Naeun

I couldn't ignore the faint possibility of having hope in this insanity. - Misterwives, "Reflections"

I bit my lip, suppressing a laugh from escaping. Chorong and Hayoung were at it again, debating during our usual Monday morning student council meeting. Only, it didn’t seem so terrible today. Of course, being the president, they had to address their arguments to me, but every so often, they’d become so upset at one another, they’d address the arguments, and screams, to each other. I’d take that opportunity to sneak a look at my messages, and quickly type a reply. Sometimes, I swear Eunji would catch me after my attempts to choke down a laugh were less than satisfactory, but she was too nice to say anything. I was glad, I didn’t need anyone losing their respect for me. 

The bell rang, breaking up a cat fight that none of us wanted to get in the middle of. 

“Meeting dismissed.” I said firmly. I knew no one had noticed me texting during our meeting, something I had been strict about for everyone else, but still, I made my voice as stern as possible to try to make myself feel like I wasn’t a terrible leader. 

I was today. 

We all went our separate ways, Eunji, Namjoo and I walking to our homeroom. 

“I swear, we have to recruit a security guard too.” Namjoo said, shaking her head at the escalating aggression between Chorong and Hayoung. 

“I am terrified for next year. Something tells me Chorong is going to be tyrannical when she’s president.” Eunji commented, shivering after her statement. 

“If.” Namjoo corrected. 

“If? Please, whose going against her? Bomi? Chorong would eat Bomi alive if she even tried.” Eunji scoffed. 

I could tell from the corner of my eye that they were both looking at me, waiting for a response, but I was too busy responding to James. Having each other’s phone numbers was the best, and the worst. It was the best because it was easy to talk, it was easy to be in constant communication, which only made my heart flutter every waking moment. It also turned me into a technology obsessed teenager, and put my guard down extremely low. Cautious Naeun would have been scarce with her replies, so her family, and most importantly, her friends, wouldn’t suspect anything. But this Naeun, the Naeun that admitted that she was as romantically interested as she would ever be, was frivolous and too excited to take notice of the disapproving looks that were constantly being shot her way at her obvious behavior. 

I put my phone in my blazer pocket, looking over at them with the best innocent face I could. I was about to open my mouth to comment on their previous conversation, but before I could muster a word, someone bumped into me, dropping the folder full of documents I was carrying on the phone, scattering some papers around. 

“Are you kidding me?!” I groaned, dropping to the floor instantaneously. Namjoo and Eunji followed me immediately, reaching for all the stray papers floating around. If we were to lose even one paper, we could be stripped of our leadership positions. I was annoyed that the accident had happened in the first place, but even more annoyed that the only response I got from the guilty party was snickers. I didn’t even have to look away from the spilled papers to know who they belonged to. 

“Thanks for all your help.” I said, looking up at the group of boys looking down at us. All but one, anyway. The infamous Kim Jongin just stared at his phone, taking no notice to my glares. 

Namjoo and Eunji stood up with the papers, handing them to me to put in my folder. I began walking away with a huff, just long enough to hear them comment. 

“Damn, Jongin. You’re getting heartless again. Even I would’ve helped them pick their up if I was the one who had bumped into them.” A voice I recognized to be Baekhyun’s said with a laugh. Seeing that no response was made from Jongin, I only got angrier and rushed to the classroom. 

“Wait up, Naeun!” Namjoo called, practically jogging to catch up with me. We entered the almost full classroom, taking a seat at our desks. 

“Can you believe that complete ?” I shrieked in frustration. “He just knocks down all of our important documents and doesn’t offer to help! He wasn’t even looking at me because he was glued to his stupid phone.” 

“Kind of like you were doing a split second before he crashed into you?” Eunji asked while taking her books out of her bag. I was used to her being rational towards everyone but me, so her logic only annoyed me more. 

“Yeah, but at least I’m aware of my surroundings the one time I used my phone while walking.” I rolled my eyes at her. I knew she wanted to protest, to call me out on my behavior this morning during the meeting, but she merely shook her head and put on her glasses. 

“At least you had physical contact with the most gorgeous guy in school.” Namjoo sighed in an over exaggerated manner. Eunji and I both ignored her behavior. She thought someone new was the most gorgeous guy created every week. 

“Please, he’s mediocre at best.” I lied. In all honesty, I didn’t know if it was a lie or not. I had never paid any attention to his looks, or anything about him. He was the most reserved one in his little group of friends, despite the hushed rumors I heard sometimes while using the bathroom. They’d all stop talking about him once I came out of the stall, fearing that the stuck up class president would report them or something. He was also the most detached. Whenever I saw him, he was always looking down or looking away. I was sure he’d never seen me in his entire life. That wasn’t my complaint. He was probably handsome. But truly, I didn’t care. His personality was ugly enough for me to ignore him completely, and be content with him pretending I didn’t exist. 

“C’mon, you’re telling me that if he confessed his love for you out of the blue, you wouldn’t start dating him.” Namjoo asked, dumbfounded. 

“You wouldn’t be able to pay me to hold a conversation with him.” I said, taking out my own books. 

“I wouldn’t have to.” Namjoo giggled. “He’s loaded. He’d buy you whatever you wanted.” 

“Please, I’m not that shallow.” I could feel my phone vibrating in my pocket, but i couldn’t reach out for it just yet. Not with Eunji watching me intently, trying to find an appropriate time to call me out. I had to wait until she was distracted enough. 

Our homeroom teacher finally came in after what seemed like an eternity of unnecessary small talk, giving me the chance to sneak a look at my phone. 

Hahaha, that’s true. School’s starting soon, does that mean I have to wait to talk to you?

No, I can sneak in a few replies here and there. I typed swiftly, trying to keep my eyes on the board as much as possible. I also switched it to vibrate; the school had a strict “no cellphones” policy that was very well followed, it would be detrimental if the first confiscated phone belonged to the President. 

Wow, little miss perfect not paying attention in class? Are you okay? Do you have a fever? 

Ha ha, whatever. Would you prefer me to be the model citizen I usually am and wait 8 hours to reply to you? I asked. 

NO. He replied, almost instantaneously. I bit my lip furiously, trying to bite back yet another giggle. It was kind of exhausting, switching from writing notes about history to checking my phone and replying. It was well worth it, though. Waiting to get home, and waiting for both of our schedules to match up was exhausting, I liked being free to talk whenever I wanted. And lately, it seemed to be every waking moment. I wasn't complaining about that, I enjoyed his company more than I thought I ever would, but it was having a significant change on my behavior. 

One of the times I looked up to take careful notes and nod reassuringly at the teacher, I caught Eunji staring at me. No, glaring at me. 

I mouthed a quick “What?” to her, and she didn’t reply, only looked at me with more disapproval, and continued to listen to the lecture. 

I understood why everyone was afraid of her now. If looks could kill, Eunji would be the grim reaper. I guess it worked, she did knock some sense and remorse into me. My goals were getting derailed. I had to pay attention to this lesson because it would be on the test. The test would affect my overall grade. My overall grade would result in my GPA. My GPA would help me get into my dream school with a scholarship. It was necessary I keep myself in check, no matter how many charming people I was itching to talk to. 

But that was another thing. No matter how many times I had convinced myself that looking at my phone would only result in distraction, I still wanted to do it desperately. I don’t remember ever wanting to talk to someone so badly, or to want to do anything so badly. Everything was always done because it was beneficial, because of the future, because its what my sister would’ve done to make people proud. But never had I stopped to realize how much I was yearning to stay awake talking to someone for hours, or how happy a stupid good morning text would make me. I had been so caught up in what I should be doing, I had never thought about what I wanted to be doing. I looked at my folder full of proposals and status reports, and the shiny “President” pin on my blazer. My eyes scanned over the calendar on my school planner that I had just written an assignment down on. It was full of appointments and due dates, volunteer dates and meeting dates. The few days I had to myself were spent working, anyways. But now, I had other things I wanted to do when I got to push work aside. I didn’t want any of it, but I knew that as much as I hated to admit it, I wanted him. 

Lunch time rolled around, and as soon as we stepped out of the classroom, Eunji bombarded me with all of the disappointment she had been bottling up. 

“What the hell was that?” She asked, catching Namjoo and I off guard. 

“What are you talking about?” I asked, looking over at Namjoo to try to act as obliviously as I possibly could. My hand was itching to reach for my pocket, wondering what the last thing James had said was, but I knew that a lecture would only follow. 

“Do you know how irresponsible you’re being today?” She spat at me. I knew she was doing it for me, she was worrying about me, but she had a way of making it seem like she hated me. 

“I sent out a few texts in class…” I mumbled, making it seem like it wasn’t a big deal. I knew it would’ve been a big deal to me a few weeks ago, so it was definitely a big deal to her. 

“It’s definitely more than a few texts, Naeun. I held my tongue while you were being sneaky about it during the meeting, but you could’ve gotten yourself a referral for a really stupid reason. That’s not something Naeun would do. Who are you talking to and why are they making you act so irresponsibly?” 

“Is it Myungsoo?” Namjoo asked excitedly. I usually sided with Eunji on our opinions of Namjoo, agreeing that we loved her but that she was frivolous and cared about unimportant things. I was more than happy for her unnecessary curiosity today. 

“No.”  I replied honestly. He had been texting me frequently as well. He was nicer than expected, but it didn’t change the fact that I was practically forcing myself to reply every time he texted. He was nice, but he wasn’t someone I wanted to communicate with as much as other girls would. He was perfect, I’ll admit, but he wasn’t for me. 

“Are you sure? Sungyeol says he won’t stop talking about how crazy for you he is. I mean, he’s practically waking up only to talk to you.” Namjoo nudged my shoulder with a smile. I smiled back. Even if it wasn’t who I wanted, being wanted felt nice. 

“That isn’t the point!” Eunji yelled with annoyance. “The point is that you’re being rude, Naeun. Chorong and Hayoung probably spent all weekend putting together their arguments for you to hear, but you ignored them. Mr. Lim really likes you, you’re practically the only reason he even bothers talking to a class full of disinterested teenagers, but you deceived him into thinking you even cared about what he was talking about today. He doesn’t deserve that disrespect. Chorong and Hayoung don’t deserve that disrespect. I just want to know who you’re talking to, and if they’re worth more respect than everyone else.” 

That silenced Namjoo and me easily. We were no longer walking, but instead standing with our heads hanging in an empty hallway. 

“Well?” Eunji asked again when I didn’t have an answer for her. “Is it Myungsoo? I hope it isn’t because I really want to believe that you’re smarter than to let a boy mess up your personality.” 

“I’m not texting Myungsoo.” I mumbled. 

“Then who is so important?” She demanded. 

I didn’t answer her.

She persisted, but I refused to look at her. I knew she wouldn’t understand my connection, I knew she’d just yell at me. 

She got tired of my silence and reached for my blazer despite my protests. I was not a match for her, she easily clawed my phone out of my pockets. The password didn’t even stop her from snooping, she knew me well enough to get through it. 

“Who the hell is James?” She asked after looking through my phone. 

“A boy, okay?” I matched her parental tone. 

“Where did you meet him?” She asked, raising her voice. I hesitated to answer, and she knew something was wrong. “Have you even met him?” 

“Why does it matter?” I yelled. 

“Did you meet him on that stupid website Namjoo told you to use?” She demanded. 

“Why. Does. It. Matter?” I repeated, growing frustrated at her attitude, her thinking that she could monitor me so closely. 

“You’re wasting your time on some anonymous creep you haven’t even seen? You don’t even know if this guy is lying to you through his teeth and you’re letting him get you infatuated, and you’re letting him mess everything up for you.” 

“Why the hell does it matter?!” Even Eunji jumped at my volume and tone. I never raised my voice so much, not even when Seeun was getting infuriating. I had had enough of being a puppet to my own expectations, and to the expectations of other people for a day. 

“It matters because one wrong move and you don’t go to college, okay? One wrong move and your entire future is ruined. Are you going to let this wrong move be someone who is a creep, who you’ve known for three weeks at most? Do you want someone whose name you don’t even know to be the cause of your failure?” She screamed at me. “It matters because I care about you too much to see you dig yourself into a hole of idiocy.” 

I shut up. 

As much as I wanted to be free of my responsibilities, of everything, I knew she was right. What I wanted, no matter how much I wanted it, was not what I needed. It was childish to think that I could shrug myself away from my path because I had been won over by a boy in a box. 

Even if I hated who I was and where I was, staying in my lane was my only hope. 

It had worked fine, being the ever responsible Naeun during the day and escaping to the confines of a world only James and I knew when my responsibilities were done. 

I had made the mistake of confusing the walls we had built with the walls of my reality. 

Hello all, J is alive! I am so, so, so terribly sorry I missed two upload dates. I'm going to be completely honest, the first week, I missed writing and uploading because tons of my friends finally came into town and my priority was with meeting up with them and catching up. This week, I was helping my brother study for his CSET, which was this morning, and let me tell you, it was intense. But I'm free now, and hopefully back on schedule! I'll upload another chapter before Friday to make up for it, and then everything'll be back to normal. 

Thanks for your understanding and patience! 

J