“How are you today Hyo ?” it was a question Yukwon asked often, sometimes it was his first sentence instead of saying Good morning or ‘Hello.  “Fine.” and this was his usual answer as the day would begin for everyone with a breakfast or not.

 

Jae Hyo didn’t understand when someone asked him if he was fine, he couldn’t understand because he didn’t know what to answer other than fine. Even when he was feeling bad or whatever he would feel, he would always give the same answer. Fine. He can answer something else, what could he answer other than fine to not make people worry ? Nothing else than fine. He didn’t know what people were expecting other than ‘good’.

 

Being fine was the answer.

 

•

 

He couldn’t hide anything from Yukwon, because Yukwon knew his heart. Yukwon didn’t have to try to understand Jae Hyo, because Jae Hyo’s mind and heart were a book that only him could read. Yukwon is special. But sometime it was upsetting Jae Hyo without noticing. “Why are you angry ? ” He would ask when he was feeling the visual getting grumpier and he would sigh every single time when the answer came. “ I’m not.” the visual would reply coldly.

 

Things like this happened often. Sometime he wished that Yukwon could stop guessing how he was feeling. Or that his face would stop reveals his mood. He wished he could stop being so expressive. He wished Yukwon could stop knowing how he felt when himself didn’t.

 

•

 

“Why don’t you go away !” he shouted. He didn’t know why he shouted, he didn’t know why he was so angry. Jae Hyo’s whole body trembled, blood pulsing, glowering at Yukwon, his heart was beating loudly inside of his chest as if it was a clock, second by second the face of the younger darkened.  “ Is that so.. ” Why are you angry ? I should be the one being mad not you.

 

Only with a few words Jae Hyo never felt this regretful, why did he had to shout and loose his temper. Maybe it was because Yukwon called him a kid.. He didn’t like it, he didn’t wanted to be considered like a kid. Because it meant that Yukwon considered him like a child and he was here only to take care of a children. Arguing about that. He never imagined to have an argument about a subject this random.

 

He didn’t know if he wanted to throw up or cry.

 

I trusted you, and still in your eyes I was only a kid.

 

He was sad, angry and also frustrated. Being angry caused him a lack of judgement, a sense of inbred hate, and overall frustration. When Yukwon turned his back to go out of his room Jae Hyo felt something spill inside of him as if he had broken something he shouldn’t have. He was so angry, so mad but it didn’t stop his tears. Why was he crying ? Was it the frustration or something like that ? Because he wasn’t strong enough to tame his feeling ? He doesn’t know things like this. He knows when he is happy or sad. When it hurts, when he’s safe. He was always hurt and sad after being angry. Because for him being angry is being sad.

 

It was childish indeed.

 

• 

 

Yukwon doesn’t have time for him, even now. In fact he never had. Between Bastarz’s activities and his girlfriend, there’s no place for Jae Hyo.

 

He can’t help but feel lonely. He used to be ignored and being alone. He never expected attention from someone, but he gave him more. Warm, attention, presence, friendship and more. They were close. But Yukwon can’t left and take away what he had given to the boy. It was unfair, he didn’t have the right to do that, because he never asked for these, Yukwon gave them ! 

 

He hates it, when Yukwon turns his back to meet her, why does he have to go ? He doesn’t understand. When it happens, his pitiful self keep surfacing. Because he craves for what the boy had given him in the past. It feels like he was destined to be alone.

 

Go away.

 

This is his excuse for letting him go, his excuse to refrain himself from shouting to beg him to not leave him. “Please don’t go”  he want to say each time it happened“ Please don’t go, I lied..” Because he wanted Yukwon to stay, he needed him. But he couldn’t say something like this. He had not right to.

 

 

•

 

 

Being the eternal coward he is.

 

Jae Hyo does what he want, he only listen to his brain and not his heart, which is pretty good but not wiser. He pretends to be happy when he knows that later he’ll be hurt. He try to ignore the conflict in his heart. He brush aside his feeling and look past what his heart desire. Wanting someone you can’t have. He knows it too well how it will end, he’ll be the only one hurt in the end. Again. Jae Hyo learned to love Yukwon, little by little. Opening his heart to someone he shouldn’t. Love is blind and he is so blind when it cames to his feeling. He doesn’t know himself. Not as well as he thought.

 

Yukwon loves someone and that person isn’t Jae Hyo. 

 

 Has God forsaken him ? He feels pitiful, again and again. This is the same feeling when he loved Taeil, but why is it more painful ? It just hurts even more. He’s doing the same error.

 

He craves for love, for Yukwon’s love, he want to know the feeling of being loved back, so badly, he want to feel for once love, just for once, how is it to be loved back. 

 

But this time he won’t cradle himself in illusions, he’s being realistic. What’s the point of loving a person who  already have someone. It’s just stupid and pointless. As if he would love him back magically. He’s a grown up man, he can’t afford himself to want the impossible.

 

He’s in love with Kim Yukwon and this is a fact that can’t be denied.

 

But his heart is already too shattered, he’s already too broken. He was healing slowly, he was almost healed. He can’t take the risk of being broken again. He doesn’t want to be hurt by the only person who was healing his broken heart in the first place.        Because it was just too cruel.

 

His damaged heart, his poor heart, no one can see the scars, no one can understand all the pain he endured, feeling this low, it was something that they couldn’t understand, Block B could not, not even his family. He kept it all deep inside him, frustration, disappointment, disillusion, his sadness, his pain, his sorrow. His own sorrow, he kept it to himself.

 

That day when he cried in the embrace of Yukwon, it was nothing. If he allowed himself, he would cry every single day. He couldn’t allow himself.

He was a man, and men doesn’t cry. But he was so sad, the mask he wore, the mask of the happy man, this is not him. He’s not happy, he is hurt, this is his own pain so he kept it to himself, the world does not need to hear the sadness of a lonely man.

 

Men weren’t supposed to cry and they weren’t supposed to love men, but women. Because he never saw two men together in public, because he never saw a man cry, because his parents told him to be a brave man who could protect his wife. This is why.

 

He realized that everything now made sense.

 

Men doesn’t cry and men love women.

 

This is why nothing would work properly for him, he wasn’t supposed to feel attracted to men and he shouldn’t cry. He was the one in fault, he was in the wrong. He can’t love men so he can’t love Yukwon.

 

 

He knows it useless to repeat those things in his head, but because he knows, he can’t stop. Because he knows that he’s just trying to find a solution. To a problem which probably doesn’t make any sense to him anymore, even if that’s solution isn’t the good one he just want to escape the whole thing, again he want to run away from his own conflict. From the beginning, it always was like this, running away from the things he didn’t liked.

 

Yes, Jae Hyo is a coward.

 

Jae Hyo is afraid of his own feelings. He hide, he bury them and lie to himself, saying to himself like a mantra that they don’t exist, that they are fruits of his imagination when they aren’t. He deny the obvious.

 

 

He wants things to get well, he wish it was easier for him. He wish things to be easier like : I love you, you love me let’s get together. But it’s not.

 

Jae Hyo is not being unrealistic. The things that are inside of him he just want let them out, explode and cry out loud all the things that worry and upset, he want to shout at the world that he loves Yukwon, that he’s madly in love and that it’s frustrating because he loves Yukwon, but Yukwon doesn’t love him. Yukwon already have someone and Jae Hyo can’t replace this person. But who would hear him shouting, no one right ?

 

 

He sighs and ruffles his hear in frustration, he can’t sleep this night too. How many sleepless night he had spend already ? Too much, he stopped counting them. Nothing made sense now, he felt like his head is about to explode. He really wants to put a stop at this madness of him.

 

 

He’ll never be good enough for someone like Yukwon. Because this person is a girl and he isn’t. Because this person is his girlfriend and he’s just a friend, a band mate and maybe even less. He can not compete with a woman.

 

Yukwon is too good for him. With his fair skin, his Cheshire cat grins, his reddish lips and well all the rest, he should stop thinking about Yukwon and how perfect he can be.

And again he thinks of the boy he loves, hurting himself innocently because all he want from Yukwon is a smile. The warm smile he once gave him, he want to see it again. The smile that gave him so much warm and hope in the past. Just once, he wants Yukwon to smile at him like that and if Yukwon is willing to then everything would be okay.

 

If Yukwon smiles at him like this then he’ll be over him.

 

 

Yukwon doesn’t have time for him and never will. Between Bastarz’s activities and his girlfriend, there’s no place anymore for Jae Hyo. Because Jae Hyo is just Jae Hyo and it will never change, he tries to not expect things from Yukwon.

 

He can’t help but feel lonely. He used to be alone. He never expected attention from someone, but Yukwon gave him so many things. Warm, attention, friendship and more. But now the younger doesn’t have any time left for him. And it’s unfair. Yukwon can’t leave and take what he had given to the boy away from him. It’s unfair, he doesn’t have the right to do that, because he never asked for those, he gave them !

 

“I let you go because someone needs you.” More than I do he wants to add but he retain himself to say that.

 

This I his excuse for letting him go, his excuse to refrain himself from shouting to beg him to not leave him. “Please don’t go” he want to say “ Please don’t go, I lied..” Because he wants him to stay and he needs him so much. But he can’t. He has not right to. He hate it, when Yukwon turns his back to meet her, why does he have to go ? He doesn’t understand. When it happens, his pitiful self keep surfacing. It feel like he was destined to be alone.

 

“I let you go because someone need you more than I do.” He reminds himself.

 

When Yukwon turns his back to meet her, he hates it.

 

“I lied, please stay because I need you so much more than she does.” The words he wants to say so badly he can’t, they are stuck in his throat. He can’t say them. He can’t. There’s always a part of him which breaks when he says those words to himself. So he just look at the back of the younger disappearing behind the door. He watched this scene so many times and still the tears keep pooling in his eyes.

 

Don’t go.. Please, I lied.. Come back..          

 

I need you so much..  

 

This night when there was no one to hear him he cried, his cry echoed through the walls of the dorm, no one was here to hear the heartbreaking cry of Jae Hyo.

 

 

It was too much for his heart to handle. He covered his eyes, tears were shamefully pouring down his face. Maybe it was his punishment for being in love with someone already taken. It’s so cruel, too cruel. But he can’t do much. He’s too broken.

 

 

Nothing changed he was still the same. As empty and hurt as before. Why did he cried, there was no use in crying, men weren’t supposed to cry. He’s stupid.

 

He looked around him, and nothing seemed to make any sense to him so he closed his eyes, he needed to make things clear, if he keeps on being like this he’ll never be able to move on, he had to change everything now when he can still do, before it’s too late.

 

What do I want. What do you want Ahn Jae Hyo.

 

He was tired of being hurt, to have tears pooling in his eyes to the simple thought of the dancer, tired to not being able to sleep in peace like before, to have his mind infested with useless thought. He needed to rest.

 

Craving for something he couldn’t have is just so silly, waiting is out of the question he doesn’t have time to spare anymore, he’s not a kid anymore. All the things he wanted were out of his reach, he needs to be realistic now. He couldn’t continue play around, he’s an adult now. Reality is harsh and always was.

 

Jae Hyo was too broken, he had so many bruises that no one could see. He hate pain. It’s stupid. He was running out of time.

 

Everything he was doing was wrong. But he had to take a decision, it was now or never. And he did. Yukwon was out of his league. And it ruined him. The evidence of the answer had already plagued his mind a long time ago. Heaven knows he tried to find another alternative.

 

 

He decided put an end at this. And there was no turning back.

 

If you doesn’t like something, just avoid it. It was his motto. And this is what he will do.

 

 

 

 

 

 

He will give up on Yukwon.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

End.

 

 

---

 

Thanks to everyone who had read this story so far, it's now the end of this story of mine "Silly" .

I enjoyed writing this story, and i'm still sorry for the error in my grammar and spelling,

I tried to correct them as much as I could.. And I'm still correcting !

 

Thank you for reading and leave a comment if you liked, of course any critics are allowed they will help me to improve !

 

XOXO, have a nice day ! :)