Jongin 

"When our love was young, we could make the whole world crumble, but with one word, he could turn it all around." Natalie Prass, "My Baby Don't Understand Me." 

“You’re such absolute trash. I can’t believe I ever thought you were any better than the low lives you call friends.” Naeun had said to me before walking off. 

I was still standing there fifteen minutes later. Dumbfounded. Crushed. 

It wasn’t just the fact that the girl I loved had cursed me and compared me to the absolute animals I used to associate myself with, it was the look in her eyes when she was saying it, the look in her eyes before she turned around. I knew her enough to know that she was trying not to cry. The fact that she threatened me, that she found me monstrous enough to need some sort of protection, was enough to break me. 

I let the sun lower itself in the sky, and the wind pick up before I decided to move. I wasn’t in a right mind enough to be able to be conscious while walking. It was a miracle I didn’t get run over while in my zombie like state. It was all too confusing to think about now. I wanted to ask her why, but the look of complete disgust in her eyes told me that I shouldn’t. I was devastated, but it looked like I wasn’t the only one. There’s times where you know you have to fight for someone, but at the same time, there are times you know that it’ll be an empty effort. I didn’t want to hurt her any further, even if I didn’t know what I did to hurt her the first time. 

Before I knew it, I was home. 

The world seemed like it was at a complete standstill. I didn’t want to go inside and be bombarded with questions as to why I looked paler, or why my eyes were so detached. For a while, I just stared. I stared at nothing in particular. It’s weird, when you’re miserable, you can’t seem to really focus on anything. The world turns without you, and you can’t do anything but look in front of you like an idiot. The only thing that seemed to snap me out was the last thing I’d like to hear. The sound of Kyungsoo laughing. 

“Are you okay, man? You look like you’re having trouble functioning there.” He laughed, approaching me. My jaw clenched immediately. 

“Not in the mood, man.” I answered shortly, avoiding looking directly at his stupid smirk. 

“What’s wrong?” he asked, feigning interest immediately. Kyungsoo was never serious enough to inquire about genuine feelings anymore, that was his first giveaway. The second was that no matter how hard he tried to make his face look concerned, his eyes still possessed a glint of classic Kyungsoo mischief, something that was only pissing me off now. 

“None of your business.” I snapped, but he didn’t even flinch. 

“Don’t take it out on me.” He lifted his hands up in surrender, his smirk threatening to overcome his mask. 

“If you don’t leave right now, I will.” I furrowed my eyebrows at him, my fists clenching on their own accord. He let out a short, bitter laugh. 

“When’d you get so dramatic, Jongin? She’s just a girl, it’s not the end of the goddamn world.” 

“And what would you know about the ‘goddamn world’?” I began to yell before freezing, my face going blank for a second. “How did you know this was about her?” I asked, anger slowly starting to creep itself back into my body. Kyungsoo seemed to freeze for a second, too, but it went almost as fast as it came, the same mischievous calm taking over his sense in its place. 

“What isn’t about her lately?” He asked. “Suddenly it’s like everything is unimportant, except for her. That’s not who you are. You and I both know you’re no better than me, or Chanyeol, or any of us. In the back of your mind, you probably thought she was an easy , anyway.” He finished, his eyes boring into mine, waiting for a reaction. 

It all became clear in that moment, and I felt stupid for not figuring it out sooner. 

Kyungsoo had seen her leave that day, piecing it together. He had filled in the gaps with my previous habits, alerting her of them too. He had lied to her about me, about my intentions. He had soiled my name, and with it, our relationship. And here he was, standing in front of me, provoking me. He had taken her away from me. 

I knew I shouldn’t react. It’s what he wanted. But there was no stopping the anger from taking over my control. Without warning, without giving him a chance to react, my fist connected to his face, producing a blow strong enough to make him topple over. Even then, he wiped away the blood with that awful, hideous smirk of his. 

“What the hell.” I muttered, not knowing how to express any of the immense hatred boiling inside of me. I walked over to him, picking him up off the ground by the collar of his shirt. 

“That’s my boy.” He said, laughing.

I let blow after blow follow after that. He moaned, and yelped, and groaned in pain, but I just kept coming back, harder. He stumbled to the ground multiple times, but he just let me pick him up off the ground every time. I wanted to make sure he was unidentifiable when I was done with him. I had lost count of how many times I relentlessly punched him everywhere possible, but I still couldn’t stop. 

“Jongin!” I heard a small voice come from the doorway. I stopped my beating upon hearing it, slowly turning around to see Kangin in the doorway looking frightened beyond belief. 

“Go inside.” I commanded, and he flinched. I almost flinched myself. I didn’t sound like me. The rage made my voice turn into a growl, something I had never heard before. 

“You’re hurting him.” Kangin called out, weakly, almost afraid to open his mouth. 

“He deserves it.” I answered, against my own judge of character, tightening my grip on Kyungsoo’s collar. Kyungsoo could barely breath, but he did manage to chuckle. 

It was still what he wanted. I could send him to the hospital with his final breaths, but he would still be content because that’s what he wanted all along. He wanted me to be an animal, like him. A senseless being driven on pure violent instinct. He couldn’t stand to see any of us get better, so he had to ruin it one way or another. I let him drop to the floor, lowering my voice. 

“Go inside.” I called out again, my eyes turning soft. Kangin was young, and he didn’t have much experience with people, but he knew enough to know that I was sincere, that I was in pain. He nodded, although still scared. He looked like he was on the verge of crying, something I couldn’t stand. I had made the two people I cared about most in the world cry today, and I had lost myself to disgusting impulse. I couldn’t stand myself. 

“Tell mom and dad I’ll be home late.” I called out to him, trying my best to look apologetic. Again, he only nodded, disappearing behind the door, probably trying to look as brave as possible even though I knew he was terrified after watching his older brother, who was supposed to be a role model, practically beat someone to death. 

I walked away swiftly, leaving Kyungsoo to lay on the front lawn. I knew he wouldn’t be there for long. Everyone was watching. That was what happened when you all lived in the same neighborhood. Sehun, who lived in the house facing mine across the street, would probably be the first to come out to his aid. I knew the had all been watching the entire exchange, but they were all too cowardly to come out and break it up. They were just waiting to pick up whatever scraps were left, like hyenas. 

I was disgusted with myself to no end. I smelled Kyungsoo’s blood on me, no matter how many times I washed my hands in the park’s public restroom. I couldn’t manage to get the stench off from under my nose, making every breath induce nausea. I couldn’t even look at my own face in the mirror; I wouldn’t recognize anyway. 

How did Kim Jongin, who was so happy yesterday, who felt like the entire world was at his feet, crumble in one afternoon? Why wasn’t Kim Jongin, who loved a girl more than he could explain, brave enough to tell the truth, even if it meant seeing her cry? Why wasn’t Kim Jongin, who swore he was different, smart enough to stay away from the trap of aggression. 

I was no better than the unhappy, cowardly idiot I thought was only a front. Maybe he was the real me. Maybe there was no use trying to change if I was always going to resort to being the lowest of the low. 

I ended up away from home, in the heart of the city. People walked by in crowds, and I stayed in the same spot, unable to move. 

They all wore smiles, and I was angry again because I was so jealous. Why was everyone else granted the ability to be content, but not me? Why was it so easy for everyone else to be themselves, to have someone they love, and something to love, but it seemed almost impossible for me? 

I didn’t know if I believed in a higher being, or some cosmic principle of karma, but I asked every deity I could think of for an answer. Was I paying for the sins of my past, even though I had repented time and time again? Was I marked for a life of unhappiness since birth? 

I could accept it if was just me who was suffering for unknown, unfair reasons. I would hate it, and denounce it endlessly, but why did someone else have to suffer in the process? 

Why did the purest, most beautiful girl in the world have to have the light stripped from her eyes because of me? I could take being unhappy, but the thought of someone who deserved nothing but unending joy crying, thinking of herself poorly because of me was something I could not take. 

I would take being unhappy a thousand times over before I’d let her go through it again. 

And that’s why I knew I couldn’t approach her. She would only doubt herself more, hate herself for letting me in again. I couldn’t be the reason she cried anymore. 

I had to let her be her own person for a while, even if that meant my own happiness was at stake. 

But that’s how I knew I wasn’t the old Jongin. That’s how I knew I wasn’t a monster that deserved to be punished. Neither a monster, nor the old Jongin, would think their happiness was worth less than anything in the world. But I knew I had to put her before me. 

I AM ALIVE AND SORRY 

I promised myself I wouldn't write anything until all of my apps were turned in, but everything else isn't due until February, so I thought it was fair to write another, albeit short, update. 

I hope you're all still around, and haven't lost interest too much. Sorry, I will be better (insert crying here). 

Thanks, though. 

J