Naeun

Never wanted to discourage everything your eyes encourage silently - Carly Rae Jepsen, "Let's Get Lost" 

“You’re working way too hard, prez.” Namjoo sighed as we sat in the student council room well after the final bell had rung. A week had passed since my talent show proposal, and now was the time to fill out forms for everything, and pick a date to rent out the auditorium. After a long discussion with the facility director, one that took up my entire lunch hour and bled into my statistics class, we had decided that a month and a half from now would mark the date of the show. With preparations for our school spring musical, our culture fair, and our graduation ceremony, it was impossible to reserve it for any later. And it freaked me out. 

I — we — only had a month and a half to advertise, find contestants, find judges, and put the entirety of a show together. Bomi had handed me the reports and invoices not too long ago, ready for me to sign and attach proposals to, and I had practically had an immediate heart attack. I hadn’t been treasurer since my freshman year, but I suppose I had forgotten how to budget, because what we needed to pay was much more than anticipated. Sound guys, lights guys, security, janitorial staff for after the show, ticket printing, poster supplies for our advertising, and of course, the cost of renting the auditorium, added up quickly and significantly. 

“I’m barely working hard enough if we want to file all of these with the activities director before she leaves.” I mumbled, typing faster than I had ever typed. 

“What’s the problem with getting them in tomorrow?” She asked, reading over my shoulder, shaking her head at the twenty or so open documents I was going back and forth between. 

“If I turn them in right now, they’ll be read and approved mid homeroom tomorrow, which means we will be able to advertise and promote this as soon as possible. If we don’t do well with this, I’ll be a complete failure.” I groaned, slamming my head on the keyboard as gently as I could with my fury. Namjoo cooed sympathetically while my hair. 

“Are you almost done at least?” She asked, concern laced in every syllable. 

“Yeah, just need to finish up a couple of sentences and then I’ll print and assemble.” I nodded, looking back at her concerned face. Although I knew she had a heart of gold, I also knew she always wanted to be either at home or with Sungyeol, so I wondered if she was showing concern towards me, or how long this would go on. My relationship with Eunji had been rocky lately, since I was scared to speak to her about anything after she yelled at me, and naturally, Namjoo stepped in to fulfill the role of my best friend while she was missing. That meant not abandoning me when I worked late at school, which I’m sure she didn’t appreciate. 

“Do you want me to bring you a drink from the vending machine while you finish?” She asked, pouting sympathetically at me. She was overdoing it a bit, but who was I to refuse a free beverage offer? 

“Cold royal milk tea please.” I smiled appreciatively as she nodded and skipped away, leaving me to finish. 

While I was alone, I was suddenly desperate to leave the confines of the stuffy room that no longer gave me comfort, for a number of reasons. The first being that it was too loud and full of people who I didn’t know. I didn’t their work ethic or what they brought to the table; maybe they were nice people being judged by someone full of bias, but I didn’t know whether or not I could trust them. It was always a gamble, handing off important assignments to people who didn’t get why they were so important. The second reason was predictable. Of course, it was Kim Jongin. I couldn’t believe the last interaction I had let myself have with him. I let my guard down, again, all because his smile was too much for me, and because I was grateful for what he did to me. But still, I should accept that gratitude isn’t something that should be repaid with complete trust. Maybe I did wrong with leading him on, or maybe I’m doing wrong with convincing myself that I don’t feel something for him. 

It was a relatively simple plan: let my disgust for him take over and forget anything he said when I didn’t know who he was. I would become so detached from him that I wouldn’t be hurt anymore, and nothing would matter. But the problem in that plan was that I didn’t add a number of very important variables. The possibility that he was sincere. The possibility that he would keep trying, persistently. The possibility that he would openly show his caring for me in a big way, like giving me another chance at the scholarship opportunity. And most blatantly obvious, the possibility that no matter how hard I tried to make myself seem otherwise, I was still just a stupid teenage girl who had to fall in love at some point. The first love always hits you the hardest, I heard, and boy, was whoever said that right. 

Just thinking about the way I felt when he was around, seeing his smile or hearing him say something from across the room was enough to give me goosebumps and heat up my skin. I’d be lying if I said that I hadn’t often thought about what would happen if I let him in, and how probable it would be if he hurt me, and how long it would take for me to recover. As much as I tried to suppress it, the thought of him was winning. I wasn’t as strong as I hoped to be, and although my exterior hated it, my interior was secretly rooting for Jongin. 

“Finished!” I exclaimed to myself, hitting print on all the documents. I stretched my legs before getting up, not quite sure if they knew how to function on their own after I was sitting for so long. It felt good to walk across the room to the printer now, though. A bit of exercise was nice. I took the invoices and the stapler with me on my trip to the printer, waiting for the hum to start. As the papers came out, I mimicked the hums with my own melody, stapling the papers while they were still warm. 

When I was finished, I closed my eyes, rolling my neck around to crack it repeatedly. I was hunched over a computer for way too long, and it definitely took a toll on my back and neck. When I was about to reach over to massage my own neck, a pair of hands did it for me. I purred in appreciation, all of my knots successfully being undone. 

“Namjoo, you are a freaking saint.” I moaned, leaning my neck over to give more access. “Eunji never does this for me. You’re seriously wonderful.” 

“Thanks, I try.” 

I jumped, covering my mouth immediately so I didn’t yelp at Jongin looking back, smirking me. I had been too absorbed to notice him walk in, and way too tired to even turn around to check who was placing their hands on me. I could’ve easily been murdered with the amount of care I was showing. 

“What are you doing here?” I shouted, clutching my heart still. 

“I ran into Namjoo out in the hall, getting you something from the machine. Royal milk tea? I told her I’d take the liberty of getting it to you.” He grinned, exposing his perfect teeth. I wanted to wait for my heart to calm down from the shock, but it would never calm down if it was constantly being excited by him. I looked at his hands, and they were empty. 

“So, where is it?” I asked, trying my best to seem way more guarded than I actually was. 

“Well, she mentioned that you were finishing up work, so I thought maybe we could go get actual good milk tea. Together?” he asked, rubbing the back of his neck as if he were shy. I scoffed, not at his proposal, but at his actions. As if he could be shy. Before, I’d believe the odd intonations that would suggest being unconfident, but now I knew he was the great and powerful Kim Jongin. Now I knew that he had everyone in the palm of his hand. I didn’t believe his humbling himself. 

“I’ll be frank with you,” I said, while grabbing the stack of forms I needed to take to the activities director’s office, “I don’t have the time or money.” 

I grabbed my bag, walking out of the room, not before making sure that the lights and electronics were off. Jongin simply followed closely behind, jogging as I strode down the hall, checking my watch. 

“I’ll treat you!” He huffed, probably not expecting the workout that was tagging along with me while I had a mission or purpose. 

“I don’t want anymore of your charity, thank you.” I bit my lip, hoping that he would take it so I could avoid being in a situation where I would just see him favorably again. 

We arrived at the A.D.’s office just in time, since she was locking her door as we walked to her. She looked at the stack of papers in my hand, and rolled her eyes slightly before taking them. I sent my sweetest smile her way. 

“You’re lucky I trust everything is in perfect condition.” She murmured, stuffing the reports in her bag. 

“You will be receiving a large fruit basked in gratitude some day, I promise!” I chimed, bidding goodbye respectfully as she left, her bag heavier than she would’ve liked. 

“So, have you changed your mind now that you’re work free?” Jongin asked, not unsticking to me, even when we were already past the front gate. 

“I have more work to do.” I sighed, starting towards my regular route. 

“You can do it while you’re with me?” He shrugged, following me still. 

“Jongin, you’re making it really hard to say no respectfully.” I groaned, trying to walk faster. He didn’t budge. 

“Then don’t say no.” He answered before offering a laugh. I forced my muscles not to follow his examples, even though hearing him made me want to smile from ear to ear. 

“Unless you have something business related to discuss, we’re done here.” I asserted. 

“I do. It’s about the judging.” He said, not a hint of joking in his voice or appearance. I sighed, knowing that I might be leading myself into my own mistake, but the professional in me took over, and nodded slowly. 

“Where are we going?” I asked reluctantly. He grabbed my hand, and before I had time to protest, he was dragging me towards a small shopping district. 

It might’ve been the combination of his warmth and his smile, or maybe the fact that he was walking too quickly for me to protest, but I knew I shouldn’t fight the urge to intertwine my fingers with his. So I did. I was glad he was leading the way, because he surely wouldn’t let the deep blush forming on my cheeks go until I had voiced the reason why.

It was already awkward. I don’t know why I expected otherwise. 

My earlier mistake was solved by me getting my first strike, when I lied midway, saying I thought I heard my phone vibrate as an excuse to get my hand away. When it was confirmed that it was a false alarm, I didn’t give him my hand back when he offered it. That was the first thing that made him serious. 

Secondly, when we got into the boba shop, I didn’t let him pay for me. I ordered quickly while he was still deciding, and pulled out a couple of crumpled bills from my emergency funds to pay for my drink before he noticed. I wasn’t for spending frivolously when I had so much money to worry about, but I was also way too full of pride, and I thought that a couple of dollars were worth less. He protested, asking me why I did that, but I didn’t answer. 

My last fault was refusing to sit in a more secluded section of the shop, and opting to sit in the most crowded region. He was visibly upset by now. 

“So what did you need to tell me?” I asked, taking a sip of the small drink that was suddenly tasting very bitter. He sighed before sitting up straighter, I assumed he decided that he needed to be professional, too. 

“I know you’re looking for judges, and that this type of thing would usually involve the faculty judging. Well, I told my parents about it, and you do know what my parents do…” he trailed off, looking at me for confirmation. I nodded. It was weird to think about details shared with me when he was still James and I was still Natalie. It brought me back to feelings I didn’t want to acknowledge, and made me feel like a complete fool. He continued. 

“Well, they said they’d be happy to volunteer to judge, upon your approval of course. My mom said she’d throw some sort of prize for a ‘judge’s pick’ category past third place, and my dad said he’d talk to the university board tomorrow, and see if they’d like to throw in another scholarship opportunity for the competition.” 

I smiled widely, getting the urge to throw my arms around him again. 

“Thank you so much!” I exclaimed, fidgeting in my seat as a side effect of giddiness. “This is so much help, you’re the best!” I froze after I said that. He didn’t react like I thought he would. He didn’t smirk or have a witty response ready for me. He simply flashed a second long, polite smile, and drank his boba. My smile faltered, and it occurred to me that I might have seriously offended Kim Jongin. As much as you’d think I wanted to break him, I never did. I only ever wanted to find my peace of mind, not jeopardize someone else’s. 

“Did I do or say something?” I asked, looking at his wandering eyes. He sighed, which seemed to be his expression of the day. 

“No. I guess I just finally realized that you’re serious, and that I can’t really break down your walls.” He shrugged, taking another drink. It was my turn to sigh. 

“Look, Jongin…” I began, looking for the right thing to say. I’m glad he cut me off, because I had no idea what to say to him. 

“No, really. You don’t have to come up with any excuses. I just want to know why it’s so hard for you to trust me. I care about you, Naeun. I haven’t stopped. I think you know to what degree I cared when we didn’t see each other. I just want to know what about me isn’t good enough. Why is Jongin any different from James?” He bit his lip, waiting for me to process what he was asking. This was not the conversation I was expecting. I hardly knew what to answer in this situation, because I didn’t know the answer myself. Aside from my blatant prejudice, it took a lot to find out why. Some things I wouldn’t even be able to answer because I was too scared to do the soul searching. I had to stop thinking that all of his actions and reactions were calculated to fool me, and start thinking of him as a person. A person who was sitting in front of me, telling me his anxieties, ready to care about me like I’ve always wanted to be cared about. I took a deep breath, and decided that it would be better just to talk. The truth usually came out without a script, anyway. 

“The difference between James and Jongin is that Jongin can actually hurt me.” I blurted, shutting my eyes tightly to give me the strength to continue. “I like you. I do. A lot more than you’d probably think. I like the way you think, the way you look, your diligence. But the difference is that if James hurt me, I could shut him off. He didn’t seem to be real if I didn’t acknowledge him. But you’re real no matter what. If you hurt me, I can’t shut you off. I can see you, and that’s not something I’m prepared to face again. I’m scared, and as pathetic as it is, I’d rather be reserved and miserable than hurt and miserable.” I finished the same way I started, with a sigh and an uneasy feeling in my stomach. 

“What makes you think I’m going to hurt you?” He asked, leaning in closer and trying to take my hand. I snatched it away without thinking. His hands balled into fists. 

“What makes you think you’re not?” I asked, refusing to look at him. 

“Son Naeun, I don’t know who you think I am, what you’ve heard about me, or any other information you’ve gathered that could make you distrust me this much, but this is me talking to you with as much honesty as I always have. You’re right, I don’t know if I’ll hurt you, because the changes are that I probably will. But what I do know for sure is that I never imagined myself caring about anyone like I care about you, and that has to be worth something. Maybe not a lot to you, but admitting that was worth a lot to me.” He finished, and it was me who sought his hand out this time. 

Maybe he had a way with words, or maybe I had finally gotten a reality check, but everything seemed clearer now. I didn’t think I was dealing with a liar anymore. All I saw in front of me was a little boy who was just as scared as I was. All I felt in his confession was my heart thumping out of control, the kind of heartbeat we’re all conditioned into thinking only happens once in a lifetime. 

So I let myself go. I let myself run into the open arms he was threatening to close. 

“I don’t know what to say.” I laughed, dumbly but honestly. He smiled in response, pinching my cheek with his free hand. I glared at him after his hand left my cheek, but he only laughed more. 

“Say you’ll let me walk you home?” 

The walk home was more relaxing than anything. More relaxing than I had ever felt before. We talked about a nothingness that made me feel so complete. It wasn’t the kind that filled the classroom in between periods, the kind that couldn’t hold your attention, because it was painfully sad to listen to. It was the kind where you could pick out ridiculous constellations you wouldn’t remember the next day, the kind where you’d tease the other over a speech pattern they didn’t know you had. The kind where you’d argue over the validity of something, and have a one man victory dance when it was proven that you were right, earning you a piggy back ride for a block. It was what I imagined when I first envisioned myself spending time with someone like James. Except he wasn’t a separate entity now. He was Jongin, I realized that he always had been. 

“This is my stop.” I said nervously when we were two houses away from mine.” I looked around, suspiciously, hoping that my mother hadn’t gone out for late night grocery shopping or something. It wasn’t like I was explicitly told that I couldn’t have a relationship, I just knew that everything I did was wrong, so this would probably be wrong too. 

“This is cute, you’re worried about getting caught.” He snickered. I pinched his hand from within my grasp, causing him to yelp, a frown following immediately. 

“Don’t mess with me, punk.” I giggled as he shook his head at me. As expected, a still silence fell over us. It was of of longing and nervousness, of expectation and serenity. Neither of us knew what to do, or how to say goodbye. 

“I should get going.” He cleared his throat. I nodded, letting go of his hand. He stopped me, moving in closer. The world froze for a second, as I stood in anticipation. He only pressed his lips against my forehead for a few seconds, but it was enough to get me drunk. We bid farewells, and I didn’t even bother to greet anyone upon my arrival. 

I went straight to my room, making sure Seeun wasn’t around. And dialed him immediately, embarrassed of my own actions. 

“Hello?” He answered, clearly confused. 

“I just thought you needed someone to talk to on the way home.” I shrugged, trying to steady my breath so it wasn’t obvious that I practically ran up the stairs. I heard his chuckle fill the receiver. 

“Good thinking, baby.” 

I covered my mouth to hide my intense giggling fit that was threatening to happen. 

“Is that my name now?” I questioned, not able to hide the giddiness in my voice. He wasn’t either. 

“Do you want it to be?” 

“I’ll think about it. Don’t get your hopes up, though.” 

Yay!!!!! 

A couple of things: thanks so much for your positive feedback on that intro video. You guys are all so nice ;___; I was seriously really unconfident in posting that bc u know low self esteem and whatnot, but you guys are seriously so sweet thank you so much for all your really nice words

2: I know some people will be like yo what is this boba business, because it's commonly called bubble tea pretttttty much everywhere, but as a Californian it felt really unnatural to write "bubble tea" so I went with what I knew, sorry if it bugs any of you guys because I know it would bug me

3: Okay I know I'm never pushy with my music selections for the beginning of the chapter, but this is the one time I am going to freaking URGE people to listen to something. Go listen to Carly Rae Jepsen's new album. SERIOUSLY! DO! IT! I was like you too, cringing at her name because of her first hit, but after deciding that I really liked "I Really Like You" and taking a listen to her entire album, I found that it was pretty much wonderful; such catchy synthpop, such great feel good music. Listen!!! You can like, punch me if you hate it or something I promise it'll be great! (If u do listen lemme know what ur fav track is bc I will spazz w u)

4: My friend watched my intro video and was offended because she wants all of you to know she is in fact my BEST FRIEND are you happy now Sarah I have done my job 

Extremely long A/N finished, thanks so much for reading! 

J