curl up against me and bury his face in my shoulder until I reassured him the scene had passed. And it didn’t help that he kept rubbing his elbow against mine as we were studying together. And it definitely didn’t help when we finished preparing his gift and he threw his arms around me while thanking me endlessly.

            Sometimes he would do something that made him look like he knew, like when I caught him smiling at me ambiguously. Sometimes he would appear absolutely clueless, like when people clapped me on the shoulder and he asked me if I’d won something and hadn’t told him.

            Either way, I was going to have to confess to him sooner or later.

~

            T minus one week

            Jungkook was probably incredibly embarrassed when he confessed to me, but to me he looked absolutely adorable.

            Classes had just ended, and I was at my locker sorting out the things I needed to bring home in my backpack while chatting with the person at the locker next to mine. I’d met Jung Hoseok a year ago in dance class, when the teacher decided we were both too advanced and let us start our own dance thing after school. We’d been practising each week and performing whenever there was an assembly since, and sometimes when there was a duet competition in the region we would participate if both our schedules allowed.

            “Did you hear about the new competition in the region?” he was asking, leaning casually against his locker as he waited for me to finish. Starting last month, when we discovered we lived quite near each other, we walked home together and alternated whose house to stay at until both our sets of parents came home – which was at the same time, strangely.

            “Is it duos?” I closed my locker door shut and snapped my lock on.

            “Nah, only singles, and I can’t make it on that day, but I thought you’d be interested.” We started walking towards the doors.

            “When is it?”

            “July fourteenth.”

            I groaned in disappointment. “, man, I can’t make it. I’m moving to my apartment next Monday, remember?”

            Hoseok scratched the back of his neck sheepishly. “Yeah, I just remembered. Sorry. I’ll miss you~” he sang suddenly, throwing his arms around me in a spontaneous show of affection.

            I laughed, pushing his arms off. “I know you will.”

            We were pushing open the school doors and had just stepped out into the bright sunlight when a figure popped out of nowhere, a blur of dark hair and light-colored clothes.

            “PARK JIMIN!”

            I nearly jumped three feet in the air, and was caught so off-balance that I stumbled into Hoseok, who was surprisingly not shocked at all. I straightened myself to see a flustered Jungkook standing in front of me, his flushed face set with a determination that made my heartbeat quicken.

            He noticed chuckling Hoseok standing beside me, and quickly bowed. “Hey, Hoseok hyung.”

            “Hi,” he laughed in response, patting my shoulder. “Looks like you two want to be alone. I’ll wait for you at the bus stop, okay?”

            “Okay,” I said absentmindedly, my attention fixed on the boy in front of me.

            “Listen, er....” Jungkook awkwardly started the moment Hoseok was well out of earshot. “I kind of have something to tell you.”

            “Yeah?” I perked up in interest. “What is it?”

            “I....” he shuffled his feet. “I... kind of like you, hyung.”

            “Oh, so now you’re calling me hyung?” I asked jokingly, trying to make him feel comfortable.

            Sadly, it didn’t work. At all.

            His head snapped up immediately, a dark disappointed fire burning in his eyes. “You don’t even care that I just confessed?”

            I stepped back out of instinct, shaking my head. “No, Jungkook, I just meant-”

            “Fine, then,” he snapped. “Forget about it.” He turned away from me, but not before I saw tears in his eyes. “I’ll just try to get over you, then.”

            And with each step he took away from me, my feet glued to the spot, my heart fell lower and lower.

            What are you doing? my mind yelled at me. You like him too, don’t you?

            No, I thought immediately.

           That’s right, some other part of my mind replied. You’ve fallen for him. You’ve fallen for everything about him, his hair, his eyes, his cheekbones, his smile. The way he turns pink when you throw your arms around him, and you can feel his heart beat faster in his chest. The way he puts his arm protectively around you when you’re watching horror movies. The way he bites his lip when he’s concentrating. Everything he does. Everything.

            You’ve denied it for way too long. Now why the heck are you still standing here?

            I snapped back to focus from my revelation to see Jungkook still walking away from me. “Wait!” I called, dashing down the steps and closing the distance between us in seconds.

            What happened next wasn’t entirely my doing.

            He turned around slowly, a hopeful look spreading over his face, just as I crashed into him, wrapping my arms around him, but both of us forgot to turn our faces so as our bodies collided, our lips accidentally collided as well.

            And so five seconds followed, our eyes wide, our lips locked in a kiss that wasn’t meant to happen but still (I had to admit) felt kind of awesome.

            And then we jerked away simultaneously, both our faces turning a deep shade of pink. It took Jungkook significantly more time to regain his composure than me, and so I had to stand back and watch adorably embarrassed Jungkook recollect himself in front of me before I could say anything.

            “I like you too,” I said immediately once he finally managed to look me in the eye.

            He groaned and turned away again. “Jeez, give me a break, will you? First you kiss me, and then you confess back?”

            “Sorry,” I said with a faint chuckle, watching my words because I was afraid to hurt him again. “I just... you were walking away, and I felt kind of desperate, you know?”

            He turned back to face me, and I noticed with an overwhelming amount of relief that he was smiling. “Wow, you really do like me.”

            “Shut up,” I said, but I was grinning as well. “So... are you free this weekend?”

            His eyes grew wide. “Are you...?”

            “I’m asking you out, yeah,” I confirmed. “Now answer the question.”

            He scratched the back of his neck. “I have a vocal audition thing for a scholarship at the college I want to go to on Saturday, but Sunday’s fine.”

            College...

            Sunday...

            The thing was, I hadn’t exactly told him that I was going to move away right after the school year ended (because my parents thought that I would ‘need more time to get accustomed to the new surroundings’, and ‘the stress of starting college paired with a bad social life would increase suicide chances’, etc.). Obviously he knew that I was going to college, I just didn’t get the chance to tell him that not only was I moving away in about a week, I was moving halfway across the country. A bittersweet feeling swept over me, and I got the sudden urge to cry out of self-pity and guilt.

            “Jimin?” The sound of Jungkook’s voice snapped me back to reality. Him standing before me, the concerned look on his face, was a sight so suddenly beautiful I had to turn away before I really started crying.

           You stupid fool, Park Jimin. Why did you keep denying your feelings for him? Why wait until he confessed to confess yourself? When you tell him, he’s going to be heartbroken, and it’s all going to be your fault.

            All your fault.

            “Jimin?” Jungkook repeated, confusion and concern filling his voice. “Why are you crying?”

            “What?” I hastily wiped my tears away. “Oh, nothing, it’s fine. Probably just a reaction to the dust or something.” I tried to brush it off as casually as possible, but I could tell he didn’t believe me. “So, Sunday then? The whole day, or...?”

            He paused. “I’m free for the entire day on Sunday, yeah.” He smiled at me, his entire gorgeous face lighting up with happiness. “But there’s really no rush. We have the entire summer, after all.”

            .

            I was suddenly hit by an emotional force so strong and unlike anything I’d ever felt before that I immediately burst out into tears and flung myself onto him, wrapping my arms tightly around his frame and burying my wet face into his shoulder.

            He reeled back for a second. “J-Jimin?” Just like before, I could feel his heartbeat accelerate in his chest, doing nothing but increasing the guilt in my heart.

            “I’m so sorry,” I sobbed into his shirt. “I’m so sorry.”

            “Sorry about what? Jimin...” His voice had grown from curious to gentle, but somehow that only made me cry harder. “Jimin, tell me, please.”

            “I-I can’t spend the summer with you... I’m moving to my college apartment the Monday after school ends.”

            He paused for a moment, and for that second we were so quiet I could almost hear his heart breaking. “I...” He trailed off. I didn’t realize he was crying until I heard a restrained sniffle above my head.

            “Jungkook...” In one swift move, I pushed myself away from him to grab him by the shoulders, forcing myself to look him straight in his disappointment-filled eyes. “I’m so sorry,” I repeated for the third time. “Let’s make the most of what we have on Sunday, okay?”

            He shook his head, tears spilling out of his eyes. The sight nearly made me lose my shaky calm, but I grounded myself and kept talking. “Do your best at school, and just... pretend this is just another first date. Not...”

            “Not the last one, as well,” Jungkook finished when I trailed off, his voice thick with pain. “I... My mom’ll be wondering where I am. And Hoseok hyung’s probably still waiting for you. See you on Sunday, Jimin. I can’t wait.” It sounded like he was forcing out his last sentence.

            I nodded, sniffling, and managed a weak wave as he turned around, shoulders hunched, and dragged his feet away.

            “I love you,” someone whispered when Jungkook had put a significant distance between us. I looked around for the source of the voice, but when I saw my surroundings were empty of humans save for the ones that were too far away to be a possibility, I realized that it was me who’d said it.

It was sort of like finally admitting you’re tired, except on a much larger emotional scale, and the relief from the confession was almost overpowered by guilt and pain.

            “I love you,” I said again, just for good measure.

~

            “But I love you,” Jungkook whispered tearfully to himself as he walked away, feeling Jimin’s eyes on his back until he turned a corner and disappeared from Jimin’s sight.

~

BTS - Love is Not Over

T

            We lay under the stars together that night, on a picnic blanket the managers of the park had been passing out to people. Neither of us had spoken for the last ten minutes or so, but our proximity and his head buried safely against my neck dispelled any possible awkwardness. The stars above us, framed by the shadows of the trees surrounding the clearing, were beautiful, but I couldn’t fully appreciate them because my mind was too full of thoughts of tomorrow, of the day after, of the week and month and year after.

            I admitted to myself that we were probably going to lose touch after he left.

            “Jungkook?” Jimin asked beside me, snapping me out of my thoughts.

            “Mm?” I pulled him closer out of instinct. I had this weird thing tonight, like every time I pulled him closer it was like I was dragging the night out longer and longer so that morning would never arrive.

            “Jungkook, I need you to promise me one thing.” His voice was hesitant, and I immediately started dreading whatever it is he was going to say.

            “What?”

            “Tomorrow, don’t come to see me off.”

            “But-” I actually hadn’t thought about that. I guess I just liked to not think about what would happen after this day, after this night, but now I had it screaming in my face. “But... why?” was all I could say. I started tearing up again, and quickly swallowed down my tears.

            “Because if you do, both of us will never be able to let go of this.” Jimin said softly, his voice as quiet as the wind rustling through the trees around us.

            “I don’t want to let go,” I said honestly.

I suddenly realized that the hollow feeling I’d been ignoring the entire day was simply my heart falling apart.

            “But we have to talk about this sooner or later, right?” he said, shifting our positions so I could look at him straight in the eye. The way his hair fell across his forehead, the moonlight softly illuminating his features, was so eerie yet so beautiful that I almost looked away if I hadn’t seen the pain in his eyes.

            “I...” I was at a loss for words.

            “Jungkook,” he whispered softly, his voice shaking with emotion. “Jeon Jungkook....”

            “Jimin,” I replied, trying to keep my voice stable. “Park Jimin.”

            “Let’s go home,” he said quietly. “I’ll drive if you don’t want to.”

            But I don’t want this to be over, my broken heart screamed at me. But I clamped my mouth shut as we both sat up, my head spinning from lying down for so long. We carefully folded up the blanket and, quiet so as to not disturb the lucky couples around us who had more than just a painful car drive left in their relationship, walked out of the park.

~

            I couldn’t sleep that night. I kept considering actually going to the airport to see Jimin off, but then again he never told me which airport he was going to use, or if he was even going to go by plane at all.

            At midnight, I clambered out of my bedroom window and emerged on the small balcony-thing outside. Without thinking, the moon lighting up the night sky and my eyes fixated on the lone star I could see now that I was surrounded by city lights, I started singing.

            Love is not over...

~

            I spent the whole night packing and re-packing, just to get my mind off of Jungkook and his face, his hair, his body, his entire being. For some reason, I found myself singing quietly, my voice filling up the entire silent house.

            The next morning, it broke me when he wasn’t there to see me off at the airport, even though I should’ve been grateful he listened to my wish. My friends thankfully didn’t question about his absence. I remained dry-eyed and quiet while saying my goodbyes, and spent the entire plane ride listening to music in hopes of filling up the empty space all around and within me.

            When I got off at the airport and checked my phone for the time, I saw I had a text.

It was from Jungkook. With a pounding heart, I opened the message.

            There were no words, just an audio attachment. I opened the file hesitantly, and Jungkook’s soft, smooth voice filled my ears. It was the song he’d sung at the talent show. The mic hadn’t been working at that time, so I hadn’t gotten to hear the lyrics.

            But now that I could hear them clearly, I suddenly realized the song I’d been unconsciously singing while I packed this morning. Pressing ‘download’ on my phone to save the audio file, I put my earbuds back in and resumed walking, slowly humming to myself the same song I’d been singing this morning and the same song I was hearing now.

            Love is not over...