Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Mini Market, Incheon.

9:03 pm

    It’s been two weeks since you last talk, texted, or even seen Namjoon. After the incident that happened in the school library you had no courage to come face to face with the person who shattered your heart into a million little pieces without carrying. You are determined to ignore him completely. Thats why you’d leave your window closed at night, you’d skip lunch hour to go to the library and just hide from reality. You’d spend does two pain filled weeks walking around Incheon, visiting cafes, museums or book stores to let the time pass by before you’d reluctantly had to go home. 

    You could never bare being home right after school. Thats like giving yourself away as free piece of meet to a hungry pack of lions. Your two older sisters are vultures, they lurk around you, waiting for a perfect moment before they strike and attack you. They’d make it a hellish time for you. And having no one to take care or stand up for because your parents are to busy arguing or just plainly ignoring each other and you are mad at Namjoon only makes you be even more vulnerable. Now that Namjoon is not in the picture because your pride won’t let you go and look for him, your completely and utterly alone. You’ve never felt so lonely in your entire life before. 

    And thats a lot to say, since you’ve been basically alone from the moment you turned five. But this time it’s different. It’s like the loneliness is consuming you, dragging you into the deepest pits of depression. Making you feel useless and lifeless. You’ve never missed someone so much, like how you have been missing Namjoon this past few weeeks. Your like a zombi. Walking around without a purpose or mission. Or so you think. You have felt nothing, to the point that you’ve completely numb yourself. Making it impossible to feel even the slightest of emotions. Not even a single tingle of life burst inside you. Not a smile or from plays on your lips. Nor a giggle or a whine. Nothing. You don’t even have energy to glare at anyone at school anymore. To scare them away from you each time you feel the burning stares their giving you. Your eyes are completely emotionless. Unexpressive. And feeling like that scares you. It scares you a lot actually. Because it brings back memories you don’t want to remember. Memories you’ve tried so hard to repress. Moments that bring you back to the darkest time of your life. 

    The thought of feeling like your slowly falling back into that horrible state and environment sends a horrible shiver down your spine. One that makes your insides twist and curl into a knot deep inside your core. One that makes you tremble right in the spot, making all the color leave your face. 

    You’ve been feeling so lonely your whole life that actually having Namjoon around has made you weak and dependable. Something you’ve tried your hardest to let out of your life. ‘The weak don’t survive the war’. Thats what your father told you when you were eight. You were crying your heart out as you sat on the floor clutching to your blue dress. Because your sisters thought it would be hilarious to see your expression after they’d told you they sold your beloved bunny. The only thing that brought happiness to your life. And like the awesome father he was he scolded you for shedding tears and spending your precious time on a ‘none important, soulless object.’ Instead of using it to do something productive. He seriously thought it was better to reprimand you for crying over something replaceable instead of actually scolding your wicket sisters for selling something you loved so much. For you Juju wasn’t something that could be replaced. Thats why his harsh words stung you so much. You couldn’t understand at that point in time what he meant. You just thought he was cruel and insensible.

     You’ll never forget the look in your fathers eyes that day. The disappointment mixed with anger that swirled his irises that day hunts you every single second of your life. Reminding you to never be weak. To never get attached to something you know that is not gonna last or is gonna bring you pain. Yet you disobeyed and now your suffering. Because you let Namjoon penetrate your defensive wall. Now you’ve grown attached to him, to his pretense and to his mediocre care towards you. 

    Yet it’s more than what you’ve ever received in your life. Now you can’t even see yourself living without Namjoon in your life because your so needed for his attention. Growing without a loving family made you thirsty for sentiment towards you. And Namjoon saw that in you. He spotted your weakness and attacked it. He took full advantage, thats why he approached you. Now your helplessly attached to him. Because even though he is the motive of your pain and humiliation half of the time. You still receive the attention you so much seek. You can’t let go of him even if you know he really brings nothing much to your life but, secrets, betrayal, lies and pain. Because both of you know what your doing is wrong. 

    Now you finally understand the words your father told you nine years ago. Because getting attached to something does make you weak; and ‘the weak never survive the war’. Just like how you feel you can’t survive another day without Namjoon. 

    That leads you to where you currently are located. Inside a big convenient store, in the frozen goods aisle, standing in front of the cold dessert section. Pondering on which Ben and Jerry flavored ice cream to take with you. The strawberry Cheesecake, Cinnamon Buns or Chocolate fudge brownies. It’s a tough choice to make, but at least it’s helping you get your mind of Namjoon. You know you need to get him out of your mind. Thats why you resorted to the best medicine. Ice cream and a visit to your favorite Cafe and Book Store. You’re determined to make him shake in his boots a little bit. Make him fear losing you. Even thought your sure, things will spiral back to how they were before the incident. Because that'd how your relationship is. You love, fight, scream, and ignore each other before one of you goes to the other, says sorry and the cycle repeats it’s self all over again. 

    Thinking to yourself that the decision is to hard and you can’t focus properly you decide to throw all three of them inside your shopping basket. You walked around, picking up a few more things before heading towards the counter to pay for everything. You wait in line patiently, looking around before a deep voice rings through the air, snapping you out of your daze. 

“Next” 

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