You were driving home from work on a rainy day. Your eyes were fixed on the road in front of you but the rest of your senses were indulging in countless incidents, the memory of which was brought back by the seemingly endless rain. You were confused at your own mixed feelings, being both happy and sad. You were happy rain still reminded you of the memories you didn't want to forget, yet sad you were naive enough to give up on them when he literally begged you to stay. The line in front of you seemed endless as the light turned red and people were struggling, as much as you were, to see anything at all as the heavy rain kept on pouring. You looked at the time, 8 p.m. You had enough time to go home, cook yourself a simple dinner and go to bed, but you didn't feel like going home yet. You wanted to stay out for as long as you could, the walls of your apartment making you feel more pressed, lonely and miserable. Two years ago, things were different. You enjoyed your loneliness more than anything else. You’d spend the day sipping coffee and watching nothing in particular on your T.V.'s glowing screen. But then you started feeling suffocated, especially after you decided to clean around and came across a few neglected photos and letters you haven't seen in years.

 

 

 

Looking at the red light still glowing in your face, you knew the drive home will take at least an hour. Out of sheer boredom, you decided to turn on the radio. You never liked listening to music on the radio, preferring to attach your own MP3 player and listening to your own playlist. Tonight wasn't different, if only you hadn't forgotten your MP3 player at home. You scanned through the few channels until a certain voice forced you to stop. Even though he introduced himself with a different name, you were sure it was him. Your ears that have melted everyday under his few whispers and hot breaths while nibbling your ear or simply cuddling would recognize his voice no matter how much time have passed. 

 

 

 Leo. Main vocal. 

 

 

You smiled to yourself. You knew he had already debuted but you never managed, or wanted to, watch or listen to anything related to him, not because you hated him but because looking at his face or hearing his voice reminded you of the last time you saw him and it broke your heart even more because you were the reason behind the frown on his face and the tears in his eyes. This time your hands failed you and you couldn't bring yourself to change the channel, but rather listened carefully to every word he mouthed, even if it was a mere self introduction. You recognized the voices of the rest of the members, having been friends with them for a couple of years before you... 

 

 

 

He begged you to stay, begged you not to leave him. He said he needed you, stood in front of you, looking into your eyes, his hands holding you, his vision blurry with tears and his hair and clothes drenched with raindrops as he kept on asking you 'why' without you giving him an answer. You couldn't answer him, seeing how devastated he was, how frustrated at your sudden decision to break up. You were forced to leave. Your career was everything you worked for and you had to accept this scholarship in order to achieve your dream. He was pursuing his dream as well, but he wanted you to be by his side. You called him selfish when you knew he was anything but selfish. But to see him standing between you and your dream made you believe he was against you being successful. Two years later you realized how stupid you were. 

 

 

 

Your phone started ringing, slowly dragging you out of your thoughts. Junmyeon's name appeared on your screen and you sighed and neglected the continuous glowing. You remembered how the session went today and you were sure he was calling you to talk about what happened. You were teaching your class one of the techniques of painting with coffee when the smell of it triggered a sensitive spot in your mind and you suddenly threw your tools and left the class. Junmyeon, your assistant and best friend, took over the class and then found you crying in your office once the session was over. This wasn’t something new to him. Your latest paintings had turned quite gloomy and your lectures were full of mentions of betrayal, hate and desperate nostalgia rather than the other themes described in the syllabus. This was the case for the past couple of months. Ever since you came back home you haven't been able to look at the canvas and think of anything bright to draw or a bright theme to discuss in class without it turning into a depressing lecture about giving up on those who loved you for an illusion. Being your best friend, he knew about you and Taekwoon, and even yelled at you for breaking up with him, calling it 'the stupidest thing you've ever done.' Being your colleague, he knew how important your job was for you, but he could tell that you no longer felt happy doing what you loved to do. Nothing made you feel happy again. He knew you missed Taekwoon but there was nothing you could do about it. After getting your degree and coming back home, Taekwoon had already debuted and you didn’t want to cause him any problems. Even though you were dying to talk to him, to see him, to touch him, you didn’t do anything about it. You were afraid he'd reject you, yell at you and ask you to leave him alone. 

 

 

 

'Can't we work this out?' he asked, and you shook your head 'No.' You didn't want to work anything out. Although he was dying to hear an answer, the one you gave wasn’t convincing enough for him. ‘Do you really have to go? Do you need this degree? You're doing fine without it! Why can’t you study here? Why can’t we take a break instead of breaking up? Why?’ You turned your back and walked away, your heart clenching at the sound of his sobs but you continued walking, remembering that you have lived your whole life for this dream, and having him undermining it like this meant that he didn’t care about you. How could he ask you not to pursue your dream when he knew how important it was for you? You couldn't bring yourself to listen to any of his pleads, your pain prevented you from listening and you found yourself walking away, leaving him on the floor, crying. 

 

 

 

You knew Junmyeon was right when you started feeling guilty for breaking up with Taekwoon, falling into depression a week after arriving and starting the semester. You were dying to talk to him but you were hurt. Even though he didn’t stop calling you, you wouldn’t answer his calls or his texts. You’d spend your nights crying. Hakyeon told you he did too but you couldn’t talk to him, you didn’t want to.You knew he'd beg you to come back but you were still hurt, his words echoing in your head and you couldn't let it affect you. You tried focusing on your studies instead of thinking about him. But even when you didn't think about him while awake, he'll be in your dreams when you fell asleep.

 

 

 

‘Why?’ Hakyeon asked and Wonshik begged for an answer when they met you the day after you broke up with Taekwoon. ‘Why are you breaking up with him? What happened?’ You had no answer, but Hakyeon knew how you felt. He was the closest member to you and he was always there for you whenever you and Taekwoon would fight or go through a hard time. He tried convincing you that Taekwoon wasn't against your dreams but you refused to listen. Wonshik, on the other hand, called you heartless, but you still gave no answer. They stood up to leave the café when they lost hope.

 

 

 

Your attention was brought back to the speaking idols on the radio when you heard Taekwo.. Leo's voice speaking softly again. He was announcing the release of his first self-composed song in their upcoming concert. A few seconds later he was clearing his throat and warming up so that he could sing a verse of the song on the radio. You could feel blood freeze in your veins and your heart stop beating. You have heard him sing hundreds of times. You heard him sing more than you heard him speak. But the reason behind your shock wasn't his angelic voice, but rather the lyrics of his song. As the DJ and the rest of the members praised his perfect voice and well-composed song, your tears were flowing down your cheeks. The song was about you, about your break up, about his pain... 

 

 

 

‘Why can’t you understand how important this is for me?’ You yelled at him when he kept asking you to stay. All he wanted was to be with you, but you only heard that he didn’t want you to be successful, he didn’t want you to live up to your dreams, didn’t want you to leave his side. 'I can't forget you, [Y/N], I love you. Please don't do this to me.' He’d text you when you’d tell him to stop calling, to forget you, to stop trying to get you back. How could you he be so selfish? No. He wasn’t selfish. He'd spend his nights serenading in your ears because you were insomniac, regardless of how tired he was, regardless of the few hours he slept due to his endless dance practice and vocal lessons. He would stay by your side when you felt sick, even if it was a normal cold. He was your shoulder to cry on whenever you felt pressured by work. Everything he wanted was to see you happy. But.. 

 

 

 

Again, you were forced to refocus on their conversation over the radio when he was clearing his throat again after being asked to sing another verse of the song. He said he'll sing the last couple of lines, leaving the ones in the middle for the concert.

 

If you ever want to come back some day

Even if it's a few years later

I'll be waiting

I'll be waiting

Even if it's a few years later 

 

 

 

Your tears were still wetting your cheeks when you heard the DJ asking him about the story behind this song. The members giggled and you knew he must be flustered at the question, lowering his head and his ears turning red. You recognized Hakyeon's voice explaining that they all have experienced a form of love when they were younger resulting in them being affected by their past experiences and that being reflected in their songs. Of course he won't say he dated a heartless girl who broke up with him because she believed he hated seeing her accomplish her dreams.

 

You still remember how you caught your roommate texting him when you fell sick and realized she was his cousin, and that she was telling him everything about you for two years. He asked her to keep an eye on you when he knew you were joining her college. He asked her to help you the minute you arrived to campus. He sent her your picture and asked her to find you, and to be always there for you whenever you needed anything. He also asked her if you were dating, if you found someone you liked but she told him how you'd call his name in your sleep, how you'd reject all the dating proposals you received, how you focused on nothing but your studies. You cursed yourself when you realized you couldn't live without him and neither could he, but it was too late. 

 

 

The interview was almost over as you were pulling over in front of your building. Their final words were a reminder of their upcoming concert's dates and you caught yourself taking note of the time and place of the concert. Where you planning on going? You weren't sure yet but a feeling inside of you told you that you needed to buy yourself a ticket. You wanted to see him. You wanted to see how he looked after two years of not catching a glimpse of him. You wanted to apologize to him and beg him for forgiveness. 

 

 

 

You climbed the few stairs at the entrance of the building and walked a few steps toward the elevator, looking through your purse for your keys. You entered your apartment and walked toward your bedroom. The second you entered you could feel the need to look through your drawers and read the letters Taekwoon sent you on a daily basis for 2 months after your break up. You found them in the second drawer with a number of photos and polaroids you took together 2 years ago. Your eyes were fixed on the faint smile on his face and your heart clenched when you remembered the sad look on his face when you told him you wanted to break up.

 

You reached for your phone and typed a text but then deleted it. This lasted for a couple of minutes, typing and deleting and then typing and deleting again. You wanted to call him ever since you came back home, ever since you knew he sent his cousin to find you, ever since you knew he stopped eating for 2 weeks after you asked him to stop calling you. You wanted to cry and ask him to forgive you when you realized how stupid you were for letting go of him. You passed by the company’s building and by the dorm, hoping to see him but then you’d leave before seeing him. You didn’t want to hurt him again, you didn’t want to remind him of the pain you caused him.

 

You haven't spoken with Hakyeon ever since you came back home. He was always busy with their endless schedules and you didn’t dare call him after he found out about Taekwoon's cousin as well. He called you and asked if it was true, if she was telling Taekwoon everything about you when they thought he moved on and forgot about you and you confimred it. You told him about the text messages you read in her phone and how Taekwoon hadn't moved on at all. How he was still clinging to you. He asked you if you were willing to come back to Taekwoon but you said no. He couldn't understand what prevented you from calling him when you knew how much he was suffering, how much he cared for you, how much he loved you. You asked him not to call you again, so he stopped calling you and you lost contact with him ever since. You couldn't tell Hakyeon why you refused to speak with Taekwoon. You couldn't tell him you were afraid he'd reject you, you were afraid he'd never want to see you again, you were afraid of so many things.

 

Your hands were shaking as you dialed Hakyeon's number and put the phone on your ear. Your heart was beating fast and you could feel drops of sweat rolling down your back. Will he answer?

 

‘What do you want?’ Hakyeon’s sleepy voice answered you.

‘H..Hello.’

‘What is it?’ He asked.

You sighed. ‘Nothing. I'm sorry. Bye.’ You hung up. A few seconds later, Hakyeon’s name appeared on your screen. You picked up.

 

‘I’m sorry.’ He said as soon as you picked up and started crying.

‘What’s wrong?’ He asked when he heard your sobs.

‘I was stupid. I was…’ you chocked on your tears.

‘He won’t stop talking about you. Even his first song is about you.’ He said, his voice warm and concerned.

‘I heard it on the radio.’ You said faintly.

‘You did?’ He exclaimed.

‘Um.’

‘He wants you back. He said he’ll wait and he’s been waiting ever since… ever since you left.’

‘But I don’t deserve him. Why is he waiting for a heartless person like me?’ You asked between your sobs.

‘Because…because he loves you [Y/N]. He still loves you.’  

‘I don’t deserve his love.’ You almost yelled.

‘He doesn’t care. [Y/N]..please come back.’

‘I can’t.’

‘[Y/N] please! He needs you, he always needed you.’

 

 

His sentence echoed in your head all night long, preventing you from sleeping. He needed you and you needed him. You were determined to go and see him, you had to apologize, you had to say you were sorry for all the pain you caused him. The next morning you found yourself getting dressed and leaving your apartment toward the concert’s location and calling Hakyeon.

 

You arrived at the location and were received by a staff member who let you in secretly and led you to the room where you met the four members who weren’t performing. The only one who was excited to see you was Hakyeon. The rest of the members didn’t even look at you or speak to you until Hakyeon urged them to do so. You couldn’t look them in the eye. They cherished Taekwoon so much and they had to see him suffer after you broke up with him.

 

‘I am sorry.’ You said weakly, trying to hide behind Hakyeon, avoiding their gazes.

 

‘Why are you back? What do you want from him?’ Wonshik almost yelled until Hakyeon motioned him to stop. You started crying again. He had the right to attack you like this since he had no clue why you broke up with Taekwoon. You had nothing to say, so Hakyeon interfered.

 

‘She’s here to fix everything.’

‘She can fix nothing.’ Hongbin said with a heated tone.

‘I just want to apologize to him. I want him to forgive me.’ You said, expecting to be attacked again.

 

Hongbin rolled his eyes and chose a seat at the other end of the room.

‘Nothing you do can make him forgive you.’

‘Let’s not speak for him.’ Sanghyuk suddenly said and you darted your gaze in his direction. He cleared his throat and said:

‘You all know he still has her picture as his PC’s background. You all know he still looks at their photos together whenever he feels down. His performance is almost over. We’ll know his answer when he comes back.’

 

They were looking at him, none of them able to deny any of the things he mentioned. Hakyeon grabbed your arm and said:

'I can’t wait. Let’s go.’

 

Before they could protest, he was pulling you behind him to where you could see Taekwoon and Jaehwan perform Taekwoon’s new song. The song was almost over. Hakyeon glanced at you.

‘Stop crying.’ He said as he wiped your tears away.

‘What if he doesn’t want to see me? What if he doesn’t forgive me?’

‘He will. I am sure.’ He hugged you and rubbed your back gently. The song was over and the lights were turned off as Jaehwan and Taekwoon were running toward Hakyeon and you, while Wonshik and Sanghyuk prepared for their own performance. Jaehwan was first to see you and he was baffled for a second before Hakyeon motioned him to stay silent. Taekwoon followed him and the second he saw you standing next to Hakyeon he froze in his place. He was tearing up toward the end of the song, but seeing you made tears flow freely down his cheeks. For a second you thought he was walking in your direction and your heart started beating fast but you could feel it drop when he passed by you and walked toward the waiting room. You turned to look at Hakyeon who gave you a sympathetic look.

 

‘I’m leaving.’ You turned around to see Taekwoon standing behind you.

‘Why did you come?’ He asked, not looking in your direction.

‘I’m here to say I am sorry. I know how you feel and I know I was stupid and heartless. I ... I just want you to forgive me.’ You said and walked past him. You wanted to leave. You came to apologize and you did. There was no need for you to stay anymore. Seeing you hurts him and you didn’t want to cause him any further pain. As you passed by him he grabbed your arm, pulling you backwards so you could face him. You averted your eyes, avoiding eye contact.

 

‘I’ve been waiting for you.’ He said.

‘I don’t deserve waiting for.’

‘I am sorry.’ He said as he lifted your chin so you could look at him.

‘What?’ You said as your tears rolled down your cheeks.

He wiped your tears away and said

‘I'm sorry I hurt you. I am sorry I made you feel bad about your scholarship when I should have supported you. I am sorry for letting you suffer when I should have been there for you.'

'Taekwoon..'

'Will you forgive me?' He asked while looking into your eyes.

'I came here to ask you for forgiveness..'

'I forgive you.'

'Why?'

'Because I love you, I always did and always will.’

‘But I.. I…’

'Will you forgive me [Y/N]?'

'I...'

The feeling of his lips on yours sent you back in time to the first kiss you shared with him after you confessed to him. He returned your confession with a kiss and asked you to be his girlfriend immediately. A month later, while celebrating your month anniversary he told you that he was planning on confessing to you. If only you waited a couple more days he would have confessed to you and told you that he fell for you ever since you spilled your coffee on him the first time you met at the café next to their dorm.

 

He pulled out of the kiss but kept your faces close to each other. You could feel his hot breath on your face as he whispered

 

‘I love you.’

‘But..’

 

He kissed you again and you were sent back again to the first time he touched your body. You were both alone in your apartment. It was his day off and he chose to spend it with you while the other members were resting or meeting with their families. You found him knocking on your door, lust filling his eyes as he kissed you the second you opened the door for him and pinned you against the wall, his hands roaming your body while yours roamed his. You waited for him to take the first step. You wanted to take this relationship a step further. You wanted more than kisses and cuddles and you knew he wanted the same. You could see it in his eyes. But he wanted to take things slowly, cherishing the simplest touches and kisses before things developed and you shared the most intimate forms of love with him.

 

 

 

He pulled out of the kiss again and whispered

‘I love you.’

‘Taek..’

 

He kissed you a third time. This time the kiss was deep as you parted your lips and allowed him access. He still tasted as sweet as he always did, and the feeling of his tongue inside your mouth made you feel like it was only yesterday when he kissed you and promised to never leave your side while holding you in his arms. You fell asleep that night to the sound of his heart beating and to the warmth of his body surrounding yours.

 

 

He pulled away after what felt like ages and whispered again

‘I love you. I won’t stop until you say it back so please hurry, I have a performance in a few minutes.’ He said teasingly and your heart started beating fast. How could he be so forgiving after all the hurt you caused him? 

 

‘Why…’

He leaned in for a fourth kiss but you placed your index on his lips.

‘I love you.’ You whispered. He printed a kiss on your temple.

‘This time you’re not allowed to leave. Wait for me until the concert is over. We have a lot to talk about tonight.’ He said and was pulled away by the rest of the members, and you stood where he left you, baffled. Why have you wasted 2 years of your life away from him when all you needed was to be by his side? How did you mouth the ugly words that separated you from him?

 

You spent the next hour thinking of everything he said, everything he did until the waiting room’s door was opened and he entered; sweat dripping off his temple and drenching his shirt. The second he saw you, he ran to you and hugged you tight. You hugged him back as he looked too weak to be able to stand on his own.

 

‘I was afraid you'd leave.’ He whispered in your ear.

‘I’m never leaving you again.’

‘Thank you.’ He said as he tightened his hold around your body.

‘No. Thank you!’

 

You pulled out of his hug and looked at him.

‘Shall we go home?’ He asked and you nodded, your ears turning red. He looked at Hakyeon who was now collecting his things, getting ready to go back to the dorm. Hakyeon nodded and Taekwoon looked at you and said

‘Let’s go.’ He held your hand in his as he walked you outside the building and toward your car. He opened the passenger seat for you and drove you home himself. The second you stepped into your apartment he kissed you again, not allowing you to speak or even breathe. 

'I missed you.' He whispered when he pulled out of the kiss to catch his breath. 

'I missed you too.' You whispered back. 

He carried you to your bedroom and in a matter of seconds his hands and lips were leaving their traces all over your body, wiping away the memories of the two years you spent away from each other. You clung to him not being able to believe that he was here with you after all that time. He spooned you, his hot breath on your neck sending shivers down your spine. You slowly turned around to face him. You looked into each others eyes for a couple of seconds before you could see sleep crawling into his eyes. He fought sleep off his eyes but you urged him to surrender. 

'I can't risk losing you again.'

'I'm not leaving you ever again. I promise.' You pecked his lips and he nuzzled up to you and fell asleep, his arms surrounding your body and pulling it closer to his.