He was hopelessly in love with someone who’ll never loves him back. This was the first of his disillusion. The time he lost to love and the time he took for realizing it, never it will be giving him back. 

 

Love was something he never expected, his first impression of the boy was something rather simple. Taeil was really small and he was tall. But how come that someone this little could make it to the industrie ? This was indeed a good question. But Taeil had the voice that Jae Hyo wanted, he was naturally gifted. Jae Hyo was envious. And this is how his obsession with the little boy began. Observing him singing, dancing, eating, talking.. He didn't notice himself being attracted to the boy. He really was intrigued by him.

 

"Hyung, stop staring at Taeil-Hyung." said Jihoon while Jae Hyo was resting after his training. He only realized what he was doing when the younger told him, he looked at Jihoon surprised. "I was ?" and the younger nodded. "Yes."

 It's just curiosity he tells himself every time he caught himself looking at the elder. Yeah, just curiosity.

 

Jae Hyo was fascinated, Taeil was the complete opposite of him, he was tall, with a high self-confidence, outgoing with an average voice, Taeil was short, he lacked in self-confidence, shy,  but he had an incredible and powerful voice. Seeing the cute boy working so hard to memorize the step of their choreography or singing like he was dying and his hang-up about his height or his face was truly mesmerizing. Taeil had a bright future, then what about him ? How about him ? He still wondered.

 Maybe it was the reason why he was feeling attracted by the elder. He had something he missed. Jae Hyo had the face, Taeil had the voice. He had the visual, Taeil had the soul.

 

Jae Hyo didn’t really know how or when he fell in love, if you ask him, he would tell you at the first sight because he is a lost cause, but if you really asked, he wouldn't know because he still hadn't realized. But the truth is that he fell in love very slowly, spending every day watching him and spending time with his Hyung. This is how. It was really simple. 

He didn’t even realized it, to figure it, it took him one year or two, he's not really sure.  It was really random, at an hour in the afternoon, between laugh and talk. The fact of him being gay wasn’t shocking to him, he was just happy, happy to be in love with someone so incredible.

 

Jae Hyo did a lot of thing in order to impress the lead vocal. He trained and improved a lot, both in dance and singing. It was for the boy and for him as well, but for him he did it for Taeil. He acted like a fool in front of him just to make the dark haired man laugh. Sassy or like a child, just to have a little bit of his attention.  He worked really hard to see his love bloom. He was blind.

'Taeil, Taeil Taeil" It was all he had in his head.

 

Blinded by love he took four years to realize his love was unrequited.

 

How long has it been since he fell in love with Taeil ? Jae Hyo didn’t see the time pass, too busy trying to get his attention, too busy to run after something he can’t reach, to chase for someone who never spared a look to him. He didn’t see four years goes by.

 

The time seemed to not work well, he didn’t realize it’d been four years. He didn’t realize it was that long and that Taeil became the center of his world. Everything was spinning around him. Morning thinking of Taeil, lunchtime Taeil, afternoon still Taeil, night Taeil, bedtime, Taeil, again and again.

He was madly in love with Taeil.

 He did his best to hide his feeling and control himself to not kiss or hug the lead vocal. But the other members of Block B weren’t idiot, they already knew. Jae Hyo was practically shouting “I love you” to the face of the singer. Only the Maknae and Taeil didn’t knew, they were thinking that Jae Hyo was naturally like this. But the act of the visual was really gross. Taeil and Jihoon were just dumb. Or maybe blind. Or just both.

 

 

This year he became a twenty-four years-old man. And it’s only after four years he realize that he’s tired. Tired to chase after Taeil, it’s tiring, it’s tiring to try to gain his attention by doing stupid thing, like doing some lame joke, trying to help the elder or doing aegyos. Being happy just for a look and have the butterflies in his tummy getting excited and being down just because he didn’t have attention. He was like a puppy. Little and pitiful puppy.

 But he couldn’t even bring himself to give up. All of his efforts would be pointless. They were but Jae Hyo, blinded by love, convinced himself that they weren't and that maybe. Maybe one day, all of his efforts would be rewarded.

 

He didn’t even know if his crush was gay. What an idiot, he didn't know something simple like this. 

 

•

  

Sitting in front of the television, everyone was laughing loudly, with a can of beer in the hand, they were drinking a lot, the mood was festive. They waited patiently for the next year. Park Kyung was already mild drunk, he was being clingy to Jae Hyo and MinHyuk but they didn’t mind as they were laughing happily it was funny to see the rapper so affectionate and this clingy. Jiho and Yukwon were tranquilly chatting, Taeil was scolding Jihoon for being drunk when Jihoon was asleep and Taeil was a bit tipsy as well.

Jae Hyo was looking at the elder with the corner of his eyes, MinHyuk was rambling about everything and nothing at the same time, alone. It was New Year's eve and nothing was happiest than the countdown. Everyone was waiting for the countdown. 

It was something symbolical for some people, some people liked to think that the new year would be a turn in their life. And it was something stupid because it was never too early or too late for change, because it was new year, thing had to change ? No it was stupid, you can change whenever you want there is no date to determine such thing. But Jae Hyo was part of this people who had the fantasy of thinking that new year would bring changement.

All of them were in front of the television on a random channel because every channel were doing the countdown for the New year. As they were waiting for the countdown, the leader managed to wake up Jihoon, and with a can of beer of a glass of water they were staring at the screen.

 

“TEN !!”  They shouted in sync. 

“ NINE !!” They looked each others in the eyes with a glint of sparkles in their eyes as they were laughing for doing something this childish.

“ EIGHT !!” 

“ SEVEN !!” They all made a wish.

“ SIX !!” Jae Hyo wished to end his platonic love.

“ FIVE !!” He wanted to confess his feeling to Taeil, so he turned to face the elder.

“ FOUR !!” The said one wasn’t looking at his direction.

“ THREE !!” Taeil turned his heels and tiptoed.

“ TWO !!” Taeil’s pair of lips met another pair of lips.

“ ONE !!” His heart was pounding too hard, and the second seemed to become a minute.

 "ZERO!!" Everyone said while laughing.

His heart broke when fireworks exploded in the midnight sky, signaling that the new year just began.

 

•

 

The smile he had broke down.

 

The pain in his chest stabbed his heart. It hurts like hell, all he ever wanted was destroying here right now in front of his eyes. What was that ?

He did so much for him, didn’t he see all Jae Hyo did through years ? Maybe it was all in Jae Hyo's head, maybe he was imagining it from the beginning, maybe it wasn't real.  

Working out, losing weight, styling himself, cloth and hair, skincare routine so that he'll be perfect in every way, being careful when he was out during daytime when the sun was high so that his skin would be white enough to be admired by the singer. He also had improved his social skills so that he could communicate more easily with the shy boy. He was careful with the boy, never using the wrong words that could shut away the boy. Little things like this that went unnoticed by Taeil.

Things that he had done that weren't enough. It wasn’t enough.

 

He was loosing it, he could feel it. Not only his heart broke. But his mind too. It was too much, everything was too much, everything lost its meaning and nothing had sense anymore.

 His chest tightened. His breath hitched, since when breathing became so hard ? He realized, through years, all he ever wanted was out of his reach. He cradled himself in illusion. All of it were delusions. Lies created by himself, lies he accepted to believe to because it was all he ever wanted.

 He was so stupid, how could he believe that Taeil would love him back for one second.

 

When the firework stopped, when everything was beginning to go back to normal. He tried his best to hold back the tears that were pooling his eyes. It was hard and so was the reality. He couldn’t go back to normal, because being normal was chasing after Taeil and loving him with all his heart and body, he was accustomed to do that for four long years.

 

Jae Hyo didn’t have the strength anymore to keep going. To run after a goal unreachable, to believe a bunch of lies created by himself and his deprived mind.

 

All he wanted to do now was crying. But ! He was a man and he couldn’t do that. He just couldn't. So he buried inside him, everything. All his feeling, all of this, deep inside him, where no one would had an access. 

 

The night of the new year, all he did was sitting in the living room and drink. A lot. But he never cried. He sat there,  fists clenched,  and jaw tight with a bitter taste in his mouth. This night his gaze wandered everywhere in the living room but Taeil.  Jae Hyo threw his head back and laughed as he was driking. He wanted to cry, tell the world that he was going crazy because he loved Taeil and it was wrong, because he loved someone and it hurts like hell.

His mind was telling him to stop and his heart couldn’t stop beating so fast when memories of the hard working boy flooded his brain.

 

This pain will go away quickly, Jae Hyo promised himself. He would get tired of Taeil, Taeil and I are just friends. He is just a crush. This love will soon go away. The last thought hurt Jae Hyo’s chest for some reason.

 

He just got the worst rejection of his life, where no words were spoken. The suffering thing was so new to him.  Why the world couldn’t be as miserable as he was.  I’ll be over him one day. Just not today.

 

He never saw it coming. Not the kiss. Not Minhyuk. Minhyuk was so lucky. He wished he was the dancer, he wished he was the one being kissed. He was sure that Taeil didn’t joke around when he kissed Minhyuk, even if he was drunk, Jae Hyo was persuaded that the elder loved the dancer. If not, if he was just joking around.. If he was just joking about that kiss.. He tried to imagine the “If” but couldn’t. Even though no feeling were involved it stills hurt.

 Deep inside, Jae Hyo knew he just tried to find an excuse. An excuse for himself, an excuse to let himself loving once again the brunet.

 

Minhyuk tried to talk with Jae Hyo, asking him if he was okay, because of the kiss, he tried to reassure the visual by asking him if he was okay to say that he held no feeling toward the elder. But the visual just brushed off the attempt of the dancer.

 “I’m okay, don’t worry.” With that one sentence, Minhyuk didn’t ask more. He knew it as well, that Jae Hyo wasn’t okay.

 

He couldn’t keep lying to himself like that. Because in the end, lies always hurt. He was being delusional, he was lying about his love, he was a liar. Liar are cowards. He was a coward. He feared to not being loved. He knew he wouldn’t die if he wasn’t loved, but he was afraid. It was such an unpleasant feeling. Pain has limits, but fear knows no limit.

All people are cowards. Even more so when they have something to protect. 

He had his heart to protect. Too bad, his heart broke.

 

•

 

After the countdown and the kiss, they all returned to their occupations, some of them wanted to drink more, and they did. It was the new year, and they wanted to celebrate it with alcohol, a decision that they will regret the morning when they’ll wake up. Jae Hyo was sitting in the sofa, not moving, too comfortable with Kyung spread all over the sofa leaving a little space to the brunet, he was almost sleeping but Jae Hyo didn’t care. Yukwon was watching television with a can of beer in the hand and Jihoon was sleeping on the floor not caring where he was sleeping. Minhyuk and Jiho were trying to stop the elder to drink too much. 

 

“ I don’t think you should drink more Hyung, Jae Hyo will be worried.” Began Minhyuk who was still feeling guilty.

“ I don’t care of Jae Hyo, why are you bothering me with him now ? Let me drink.” Sneered Taeil who tried to grab the bottle of Soju.

“ Taeil-Hyung you’re drunk ! You shouldn’t say that.” Scolded Jiho, worried that the visual will actually hear the comment of his beloved. He actually did but he felt like Taeil was right, maybe he was an hindrance. 

 

•  

 

A few months passed since the incident and the aura around Jae Hyo became gloomy, the happy person he was before gradually disappeared.  Insomnia also came and enwrapped him in his hard and cold arms. Finding sleep was nearly impossible for him without the help of some sleeping pills. The image of Taeil and Minhyuk kissing haunted him, at every moment he closed his eyes he was living the scene again. He was disgusted, horrified. He couldn’t bear the fact that the most important person in Taeil’s life wasn’t him. It was selfish of him to wish for something like this. When the thought was filling his mind, his self-esteem was becoming lower and lower. He didn’t cry, he never cried. The salty tear he was waiting for never came. Maybe he didn’t really love Taeil. Maybe, it would be great if it was the case. But there was a hole in his heart. He was really affected by the word and action of Taeil. He never blamed Minhyuk for the kiss, in majority he accepted the fact that Taeil will never loves him.

 

 I don’t have the right to want Taeil.

  

Even when the elder said he didn’t cared of him, he still wanted him. He still loved Taeil.

The way Taeil smiled so lovingly to everyone but him broke his heart. A part of him wanted so badly be the one who the smile was directed. And another part of himself wanted to forget everything.

 

Love ? Yeah right. It’s the kind of thing only fools would believe in. Stop being so pathetic and so naïve. He sighed bitterly, the room was filled with a bitter and broken laugh, the laugh cracked through the silence. He wished he was stronger, if he was stronger he wouldn’t have to feel lonely or desperate for love. He was too weak.

He was happy. The time when his love was unrequited and still unknown was the happiest. He wished to go back to that time. To that time, when he didn’t knew Taeil.

The time when they were still strangers. 

 

He asked himself a million times the same question : Why do you love this person ?

He never found the answer. He didn’t know or he forgot why.

 

Taeil was the only name he knew for years. All he was thinking was about him, his mind was flooded by the souvenir of the boy smiling and all of that were turning fast to hell when the words of the elder comes in his mind.

 

“I don’t care of Jae Hyo I don’t care of Jae Hyo I don’t care of Jae Hyo I don’t care of Jae Hyo I don’t care of Jae Hyo I don’t care of Jae Hyo I don’t care of Jae Hyo I don’t care of Jae Hyo I don’t care of Jae Hyo I don’t care of Jae Hyo I don’t care of Jae Hyo I don’t care of Jae Hyo I don’t care of Jae Hyo I don’t care of Jae Hyo I don’t care of Jae Hyo I don’t care of Jae Hyo  I don’t care of Jae Hyo I don’t care of Jae Hyo I don’t care of Jae Hyo I don’t care of Jae Hyo I don’t care of Jae Hyo I don’t care of Jae Hyo I don’t care of Jae Hyo I don’t care of Jae Hyo I don’t care of Jae Hyo I don’t care of Jae Hyo I don’t care of Jae Hyo I don’t care of Jae Hyo I don’t care of Jae Hyo I don’t care of Jae Hyo I don’t care of Jae Hyo I don’t care of Jae Hyo I don’t care of Jae Hyo I don’t care of Jae Hyo I don’t care of Jae Hyo I don’t care of Jae Hyo I don’t care of Jae Hyo I don’t care of Jae Hyo I don’t care of Jae Hyo I don’t care of Jae Hyo I don’t care of Jae Hyo I don’t care of Jae Hyo I don’t care of Jae Hyo I don’t care of Jae Hyo I don’t care of Jae Hyo”

 

He doesn’t care of me, I’m nothing to him. I am nothing.

 

He was tired, the same sentence was turning in his head, he wasn’t able to sleep with that though running in his head. When he couldn’t endure it anymore and was falling to slumber he dreamed, the scene of the kiss was playing again, or Taeil smiling happily over something trivial, him being moody and all.. It was always him. Was it not enough to be himself ? To be nothing but himself ?

 The good times he had back with the elder, soon turned to nightmare. He was stuck. And he was helpless.

 

The idea of sleeping scared him, so he began to keep himself awake, and when it was not enough he would drink coffee, caffeine would help him to not fall asleep and nightmares were replaced with huge eyes bags. He used a more and more make up to conceal them, but sometime he forgot and everyone could see what he didn't want to show : a weak side.

Obsessed by the idea that he wasn’t worthy enough to be in the group he couldn't sleep, love had drove him crazy, love pushed him to the edge. Loosing himself. He was breaking. His heart was so damaged.

 Even if he was hurt, he didn’t shed any tear. He needed to stay strong. But how long will this continue ? Even if time was passing, the pain remained.

 

It was still here, in his heart who had so many bruises.

 

He only laughed alone, he mocked himself, his pitiful self.

 

He couldn’t breath, he was suffocating.

 

He didn’t even had the strength to shout for help.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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