Jongin

"Don't taunt me with your stories, cause I have got my own." - Grimes, "Easily" 

“You’re staying home again?” my mother asked from the doorway. I was hanging out in the loft, what had been a routine lately, absentmindedly playing pool against myself. 

No one had bothered to ask me why. Kangin tried at first. He tried to get me to teach him how to play so he could join me, but I didn’t even spare him the time of day, so he stopped trying. I didn’t answer my parents when they asked me how things were going every night this week at dinner, so I assumed they were fed up with me. But I guess my mother had taken it upon herself to ask, and there wasn’t much concern in her face, that I could swear was starting to age slowly. 

I grunted in response, trying my best to concentrate on a pocket that I was trying to hit. But of course, the looming presence of my mother was too difficult to ignore. 

“Have you been practicing for the talent show?” she asked just as I hit the the balls. I missed. 

“I don’t want to talk about the stupid talent show anymore,” I replied, raising my voice at her. The funny thing about my mother was that she didn’t feel the need to flinch like anyone else would have at my tone. She didn’t even snap to yell at me like I expected her to. She just stood there and waited. And when she saw that I wasn’t going to say anything else, she simply moved aside from the door frame she was blocking, and let me leave. My mom may be the first person to urge me to do things, and she may be great at guilting me to death, but she knew when it really mattered, and she knew that she shouldn’t pry when that happened. I’d apologize to her later. Right now, I needed to walk around and blow off steam. 

The sun had set a long time ago. I suppose that was the advantage of the year drifting into he warmer months. The looming humidity was enough to annoy anyone into praying the cold back, but the cover of early night was comfortable to people like me. People who really had nowhere to go and found themselves walking familiar paths against their will. 

That familiar path happened to be on the road to Naeun’s house, and although I tried to convince myself that I was just taking a short cut somewhere else, I knew that it was in the opposite direction of anywhere I could’ve gone. So I let myself walk past the small house, craning my neck when I walked past what I knew was her window. I don’t know what I expected to see or hear, but I knew that it would give me some peace. And then, I panicked. I thought about how unlikeable I would be if she happened to walk outside at this very moment, how she’d hate that she thought I played her and insisted on sticking around to watch her broken response. 

That concern was taken away the second I happened to walk past the window I remembered sneaking through. It was open, and the sound of laughter and shrieks drifted through the night. I saw brief glances of silhouettes running around, playfully smacking each other. Now I looked like a ert to anyone who could’ve been a witness to my night stroll. 

And then I felt sort of cynical for being disappointed. I should’ve been happy that she was smiling, that she was doing well, that she had rekindled her friendship with Eunji, who I assumed was one of the silhouetted shadows goofing around. But still, there was a part of me that was shouting you weren’t that important to her, idiot, she’s way done with you and better than ever, instead of saying she’s strong, and she’s okay. So I rushed back the way I came, running away from the thoughts, hoping that the disgust too would fade away. 

I took out my phone and dialed the only number I could think of, the only person I was sure didn’t hate me right now. 

“Minseok,” I greeted the second he answered. I wasn’t concerned with sounding too eager right now. If anything, I was desperate. 

“What’s the occasion?” he asked, and I could hear his characteristic smirk through the phone. 

“I was just wondering if you’d want to get a drink with me right now? I really need it.” 

“Sure,” he agreed quickly. “I’m actually somewhere right now that you can meet me if you want.” He texted me an address, and I hung up.  

The address was somewhere in the middle of a busy district. I wondered if he knew the owners or something, because it was odd that an actual establishment would serve drinks to underage students. But I arrived at a coffee shop after a hasty walk, and realized that maybe there had been a miscommunication error. I walked inside, and he waved to me from a corner table. 

“This isn’t exactly what I meant when I said we should get a drink,” I chuckled as I slid into the booth part of the table. 

“I know,” he laughed along. “But I’m always here when she’s working.” He nodded over to behind the counter, where Hyeri was hurriedly making drinks for the small crowd waiting for them. She finished at lightning speed, and sent them off with a smile. 

“Hey, bum in the denim jacket,” she shouted over at me. “If you want to sit you have to buy something.” 

Minseok shrugged and I scoffed playfully as I walked over to order an iced latte. 

“Still hate me?”  I asked, handing over my card. 

“Not too much. You look sad as lately, so maybe I’m willing to pity you.” She shot me one of her signature smiles, and it was suddenly obvious why she was loved by everyone, even the girls that were jealous of her. 

“So what brings the great Jongin to me on a Friday night like this?” Minseok asked as I sat down in front of him, unwanted drink in hand. 

“I don’t know, just wanted to catch up with an old buddy.” 

“An old buddy who can spot bull easily,” he answered. 

“Exactly.” 

“What’s really going on? Don’t think everyone hasn’t noticed your sudden shifts in personality.” 

“What does that mean?” I asked, taking in the small building. It was modest, too clean to not be new. The exposed brick interior gave it a rustic feel, like one that would be frequented by snobs, but the adorable girl working behind the cashier ruined the illusion. 

“It means that everyone noticed that you turned emo, and everyone noticed that Kyungsoo almost got his face reconstructed,” he shrugged, taking a sip of his coffee. The table next to ours was filled with empty cups. It was obvious that Minseok, the supportive, perfect boyfriend, was also this coffee shop’s sole mean of income. I wondered if he did this every night, or only on weekends. 

“So,” I scoffed. 

“And some of us, the more observant ones, noticed that Son Naeun showed up uncharacteristically late the same day all of this was observed,” he finished. As much as I didn’t want to give him any benefit of truth from his statement, I couldn’t help but snap my eyes to his at the mention of her name. My lips were pursed into a straight line, and I knew that if I opened my mouth to protest, I would just be a stuttering mess. 

“What’s his problem?” Hyeri asked as she approached us, no longer in an apron. She handed Minseok a to go order of coffee. He gave off a fake smile to match her real one, but I could tell he never wanted to see another cup of coffee in his life. “Is this about the whole Naeun thing?” 

I almost got whiplash from snapping my neck up to look at her so quickly. I then glared over at Minseok, who shrugged. 

“She was the one who pointed it out,” he defended. 

“What did you do to her?” Hyeri slid into the booth part of the table, trapping me next to the wall. With Minseok in front of me and Hyeri next to me, there was no way out. 

“I didn’t do anything,” I shot back. 

“Please,” Hyeri rolled her eyes. “Are we supposed to believe that the infamous Kim Jongin had a change of heart the second he saw sweet, innocent Son Naeun?” 

“That’s kind of how it happened,” I admitted. 

“I don’t believe you,” she said, taking a sip of the coffee she placed in front of Minseok. He practically breathed out a sigh of relief. 

“Well you should,” I said. “I fell for her after being tired of being a jerk. Someone messed it up for me and I beat them to a pulp. Now I’m here, miserable and drinking ty coffee.” 

“Hey!” she shouted defensively after hearing a jab at her barista skills being taken. She looked over at Minseok for defense, but he only smiled awkwardly. She pouted, and it warmed even my pretty much mauled heart. 

“So let’s say you’re right.” She ignored Minseok. “What’s stopping you from clearing things up? Why are you sitting here, sulking around when you could be declaring your love and giving her flowers until she decides to believe you?” 

“I don’t want to intrude,” I muttered. 

“You don’t want to what?” she asked, almost incredulously.
“I don’t want to force myself into her life if she made it clear that she doesn’t want to talk to me ever again.” I sighed, resting my chin on the table. 

“Super gentlemanly of you, man,” she nodded. That was followed by a harsh smack to my head. 

“Ow!” I screamed, ready to smack her back. 

“So you’re okay with giving her space, I get that. But by association, you’re also okay with letting the idea that you did wrong swirl around in her head. You’re okay with letting her think that she’s just an object, and letting her love life be ruined forever because of insecurity?” She raised her hand again, and I covered my head defensively. 

“What am I supposed to do?” I asked, half screaming. The employee that had replaced Hyeri shushed me immediately, even though we were clearly the only ones in the store. 

“I’m not saying you should go, be dramatic, and not let her out of your sight until she decides to give you a second chance.” She finally put her fist down, and ruffled her hair. “Look, I won’t ever forgive you for what you did to my friends. In fact, I still want to push you in front of a moving train sometimes. But even I’m willing to admit that people change, and that maybe you were too dumb to go against a mob mentality then, but I’m willing to admit that you might be better than that now.” 

“So?” I asked, not in the mood for my psyche to get examined. 

“So I may be admitting that I believe you. But what’s the use if you don’t do anything for yourself? Don’t expect her to think back on your time together and convince herself that you were honest with her, but don’t demand her to give you the time of day. You have the opportunity to give her a genuine explanation. Do it.” 

I sat there, chin not leaving the table, like a stubborn child. 

“Now get up, I’ll buy you a meal so you can stop looking so miserable.” She got up, and Minseok and I trailed after her. 

“She’s a real charmer,” I scoffed over at Minseok. 

“I know,” he laughed. 

When we got to the restaurant, I noticed we wouldn’t be eating alone. Ahyoung was sitting there at the table. 

“Minah couldn’t make it,” she announced once she saw Hyeri and gave her a brief hug. She gave a quick wave to Minseok, and then she noticed me. Her face fell noticeably. 

“I don’t know if I should say sorry or hi first, so I’ll say both at the same time,” I said, throwing a shy smile her way. A few moments of her piercing my gaze passed, and she did something I’d never think she’d do again. 

She smiled at me. She kept smiling at me for the rest of the night. 

If someone I had seriously wronged, someone who I wouldn’t blame for genuine hatred, could find the compassion in her to smile at me, even if it wasn’t a sign of true forgiveness, maybe there was hope. 

Not everything was lost. 

After that meal, I found myself walking accompanying Minseok to walk them home. By that point, we were to the point of being comfortable enough to laugh. And before she left, offering Minseok and Hyeri a hug, Ahyong turned to me, and whispered, “I forgive you.” 

And so with a new heart, I found myself walking to the dance studio, ready to follow Hyeri’s advice. 

These author's notes should just be called apology notes. Remember when life was good and I updated weekly? Sorry y'all :( 

I'm at a coffee shop as we speak, and I decided to update instead of doing the work I came here to do. I'm also in a particularly good mood. I got accepted into one of the universities I applied to! So now we wait and see what the other five decisions are. Hopefully more good news to come. 

Hope you guys are still here, and for those new subscribers, welcome! Tell me what you guys think, yell at me, tell me if any of you have gotten university decisions and are happy to transfer after an agonizing two years of understimulation, just comment! 

Thanks for putting up with my increasing unreliability. ily y'all. 

J