Chapter 8
ImmortalsWhen Heechul shows up at Kyuhyun’s door with another bottle of wine, the latter is immediately suspicious.
“You’re not trying to get in my pants again, are you?”
“Please, you have Zhou Mi for that now.”
“Shut up.”
It’s a while before Heechul actually says anything beyond meaningless small-talk, which probably isn’t a good sign: it means he has to be drunk to even start talking about whatever is on his mind.
“So, I took back my free service offer,” the Strategist says bluntly, setting down his glass. “Not that anyone even tried to use it in the first place, and not that you were planning to, but whatever.”
Kyuhyun looks at him skeptically. “No offense, Heechul, but you can’t have seriously believed that anyone was going to even consider something like that when it came out of nowhere.”
“Of course it came out of nowhere. That’s how I do everything: in the moment, and with no regrets.”
Kyuhyun doesn’t buy it for a second. “Then tell me why you’re here trying to get drunk if everything’s fine.”
A glare is sent Kyuhyun’s way as Heechul refills his glass once again, downing half of it in one go. “Don’t be a smartass, Kyuhyun. I’m here because I feel like , and I wanted someone half-decent to talk to who won’t go tattling on me to Jungsoo.”
The glare aside, he doesn’t look angry. He looks defeated, miserable even. It’s a look that doesn’t suit him.
“Anyway,” Heechul continues pointedly. “I figured out my problem yesterday when the junior lovebirds finally got together. I’m lonely, yeah, but trying to sleep around with you idiots while you’re all pairing yourselves off isn’t helping. It’s because I’ve got this awful, gaping hole in my chest where Geng’s supposed to be, and━”
Suddenly, Heechul’s face contorts, and he buries his head in his hands, hiding his expression from Kyuhyun’s alarmed gaze.
“I just really ing miss him, you know?” He sounds like he’s on the brink of an emotional breakdown.
“Heechul…”
“And I keep doing the same stupid things to try and get over him. What I did to Jungsoo after the mission was bad enough, but look at me: I have a damn business card, Kyuhyun. I myself out to distract from the way I feel like I’m going to throw up when I picture his face. If you would have seen what a trainwreck I was a few months ago, the way I tried to throw myself at Sungmin...I guess I never really changed, huh? Attention-seeking, broken Kim Heechul.”
Kyuhyun can’t speak. It’s too much to process. And if it’s too much for him, how must it be for Heechul? “I’m sorry,” is all he can think to say.
“You had nothing to do with it, you moron,” Heechul says, finally uncovering his face. (Kyuhyun pretends not to see the tears that the Strategist scrubs away with the heels of his hands, the red splotches around his eyes.) “Don’t feel bad for one second about cashing in that dumb card. I needed to get this off my chest, and you sat through it, so thanks.” His gaze turns down toward his lap, away from Kyuhyun’s eyes. “Just don’t tell Jungsoo about this, okay? He doesn’t need another thing to worry about.”
“You have my word. And Heechul?” The Strategist looks up at him. “You’re... not broken. Maybe it won’t be for a few more years, maybe not entirely, but you’ll be okay. If there’s someone who can get through this, it’s going to be the great Kim Heechul, isn’t it?”
Heechul slowly shakes his head. “You’re such a sap, Cho Kyuhyun.” A weak smile appears on his face. “I’m glad I met you.”
~*~
Shindong is typing away on his keyboard, eyes flickering back and forth across multiple monitors, when he hears footsteps coming down the basement stairs. With the silence that follows their arrival, he already knows who they belong to.
“Kangin. It’s been a while.”
The Boom Squad leader doesn’t respond, but Shindong hears as he takes a seat, which he takes as a cue to swivel his chair around. Kangin looks troubled, like most of the times he comes to talk, but this has a certain brand of troubled ━ one that Shindong recognizes immediately.
“You’ve been talking to him, haven’t you?”
Kangin’s face gives it away, but he still answers, “Yeah.”
And I’m guessing you managed to say absolutely nothing about how you’re actually feeling.” Another silence confirms Shindong’s suspicions, and he lets out a sigh. “You’ve got to lighten up, man. This has only been getting worse, and what do you think you’ll gain from keeping everything to yourself, huh?”
“I’m not trying to.” Finally, an actual sentence. “It just happens that way. I look at the world going to hell, I see our chances dwindling down to nothing, I want to talk to him about it, and then...I take one look at his face, and I can’t bring myself to cause him any more pain.”
“Tell him that. If anything, you not saying this sort of thing is what’s hurting him.”
He isn’t getting a reaction. Well, fine. If Kangin is going to be stubborn, Shindong is going to push right back. “Kangin, I know about━”
“Don’t say it.” The warning in his voice is clear. “How many others?”
“At least one, not including me. But that’s not my point; what I’m trying to say is that nothing good ever comes from keeping secrets and regrets locked up. Nothing. Keep that in mind.”
Kangin excuses himself with what hardly qualifies as a goodbye.
~*~
Thursday finds all four members of Shadow Squad perched on the ledge of a Capital rooftop, meticulously bugging a handful of the cameras that observe the city’s inhabitants. Or, more accurately, it finds Kyuhyun fiddling with the electronics while the others keep a careful watch over their perimeter.
With a short fizz of an electric spark, the job is finished. “I did it,” Kyuhyun says to Eunhyuk, standing and stretching his sore legs.
The squad leader gives him a nod. “Nice. That’s all Shindong said he needed from us, so I guess we’d better head back...back to…” He sways for a moment, face going dangerously pale, before his eyes roll back into his head. Only Yesung’s quick reflexes keep him from falling off the ledge.
“Hyukjae!” Donghae is by his side in seconds, frantically shaking him. “Hyukjae, wake up! What’s wrong with him?”
Yesung gently pushes Donghae’s hands away, adjusting his hold on Eunhyuk so that the latter will stop slipping out of his arms. “He’s fine, Donghae,” he says. “He’s still breathing. We need to stay calm, get back to the gates, and bring him to Ryeowook. Okay?”
Donghae’s response is barely above a whisper. “Okay.”
~*~
Ryeowook’s hands flutter to his face when he sees Yesung and Zhou Mi (the latter of whom had volunteered to help after seeing the Shadow Squad leader’s state) carrying Eunhyuk’s unmoving form into the Bunker. “Bring him to his room,” he tells them quickly. “I’ll get my things.”
Kyuhyun and Donghae follow the other two ━ Kyuhyun because he feels obligated to see the matter resolved, and Donghae because...well, Kyuhyun doesn’t really need to spell that out, does he? They lay Eunhyuk down on the mattress after they double-check him for weapons. To no one’s surprise, Donghae hardly waits until they finish before he sits down, too, taking Eunhyuk’s hand in his own.
“What happened to him?” he asks, looking up at the others with searching eyes.
It’s Zhou Mi who speaks up. “I saw something similar in a Cluster I visited once,” he volunteers. “The poor girl passed out from overworking herself. If I had to guess, I’d say Eunhyuk is just exhausted.”
Donghae’s expression changes very quickly. One moment, it drips with fear and concern; the next it turns to stone. “I guess it makes sense, then. Thank you for the insight.”
They don’t end up having to wait very long for Eunhyuk to regain consciousness. Ryeowook hasn’t even made it back when the Shadow Squad leader begins to stir, blinking his eyes open and looking very much like a lost puppy.
“Hae? ...Where am I?”
“What the hell were you thinking, Hyukjae?” Donghae bursts out, surprising everyone in the room.
“What?”
“I’ve been telling you to stop for weeks. You skip meals to train harder, you stay up past 3 nearly every night ‘working’, and now you’ve gone and collapsed in the middle of a mission!”
No one looks more shocked than Eunhyuk. “Donghae, I didn’t mean to━”
“You could have died! A few more inches and you would have fallen off the edge and left me here alone. Is that what you want!?” His voice cracks. “Why won’t you just take care of yourself?”
A sob escapes from his lips, and Eunhyuk sits up to pull the other man against his chest. “I’m so sorry,” he apologizes. He still looks stunned, but at least now he seems mostly aware of what’s going on. “You’re not going to be alone.”
Kyuhyun feels a pull on his shoulder, and he turns to see Zhou Mi gesturing for them to leave. Yesung is already walking through the doorway. “They’ll be fine,” Zhou Mi says in a barely audible whisper, “but they need some time alone.”
Kyuhyun lets himself be led out of the room.
(When they pass Ryeowook in the hallway, the medic is more than a little disappointed when he’s told his skills won’t be needed just yet. He is, however, more than understanding about leaving the two alone for a while longer before he checks Eunhyuk’s vitals.)
(He’s a romantic like that.)
~*~
If there’s one thing Leeteuk hates doing the most, it’s probably going to others for help. Over the years, he’s trained himself to be unselfish, independent, and self-reliant: the kind of leader others will respect. The thought of troubling someone else with his problems when he’s supposed to be the face of the Resistance goes against everything he’s conditioned himself to think.
Yet Kangin’s words have struck a chord with him. They’ve started to make him believe that he can be strong and not be afraid to lean on others in times of trouble. Maybe that’s the true measure of a leader: having the courage to show your weakness.
Those are the thoughts that lead him down to the armory when the clock hits 10 p.m.. He’s never been to one of Siwon’s “faith sessions” ━a term dubbed by the other members, not Siwon himself━ but he supposes that if he’s looking for guidance, this can’t be a bad way to go.
As he approaches, he sees Donghae and Eunhyuk walk out hand-in-hand, the pair giving him matching smiles.
“This is your first time going, right?” Eunhyuk asks. At Leeteuk’s hesitant nod, he says reassuringly, “Don’t be nervous. It’s still just Siwon.”
Leeteuk almost could have hugged him for the comment. Instead, he closes the gap between himself and the doorway, crosses the threshold, and…
...everything is completely normal. There are no bibles or candles, hymnals or offering plates. Just Siwon sitting on the floor with his eyes closed and a content look on his face. A moment later, his eyes open, widening for a moment in surprise before they return to normal. “Leeteuk!” he says warmly. “This is a surprise.”
“Sorry if I came at a bad time. I thought it was at 10, but I saw the other two leaving…”
“It’s perfectly fine; to be honest, I don’t have a set schedule anymore.” Siwon gestures to the spot in front of him, an offer which Leeteuk gratefully accepts. “I’m available when anyone needs to talk. And it seems like that’s something you need right now.”
“I’ve needed it for a while, to tell the truth. But I’m finally trying to do something about it.”
To Leeteuk’s relief, Siwon doesn’t balk at his forwardness. He nods understandingly, saying, “In that case, I hope I can be what you’re looking for. But before we start, if I may, would you mind if I use your real name?”
It throws the Resistance leader for a loop. There are only two people still alive who use his birth name: Heechul and occasionally Kangin. To get such a sudden request is…
“I only ask,” the other man clarifies, “because it might make our conversation more comfortable. I would, of course, still address you normally any time out of this setting.”
“Go ahead, then. I won’t mind.”
“Thank you.” Siwon folds his hands together contemplatively, as if thinking of where to begin. “So tell me, Jungsoo, are you religious?”
Siwon is just full of big questions that evening. Leeteuk’s lips turn down in a frown. “Honestly speaking, I don’t know anymore. I used to be, before all of this started. Heechul thought I was crazy.”
“Then you’re not here to pray. You’re here for guidance.”
“I guess so? I don’t know what I’m looking for, but I could use some sort of…”
“Hope,” Siwon finishes for, making Leeteuk nod.
“Actually, I think you’re right. How did you know?”
“You’re not alone; that’s the heart of the matter when everyone comes to talk. Some want their faith in God affirmed or restored, others want reassurance that they’re on the right path, but it all boils down to one thing: hope.”
Leeteuk has never heard the other man sound so wise beyond his years. “Maybe you can give me some, then,” he says with an uncertain smile. “It couldn’t hurt.”
Siwon gives him one last soul-piercing look, and then the formalities of the conversation are over. For the next two hours, Leeteuk finds his doubts and worries picked apart, scrutinized, and gradually filed down. Long-held beliefs about his responsibilities are challenged, his internalized sense of defeat was brought to the surface to be purged, and by the time they’re done...he feels like a new person. Or maybe that isn’t the right way to put it. He feels like himself again, only this time his mind is focused and his conscience is clear.
I’m more than just Leeteuk, the strong, fearless leader. I am Park Jungsoo, and I won’t let anyone make me forget that ever again.
~*~
Sungmin nearly rips the armory door from its hinges as he swings it open, slamming it shut behind him. Just inside, taking count of various types of ammunition, is Kangin, who gives him a look that asks ‘what the hell was that?’
“Okay, that’s it,” Sungmin tells him angrily. “I’ve had it up to here with your melodrama. And since it seems like everyone else is too busy walking on eggshells around you, I guess I’m going to have to be the bad guy.”
The Boom Squad leader gives him a hard look. “Melodrama. Is that what you’re calling it?”
“That’s exactly what it is. I get it, okay? You loved Leeteuk ━ you still love Leeteuk ━ and he dumped you. It . But that doesn’t mean━”
“You know what else ‘’, Sungmin?” Kangin asks, sounding angrier by the second. “Not being able to forget all the people you couldn’t save, and knowing their blood is on your hands. Seeing that last spark of hope get dimmer and dimmer every day that we sit here trying to figure out what we can possibly do to help.”
Sungmin feels himself snap. “We’re all going through that, you bastard! You don’t think Siwon gets miserable when he thinks about our odds? Yesung? Donghae? Wake up, Kangin. You’re not the only one who’s suffering, and I’m sick of watching you act like everything is your burden to bear!”
“You have no idea what I’m going through.”
“Everyone here has gone through just as much grief and suffering, if not worse. For God’s sake, your parents are still alive. You walked away ━ hardly any of us had that luxury.”
“So what?” Kangin takes a few threatening steps forward. “I’m not allowed to have problems because there are people who have it worse than me?”
“You can have as many problems as you want. Just stop convincing yourself that you’re being forced to deal with them alone.”
“Get out, Sungmin.”
“But━”
“I said get out.”
This didn’t go like Sungmin wanted it to at all. He opens his mouth again to speak, but the rage on Kangin’s face renders him mute. Silently, he walks back out the door as quickly as he’d come in.
The truth was? He’s worried as hell about the other man, and he doesn’t know how else to shake him out of that miserable spiral. But now...he can’t help but think that he’s only made things worse.
~*~
Happy Birthday, Donghae and Henry…
Happy Birthday to you!
Applause sounds around the circle of Resistance members, and the two men in question practically glow with happiness.
Technically speaking, today is only Donghae’s birthday, but since Henry failed to mention it when his own birthday passed a few days earlier (Kyuhyun thought Ryeowook was going to blow a gasket when he found out that he missed it), Donghae agreed to a joint celebration. It’s good timing, too; they all need a pick-me-up. Kyuhyun had overheard Leeteuk talking to Heechul, and it seems like the Resistance’s final strike is close at hand.
Henry opens his presents first. For the most part, both recipients got cards instead of gifts, just because of their practicality, but there are some exceptions. Ryeowook had made him a scrapbook with the box of old photographs Henry had carried around with him since he’d come to Korea, which is met with the utmost admiration (“So this is what you wanted them for? That’s amazing!”). Eunhyuk and Donghae get him two learning-Japanese books, which is apparently just the thing he’s looking for. (“Thanks so much, you guys! I love them~)
When it’s Donghae’s turn, he takes the time to read through every single card, individually thanking every member, and then he excitedly goes for his gifts.
Heechul’s is opened first. He gives Donghae a surprisingly thoughtful Disney DVD that he managed to buy off a traveling merchant, and Kyuhyun wonders what the catch is until Heechul says “I was going to give you Hyukjae in a box, but for some reason he wouldn’t agree to having a bow on his head. Or maybe it was that I insisted he be .”
Sungmin promptly elbows the Strategist in the ribs, and Kyuhyun doesn’t know which is better: the wicked smirk that’s still on Heechul’s face (it’s good to see him acting like himself again) or Eunhyuk’s murderous expression.
The Shadow Squad leader’s eye twitches threateningly. “Kim Heechul, you erted little━”
“Oh, like I’m not insinuating something that’s going to happen later anyway.”
Siwon looks just about ready to fall on his knees and beg God’s forgiveness for all of them. “Please tell me someone got Donghae something nice for his birthday. Without the added innuendo.”
Eunhyuk seems to shake himself out of ‘murder Heechul’ mode. “I have something,” he says, reaching behind his back to retrieve a box. Very carefully, he places it in Donghae’s waiting hands.
The eager smile drops off of Donghae’s face the moment he opens the box. Kyuhyun sees a bracelet sitting inside, but no markings, no tags that give away its significance.
“Hyukjae, is this…?”
“It is.”
“How…?” Donghae can’t finish the sentence. His lips visibly tremble as he handles the bracelet with almost reverent hands.
“I’ve been searching for months now,” Eunhyuk says softly. “To the point that I burned myself out and collapsed. I’ve been going back to our old Cluster, following a lead after someone picked it out of the rubble and sold it. It took a long time to track down, but...I thought it was worth it, since it was your mother’s.”
Oh my god…
Too overwhelmed to speak, Donghae carefully puts the bracelet back into its box. He clings to Eunhyuk like the other is his lifeline, turning his face away from the group to bury himself in the warmth of an embrace.
Eunhyuk rubs reassuring circles into the younger man’s back. “It’s okay, Hae. I’ve got you.”
Just as gently, Ryeowook rests his fingers on Donghae’s arm. “Donghae?” he asks. “I made a cake for you and Henry. Maybe having a bit will cheer you up?”
Donghae nods against Eunhyuk’s shoulder, his “thanks, Wook,” coming out mostly muffled.
In a few minutes, when the cake is cut into 12 slices and passed around the circle, Donghae will turn to the group with watery eyes. “You guys are the best,” he’ll say, quickly amending it to “You guys are the second best; Hyukjae’s still my favorite” at said man’s teasing nudge. The buzz of relaxed conversation will fill the room, and their future will look brighter than it ever has.
But for now, while Ryeowook goes to the kitchen, the group waits in silence. Waits and watches just a small glimpse of the unrivaled love between best friends and soulmates.
And Kyuhyun thinks to himself, If I end up with even half of what they have, I’ll die a lucky man.
A/N: I'm officially up past 100 pages of my document posted *cheers* Things are counting down until the final mission...but there's still a few more chapters of the story to go. :) I was in a rush last time I posted, but I wanted to take a moment to say hi to all my new subscribers - hope I can keep you entertained! And as for all you lovely people commenting, a huge thank you~ Thanks to everyone for reading, feel free to drop me a comment (they really do make my day), and I'll see you next Friday!
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