“ Do you know what is the meaning of the dead leaves Jae Hyo ? ” demanded the lady while she holds the little hand of Jae Hyo.

“ Will you tell me if I say that I don’t know ? ” asked the little boy with curiosity.

 “ I will Jae Hyo, do you want to know ? ” she said with a little smile, was it really a smile ? Jae Hyo wasn’t sure, she didn’t seem really happy.

 

“Of course I want  !”

 

The young lady observed for a long time the bubbly little boy, for a long time Jae Hyo smiled, the little sparkle in his eyes never seemed to die. She sighed.

 

“Are you mad ? Is this why you won’t tell me ?“ stressed little Jae Hyo a bit worried as the seconds ran.

 

 Seeing the innocent boy worried about her being mad make her hesitated but she decided to tell him. The lady bend down to murmur the meaning in the ear of little Jae Hyo, he listened very carefully, listening to each word she pronounced, the light in his eyes seemed to fade away as she was telling him and his smile gradually disappeared.  And he cried while the lady was holding him in her arms.

 

“ I know Jae Hyo, I know.. “

 

 •

 

These days he did often the same dream, he was very young in his dream he was around six maybe. The lady who was holding his hand, he can’t remember exactly who she was, he wasn’t sure if it was an old memory or just a dream, he wasn’t even sure he knows the lady. But the dream remained so realistic. This dream was so strange. He wondered why he cried in this dream, what the lady said for making him cry. In his dream he just sees the lady’s red lips moving and her hugging him like he was going to break. Don’t cry, she said.

 

Everything goes black, and a new dream is starting he sees the memory where Taeil smiles when they first meet. It was a beautiful memory indeed. 

 

Everything in the dream was beautiful. Yet so heartbreaking.

 

He just wakes up with a heavy feeling inside his chest. It’s not weird, but he still isn’t accustomed at the feeling. When he wakes up he had the slight envy to cry but he doesn’t. He doesn’t cry. In fact he never cried. When he opens his eyes, the image of Taeil smiling is still lingering on his mind.

 

He always sees Taeil in his dream, and it broke his heart even more. He wish he could stop dreaming, because he’s fed up. Having this kind of dream is tiring. Was it really a dream ? Wasn’t it a nightmare ? He doesn’t know how to feel about this when he wakes up.

 

He just lay here, on his bed staring at the ceiling. He’s tired. The clock shows seven am.  Today was Sunday.

 

 

 

Generally Yukwon would spend his week end with his girlfriend if there was no schedule programmed and come back in the Sunday afternoon.  He tried to spend most of his time with her, everyone could see how truly he loved her. It was touching, they would always tell him to go first because his girlfriend was waiting for him. Even if he tried to be with her, the two didn’t have a lot of time. Their schedules were always full, if he could, Jae Hyo would have traded his schedule with the couple in order to let them have more time to be together. He wish he could give his free time to them. His free time would be so more useful with them. He’s the visual and accessory the sub-vocalist. He doesn’t do anything and have a lot of free time.

 

The king of free time.

 

 So today there was no Yukwon. He wondered what his friend was doing as he sighed.

 

  •

 

“ I wonder when Yukwon will come home. “ spoke Kyung.

“ Maybe very late. “ muttered the two in sync as they sighed. When will the dancer will come ? To their dorm.

“ Is the dormitory is our home ? ” asked suddenly Jae Hyo.

“ Sorta. “ lazily answered the rapper when he yawned.

 

 Is the dormitory is their home ? He guess that the dormitory is not their home. If it was, Yukwon would bring his girlfriend and members would spend more time at the dorms.

 The dormitory is not a home. So they’re not a family.  This is what concluded Jae Hyo. So what is the dormitory ? Where is their home ? Where is his home ? What is family when he always considered Block B as his ? He really doesn’t know. What about his family ? This is how he noticed how things were ed up. They’re not really a family like what thought Jae Hyo in the past, he’s a bit sad, he really liked the idea of being a family. He sighed. Sunday is boring.

 

 

Oh, I forgot to mention that Kyung was there during all of Jae Hyo’s thought. Kyung sometimes slept with Jae Hyo, he even mentioned it in a interview.

 

“I sleep in the or in my underwear and Park Kyung will climb up to my bunk and try to sleep next to me.“

 

Now that he possessed a single bed, he wore more often underwear and a tee-shirt because Kyung’s bad habit died hard and he continued to slip in his bed during night. He doesn’t really care so he just let it slide. Park Kyung would often cling to him when he sleep, using his chest as a pillow, he also hugged the visual like he was doing with his plush and Jae Hyo would just stay still unmoving, sleeping like a statue.

 

“ Hey it’s weird, stop doing that you two because like that you don’t look like brother. “ said Minhyuk who was leaning against the door frame like he naturally remained here with an apple in his left hand. Jae Hyo and Kyung observed the uninvited guest, Minhyuk. Why was he here, so early in the morning ?

 

“ What the are you doing here ? “ howled Kyung while his head was still on Jae Hyo’s chest.

“ Eating my breakfast. “ spoke the intruder as he took a bit of his apple.

“ Get out ! “

“ What if I don’t ? “ dared to say Minhyuk.

“ You’ll die. “ menaced Kyung.

“ Come at me, Kyung, I’m not afraid of you. “

“ Me either.” Shot back Kyung.

 “ It’s like eight in the morning and you two want already want to die. “  rejoined Jae Hyo.

“ What ? “ and the two stopped to quarrel, giving fully their attention to the brunet.

“ You two really want to die huh ? “ yawned the visual, and the two didn’t answer because they took time to proceed at what did say Jae Hyo.

“ Oh. “ was the signal of Kyung to say that he understood what Jae Hyo meant.

“ That’s true, Hyung would kill us. “ pointed out Minhyuk who was still eating his apple.

“ Anyway, I didn’t make my death wish yet, so Kyung get the off of me, I need to make myself more beautiful and dazzling for you. “  He just wanted to do his daily routine, pee, take a shower and maybe eat something.

“ I don’t want, I’m so comfortable here, on your chest, right now. “ retorted the rapper.

“ Do you want me to pee on you ? “

“ Eew, gross. “

“ Thank you honey. “

“ Go ahead beauty. “ Grinned and winked Kyung while he get off of the beauty go.

“ Are you sure you two aren’t lover or something like that ? “asked Minhyuk, dumbfounded, he wanted to make sure to not misinterpret the whole thing.

“ He’s like the baby brother I’ve never had, and what the are you still doing here anyway ? “

“ Watching two s. “

“ Stop being a jerk, go search a cute and get a life, I’m not a baby and even less an . “grunted Kyung.

“ So breakfast ? “  proposed the dancer.

“ Coffee for me. “ and Jae Hyo was out of his own room.

“ Let’s go, breakfast won’t do itself. “ beamed Kyung as he got up.

 

 

After finishing his daily routine, Jae Hyo went to the kitchen, a steaming cup of coffee was waiting for him and Kyung and Minhyuk were bickering or flirting, Jae Hyo couldn’t differentiate the action, Jiho and Jihoon would join them at ten, and Taeil at eleven. Sunday’s morning were always the same.

 

Being with Taeil was still suffocating but it wasn’t as bad as before. Time pass and life goes on. He can’t be stuck in the past. The kiss of the New Year made him realize a lot of thing, the thing he dreamed will never come true, Taeil looking at him in this way either, his heart still aches from time to time. But now the pain is bearable. Because reality stabbed him hard, he can’t go through without being unscathed, it will leave a scar.

The wound who was bleeding had stopped to. It was still freshly open but it was healing anyway.

 

He’s happy without me, but it’s alright as long as he continue to smile I will not care, it will maybe cause a little pain from time to time but it will be alright. I had to. I’ll smile, I’ll tell the world that I’m happy, because I am.

 So my heart, stop hurting, you’re disturbing my act.

 

So today he smiled, and the world understood that today was better than yesterday, that today he was fully healed. Because today, his performance was perfect, his act was flawless. No one will know the truth, that he’s not fully healed, and that he wasn’t okay. Because his act now is perfect.

 

Such a sad actor. A poor actor. Awful. Lying to himself like this..

 

  • 

 

On Sunday they usually watch films, sleep and eat. In the afternoon they watched a films with popcorns, some of them sleep going to their room to take a nap. Kyung, Minhyuk and Jae Hyo fell asleep during the movie, the three together on the sofa sleeping. Kyung in the middle, Jae Hyo at the left and Minhyuk at the right. The two were using Kyung’s shoulder as their pillow, the one was in an uncomfortable position, but well they didn’t cared much, they’ll regret it later when their members will hurt them.

 And this is why they’re complaining after the film had ended. But Taeil, Jiho and Jihoon didn’t care. Such a bad hyung. Such a bad leader. Such a bad maknae.

 

 • 

 

This Sunday, Yukwon came back earlier than the previous Sunday, it’s only four in the afternoon, usually he would come back the night, eight or ten pm.  When Yukwon was back, Jae Hyo was sitting behind his desk, reading a book with the music playing in his room, his back faced the door, his eyes concentrated on what he was reading, he didn’t noticed that someone entered his room, only when he heard the loud thump on his bed. Turning his back to the source of the noise he was surprised to see the dancer on his bed. He turned off the music and gave his attention to his friend.

 

 “Already back ? ” asked Jae Hyo as the dancer installed himself on the bed of Jae Hyo, like it was his. Jae Hyo didn’t care, he was okay with that.

“Hm.. “ And Yukwon lied on his stomach on the bed.

“Everything’s alright ? “ But Yukwon didn’t answer.

“ Did something happened ? “ Still no answer.

“You’re early today.. “ he continued as his voice was getting lower. Yukwon’s attitude was kind of unexpected.

 

“ Let me sleep Hyo,  I’m tired.“ His answer is a little bit muffled by the duvet but Jae Hyo noticed the upset and tired tone. Jae Hyo said nothing, he didn’t know if he was surprised or not by the attitude of the dancer. He only nodded, as if Yukwon would see. He wanted to ask if the dancer was tired why he doesn’t go to his own room. But seing the boy on his bed unmoving made him stay silent. He sighed and just left his room.

 

Jae Hyo is chased of his own room. He didn’t know what to do so he wandered in the dorm, stopping himself in the living room he sat on the sofa and watched the ceiling.

 

His heart beat a bit too fast for his liking. Well he was feeling a bit upset after all. Yukwon who was usually so kind to him was mad for some reason, he decided that he doesn’t like that side of Yukwon. Plus he was forced to leave his room. He doesn’t want to be near of Yukwon if he’s in this kind mood.

 

Jae Hyo doesn’t like angry people, because it affected his mood.

 

He sighed, it’s Sunday, and Sundays are boring. He looked at the ceiling one more time, he was feeling empty, but okay. It’s okay, it’s Sunday.

 

Sundays are always boring, and the boredom always affects his mood. Sundays are boring. Definitely.

 

He sighed one more time before falling asleep.

 

 •

 

Say sorry.

I know it’s not easy.

But trust me. After this, everything will be alright.

 

Yukwon excused himself, he said that he was tired and that he was apologizing about his behavior, he said he was sorry the morning when Jae Hyo fixed his bed hair in the bathroom, Jae Hyo simply nodded, understanding Yukwon, because there were times, sometimes he would be angry and not tell no one the reason. Everyone has their reason, everyone has secrets. So it was okay. It’s normal. He too. Has secret.

 

And with that Jae Hyo never asked why he was angry. He wasn’t curious, he just thought that Yukwon was on his period. Because the day after he was smiling as usual. And he smiled too, because Yukwon angry isn’t Yukwon, and he doesn’t like when Yukwon didn’t smile. Jae Hyo loves his smile.

 

 • 

 

Sometimes he talked to Taeil, but they wasn’t as close as they were before. Jae Hyo tried to avoid the elder as much as possible. But he knew he couldn’t keep doing that kind of stuff any longer.  Because running away isn’t a solution and never was.

 

 •

 

Dance training was something he hated the most, he wasn’t good at it, and he was too lazy as to like this kind of sport. Today again, he was panting, falling on the ground. Again. His breath, too noisy, chest rising and falling his body was so desperate for oxygen, he hated dancing.

 

Yukwon would often nag him about his dance. “You hate it because you’re bad at it.” and he would laugh and show his cat-like smile while Jae Hyo panted and whined.

 

Yeah. He was right. He wasn’t wrong. He hated it because he was bad at dancing.

 

 

His head down, facing the parquet of the training room, he didn’t noticed that someone was coming closer.

 

“ Jae Hyo, already tired ? ” said the panting voice. And he shook his head. I’m not. Although he was.

“ You know, lately you don’t look very good.. “ So ? He listened to him without raising his eyes, he didn’t want to talk right now, he was too tired to speak to someone. He wished that the one would go away. Go away, I don’t want to talk to you.

 

“ And well.. I wanted you to know that if you had something on your mind bothering you, you can always come to me, I would be happy to hear your thought..” Jae Hyo waited, wishing that he would stop talking. “ You can tell me whatever you want Jae Hyo. I’ll always be here to listen to what you have to say. You are my friend and it’s been a while since we had a discussion together so.. Yeah.. That’s it I guess.“ His eyes widened and his heart stopped.

 

Why now ?

 

“Yah ! You don’t talk too much today, is everything’s okay ? Oh, maybe you’re thirsty, you want a drink ? Take my bottle, I don’t mind sharing !” And he stretched his hand which was holding a bottle of water.

 

Yeah. This is actually why he hate sport. Because losers are always paired up. Because he was as bad as him was at sport.

 

“ Leave me alone Taeil. ” Everyone knew how bad they were in dance.

“ I don’t mind Jae Hyo, you can take it ! ” insisted the boy with a smile.

 

And then he violently shoved his hand away, which made the bottle fall on the ground with a loud thump.  His heart thumping loudly as well. Everyone in the dancing room turned his head to see what had fallen. The bottle rolled on the ground. Jae Hyo glared at a surprised Taeil. Why the hell did he do that ? He didn’t know. He guessed that he too, like Yukwon, got angry for some reason.

 

It’s just the instant maybe. Taeil had hit his nerves.

 

“ I-I don’t want it ! ” Answered Jae Hyo as he stuttered, he could feel anger in his own voice, he didn’t understand why he was angry, anger made his voice and his whole body shaking. Maybe he was tired, maybe it was dancing who was making him moody. But his whole body trembled.

 

He panted loudly, he didn’t know what to do now, everyone’s eyes were on them. He heard whispers, but he couldn’t do anything, sounds became a noisy mass of something he couldn’t identify. He was scared.

 

Why everyone’s looking ? What are they saying, I can’t hear.

 

He couldn’t hear what they were whispering because he could only hear his heartbeat echoing through his ears.  He didn’t knew exactly if he was scared or angry, the mix of the feelings made him want to throw up. His heartbeats were like a countdown before something inside of him explode. He didn’t want to know what will come from the explosion. It’s scary, because he might loose himself, once again. He doesn’t want to wait.

 

The world seemed to spin faster.

 

He’s fed up.

 

“I’m going back to the dorm.. ” he declared with a shaky voice as he stood up and took his stuff in hurry, leaving the room by slamming the door. Again, he’s running away. 

 

He hates dance and he hates Taeil too.

 

  •

 

Block B’s activities were going on, Jiho was doing his solo career, Taeil released a solo digital single and the sub-unit Bastarz debuted, constituted of Yukwon, Jihoon and Minhyuk. Kyung was preparing a solo as well for september and only Jae Hyo was left out although he did a little bit of acting in a drama. 

 

So much time for himself.

 

His feeling for Taeil were no longer here. He couldn’t feel a hint of love or pain toward him. He was over him. Finally. He did it.

But it wasn’t because he doesn’t have any feels toward Taeil anymore that he’s back at his usual self. It leaves scares. It’s not because he is over Taeil that it means that he’s happy.

 

Well, he didn’t feel happy, but he wasn’t unhappy either. It was kind of a complex feeling. But you could describe it mostly by emptiness. He was feeling empty. Yep. That’s the word.

 

 Things were going on, and everyday became Sunday. Boring.   

 

At the dorm he had his habitude, tea with Kyung when the one has time. Reading a book or two, staring at the ceiling, going out and spend his money in new books or cloths because he still loves being stylish. Appearance was very important to him. This is why he was in the group. The visual. He reminded himself once again.

 

 •

 

Today he wasn’t going out, he just drank tea with Kyung while reading a new book. Well Kyung was gone for some groceries or whatever he had to do, so he sat alone in the kitchen, reading and drinking his beverage with the sound of the clock ticking on the background. Tic tac, tic tac, tic tac.. Time was passing too slow.

 

And the sound of some steps troubled the rhythm of the ticking clock, he sipped his tea.

 

“ Kyung you finished ? “ he asked, eyes rived on his book.

“ Wrong, it’s not Kyung. “ Surprised, but not too much. He knew the owner of this voice, and he forced a smile on his face to answer.

“Oh, Taeil- Hyung. ” he muttered.

 

And the one returns his smile and installed himself in front of the window which gave a view on the street, not very animated, just a plain street not very passionate to watch, but Taeil liked watching through the window. Even if he didn’t spend his time as much as he was back with Taeil. He still remember his habitudes. They were printed in his brain.

 

He knows what he will do next.  Closing his eyes he sipped his tea once more time before listening to Taeil. Remembering at the same time the moment he shared back with the elder.

 

 Taeil would always sing. Random song, but always sweet and calm song. Ballad. And the concert began. And his heart rate increased while he let out a shaky breath.

 

“ I'm shaking, my heart flutters.. ”

“All you did was just pass by but waves crash in my heart.. ” He didn’t know how to feel.

“Although I'm hiding my expression, you who have been my friend for a long time I hear your footsteps.. ”

 

Taeil was singing his own song.

 

Do you know what dead leaves mean ?

 

He suddenly opened his eyes. Itt hit him. And suddenly a feeling is invading his whole body as he continues to listen to Taeil’s song. His lower lips shivered. It was so evident. He knew now, he knew what they mean.

 

He turned his head toward the back of Taeil, he was singing so beautifully that it was stunning. His voice was full of feeling. It was so beautiful. So beautiful, that his body was producing light. He was glowing, no he was shining. Too much, too bright that it hurts.

 

 

“ My heart that has you in it feels dizzy I’m shaking, my heart flutters.. ”

“ To me, you’re always beautiful.. ”

“ More dazzling than the warm sunlight that shines in the afternoon.. ”

“Even the sight of your back is beautiful.. ”

 

He loved Taeil’s voice, so, so much.. It’s a lie to tell himself that he was over him.

 

A lie..

 

 

 •

 

 

 

Jae Hyo keeps smiling in any situation..

No one is noticing.

Jae Hyo keeps acting…

That he was actually screaming.

Jae Hyo keeps lying…

Screaming for help.

To himself.

 

He’s broken inside, so broken. He keeps lying to everyone including himself, he doesn’t know how far he can go, he doesn’t know when he will stop. He doesn’t know how to stop. He’s fed up.

 

Everyday is a performance. Everyday he acts, he keep repeating the same sentence of yesterday. Everyone is watching, keep smiling, keep acting.

 

He smiles, again and again. He’s tired, his cheeks hurt. When he turns his back to the audience he keeps hearing people laughing at his misery.

 

“ Someone, make it stop.. Please.. ” He silently beg in his heart.

 

Everyday he screams silently, his eyes are pleading someone to notice the distress inside of him. No one see, no one never saw.

 

He’s dying.

 

He’s so frustrated, he doesn’t know why. Why does he feel that way, why it’s so hard to stand up. He doesn’t understand.

 

Why falling in love have made him this pitiful ? “I don’t want to feel this way.. ”

 

Why no one is helping him ? Why no one is trying ? Why, why, why ?!

 

And he finally find the reason. I don’t worth it. He doesn’t worth it enough for someone to make an effort to help him.

 

He’s useless, he doesn’t worth anyone’s effort.

 

The visual. This is what he concludes.

 

 

 

 

 

Why can’t he move on ? Why is he so scared ? Why is he so hurt ? What have changed him to the point to make him so weak ?

 

 

 

 

 

Why did I failed ?

 

 

 

 • 

 

 

 

Bastarz activities continued, and Jae Hyo withdrawed into oneself. The time Yukwon and him normally spend together decreased a lot.

 

“ I’ll see you later Hyo. ” Good bye he say each time when Yukwon said that to him with his smile.

 

Jae Hyo always observed the back of the dancer, whenever who it was. He was feeling left behind. He closed his eyes. He was feeling lonely, again. He was drowning into his own misery. Yukwon doesn’t have the time to pamper the brunet. He doesn’t have the time, he has a busy schedule. Jae Hyo is conscious.

 

He will go one day he tells himself. And maybe that day was approaching. Closing his eyes, he accepted this fact. He couldn’t deny it, the time was coming.

 

He was happy he guess, to have Yukwon at his side. He was happy.

 

Happy that the blond shared his time with someone like him. Thank you. And he smiles, one more time.

 

 

 •

 

 

“Hyo, you lost weight. ” worriedly said Yukwon, when they were in his room, in front of Jae Hyo, worry was clearly visible on his face.

“Isn’t it good ? I needed to lost weight anyway.” answered Jae Hyo nonchalantly, his eyes on another book that he was reading without really reading.

“Not in this way Hyo ! » 

“ Why ? “

“ Not like that Hyo, not in this way, this is not healthy.. “ whispered his friend by shaking his shoulder, trying to make Jae Hyo react. And he tightened his grip on the shoulders of the boy.

 

“What are you saying Kwon- ah ? It’s nothing serious. See it’s alright, can I read my book now ? ”  He faked a smile and lifted his eyes to look at Yukwon trying to reassure him. But Yukwon looked at Jae Hyo like he had seen a ghost, his skin was so pale, his eyes were so dark. There wasn’t a hint of life in him. His whole body was lifeless. It pained him so much.  n his eyes all he could see was sadness, pain.

 

All he could see was someone who needed help.

 

“ Stop doing that.. “ he breathed barely louder than a whisper but audible enough for the visual to hear. Jae Hyo sighed, closing his book because he had the feeling that the younger would not let him finish, he looked in the eyes of the dancer to see what expression he was wearing but it felt wrong, like a very bad idea.

  

“ Stop doing this, you don’t deserve that. ”

“ What are you saying- “ he tried to say with a smile but he was cut by Yukwon.

 

“ Why are you doing that, faking smiles and acting like you were happy and all. Do you really think that I would swallow that ? It’s kinda insulting you know ? Did you thought that we were idiot, practically everyone knew your . I was pretending from the beginning, but you’re doing too much. You’re at your limit you know ? You’re such a coward Hyo.. Stop trying to be someone you’re not, you can’t keep this any longer. So end this ing act.

 You stopped eating, laughing, sleeping, you lost your heart, your mind, your brain and your smile. You lost so many things.. Why are you doing this to yourself, you can’t lie to yourself, how can you look at yourself in a mirror like that ? “ He couldn’t. 

“ You’re so bony Hyo, so pale, so unlike you. When you’re in front of me like this, all I see is a stranger, but you’re not. I know you’re heartbroken but you can’t do this to yourself. You need to stop. Stop lying to yourself and acting, it will never resolve your problem. Running away never was an answer and never will be.

Don’t try to be strong because you’re not.

You’re so ing dumb Hyo. All you did was running away. Be a ing man for once in your life, stand up for yourself and stop doing . Face your problem like a man, there’s always a solution. Don’t act like you were strong, don’t forget that we are here for you, don’t go alone. We are here, we always have been here. I am your friend, we are your friends.    You are not alone. ” Yukwon finished his sentence by taking Jae Hyo’s hand as he was looking directly in the eyes of the brunet. He was holding his hands so tightly that Jae Hyo had a  bit of troubles to proceed what the boy had actually said. His heart tightened miserably and his eyes were burning with unshed tears as breathed, as he realized what the blond had say.

 

“ I’m not alone.. ” repeated shakily Jae Hyo like he wanted to be reassured.

 Is that true ?

“ You’re not. ” firmly said Yukwon, looking in the eyes of the brunet.

Can I believe you ?

“ Not alone.. ” breathed the visual.

Can I trust you ? All Jae Hyo could see in his eyes was care and a warm feeling. And suddenly tears blurred his sight.

“ I’m here. ”  reassured the blond as the brunet gulped.

 

Yes you can.

 

All he ever wanted to hear, the words he had always wanted someone to tell him, Yukwon had said them. All he ever wanted, Yukwon always gave him. He always was here from the beginning. He couldn’t believe it. And he cracked. All his incertitude were blow away by the very same person. And he closed his eyes, to refrain himself to let the tears that were already pooling his eyes to spill.

 

Yukwon wrapped his arm around Jae Hyo’s thin body, as he was telling that everything was okay. That he was here, once again. Again and again. Jae Hyo wouldn’t grow tired to hear those word everyday. He breathed shakily as he couldn’t hold back the tears that threatened to fall. 

 

And for the first time in years, Jae Hyo cried. Clamping onto Yukwon’s shoulders like he was afraid to lose him, the sound of his sadness filled the room. In his life never he had cried this much and this hard. His warm tears were flowing down of his cheeks, wetting the cloth of the blond. It was his pain evacuating from his whole body. His heart was beating too loudly, and for the first time he felt truly alive. 

 

Yukwon pressed him closer to his chest, burying his face in the shoulder of his friend, drawing pattern on his back with his thumb. Jae Hyo’s whole body was shaking in his embrace, he was feeling so small in his arms. Yukwon’s heat was overwhelming, he felt like he was melting, at this moment he wouldn’t mind.

 

While Jae Hyo was crying, Yukwon smiled because he heard Jae Hyo’s heartbeat. 

 

And between his cry and sniffles Yukwon whispered : “It’s okay, you can cry, no one can see, I am here. ”